Peeved with FIL for proposing free holiday then changing his mind

[MadChicken]

FIL suggested taking both his grown up sons and families (Incl MIL, 2 daughters in laws and 5 grandchildren) on a skiing holiday as a birthday celebration during school holidays. He offered to pay for entire trip. My SIL has health issues and is not able to travel easily and would certainly not be able to ski. Everyone suggested that it might not be that much fun due to SIL’s health issues and also for whoever has to stay back at the chalet and look after the younger DCs. FIL saw sense and realised that a skiing trip with no nannies and baby and two toddlers prob wouldn’t be the most fun ever and has now suggested just taking his two grown up sons. SIL will not ‘allow’ her DH to go. She is v controlling and uses her poor health as a reason for her DH not to do things outside of home eg see his friends, go to work Xmas do.

FIL then proposed just going skiing with his 2 sons. Timing has also changed as FIL has realised that it’s cheaper to go during school term than half term. I work full time and my DH usually does half of drop offs / collections as it’s impossible with the hours I work to do everything. So now a giant paid family holiday has turned into my DH going skiing with his dad for a week while I stay home with DC and do everything! I’m also annoyed that my SIL feels it’s okay to over rule her husband going and I’m expected to be okay with it. Would you feel peeved? Any amazing suggestions for how to move forward or do I just sound like a grumpy bitch?

Hampsters... my DH already goes skiing (without me or kids) every year with his work mates. He’s lucky enough to have a ski trip as his work trip every year. One year he went skiing when I was pregnant. So I appreciate your opinion, I see you think I’m being unreasonable and it’s useful to see these things from a different angle. I don’t want to stop him from going - I really don’t. I just want to be able to go along too and I want his brother to go too. Perhaps I am being entitled... I just think it’s unfair given DHs is away a fair bit anyway.

This post was edited at OP's request

@hamstersaremyfriends I meant doing her husband a favour, which she would be if she had the kids on her own for a week whilst he went on holiday.

I also think YABU, DH works away a lot. Like Mon-Fri most weeks and often weekends too. Yet I would have no issues with him going on a holiday with his Dad.

You sound entitled and selfish. If you want a holiday with your family pay for it yourself ffs.

You sound more controlling than your SIL to be honest.

I think I have to agree with a lot of the other PP who are saying YABU. There are single parents who do what you describe on a permanent basis, there are parents who’s husbands/wives are in the military or oil rigs etc my neighbour is a nurse and she is a single mum to a 5 year old and has been since her DD was a few months old, the father isn’t in the picture. I see her leave her house every weekday morning at 7am to take her DD to breakfast club and she doesn’t return him until around 18:15 - her DD goes to after school club every day until this time. I honestly don’t know how she does it. But I’m sure she’d much prefer to have to do it just for a week rather than on a permanenet basis.

My DH works away often, for a week a time, we have a school age child and I too work full time (minus 4 hours) so I understand what you’re issue is, but please remember it is only a week, of course it’ll be hard, but your DH will be back ready to support you and take a load off, other parents don’t have that luxury - this is what I used to tell myself when my DH was going on stag doos or travelling the world for work, when our DD was a EBF baby waking up every 1.5 hours and refusing to nap throughout the day - you’ll get through it, you’ll be tired, but your DH is making lasting memories with his dad that he might not get the opportunity to do again. I think it would be selfish of you to ask him not to go because your life would be harder for a week.

To be honest if it was us we'd probably say yes - but it's the expectation that would piss me off. If my mum announced she wanted to go away with just me and leave my husband to look after the kids, I would be insisting we do it at a time that made it work for him - and I would be grateful to him if he agreed to do it as they are our children together.
Yes it's totally doable and of course there are single parents etc but the op isn't a single parent and I don't understand why they couldn't do it in school holidays to make it less of a cost/time problem for her?!

Peaky Polly > Very good point that I’d have to clarify. MIL is great with SILs DC as they are older and kids are dropped off at PIL house. They feel much more settled in their home than where we live in the big smoke.

This post was edited by MNHQ

Yes I'd be really annoyed to have an all expenses paid holiday dangled under my nose and then snatched away. What does your dh say? I'd be expecting a bit more from him. He's already receiving one ski holiday. Actually I think you're being too much of a doormat. He needs to go back to fil and say that your whole family would like to go even if sil doesn't. He can do an alternative holiday with them like he sometimes does with you. Stand up for yourself. Sounds like you're doing too much for too little return.

