Peeved with FIL for proposing free holiday then changing his mind

[MadChicken]

FIL suggested taking both his grown up sons and families (Incl MIL, 2 daughters in laws and 5 grandchildren) on a skiing holiday as a birthday celebration during school holidays. He offered to pay for entire trip. My SIL has health issues and is not able to travel easily and would certainly not be able to ski. Everyone suggested that it might not be that much fun due to SIL’s health issues and also for whoever has to stay back at the chalet and look after the younger DCs. FIL saw sense and realised that a skiing trip with no nannies and baby and two toddlers prob wouldn’t be the most fun ever and has now suggested just taking his two grown up sons. SIL will not ‘allow’ her DH to go. She is v controlling and uses her poor health as a reason for her DH not to do things outside of home eg see his friends, go to work Xmas do.

FIL then proposed just going skiing with his 2 sons. Timing has also changed as FIL has realised that it’s cheaper to go during school term than half term. I work full time and my DH usually does half of drop offs / collections as it’s impossible with the hours I work to do everything. So now a giant paid family holiday has turned into my DH going skiing with his dad for a week while I stay home with DC and do everything! I’m also annoyed that my SIL feels it’s okay to over rule her husband going and I’m expected to be okay with it. Would you feel peeved? Any amazing suggestions for how to move forward or do I just sound like a grumpy bitch?

Ffs having had my dad die at the age of 65 in a stupid and preventable accident I think you are being selfish because you are jealous. It's a week and you are used to doing it all on your own anyway.
Seriously it's just a week! I can't believe you would begrudge a father and his children some alone time skiing.
I wish it was my dad and I going skiing.

You have made this all about you and your needs . Let your DH have a holiday with his dad. Might be the last time as none of us know whats around the corner. You have gone on and on about child care arrangements school pick ups and anything which you feel should stop him going yet you are complaining about your SIL not letting his brother go. Wether his brother goes or not is neither here nor there . Maybe they camlm help you with childcare whilst your DH is away. I think you feel aggrieved because you arent getting a free holiday as you have basically said that in your post. I know it must have been exciting to learn youd be going on hols but the hol was never about you
You could all have still went if you all took turns looking after the children.

And to say you are peeved with FIL..i think thats cruel on your behalf

Hand I missed something..... Why can't YOU,. MIL and kids go too? I'm sure between you all you could get a decent amount of time on the slopes (take in turns). Just because SIL doesn't want to go or let her hubby go shouldn't impact on the rest of you!
Failing that, make it very clear to DH your more than happy for him to go as long as he realises you will be going away for a break with your MIL, somewhere hot and relaxing, just the two of you sometime in the near future 😉😉

Yanbu for feeling a bit hard done by, but yabu if you don't let him go with your blessing.
You'll get another family holiday with them. He might not get another skiing one.
Just bank the favour for the future with your dh.

I think a fair few PP are being very unkind and unreasonable to the OP.
One parent taking a solo holiday when they have very young children places an additional burden upon the remaining parent. This is then magnified as the holidaying parent's work takes them away from home on a regular basis.

The fact is (fair or not to the FIL) OP's DH has family responsibilities which some would argue out rank someone else's wish for a ski-ing holiday. I'm not surprised she's annoyed, even if the all family version hadn't been offered and then rescinded.

OP - have you had the talk with your DH about how he is going to ease your additional workload for the week that he's away?

And I know it's still the Christmas season with good will to all and all that, and we're only just into 2019, but if anyone suggests a spa day I may just have to stamp my feet very hard.......

I think this is totally unfair. Your FIL is not entitled to a holiday away with his son. Your DH has responsibilities at home and it sounds as if he is away without you a lot anyway. Your DP only has a certain amount of annual leave and seems to use that on himself, where is your family time. I would put my foot down. If FIL wants to go skiing then you all go, shame BIL can't go but that's not your problem.

If DH does go alone I would make sure he cancels his other skiing trip this year.

