AIBU about Christmas cash gift to my neice

[Ragdoll1234]

My partner of 20 years has flipped over the fact I gifted my 14 yr old niece £50 cash for Christmas. He works full time and I work part time as we have two DD. He said it was too much money and I am wasting his money. We have joint finances and he now wants us to have separate finances and I have to pay my way (his words). He spouted out lots of abuse about how I am robbing him and he pays for our lifestyle and he is fed up. I am really hurt and don't know how to get past this.

AIBU gifting my niece £50 or is he?

How much do you each have left after you've transferred the money into the joint account.

I'm the breadwinner in our house and commute 4hrs daily and DH is a full time stay at home dad so I come from your DH's perspective.

I think he's handled it badly, but clearly there's an underlying issue which needs to be tackled. It's not about the £50 exactly, but it's sounds like he's feeling that you're wasting money or not doing your share in some way.

I do get that sometimes, maybe if I've come home, had a really crappy day at work and then the house is a shit-tip and there's a bunch of laundry to be put away... then I feel the balance is unfair.
But then I remind myself of all the stuff that DH does that either we'd have to pay for or I'd have to rearrange my work life/not go to the gym after work if he was also working FT. Quite often a swift look at MN offers me a kick up the arse tbh.

You need to wait until everything's calm and then have a chat - maybe also his job is rubbish and he's feeling trapped by his responsibilities?

He’s let you take on the significant admin work and mental load of the family finances (and the cost of things like Christmas by the sound of it) for a long time so it seem to me something has changed. Maybe he wants to have more discretion over how he spends ‘his’ money?

I suggest that you ask him for suggestions for how he wants to do things from now on rather than putting any effort into this project yourself. This should include drafting a household budget.

I reckon the thought of all that work and responsibility will provoke a quick re-think.

Oh, and you can spend £50 on whatever you like if you earn it and it doesn’t impact on him.

Think £20 would be just right, unless we were wealthy. Maybe he's worried youre spending too much of 'his money ". He doesn't sound very nice shouting at you, I'm sure he could have just spoken to you about it. He thinks you are 'robbing him' and that "he is paying for the lifestyle'?! Sounds strange to me?! How could you separate your wages, when you both earn unbalanced amounts and you pay all the bill's? Surely it makes sense to pool all the money together, like you have been doing. Otherwise you 'll have to set up a new shared account and both transfer some money over each month and use that to pay the bill's. You'd have to pay a percent to reflect your income. Otherwise half each isn't fair.

You work part-time and it sounds like the childcare is down to you too.

I'd be tempted to go back to work full-time, put the DCs in nursery. If he wants 50/50 he can meet 1/2 the nursery costs can't he.

Wasting "his" money.

Let him see how much you've been saving the fancy finances by doing childcare

£50 once a year, and he's so hostile about it?

Go back to work get on an equal footing. He'll probablyfind other ways to play Mr Money Monitor, however.

Relationships are about more than money, family contribution shouldn't be seen only in monetary terms, but it's a waste of time trying to get people to see that as there's a tendency to use money as a form of control, and put it at the forefront of everything.

I also actually save the Christmas money straight from my wages before I transfer it into the joint account.

In which case it's your money you gifted.

Next Christmas don't transfer your savings into the joint account and see how it goes. Or take from both wages to save.

£20/25 here for niece/nephews up to £30 if something they really want

But agree this isn't about the value fuck Him dictating like that and paying your way what an arse!!

I'd be cross too. That's a lot of money for a niece and it's likely just the tip of the iceberg. He's clearly not happy having been made the breadwinner whilst you work part time. You need to address this or it will get worse.

Plenty of unmarried and married couples have separate finances. Easy to do, you just have your own accounts and transfer 50% of the bills into a joint account. We did that until married as I didn't want joint finances with just a boyfriend.

Tell him you're returning to work full time and therefore nursery and breakfast/after school club will now have to be budgeted for. You will pay your share proportionate to your respective salaries.

I am a SAHP and I look after household finances. I would be furious if my husband left all that to me and then behaved as yours did. If he wanted to question it he could have done so civilly.

FWIW I gave nieces and nephews £40 + a small gift. My husband doesn't know because he doesn't ask, I sort Christmas and therefore I use my judgement.

@thebigbangrocks that’s relative to your household income tho isn’t it?

OP has saved throughout the year from her wages and it is within budget and affordable for her household.

I spent a lot more at Christmas and didn’t bother budgeting because that’s suitable on our household budget.

It’s not the money, OP clearly states the money came from a separate Christmas budget, which she pays into from her own salary throughout the year.

The DP is very unreasonable it was one gift which was reciprocated by the parents of the giftee to OP’s DC for similar value gifts.

Have a chat with him once he's calmed down and ask where that extreme reaction came from. explain your point and listen to his, then discuss the way going forward. Does he realise they spend the same on your dc?

he's clearly not happy having been made the breadwinner whilst you work part time

Misogyny personified.

A woman working PLUS doing the bulk of raising the children of the family is an idler and what she does outside the home is all that counts, then. Nothing else to be deemed a family contribution 🙄.

The gift for your niece came from your personal account and is nothing to do with him. It also depends wholly on your budget as to whether £50 is reasonable. For me, £20 is about right for christmas, and £50 a bit high - I'd do £50 for a milestone birthday or a wedding gift. However, the figure is not important here.

As to the finances - it's obviously something he's unhappy with. But equal 'contributions' aren't equal if your income differs. Especially since childcare is work, you're not resting on your time off.

Here's what works for us in a similar situation. We have separate accounts our wages go into, and a joint one we transfer most of it straight in to. I earn more than him, but we leave equal frivolous spending money in our own accounts, and transfer a proportional amount to the joint one.

Family costs come out of the joint account. So does food, petrol, childcare and bills like phones. Those are not frivolous spending or luxuries. DH pays for a TV package and a game subscription out of his spending, because the rest of us don't use them.

It’s not about the amount at all, it’s about power and control. He needs a massive wake up call that OP earning more money doesn’t necessarily mean more money at the end of the month. And it means considerably less time for him sitting on his arse while she runs herself ragged because he’s ‘full time’