Is it me? Not sure

[1moreRep]

Hello and thanks for reading.
I entered into a relationship with DP in August and we have seen each other a lot since then.

Our relationship is amazing however there's a few things which i could do with a bit of perspective on.

He often comes round when my kids are in bed as i'm conscious of having time with just me and my DDs, so im usually in pjs (no make up) or we do a sport and il be in gym clothes no make up. He will see me in make up / dressed up about once a week.

A few times he has mentioned i'm not putting effort in my appearance and today he has said he's worried that if i don't put more effort in that he may stop finding me attractive.

He says sometimes it's like we're friends. However, it's me initiating sex most of the time. i replied that it's ok if he's no longer into the relationship and offered him an out but he said he still finds me attractive but if he didn't say anything the relationship would be in trouble.

Everything else is amazing, we are making plans for the future etc etc Is this normal- does he have a point?

He is brutally honest which i do struggle with but also appreciate.

If someone said this to me i would be so upset and angry
It isn’t like men wear make up, so we accept them for what they look naturally like all the time don’t we? But women are judged by men like this for ‘not making an effort’ when we also look natural.
I actually think he means that not making an effort is pissing him off because he wants you to show him how into him you are by doing it. A dick move however you look at it

OP if when he came over you hadn’t had a shower in 5 days and could cook chips in your hair with 7 day old mascara down your face and dinner encrusted PJ’s maybe he would have a point. But in his mind seeing you in your natural beautiful state annoys him

NO no no no no they do not adore him

Dont fall for that word
They like him and hardly know him and will get over it

You've been really rushing things here - it's early days for him to have met the dc. What were you thinking? Who's been driving the headlong dash into him being involved in your family life?

They don't adore him, he's not amazing. You need to keep your feet on the ground. He's just a bloke with clay feet like thousands of other blokes.

Possibly worse than other blokes if the red flags are right.

What on earth is making you think that you are "unreasonably upset" ?!
I would say it's very, very, very reasonable, to be upset by what this absolute twat of a man has said to you! How dare he. Where is he now? Admiring his unfailing gorgeousness in a fucking mirror??!!
Shallow, nasty bastard. Get. Rid.

You wouldn't be normal if you weren't upset. Your DC would be a lot more upset by their Mum walking on eggshells when her DP is around.

Do you want to live a life where you know your DP is going to sulk/be annoyed because you haven't had time after work, cooking and putting DC to bed to do your face and get dressed up for a night of telly?

He isn't wonderful and he hasn't changed - he is just letting the 'real' him slip through. You are not ready for a relationship and he's awful. Please do the freedom programme.

he's gone out as i am working tonight, he's been really quiet on the texts so i know somethings up, if this were someone else i'd be thinking he's got a replacement lined up and wants to shift the blame to me. Yet i know he would never cheat.

I'm just trying not to get too upset as i have a long night ahead of me at work, think i need head space for a while

Oh dear. Sorry OP he’s horrible. Get rid.

And I agree with a pp, you need time on your own and do the freedom programme. This man is grooming you. He’s an abuser.

Yeah and I bet there was a time when you thought he would never say something so shallow and nasty either!

What do you mean you know he would never cheat? You've been with him less than 6 months, you're just starting to get to know him. You really know nothing about him.

You've been with him 4 months. You shouldn't have hung out with him loads over Christmas. Your D.C. should barely know him, certainly not 'adore' him.
You barely know him. Next time slow down.

That's horrible. My DP sees me made up, in pyjamas with no make up, looked after me during a 4 day norovirus attack when I looked (and probably smelled) like the wrath of God and never gave the slightest hint that he found me anything but gorgeous. We've been together for over 6 years.

This man is not lovely and I wouldn't plan a future with him. He's mean and entitled and horrible. I'm sorry but if he's like this now then he will only get worse. I was married to someone like that and it nearly destroyed me so I know of what I speak.

You deserve better OP.

he's been really quiet on the texts
He's playing mind games; drip feed the not wearing make up thing and then go quiet for a couple of days to let you stew get really worried you may be losing him and so be happy to wear the makeup, stockings, suspenders, low cut tops, and do whatever he tells you to do.

I reckon he’s testing you to see how much you’re willing to accept- this won’t get any better.

Find someone who loves you no matter what you’re wearing.

Oh and Yet i know he would never cheat. Don’t bet on it.

I've rarely seen so many red flags in an OP's posts. He sounds like an abusive wanker. You've walked out of one abusive relationship straight into another one.

Dump him and spend some time alone with your children building your self esteem and your defences against these predators.

As suggested by other posters, the Freedom Programme sounds like a good idea.

As a pp said - he's grooming you to accept control and abuse.

FFS he's virtually a stranger, your DC should barely be aware of his existence, let alone 'adoring' him.

You can't stay with him. It will all be your responsibility to keep him sexually attracted which is bullshit. He won't like it when you get wrinkled or go grey or heaven forbid get ill and need nursing through illness.

The simple matter is - you wanna put up with this as the best he can offer (the first year is the best you will get)?

If you have any self-love and respect you will say no. Ditch him.

If you are willing to put up with this, then you have massive self-esteem problems, need to get into counselling, or codependency groups etc.

He needs to be fucked off either way

thanks everyone.

well he hasn't even texted me happy new year or called me.

i am going to have a good sleep tomorrow when i finish work an then workout logistics of getting my things etc

i have done the freedom project previously and i'm in councilling where i'm addressing things

Happy New Year, Rep. Sweep out the old and bring in the new. You deserve a happy comfortable supportive partner who loves every bit of you on good days and bad days and quiet days and busy days and made up days and no make-up days and sick days and healthy days. I'm so glad you listened to your gut and spotted this red flag. Well done to you. Any partner should be coming over to yours after a busy day to be kind and relax together and enjoy each other's company, not tell you off for not glamming up and upset you.

Good luck op

Forget men for 2019. Work on yourself. You and your kids deserve the best.

I think you'd do better alone. If you have other issues to deal with, the last thing you need is someone bringing you down and making you question yourself.
He should find you attractive regardless of how dolled up you get.

My partner has Aspergers so can be very honest (read blunt and occasionally rude) but he would never in a million years say something so hurtful as your partner said to you, as he clearly knew he was undermining your confidence with that remark.

Everything that has been said above is spot on. I wonder if the fact it is you who 'initiates sex most of the time' isn't also a power trip on his part as he equates that in his mind as you 'begging for it'.

All part of the moulding you into the doormat he actually wants you to be. You initiating sex most of the time books you on the back foot- enforces his image of the 'needy and compliant' you but which also further serves to make you feel uncertain and question whether you are attractive in his eyes. The hills are that way 》》》》》run a mile and maybe consider taking a refresher course of the Freedom programme. May your gut instinct continue to serve you well through 2019 and beyond.

gosh i really do love him
Your children have spent lots of time with him and 'adore' him.
^He's amazing.
You're making plans for the future^ with him.

Your actions are a big concern.
The freedom programme didn't work if you are doing this straight after an abusive relationship. Maybe doing it did prompt you to post here. Please listen to everyone.
Don't walk. Run.