Peeved with FIL for proposing free holiday then changing his mind

[MadChicken]

FIL suggested taking both his grown up sons and families (Incl MIL, 2 daughters in laws and 5 grandchildren) on a skiing holiday as a birthday celebration during school holidays. He offered to pay for entire trip. My SIL has health issues and is not able to travel easily and would certainly not be able to ski. Everyone suggested that it might not be that much fun due to SIL’s health issues and also for whoever has to stay back at the chalet and look after the younger DCs. FIL saw sense and realised that a skiing trip with no nannies and baby and two toddlers prob wouldn’t be the most fun ever and has now suggested just taking his two grown up sons. SIL will not ‘allow’ her DH to go. She is v controlling and uses her poor health as a reason for her DH not to do things outside of home eg see his friends, go to work Xmas do.

FIL then proposed just going skiing with his 2 sons. Timing has also changed as FIL has realised that it’s cheaper to go during school term than half term. I work full time and my DH usually does half of drop offs / collections as it’s impossible with the hours I work to do everything. So now a giant paid family holiday has turned into my DH going skiing with his dad for a week while I stay home with DC and do everything! I’m also annoyed that my SIL feels it’s okay to over rule her husband going and I’m expected to be okay with it. Would you feel peeved? Any amazing suggestions for how to move forward or do I just sound like a grumpy bitch?

Perhaps I’m a bitch but I would also veto and suggest going back to Plan A (holiday for all the family) but maybe somewhere like the Canary Islands rather than skiing.

Thanks, I tried suggesting a beach holiday but it was a no. FIL is getting on a bit and feels this will be his last opportunity to go skiing with his sons.

I think it’d be a nice opportunity for father and sons to have some quality time together - I know I’m hoping to be able to go ok holidays with my daughter when she’s an adult, just us 2, I think it’s a lovely thing to do.

Not sure why you’re so bothered about the SIL issue, does it have much impact on you? < genuine question, not arsed.

Just bank the weeks holiday and you go away at some point - get the time back in return.

Not arsey, bloody typos

It's FILs birthday he wants to go skiing you pointed out it wasn't practical so he adjusted. He doesn't seem to want a beach holiday so why should he pay for one? If you think it is too much then your husband should say he can't go. That is fair and reasonable.

But your Fil isn't unreasonable to want to go on the holiday he wants!

Could you and BIL family chip in for a nanny for the week?

I think you are totally justified in being pissed off that the group holiday has dwindled down to you being left at home with the kids. But then I saw your update and feel that if it is one of the last opportunities for your husband to ski with his dad, then I think it should be supported.

Your SIL is controlling. Doesn't sound like you want to be like her.

I would support my husband going in this case but I would make sure I got to do something I liked after as well.

I’m also annoyed that my SIL feels it’s okay to over rule her husband going and I’m expected to be okay with it

I’m not sure that your SIL expects to be anything about it, as the decision made between her and her DH about whether he goes is none of your business and doesn’t affect you in any way at all.

FIL is getting on a bit and feels this will be his last opportunity to go skiing with his sons.

^Then let him. Why would you begrudge this your FIL?????

Just put your foot down and say no, unless you are going to get a week away with friends later in the year?

I can see why you feel a bit annoyed that it’s turned froma free holiday to you staying with the kids but realistically - although not great - it’s only a week. Could your husband arrange a babysitter to help you out if really needed. My husband travels a lot and had to be away when I had an 18 month old and 6 week old and I told him it was fine if he sorted a babysitter to help with bedtimes. Bank the week and use it when you really need it!

You’re right, it is a lovely thing to do but prob less lovely when you have a baby and work full time so will be doing double duty while DH has a free holiday. TBH I’m a bit jealous!
I’m confused about banking holidays... I’m a teacher so can only take holiday during school holidays. So original ideal about going away as a family during half term suited us. But now he’s planning on going during term time and as I have to be at work at 7:30am it means I will have to drop DC’s at childminder at 7am - so an additional £7.50 for each child for each additional hour not to mention that it’s a very early start for the baby. DH usually takes them in the AM at reasonable time.

Regarding SIL...there’s additional history there so my frustration regarding that is what you can prob sense. My BIL / SIL live down the road from PIL so are lucky enough to get free childcare from them which saves them thousands! We live too far away to benefit. SIL has never left her DC with anyone other than PIL because she ‘loves them too much’ to leave them with a babysitter. BIL and SIL get lots of evening out / overnight hotel trips as they have MIL at their beck and call. SIL makes all her appts during the week so that she doesn’t have to use her weekends for life admin as then she can get extra childcare out of MIL during the week. E.g I always book my hair appt for a Saturday cause DH looks after kids but she books her hair on a Friday and adds on a lunch date as MIL will happily look after her DC. Pisses me off that they take this huge benefit so for granted.

YANBU but for the sake of your husband can you rearrange your work schedule to accommodate pick ups drop offs?

With the proviso your DH will do the same for you another week.

My H loves skiing and I've facilitated many ski holidays for him in the past, but always got the same consideration when I wanted flexibility or a holiday of my own.

Apology, just seen you are a teacher, yikes!

Good idea but SIL doesn’t want to go at all as she isn’t good at travelling.

Ahhh, misunderstanding. I mean that as my sister in law has undiagnosed health issues, it is considered okay for her to not allow her DH to go but my FIL thinks I should be perfectly happy with my DH going as I don’t have additional health needs.

I think I remember your previous threads...

Tell FIL you can't cope on your own for a week and get MIL to come and stay...

I know... doesn’t make it easier at all. My days are long and the rushing from school to collect them in the evening will be stressful.

Could a compromise of a long weekend work? So DH drops the kids on a Friday morning and heads to the airport. They get Friday evening to have a few drinks, skiing sat and Sun and he flys back Sunday night. If FIL is worried he won’t manage skiing at all in the future it seems a short trip might be easier on everyone anyway.

OMFG! They have already suggested this as help! Although MIL is lovely, having her stay will be more about me waiting on her. She could help with cooking but you know what it’s like with visitors, in the evening after getting DC into bed, I’d just want to veg out rather than ‘entertain’. MIL is a little doddery and ask lots of questions about which bin each item of recycling needs to go in ect ect.

Yep ask mil to stay to be your dh for the week

Gemme - also a great idea and already suggested but FIL thinks it’s a far way to go unless they get a good few full days skiing in.

Ask oh & fil to pay for the extra childcare costs and they can go on their merry way and make memories ... i too would be livid but sometimes we have to just see the bigger picture ... dad & sons enjoying time together ... hopefully they can reciprocate or at least OH can in the future to allow you time away 🌷

X post. Would she do the childminder runs for you though.
Or go for the long weekend option
Could your family go in half term, much cheaper than originally planned.