I don't think the real issue here is FIL and his change of plan, but about the unequal division of childcare in your marriage. You quite rightly feel unappreciated and were looking forward to being part of a nice family holiday... which has now been taken away from you. You can't really tell DH not to go when this is his father's last skiing trip, but I'd be making it clear to DH that this will be making your life harder for a week when you already do so much for the kids while he's at work, including covering his absence during his boys holiday as well! You deserve a nice break, whether that's a week away with your mum or seven separate spa days spread out over the year while he picks up the slack. One parent should not be getting multiple breaks while the other does all the grunt work. You're supposed to be in this together. Next time it's your turn to call the shots!

I would suspect now FIL has seen the cost of a weeks skiing at half term for a large number of people at a child friendly resort with a child friendly company, versus a week for 3 at non peak time, that there will be no going back to the first option as the price differential could easily be £5k plus.

I understand being a tad resentful and jealous especially you were meant to be going, but at the end of the day it's nice for your DH and it's only a week, I'm sure you can get something in place for 5 days. It's not your place to say no, so long as your DH can help a way to cover his duties at home and of course make it up to you so you get a break some time too!

Sorry just read your other replies and can see you're being quite reasonable, just frustrated you've had a holiday taken from you which I quite understand! Could you try and muscle in on it still?! Screw the SIL lol and have MIL to help with the baby?!

If you were part of the "everyone suggested it might not be much fun" then YABU

If the above was just your SIL then YANBU

Yes, ski holidays with babies toddlers can be challenging but if someone offers you something so generous then the correct answer is "yes please and thank you for being so generous", you can worry about some of the practicalities later on

We did family ski trips when our DC were babies and DH and I took turns on childcare. We never got to ski together but it was still more fun than staying at home!

Did you actually want to go on the holiday as originally proposed? Bc it doesn’t sound like it was too appealing to you. If you really had been excited about it I would see how you would be so upset, but really you just don’t want to deal with the childcare fallout. I get it, but I think YABVU. My DH and I have done this for each other plenty of times and we both appreciate it so much. Yes it’s tough when you’re the one at home with the kids but you manage, and it’s worth it to make your spouse happy and have some tome to yourself in the future. A breastfeeding 18 month old can be left for a day or two and even if she can’t it won’t be long before she can. Your MIL has offered to help but you don’t want to deal with having her, which is fine but you can’t have it all.

How much of this is based on frustration with your SIL calling all the shots? What are the “undiagnosed” health issues that prevent her from traveling but allow her plenty of time out getting her hair done and lunching with friends?

You should support your DH going skiing with his DF (and your SIL's reaction is not your concern) you are making this all about your needs.

If you support your DH on this trip then perhaps the next time you'd like a weekend away with your friends, or a short break with a family member you will be supported too.

Summerstrong I would hope that the OPs DH would already support her if she wanted a child free break, based on him already participating in the annual workplace free ski trip jolly< ponders how to get job with company that offers free ski breaks >.

I guess one of the issues here is just how many times are you meant to gladly wave off your DH per year whilst picking up all the grunt work and/or having to babysit your MIL at the same time. Workplace ski trip has presumably already taken place and it would look churlish to stop DH going if it's not until next December.

I'd be a bit concerned that the lads and Dads ski trip becomes an annual event once FIL sees how cheap it is to ski outside of school holidays and yes as I am not a cool wife, if DCs were young that would f*ck me off greatly.

Baby is only 18 months and too attached to me and too young for MIL to be much help.

But baby goes to nursery? And MiL does other childcare?

You're looking for excuses. They're trying to help you and you're looking for every reason not.

So SIL won’t travel because of undiagnosed illness? So this rules her out of any holiday regardless of ski/sun type of trip.

I would say that Plan A sounded fab. Ski trip for all in school holidays. If SIL chooses to not go, that’s a shame, but no reason for everyone else to miss out. If her kids are older, and love PIL looking after them, it would be no problem for them to come too?

My recommendation would be to book a catered chalet for the whole group. Then it would be like a big week-long family party with food and wine provided. If you post your requirements under “solutions” on chaletsdirect.com, chalet owners will quote for your business.

Otherwise, I highly recommend alikats.eu and mountainutopia.co.uk.