AIBU about Christmas cash gift to my neice

[Ragdoll1234]

My partner of 20 years has flipped over the fact I gifted my 14 yr old niece £50 cash for Christmas. He works full time and I work part time as we have two DD. He said it was too much money and I am wasting his money. We have joint finances and he now wants us to have separate finances and I have to pay my way (his words). He spouted out lots of abuse about how I am robbing him and he pays for our lifestyle and he is fed up. I am really hurt and don't know how to get past this.

AIBU gifting my niece £50 or is he?

I don't think it's unfair to ask him first. He might be lazy with gifts but you could still have a quick discussion. Next year could you give 25 pounds. You don't seem to want to comprise at all?

“Though imo 50 is about right. Can’t get anything with 20 quid these days”

I must live in a different world. £20 is more than generous for a niece or nephew. You can buy plenty with that!!

To me, £50 on a niece is too much, but people differ so much. He was wrong to flip out. As to separate finances, I take it he's willing to pay you 50% of the going rate for childcare for the additional hours you spend with children over what he does?

I spent more than that on DN (DD of BIL & SIL) but it came out of my account and I work FT. We only discuss really big spends, such as a new car.

What did you buy her last year?

How are everyday differences of opinions handled in your relationship?In other words has he reacted this badly at other times?

I gave my two nieces who are 10 and 20 years old £100 cash each and a few smaller Christmas presents like pyjamas and dressing gowns from Boux Ave and some books and make up
I also bought my eldest niece a coat the same as mine as she was admiring mine 😂
I don’t discuss it with my DH as it’s my own money and we keep separate finances so I can spend what I like
They and my own DS are the only ones that i buy big presents and give cash to
for everyone else gets something around the £20 price apart from DH

I start buying presents in the summer.

Havent got much money, but always make sure i buy things for people... On a average spend of about £10-£40 on people for about 20 family members

Niece and nephew on average about £150 each.

The £50 is a lot but the way he spoke to you is really disrespectful and i’d be having a frank discussion with him about that aspect of it. ‘Robbing him’? He wants you to ‘pay your way’? What a bellend.

You need a better way of sorting finances. You and he should have an independent pot of cash each to spend as you see fit.

For what its worth I spend a similar sum on my nieces also teenagers. And £30ish on DH nephews.

There's an arguement that we should spend the same on them all. While we don't give to receive. We don't want others to feel pressured into matching what we spend nor do I want to spend way more than what our kids get back in return.

I give all my teenage nephews/ nieces 20 euro but at times l have had nearly 20 of them. A few are gone over 21 now so presents are over. So if you have only one 50 is fine. My dh doesnt give his any as they dont really do presents in his family. But he doesn't care what l do. I loved getting money from my uncles as a teen. It meant the world to me and a few were quite generous and l literally hadn't a penny so l am paying it forward now. My own dc were thrilled to get 20 and really got excited.
Your dps reaction sounds mean. I would try to work full time so he has no say.

His reaction is way over the top and the stuff about ‘pay your way’ really dodgy. Has he ever said anything like that before?

Is he suddenly worried about money?

He probably has no idea what things cost. It would be good to go through the household budget, and to set a budget for Christmas presents.

But none of that addresses the fact that he was rude and abusive.

Can you sit down and have a conversation about working as a team and mutual respect for what you both do, work and parenting?

(My DNs get £20, my Dc get £20 from relatives who do cash).

£50 does seem a lot for a niece to me (I'd do about £25), but obviously each family has different 'rules' and if you have always done this and especially if you have only one niece, I wouldn't stop now as your circumstances haven't changed and your niece might think she's done something wrong.

However your OP is completely out of order to say that you are 'robbing' him. How bloody dare he! You are doing the important job of caring for your joint children, as well as part time paid employment. He needs to rethink his attitude, and give you some respect. I would be having words.

That is a lot but he is still being U in the way he reacted. We spend about $50au on our nieces/nephews each.

Will he also be going halves in the childcare so you can support a full time job? If not, I hope he intends to pay you for those hours at 50% (which would be half the cost) of the going rate for the hours you do.

i would be mad if i worked Full time just for you to give 50 to your niece thats normally quite a few hours worked .

I spend £5 on kids, £10 on adults.
We're not well off and I'm a SAHM that does all the gift buying and sorting.
DH has one brother.
I have 7 siblings 😱 and then those siblings some are young and some are adults starting to have kids.
I don't put a fiver in a cars (usually) but I am good at budgeting and bargain hunting.
We only spent £100 on our son this Christmas, I couldn't justify giving half of that to a niece or nephew, but that's just because of our financial situation.
My DH would be fuming if I spent £50 on anyone in either if our families, because we just don't have that kind if money.

You spent £50 total on your side of the family, fine. Nobody here can say it's unreasonable as we don't know your finances. What is definitely unreasonable is your husband's behaviour. It's abusive.

It's not about £59. If he's just started being like this there is something else going on

£30 on niece (brother's child) as that's what he always give my kids. Mine older.
£15 - £20 on nephew (sil child) as she spends a lot less on ours

This is not about the £50 or the fact other posters think all their Christmas’ have come at once if they get so much as half a A thru'penny bit and therefore think £50 is an outrage.

For me if I only had a few nieces, that amount would be fine.

The issue here is his demand for separate finances when you have had his children and are financially “disadvantaged” alongside his attitude and language.

Only you know how to gauge this but you need to tread carefully and handle this now.
As you know you from the 100+ threads on here, as you are unmarried with children so have little to no rights to assets accrued during the relationship.

We spend approx £30 per niece/nephew.

His reaction is not acceptable though

Are people still discussing the amount they spend. As opposed to the real issue? The abuse this woman has received. Really?!

Approximately how much did your nieces parents (your DS or DB?) spend on your DC?

If it's reciprocated (more or less) then £50 is fine.

Personally I think £20 is more appropriate, but if your DC are receiving gifts of the same value then it's only fair.

This is not about the gift, this is deeper than that.

How is he with you and the girls generally? My initial reaction was he’s getting his ducks in a row and splitting the finances is the first step.

I work part time as one child at school other is due to start school this year. My children still receive gifts from my DS and it's an equivalent amount.

I am shocked at his reaction as normally mild mannered and easy going. I cannot match his finances and unsure how to proceed with his request. After all these years I do not know how to split finances and what is fair for him to pay and me to pay.