@hamstersaremyfriends marriage shouldn't be about favours?! So is it not about give and take either?
I'm not sure if you're just offended by the wording or the principle of doing things to help one another out..
My husband and I spoke about this last night and said how sometimes I'll mind the baby whilst he goes away and vice versa. Are you suggesting we shouldn't have spoken about this as we shouldn't be doing one another favours? Or is it inherently wrong to thing of this as a favour despite it involving one of us looking after the children whilst the other goes off with their friends/family?

Ignore all these posters telling you to be a martyr basically and thank your lucky stars you're not a one armed single parent of 10 disabled children.

Demanding a free holiday from PIL is not sticking up for yourself ffs is CF of the highest order and the type of thread people post on here all the time.

Torsz - I’m glad you feel my pain! Yes, the expectation clearly was that the men would ski while the mums would mind the children mainly and perhaps have a little go if we could get the kids into ski school for an odd afternoon. DH and FIL are excellent skiers and would be out all day while I’m very average and would struggle with 1 year old attached to me.

I'd be annoyed if I were you OP. You're losing out on a free holiday because of SIL and now have to juggle additional childcare responsibilities whilst DH is off on another ski holiday.
Sadly though it will look like sour grapes if you say anything but you have my permission to be peeved.

No it's not cheeky. She's not demanding a holiday. You're deliberately twisting the story. One was offered and then rescinded to suit other people.

That was to @MynameisJune

@hamstersaremyfriends agreed but it would be taking the piss if it you did everything and he did nothing - you'd expect these things to balance out otherwise the relationship isn't healthy.
And therefore - regardless of what language you use - these things matter and you either consciously or subconsciously are aware of them and whether there is a fair balance.
I'd call it a favour if I stayed home and looked after the kids for a week whilst my husband went on holiday. And if he did this repeatedly without me getting similar 'favours' in return then it would feel one-sided and unfair.
Totally understand that others have different views but I take it personally when it feels like I'm being mocked for how I see/label things!

@MadChicken that sounds very similar - fortunately my husband and his brothers aren't actually keen on skiing so I don't think any of them are wanting to go! It's a pity as it's the one type of holiday where people can be completely excluded, and it's really not a fun experience if you're not into skiing or are unable to go out for any reason!

Ourkidmolly>>> 😂😂😂 I’m very grateful for both my arms. DH does a lot at home and we support each other well but his job is what it is and travel is required...

My name is June...I know it sounds entitled to be complaining about a ski holiday but it could be anything fun that I’d quite like to do. Replace skiing with a week at Bognor for all I care. I’m still peeved that it was offered then taken away and has gone from a treat to something that will make my life harder for a week.

Truth is you are mainly annoyed that your SIL has vetoed and no one has batted an eyelid but you don’t feel you can.

She sounds a bit of a pain and I can understand why the unequal childcare grates a bit.

But that isn’t PIL fault and they did offer MIL to come and stay for the week (presumably thus dropping your SIL and BIL in it a bit if they usually do all their childcare?)

I suspect PIL have had plenty to say about how your SIL has reacted but are being decent PIL and keeping that to themselves. I bet your BIL is gutted he is missing out. What has he had to say about it all? He must feel the worst of the lot of you watching his dad and brother go off on a jolly and he has to stay home as his wife can’t cope without him.

Do what you can with respects to work to arrange to be in a bit late that week and plan some lovely time for yourself in the coming weeks when DH is around. Even if BFing an 18 month old can be left long enough for you to have a few solo days out at a spa etc I’m sure!

Let him go and try to chin up about it else you will feel like a miserable grump and your DH won’t enjoy it as much. PIL will doubtless think you a wonderful DIL and also be willing to come and have the kids for the odd weekend in the future if you play your cards right.

As a left field option tho- how about mark warner and the whole family go? Or a kinder hotel? Loads of childcare so you all get a break.

You’re not entitled. Just disappointed. And who wouldn’t be. As Buttery and myself suggested go with your own trip that you want. Especially if skiing isn’t your thing. Have a trip you want. Ideally better than Bognor.

Also. Side note. There’s some posters attacking others. And some telling you to disregard other posts? Not cool. Everyone is entitled to an opinion and shouldn’t be attacked for expressing it. I’m not even saying I am right. Just an opinion. It’s up to the OP how they wish to proceed.

Why don't you say you and the kids would like to go to and book somewhere kiddy friendly with childcare like Esprit? Or do you not want to take them out of school?

@maximumcarnage
Not cool?
No one is attacking anyone. This is how alternative opinions are expressed...by exposing the weakness in the other side. You can't have been on mumsnet for too many years if that's not understood.