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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it me? Not sure

92 replies

1moreRep · 31/12/2018 12:15

Hello and thanks for reading.
I entered into a relationship with DP in August and we have seen each other a lot since then.

Our relationship is amazing however there's a few things which i could do with a bit of perspective on.

He often comes round when my kids are in bed as i'm conscious of having time with just me and my DDs, so im usually in pjs (no make up) or we do a sport and il be in gym clothes no make up. He will see me in make up / dressed up about once a week.

A few times he has mentioned i'm not putting effort in my appearance and today he has said he's worried that if i don't put more effort in that he may stop finding me attractive.

He says sometimes it's like we're friends. However, it's me initiating sex most of the time. i replied that it's ok if he's no longer into the relationship and offered him an out but he said he still finds me attractive but if he didn't say anything the relationship would be in trouble.

Everything else is amazing, we are making plans for the future etc etc Is this normal- does he have a point?

He is brutally honest which i do struggle with but also appreciate.

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 31/12/2018 12:20

Wow. He's a full fledged member of the negging men's club!!

I'm reading brutally honest as rude and belittling.

VanGoghsDog · 31/12/2018 12:21

No, he does not have a point, he's an arse.

SandyY2K · 31/12/2018 12:22

I'd dump him. He seems very superficial.

SparklyMagpie · 31/12/2018 12:26

He'd be gone. Bastard

bobstersmum · 31/12/2018 12:26

I'm going to be blunt, he's a fucking knobhead.

BackInTheRoom · 31/12/2018 12:28

Shallow. Not a nice quality tbh.

Santaisfastasleepatlast · 31/12/2018 12:30

Glad you mentioned it dp, been worried for a while if your penis stays that size I won't want to have sex with you anymore.
Best we go our separate ways I guess.

category12 · 31/12/2018 12:35

What a lot of crap he comes out with. Does he really expect you to put on a full face of slap to see him at your house after the kids are asleep and for when you're doing sport?

I suspect some red flags are waving, OP. It's early to be "making plans for the future" - future-faking and rushing things? He's negging you and suggesting you need to improve yourself in the first four months(!) of a relationship, when things ought to be pretty sweet. Hmm

RivanQueen · 31/12/2018 12:37

So every time you see him he is freshly shaved, fully man-scaped and in his best clothes? I doubt it. The guys a wanker, 5 months in and he's starting to dictate how you should look so he finds you attractive? Confused What a twat.
My DP has seen me at my absolute worst and he still finds me gorgeous because he sees ME and is attracted to ME not just the body that my soul lives in. Get rid of this waster OP and find yourself someone who sees YOU and will treat you right.

userxx · 31/12/2018 12:37

He's not a keeper. He should be telling you that you're beautiful without a scrap of makeup on.

PickAChew · 31/12/2018 12:38

Oh, bin him.

Dirtybadger · 31/12/2018 12:39

Wow. So he only finds women attractive if they modify their appearance for him? Bit dysfunctional. Or is he saying he finds some women attractive naturally but not you Hmm
Maybe you only find men attractive if they put a bit of lippy on too.

Arsehole!

You can do better.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 31/12/2018 12:41

Shallow. My ex was like this ....it then seeped into telling me he didn't find me attractive wearing certain things, then on to commenting on my food and weight.

I'd be very wary about someone like this.

Original poster
1moreRep · 31/12/2018 12:43

thanks for the replies, i feel awful now as i just apologised and suggested he doesn't visit when the dc are in bed.

OP posts:
LuluBellaBlue · 31/12/2018 12:44

He should find you beautiful with or without make up - in my opinion most beautiful without and then when you are dressed up it’s a nice treat / change!
He clearly sees women as superficial objects there to please men.
I’d start by stopping any home dates or gym dates, as he didn’t want to see you dressed down and only see him for ‘going out’ dates - I’m sure he’d then soon change his tune Grin

MMmomDD · 31/12/2018 13:28

Op - what plans for the future can you make with him???
When one shares a life with another person - most of what they see isn’t the ‘made up’ version of us.
Plus there is aging to factor in.

If he can’t deal with seeing you in PJs - there is no future.
Very simple.

Orange6904 · 31/12/2018 14:06

Charming, let him find someone as shallow as him then.

Original poster
1moreRep · 31/12/2018 14:19

gosh i really do love him and was taken back/ gutted by the remark, is it really unsolvable

OP posts:
Apileofballyhoo · 31/12/2018 14:23

Yes, it's unsolvable. He's criticising you now after 5 or 6 months. Give it 5 or 6 years and he'll have you turned into a nervous wreck. He's not a nice person and this is a huge red flag.

HollowTalk · 31/12/2018 14:25

I'd really struggle with someone who was brutally honest. Can he take it as well as give it out?

Babykoala1 · 31/12/2018 14:27

Run

Apileofballyhoo · 31/12/2018 14:29

Even your title of "Is it me - not sure" shows how this has knocked your confidence.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 31/12/2018 14:29

Please get rid. He sounds terrible OP. Imagine if you get to the stage of living together, you're going to be on egg shells about not making the effort to look your best. He's no good for you. He will only bring you anxiety and negativity. I would dump him now while you're still in the early days, before ypure in too deep.

There are so many better men out there who are dickeheads, and you need one who loves and accepts you without you having to try and " make an effort".

Ovendoor · 31/12/2018 14:30

Nope.

Get rid. You're worth more.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 31/12/2018 14:31
  • who aren't dickheads that should have said!
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