Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

AIBU about Christmas cash gift to my neice

113 replies

Ragdoll1234 · 01/01/2019 20:11

My partner of 20 years has flipped over the fact I gifted my 14 yr old niece £50 cash for Christmas. He works full time and I work part time as we have two DD. He said it was too much money and I am wasting his money. We have joint finances and he now wants us to have separate finances and I have to pay my way (his words). He spouted out lots of abuse about how I am robbing him and he pays for our lifestyle and he is fed up. I am really hurt and don't know how to get past this.

AIBU gifting my niece £50 or is he?

OP posts:

User284806 · 01/01/2019 20:38

It also depends how old she is surely? Ten year old doesn’t need fifty quid for example.

cstaff · 01/01/2019 20:40

50 is normal for my nieces and nephews but I don't think this is what this row was about.

If you are only working part time how much is he going to pay you for childcare. If he wants to be ridiculous you can both play that game.

Mookatron · 01/01/2019 20:40

£50 is a lot. But that's not really the point. Your partner doesn't seem to value your input into the family and as you're not married you don't really have any legal right to his money. Unless you can support yourself in part time hours or get more hours I would probably get married, and quick, to be quite honest with you (to protect yourself if you split up).

planespotting · 01/01/2019 20:41

Mmhhh I don't know. We are married with DC and we are only doing presents for our parents and we did speak about how much to spend.
For us is a family decision really.

Thegirlinthefireplace · 01/01/2019 20:41

I'm guessing those saying less than £50 is right only one or two nieces or nephews. I have 10, that would be £500 before even considering anyone else in the family.

Original poster

Ragdoll1234 · 01/01/2019 20:42

Thank you for your replies.

I didn't consult him as after all these years he has never bought any Christmas presents and never taken an interest.

I just felt that was the normal amount that people gave for a gift but I was wrong.

OP posts:

Newerversion · 01/01/2019 20:48

Am I the only one pissing myself at “£20 is a bit stingy, £25 is pocket money and you can’t get anything much for £20”
What a loads of cobblers. I have teenagers and believe me £20 is not stingy to them at all.

With regards to your she, op. I think maybe a frank chat about finances is needed.

GodknowsIwanttobreakfree · 01/01/2019 20:49

I give £20.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 01/01/2019 20:52

Again, it's not about the money. It's the things he said to you about robbing him and so forth.
That's a fair amount of resentment he's been harbouring.
Why are you part-time? Is it so you can pick up childcare responsibilities/take a greater role in running the home? If so, he's bang out of line as you are contributing to the household in that way too.

sugarnotsweetener · 01/01/2019 20:57

I’m very close to my sister, I have 2 girls and she spends £50 each on them. She doesn’t buy for me now they’re here. she doesn’t have children but I will spend the same on hers when she does as I said we are close, I buy her presents from my children. I would spend the same if my brother has children as I am close to him.
My husband has 2 brothers each with 2 kids, we are NC with one but when we weren’t I spent £20/30 per child. Same with his other brothers 2 kids. The brother we have contact with to gave my girls £20 each and the eldest had chocolate to unwrap. So I agree with the posters who said that it depends on the closeness of the relationships.

NikiFree · 01/01/2019 21:27

Am I the only one pissing myself at “£20 is a bit stingy, £25 is pocket money and you can’t get anything much for £20”

No. Many adults don't have £20 to spend on themselves let alone £50.

Fstar · 01/01/2019 21:42

I control all household finances with my own account and take 100 a month from dp for sky package. I spend 50 to 70 each on 5 neices/nephews. It is a lot but its the norm for us. Dp doesnt pay towards my family gifts and i dont pay towards his.

snowone · 01/01/2019 21:44

We spent about £50 on our nephew (1) and about £40 on our niece (7). Our older nieces and nephews (over 18) don't get anything and we roughly spend about £20 on our teenage nieces and nephews. Ours comes from shared finances though - we are both pretty much equal earners.

BusterGonad · 01/01/2019 21:52

I have 13 nieces and nephews, I'd never spend £50 on each, more like £15 max!

DillyDilly · 01/01/2019 22:55

If you’ve only one niece/nephew and can afford the €50/don’t have lots of people to buy for, the it’s absolutely fine.

It sounds like your DH is using this as an excuse for wanting separate finances.

Twisique · 01/01/2019 23:00

It's not about the right amount to give, it's the way he spoke to you and his attitude!

Crunched · 01/01/2019 23:10

I give £30 but my niece is 17. I would spend a bit more than that on a gift if she asked for something specific but, now she asks for cash which I totally understand, £30 seems plenty.

ErickBroch · 01/01/2019 23:22

YABU as £50 is excessive - however his reaction is awful. Both need to apologise to each other and agree it won't happen again from either of you? I am from a typical WC family and children such as niece's/nephews would get £10-20 max.

jessstan2 · 01/01/2019 23:26

I think £50 was about right, you only give to this one niece. You say you save in a special account for Christmas, well in that case it's no-one else's business how you spend the money. Husband is being mean, you're hardly taking the food out of his mouth.

cloudchaos · 01/01/2019 23:31

I don't think anyone can say if £50 is too much or not as it depends on your family income and what you'd all usually spend. How much did you spend last year and did he have a problem with that amount then? Do you set a budget for all gifts or a per person budget?

My DH buys for his family and I buy for mine and we mostly spend about the same on equivalent relatives. Some exceptions being if it's a first baby's Christmas we have spent a bit more etc.

I don't think £50 is too much if you can afford it and it's what you usually do. I spend around £70-100 on my nephew at Christmas but I only have one! My DH has never commented, or even asked tbh. He tends to spend more on his mum than I would on mine, but not enough for me to bother mentioning it or to start a row over.

I would try to talk to him and understand if he's particularly worried about money or if something else is going on if this is your usual Christmas spend. It seems a leap to be asking you to go back to work full time and the childcare repercussions over £50 so I'm guessing there's more to this.

Littlelambpeep · 01/01/2019 23:42

I'd say £20 maybe £50 for an 18th or special birthday

BitOutOfPractice · 01/01/2019 23:45

The amount is irrelevant (£50 as opposed to £20 over the course of a a year for a family that isn't hard up and has saved up for Christmas...really?)

The reaction is relevant.

Notso · 01/01/2019 23:46

If we didn't buy for siblings then I'd probably spend more like £50 on nieces, nephews and godchildren. We do buy for siblings though so I tend to spend more like £25-£35, that's buying for 8 children.
However amount is irrelevant, it's the reason for his reaction that is relevant. Is it out the blue or do you argue about money a lot?

Yabbers · 01/01/2019 23:46

The point isn’t what the right amount, it’s about whatever amount you can afford. I gave DNephew £100, but that’s affordable to us. It came from my account but if it had come from our joint account I would have run it past my OH out of courtesy.

PickAChew · 01/01/2019 23:48

Do you have children of your own, together, op? I'm just curious who he thinks should be paying for them, if you split finances.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5