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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I left my DP now we want to start again but he was very busy while I was gone

91 replies

LongLegHair · 03/01/2019 18:06

I left my ex in November after 4 years- we'd got stuck in a rut, were making each other miserable and didn't communicate well. I stayed at my parents but we kept in touch. Things were very nasty at first but we mellowed and calmed and eventually met up a few days ago. The love was very much still there, we communicated in a way we never have before and both want to try again.

However, I have found out through snooping (condoms in bin etc.) and pressing him that he had quite a lot of dates, sex and even a woman stay around the house for a few days. He says he was certain I wasn't coming back (very fair assumption, I had started buying a house), was very upset and just needed to do something. I honestly completely understand this- I hurt him, he was single, Tinder is so easy etc. He presumed id left for someone else or was moving on (there has never been anyone else on the scene for me but i don't expect him to believe that. And I had left him. He owed me nothing. He did nothing wrong.

But I don't know if I can come back now. He's had dates, hotel meet ups etc, but it's the having her in the house. For days. He even let her bring her dog. I've wandered around and keep seeing things- empty champagne bottle, fag ends (he doesn't smoke), her choices on the sky box etc. And the thoughts- them in what was our bed, her on my sofa, cooking in the kitchen etc. It's killing me.

I know why he did it, I don't blame him, he isn't in the wrong and I 100% believe him when he says he's desperate to put that in the past and recommit. He only wanted me and I walked out. He did what he could to feel better, it was all safe and consensual.

I believe we could be so happy- we used to be and are both in love. I have no right to feel wronged but I'm gutted. What should I do?

OP posts:

Notacluethisxmas · 04/01/2019 05:59

I stand by the fact that is he’s a liar for not telling her and it’s also risking her sexual health.

So you ask any potential sex partner for a full report of how many people they have slept with and who? Do you think op requested that before she slept him when the first got together.

These people were not a couple. She broke up with him. she has no right to know what he was doing, or say he moved on to quick or shouldn't have had her at the house. It's his business. It stopped being her business when she broke up with him.

LellyMcKelly · 04/01/2019 06:00

You hunted through the recycling in order find evidence of what a single man was doing in his own free time? Neither of you sound particularly stable.

HeckyPeck · 04/01/2019 16:17

So you ask any potential sex partner for a full report of how many people they have slept with and who?

I ask them to show me the text you get from the clinic to show they’ve been tested.

If I’d broken up then got back together I’d want to know if they’d slept with other people and if they had I’d wait for them to be re-tested before sleeping with them.

Original poster

LongLegHair · 04/01/2019 17:32

Thank you all for the responses. Yes what I did was compulsive, pathetic and indefensible but it would have been worse finding something out after we'd been back happy for months. At least now I know so my decision is fully informed. Yes he did nothing technically wrong at all but feelings just don't work like that. I am very uncomfortable in what was my home but it's my problem to get over, not his fault. The jealousy and disgust I hope will fade- they aren't feelings I'm entitled to but they are still there and he is very understanding about that and glad I'm back.

The sexual health thing does bother me. He is fastidious about protection and the condom evidence is there but I'm on the implant and we don't use them and the first few times we had sex again I was unaware he'd been elsewhere. I'm also surprised he slept with me after he'd convinced himself I'd been sleeping around. I hadn't and I certainly wouldn't have put him at risk if I had.

It's painful but I'm so happy to have our love back.

OP posts:

Tissunnyupnorth · 04/01/2019 17:38

Who puts condoms in the recycling?

BlokeHereInPeace · 04/01/2019 17:42

Bloke's perspective. You were properly out of order to go snooping and you should apologise. You have got back into this too quickly. Take it easy, maybe both take a trip to the clinic, and good luck to you both.

DogDayMorning · 04/01/2019 17:43

Tissunny that's what I thought - my local council would return said used condoms to my house with a snarky comment

HeckyPeck · 04/01/2019 18:25

I certainly wouldn't have put him at risk if I had.

Doesn’t it concern you that he doesn’t care that he put your health at risk?

BlancheM · 04/01/2019 18:36

Cut yourself some slack over the snooping, OP. It's one thing to be very correct on an online forum about it being out of order of you and oh, your OH being a free agent therefore you should suck it up, and another to be in the actual situation with feelings and hurt. In your shoes, many people would've had a good old root around whether they care to admit it or not.

Musti · 04/01/2019 19:52

How is he risking your health if he wore condoms? And where were the condoms when you found them??

It's not like you were on a trial separation, you were serious and was looking to buy a house.

boringlyboring · 04/01/2019 20:29

Doesn’t it concern you that he doesn’t care that he put your health at risk?

This is a weird argument. If you split with your partner, would you remain celibate so you didn’t put them ‘at risk’ if you happened to reconcile? Would you refrain from being with someone else incase you put new partners’ health ‘at risk’ due to having sex in the past?

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 04/01/2019 21:35

He didn't volunteer the info until I'd seen proof but I totally understand why yes because it's none of your business as you weren't together!

People saying he didn't "grieve" (weird word to use) long enough?! Every time I've split with someone I've gone out and done the same as what he did! People move on in different ways. Especially if I thought an ex has cheated, it just feels good to have attention from someone else. I would imagine he asked the lady to stay because he was lonely/didn't want to be alone which is totally acceptable since he was single!!

Maelstrop · 04/01/2019 21:47

How long was this other woman around? Her Sky choices, booze and fags all laying round? Not a ons, then!

pissedonatrain · 04/01/2019 23:23

I highly doubt the original problems have been resolved in a month's time.

Sure, he was free to do what he wanted but gross. Him having a shagfest the minute after she left is just so gross to me.

I also wouldn't be sleeping in the same bed just gross.

But that's just me. I'm not into people who have lots of casual sex like that.

I imagine the original issues will be the same within 3 months tops.

HeckyPeck · 05/01/2019 21:52

Am I the only person who had an STD check between partners to be on the safe side as some STDs are symptomless but can have awful consequences if left untreated.

Bouledeneige · 06/01/2019 01:54

I've never met anyone who had STD checks before dating/ new relationships. And I know a lot a divorcees and daters.

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