I left my DP now we want to start again but he was very busy while I was gone

[LongLegHair]

I left my ex in November after 4 years- we'd got stuck in a rut, were making each other miserable and didn't communicate well. I stayed at my parents but we kept in touch. Things were very nasty at first but we mellowed and calmed and eventually met up a few days ago. The love was very much still there, we communicated in a way we never have before and both want to try again.

However, I have found out through snooping (condoms in bin etc.) and pressing him that he had quite a lot of dates, sex and even a woman stay around the house for a few days. He says he was certain I wasn't coming back (very fair assumption, I had started buying a house), was very upset and just needed to do something. I honestly completely understand this- I hurt him, he was single, Tinder is so easy etc. He presumed id left for someone else or was moving on (there has never been anyone else on the scene for me but i don't expect him to believe that. And I had left him. He owed me nothing. He did nothing wrong.

But I don't know if I can come back now. He's had dates, hotel meet ups etc, but it's the having her in the house. For days. He even let her bring her dog. I've wandered around and keep seeing things- empty champagne bottle, fag ends (he doesn't smoke), her choices on the sky box etc. And the thoughts- them in what was our bed, her on my sofa, cooking in the kitchen etc. It's killing me.

I know why he did it, I don't blame him, he isn't in the wrong and I 100% believe him when he says he's desperate to put that in the past and recommit. He only wanted me and I walked out. He did what he could to feel better, it was all safe and consensual.

I believe we could be so happy- we used to be and are both in love. I have no right to feel wronged but I'm gutted. What should I do?

He's done nothing wrong.

You dumped him.

You moved out.
You started buying a house.

It's his business. Did you expect him to be moping around for you?

If I were you I'd pull out of buying the house but stay living with my parents or rent a room/flat for 6 months and see how dating goes.

He didn't volunteer the info until I'd seen proof but I totally understand why

About sleeping with other people?

It really doesn't sound like communication has improved.

Fuck me he was hardly devastated that you'd gone was he? Didn't even let your toast sweat dry on the kitchen side. You obviously mean a lot to him don't you?

Love it when it's a man in this position with this scenario, the responses are amazing.

How long should he grieve?
I've saw on her the phrase " to get over someone get under someone " thrown about a lot.

Why should he have to declare who he slept with then they wasn't together?

Only a thread the other day where a woman had cheated and should she come clean. Everyone told her no!

He has done nothing wrong.

Bloody hell, mn double standards at their finest I see.

So, a woman walks out on her partner in November, puts processes in place to buy a house, decides in January she wants to get back together and he’s the one in the wrong for having slept with someone else and he’s in the wrong because she went through his bins and found the evidence?

And he thought she’d left for someone else - well if a bloke walked out of a relationship and started to put processes in place to buy a house without her the cries of “he’s met someone else OP, keep your eyes peeled for the OW,” would be heard far and wide. So why is this different? Oh, wait, is it because he’s a man perhaps?

He did nothing wrong. Even if he had a harem round there of one night stands every night it was none of the OP’s business. She left. She started buying another house. They weren’t together and he was free to sleep with whoever the fuck he wanted. And she certainly had 0 right to go through his bins to check for evidence of other women.

Sounds like he’s well. Rid of her. Ll

Why should he have to declare who he slept with then they wasn't together?

Honesty? Sexual health?

Why would he though? Who moves into a small apartment when they already own their own, much bigger, house?

OP, would you feel the same if you’d just met him, without all of the previous history. As in, you’ve just met and felt something for a guy, would the idea be unimaginable if you found that he’d been together with other women before you’d met him? Would you root through his bins looking for clues?

The reason I ask is, well, because there isn’t that much of a difference.

The deciding factor, between success and failure, is whichever narrative you allow your mind to settle on.

He did nothing wrong - sorry. You moved out, looked for a house to buy. He moved on and now you want him back, but you also now want to judge him for seeing other people, just because you haven't?

What about the issues that caused you to break up? Did those get resolved?

He's done nothing wrong. If he was heartbroken then meeting other women will have helped him. He obviously still wants you so go back to him if you want.

He might not have done anything 'wrong' but FFS could he not have tidied up after himself/her.

Get him in the bin along with all her shit and hold your head high.

Honesty? Sexual health?

He doesn't need to offer his private sexual history, when they were together.

No one would accept this behaviour from a man. Going through bins to prove their girlfriend had, had sex while apart?

STDs don’t care if you’re “on a break”

Just FYI

STDs don’t care if you’re “on a break”

Wtf? What has that got to do with anything.

It's the same situation when you sleep with someone new. It still doesn't give you a right to know exactly everything about that person sexual history. If the op trusts him enough to get back into a relationship with, she should trust him to with her sexual health.

Besides, sexual health wasn't the motivation for going through the wheelie bin. It was control and jealousy.

Why is anyone bringing up STDs He was using condoms!

PolkaDoting because itscthevonly way posters can justify the ops behaviour and turn this into a thread that rips her apart.

Rips him apart.

Honesty? Sexual health?

He was using condoms.
His sexual relationships while single are his business.

He doesn't have to make a declaration to an Ex. In fact I'd find it off putting to be told of who or how many he slept with.

OP... if you can't get over it. Don't get back with him

Condoms don’t protect from all STDs?

I stand by the fact that is he’s a liar for not telling her and it’s also risking her sexual health.

Better off without him I say.

To me it depends why you broke up and why you decided to leave. If it was his fault then him immediatly shagging about is the icing on the cake and I wouldnt go back.

I agree with other posters about taking it slowly. You owe him to be really clear about your feelings - having walked out on him once before. Surely that was a huge decision to make - so not one you could have taken lightly or should undo lightly. You've put him through a lot of heartache.

What did you think he would do if you left? Sit pining? You left him - so why wouldn't he move on with his life - you were.

I've seen this before with some exes who have quickly moved to have sex with someone else. A form of comfort, feeling attractive. Not great for the woman they do it with.

An ex is an ex for a reason. Dump.

God, some MNers will try anything to blame the man in any situation...