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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it me? Not sure

92 replies

1moreRep · 31/12/2018 12:15

Hello and thanks for reading.
I entered into a relationship with DP in August and we have seen each other a lot since then.

Our relationship is amazing however there's a few things which i could do with a bit of perspective on.

He often comes round when my kids are in bed as i'm conscious of having time with just me and my DDs, so im usually in pjs (no make up) or we do a sport and il be in gym clothes no make up. He will see me in make up / dressed up about once a week.

A few times he has mentioned i'm not putting effort in my appearance and today he has said he's worried that if i don't put more effort in that he may stop finding me attractive.

He says sometimes it's like we're friends. However, it's me initiating sex most of the time. i replied that it's ok if he's no longer into the relationship and offered him an out but he said he still finds me attractive but if he didn't say anything the relationship would be in trouble.

Everything else is amazing, we are making plans for the future etc etc Is this normal- does he have a point?

He is brutally honest which i do struggle with but also appreciate.

OP posts:
Original poster
1moreRep · 31/12/2018 15:05

thanks for the replies, i am gutted i met him when i was not too long out of a very abusive relationship, with someone who was super controlling and abusuve and dp is just so different

OP posts:
category12 · 31/12/2018 15:10

Did you do the freedom programme? Have you done any work on resetting your relationship boundaries following the abusive relationship?

Because it's very easy to slip into a similar relationship, accepting a level 7 bastard after being with a level 10.

Be very wary, op. Look for those red flags.

MrPipsGran · 31/12/2018 15:12

Please dump him.
Your (probably) going to find out further into your relationship that he's exactly the same as your previous DP. Men like this tend to gravitate towards women that they see are vulnerable. You don't need that shite again.
Enjoy your pj time with your DC, it's precious.

MrPipsGran · 31/12/2018 15:13

oops - You're

hellsbellsmelons · 31/12/2018 15:14

No he isn't - he's just abusive in different ways!
Please contact Womens Aid and do their next available course - The Freedom Programme.
Plenty of red flags you that you need to take note of.
He singled you out I'm afraid.
It happens a lot.
You need to reset your boundaries and learn to spot red flags way sooner.
The Freedom Programme will help you with that.
Do some work on you first.
You need to recover from your last relationship before embarking on any more.
You felt something was wrong which is good.
Bin him off.
These are the early warning signs of an abuser.

Hopoindown31 · 31/12/2018 15:18

He sounds like a red pill wanker to me.

apintofharpandapacketofdates · 31/12/2018 15:21

OP please see this man for who he is. At best he's being unkind. At worst, I'd prefer not to think about.

I recommend you spend time on your own. Read Lundy Bancroft. Understand the difference between respectful behaviour and it's ominous cousins, passive aggression and emotional blackmail.

You deserve much better x

Sarcelle · 31/12/2018 15:22

You apologised for your face. Your face.

HeebieJeebies456 · 31/12/2018 15:35

I had an ex bf who said the same to me......apparently being clean, groomed and smelling nice wasn't enough, he wanted me to dress up in skirts/dresses/makeup just so we could hang out at home watching tv.
Like hell was i going to do that after being at work all day.
If we'd been living together/married etc i wouldn't be doing it either so i saw no reason to start a precedence.

He's basically idealising you but taking it a bit too far.
A woman's natural state is NOT a face full of makeup or tight/skimpy/sexy clothes.
If he feels less attracted to you seeing you in your natural state and being comfortable in your own skin then that's his problem to deal with.

Does he come to yours all suited and booted and looking like he's on his way to an event?
If it's ok for him to dress casual when he comes to see you then he's no right asking or expecting you to be 'dressed up'.

What pisses me off the most is how these men like to frame an unreasonable expectation as us not making an 'effort' or not caring about our appearance.
In my experience 'brutally honest' people are actually making rude, insulting and undermining comments, maybe they think by hurting us or making us feel insecure in ourselves or ashamed will force us into doing what they want.

My answer was along the lines of "this is ME and if you don't like it you can sod off".
Best decision i ever made!

Apileofballyhoo · 31/12/2018 15:45

Unfortunately I'm not at all surprised to hear you were in an abusive relationship already, OP. Freedom programme.

This current relationship is just a slippery slope back to where you were.

RoseOfSharyn · 31/12/2018 15:59

My ex was like this. Within a few years he had changed my whole wardrobe to fit with what he found acceptable to wear rather than what i wanted, and i never went anywhere without my hair and make up fully done.

