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Original poster

AIBU about Christmas cash gift to my neice

113 replies

Ragdoll1234 · 01/01/2019 20:11

My partner of 20 years has flipped over the fact I gifted my 14 yr old niece £50 cash for Christmas. He works full time and I work part time as we have two DD. He said it was too much money and I am wasting his money. We have joint finances and he now wants us to have separate finances and I have to pay my way (his words). He spouted out lots of abuse about how I am robbing him and he pays for our lifestyle and he is fed up. I am really hurt and don't know how to get past this.

AIBU gifting my niece £50 or is he?

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 02/01/2019 09:23

If you didn’t work part time and your dc were in childcare wouldn’t family finances be going towards that?

You do contribute equally financially just not in salary terms.

I think £50 gift when you only buy the one gift is more than fair. The money was separate in your Christmas account.

I spend a whole lot more on Christmas gifts, it’s completely down to individual household finances and you had budgeted for it.

I’d be trying to work out what the actual problem is. Is he worried about his job, has he got debts he needs to repay, is he thinking of leaving and this is a good excuse to start to blame you for it?

I wouldn’t split finances you have children together he should be paying for the household in accordance to his earnings.

You work part time, but who does bulk of childcare and household tasks? That’s also household contribution which would cost a lot of money if outsourced.

He sound like a twat.

Aussiebean · 02/01/2019 09:24

Wait for him to bring it up again and see what he suggests.

Also, maybe you just have an agreed EQUAL amount of spending money each month and an agreement on how much you
Spend on presents for each person.

Girlofgold · 02/01/2019 09:36

Yanbu. What an over reaction from him.

Original poster
Ragdoll1234 · 02/01/2019 09:48

I do all household stuff, childcare, after school activities. No debts or money worries. We are never in debt after Christmas as I make sure I save throughout the year.

I maybe will wait to see if spilt finances are mentioned again. I am struggling though to understand how to do split finances successfully.

OP posts:
Cambionome · 02/01/2019 10:09

Do not be bulldozed into splitting finances over this ridiculous row. You both need to sit down calmly and talk this through.

He has absolutely no right to talk to you like that, but could he be worried about money? Could his job be looking insecure?

It sounds like you both need to communicate better about finances.

JillScarlet · 02/01/2019 10:15

Ragdoll: you shouldn’t be trying to work out HOW to split the finances. The issue is that you are a family, a team, and are supposedly in a loving relationship with your Dp.

Your income, pension and promotion prospects have all been affected for ever by changing your role within the family. His have not. Your childcare enables him to work, make his pension contributions and keep on the promotion ladder.

Do you own a house together? In both names?

What you could do is suggest that you have a budgeting discussion each month, go through what needs to be spent (holiday booking, presents, days out, new washing machine etc) and agree a budget together.

EdtheBear · 02/01/2019 10:34

It depends on how you split finances various ways of doing it.
One option is all money goes into joint account out of it comes bills, holidays, childcare etc, with each of you getting equal spending money out of it.

Spending money covers nights out, magazines, other non essentials etc

Original poster
Ragdoll1234 · 02/01/2019 10:44

Our house is owned in joint names. How our money works is that we both get paid into sole bank accounts. I then do online banking and transfer both our wages into a joint account. I leave money in my mine and partners account for expenses like phone, eating out etc and top up from joint account if needed. I pay bills, family spending, saving, holidays etc from joint account. After typing it out and looking at it like this we are jointly contributing as best we both can. I also actually save the Christmas money straight from my wages before I transfer it into the joint account.

OP posts:
cees · 02/01/2019 11:14

Do your nieces mom and dad buy for your kids?

Original poster
Ragdoll1234 · 02/01/2019 11:20

Yes, they buy for my two but gifts rather than cash. I would say they spend a similar amount.

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 02/01/2019 11:22

Your Niece is 14 why is your husband suddenly putting his foot down about spending on her Christmas present? Your sister buys your children the same Value I don't understand why it is popping up now?

MrsJayy · 02/01/2019 11:23

Is this the first year you have given her cash?