DP is the exact opposite. He loves my clothes style and actually prefers me with no makeup on coz he can actually see me, not a mask of cosmetics. I now only wear what makes me comfortable and as little or much makeup as I want. Its a much happier existence.

Your BF is a shallow superficial arsehole.

RivanQueen · 31/12/2018 16:02

i am gutted i met him when i was not too long out of a very abusive relationship, with someone who was super controlling and abusuve and dp is just so different

No he isn't different. He is an abusive ass hole who has targeted you as someone he can abuse. Given you were not long out of a very abusive relationship I doubt you had time to fully get over that before this man came along. I'm sorry to say OP that he would have seen you a mile off and known you were vulnerable.

I agree with PP's, get in touch with Women's Aid and do the Freedom Program, learn how to spot the red flags and stop getting into relationships with vile men like this.

CrazySheepLady · 31/12/2018 16:13

I hope you, don't mind, OP, but I read some of your post to my husband. I never even got to finish before he was saying get rid and find someone who loves you no matter what.

You deserve better than this shallow and controlling man. Good men really do exist; your current DP just isn't one of them.

NameChangeNugget · 31/12/2018 16:16

Kick him into touch. He sounds horrible

Hazlenutpie · 31/12/2018 16:19

WTAF? He's rude and massively overstepping the mark with you. Definitely get rid.

Original poster
1moreRep · 31/12/2018 16:20

he is such an amazing person usually, i feel floored. I struggle trusting my instincts as i suffer with mental health (medicated and i'm doing well working full time etc etc) but when you suffer with anxiety you struggle to trust your gut

OP posts:
Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 31/12/2018 16:24

He's not amazing. His mask is slipping. He probably thinks he's got you hooked now, so he doesn't have to keep up the false act anymore. Amazing men do not say things like this to their partners. Let him go. I understand it's very hard and you'll be single again. But relationships should be easy and make you happy, not the way you're feeling now.
And the sooner you let him go, the sooner you can meet a nice guy who treats you better. x

Apileofballyhoo · 31/12/2018 16:30

Ah - your gut is telling you this isn't good, but you're struggling to trust it. I'm glad your gut is still raising those flags for you! Maybe you will find you are less anxious if you trust it.

Hazlenutpie · 31/12/2018 16:38

It's good that you've questioned his comments. Please listen to the wise Mumsnetters on here. Flowers

Stardustinmyeyes · 31/12/2018 16:42

I agree with the previous posters.
He's dropping the mask, telling you that if you don't change then the relationship could be in trouble, if you don't conform to his idea of a woman, i.e. dressed up and made up then he won't find you attractive
Bottom line is he's an abusive cunt. I would run as fast as you can and dump his abusive arse.
I would also suggest that you follow the advice given here and do the freedom programme, read the books and rediscover who you are.
They're always lovely fantastic people until the mask drops.
It's good that you're found out now rather than further down the road

MauraIsles · 31/12/2018 16:50

What an arsehole - I’d be binning him to be totally honest, you’ve been in this relationship a matter of months and he’s starting to criticise your appearance, what will he start on next? Sounds like you are getting a glimpse of who he really is. Get rid my love, you need to find someone who appreciates you (dressing gown and all) this is not that man!

Fcukupagain · 31/12/2018 16:54

Run for the hills , and when you get there , run for the next hill thats even further away , particularly since you already have MH issues speaking from experience imo this wont end well for you

teainthemorning · 31/12/2018 17:02

he is such an amazing person - no. he. isn't.
He's telling you that you aren't attractive unless you wear make up; that you, in your natural state, as nature intended, aren't good enough for him.
Well boohoo.
He has no idea how lucky he has been thus far op.
I'm a belligerent old cow and I'd be telling him that I expect him to wear the exact same make up as he's wanting me to wear.
Just get rid of him and find yourself a real man.

Totaldogsbody · 31/12/2018 17:49

He sounds like a controlling arsehole. Don't go there. Get out of it before he takes your confidence away. You've been in an abusive relationship before don't let him pull you into another. I'm sure you are just as pretty without your make up don't let anyone tell you different.

Original poster
1moreRep · 31/12/2018 17:50

it's like he's just changed, i feel unreasonably upset by it . My DC adore him, we've hung out together a lot over xmas. I'm just really saw a future together

OP posts:
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