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 02/01/2019 11:37

The problem here is not the £50. It's that he is treating you like a sponger, while having benefitted from the childcare you have provided for years. If you add up what you as a couple would have spent on nursery fees for 2 children, you working or and doing the childcare has saved your family a lot of money. He is willfully refusing to see that and is acting like the big 'I am' just because he works ft.
If my DH spoke to me like that there's be trouble. It's so rude. Ask him how he plans to restructure his working life to do his 50% of childcare going forward. Start now, because you will job hunting. Stop doing anything that benefits him alone - if he wants separate, he can start sorting his own life out.

I hope your house is in joint names because you are vulnerable having cut back on your work while not being married.

You are never going to get a consensus on the £50 - it's all relative. To me it seems reasonable if you are not buying for many people. And it is your money too and don't nlet him tell you otherwise. In a family, jobs are shared out - the earning of money and the looking after if kids. Doesn't matter who does what - it would be like you telling him that the children are more yours than his because you look after them more!

He's being a prick and you need to put a stop to him thinking he can speak to you like that.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 02/01/2019 11:39

My bloody phone has made me look totally illiterate I also have fat fingers. Hopefully you get the gist 😁

B00kedEarly8 · 02/01/2019 12:04

The alternative is that you get a full time job and you both pay for the child care equally. Secondly, by not being married you are financially worse off. Do you both have private pensions, do you have wills, life insurance ?

slappinthebass · 02/01/2019 12:08

Woah, major over reaction from him. I spend £30 but I have 4 nieces and nephews. If I only had the one I would spend £50. I also spend £30 on each of the parents, and double on my childless sibling with SEN. My OH doesn't even ask for a budget. If he was so concerned about a budget surely he should have helped work one out himself with you? I work part time minimum wage, and OH works fill time.

NoSquirrels · 02/01/2019 12:09

You need to get to the root of why he is upset. It's not the £50.

Drogosnextwife · 02/01/2019 12:12

Yes £50 is a lot but your dh reaction to it is crazy and he's being a dick.

Oldraver · 04/01/2019 07:59

So the Christmas money is from your wages before it even hits the joint account so therefore he isn't contributing to Christmas?

Why is this ?

NameChangeNugget · 04/01/2019 08:03

The £50 isn’t the deal here. Rightly or wrongly, it sounds like he feels that you’re taking him for granted

SymphonyofShadows · 04/01/2019 08:07

So if you go to work full time he will be happy to pay half of the holiday and after school childcare will he? Is he happy to do his share of taking annual leave when they are ill and his share of the cooking, cleaning and general mental load that you have taken on?

SwordofGryffindor · 04/01/2019 08:50

Does he earn a lot ?? We used to get €100 off aunts. Like I used to get 50 quid a week of my parents so just depends on what you're earning.

You did a nice thing for your niece spoiling her ! A once off ! You did nothing bad !

MrDarcyWillBeMine · 04/01/2019 08:58

🤔 sorry OP but I think it’s excessive

You’ll get lots of ‘LTB’ type comments and ones blaming your DP - 🙄 because this is MN and that’s what they do! 😂

But honestly I’d be annoyed if DP spent £50 on anyone without consulting me! - We earn a six figure salary between us with plenty of spare cash and the only people we spend >£20 on are siblings, parents and grandparents!

I gave my teen (only) sibling £50 this year but he’s just moved out as a student and struggles a bit! (Also pay for his Netflix)

To give £50 to a niece seems excessive and whilst it’s not right for your DP to blow up at you- if there is a big difference in what you bring home it’s only respectful to check with him!

DP and I have a £50+ agreement where we HAVE to consult each other!

SandyY2K · 04/01/2019 09:01

DH and I buy for our nieces and nephews separately... so I give them what I want.

I decided to do this when he inferred I should spend less on mine, because there were more of them. From then on I said let's do our own.
We don't have joint finances.

£50 is quite a lot.

huuskymam · 04/01/2019 09:11

The amount is irrelevant. I'd be more worried about his reaction. Does he usually kick off like that?