I'm being left for the OW - why can't I hate him?!

[Lauramcw28]

So I found out in the early morning of Christmas Eve that my husband has been having an affair since late October. He left his phone unlocked and I lay awake for hours wondering if I should check. Ever since the beginning of November I've thought something had been going on. He was out loads, spending no time at home and even told me he wasn't in love with me anymore.
I asked him about an OW but he always denied it - obviously!

I've not been able to eat or sleep properly since finding out and I'm crumbling in front of my 2 DC who are 5 years and 10 months old. We have been together 8 years and married for 3. I thought we were happy. He has been telling me he hasn't been happy for ages. Pushing it with him he said he hasn't been happy since October. Is it too coincidental that that was when he met her. He told me she made him realise how unhappy he had been. That we are just mum and dad now. He has loads in common with her apparently and nothing with me.

How can someone decide in that space of 2 months that someone showing him a bit of attention means it's all done between us. That he is ripping up our entire family just so he can go be happy for her?!

I am so heartbroken. I really didn't ever expect him (no one did actually) to be so cruel and callous. I expected to spend the rest of my life with him and all he is done is ripped out my heart and stomped on it.

He doesn't Even seem to be remorseful for what he has done either. Like he's more upset he's been caught than anything.

I'm so angry as he agreed to try and work on the relationship back at the start of December, we were doing good I thought. But I still had that nagging doubt that something wasn't right which is why I took the phone.

He doesn't want to be with me now, says that now he knows how happy he can be he would be better off without me, which means he is going off to be with her. How can someone who says he loved me and loves his two kids just do this?! Especially when our baby isn't even a year yet!

I'm now left to deal with everything on my own as I live 2 hours away from my family. Thankfully MIL has been brilliant and so supportive of me, and is completely and utterly disgusted in her son.

It's ruined Christmas this year and my poor wee boy is asking does he have a daddy anymore now that he has left, why did we make this decision? I'm being left to answer all the hard questions when I made no decision at all. My life has been so cruelly ripped out from underneath me and I have no idea what to do next!

What do I do? How do I get over him? Why can't I stop loving him despite what he has done to me? I feel like an idiot and keep looking at things that I might have done to cause this. I'm only just getting over PND with my second with therapy and due to go back to work next week after a year off. How am I supposed to go on? I don't feel strong enough to do any of this.

He's abit of a nob really. Give it time and whole host of other emotions will start bubbling up. In the mean time take each day at a time. Reach out to people. Don't make any snap decisions. Xx

No advice but for you.
Really glad you have your MILs support. You will find happiness again.

Going through this now too. It’s impossible to switch feelings off instantly. We aren’t like them!!
It’s a grieving process that one has to go to.

Journaling can help.
It’s good your MIL is supportive and disgusted with him. (Mine just makes excuses for him).

(Got told similar. He gets on better with her.)

Keep posting.

Everyone keeps telling me I'll be happy again but I really don't see it! I've been barely coping with 2 kids when he does away with work. How do I do it all on my own knowing he isn't coming back!

I'm so sorry OP. It really is traumatic. Ok, first off, 'The Grief Curve' might help you see which stage you're in right now and might reassure you that your feelings are valid and no, you're not going mad.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/inside-out/201309/the-5-stages-grieving-the-end-relationship%3famp

I'm sorry to hear you are going through the same thing lolorolomolo. I just don't get how they can turn it off so quickly. How so much time together where we were happy can mean nothing to them so quickly just for having their head turned! It's so unbelievably selfish!

Your youngest is only 10 months and he's gone and walked off?! I bet he hadn't been doing enough with the kids so it's easy for him to call you no fun when you're doing all the work whilst he goes off. I think the real anger will set in soon for you. He hasn't given a chance at all and each baby needs a year before the relationship can get back on track again as little babies need a lot of time. He is being a real jerk and be aware he may come running back when he sees the grass is not greener. He has abandoned his whole family instead of being a man and looking out for you all especially his two kids. I feel angry for you!

Deep down somewhere they know they have done wrong
But don’t like feeling this
So they rewrite history
Got told he hadn’t loved me for years and the marriage was awful. This then justifies him going to himself

I'd get cross but also aloof. It's likely this fling Is just infatuation ... someone's taken interest - don't chase him, he'll run further away, turn your back somewhat and act aloof and start getting him to think
Of his responsibilities so he needs to cough up money, he needs to find himself a flat with space for your children so they can visit but this is NOT with the new woman as it's too soon, it needs to be at least a year (or whatever) til they meet this other woman.
Tell him you need some time and he has to have the kids full time for x days/evenings a week and you're going back to work so he needs to cough up for child care or work flex so he can do this

Don't make things easy for him, he needs to take 50% responsibility at least plus pay - he's living in a shag bubble, reality actually bites !!

I've been hard to live with the last wee while whilst I've been at councilling. I've had to discuss abuse from an ex in my past, and many other moments which have caused serious anxiety since our second child was born. I have been withdrawn and I have lost confidence in myself because of it all and the fact I've been off work. I turned down a few nights out together with his friends recently as I've been feeling down and he's saying that's one of the biggest reasons I've caused this too. I feel he's just picking on my insecurities! The worse. It is by October I was feeling more like me again and wanted to go back out. It was too late by then 😔

Practicalities are

• child support money
• child contact arrangements

Try to nail this somehow
Maybe someone else can post with advice on this as I am not having much luck so no good suggestions

Everyone keeps telling me I'll be happy again but I really don't see it!

This means nothing to you and tbh will probably make you feel worse because you cannot achieve it right now so ignore such comments. You've got to learn to walk before you can run.

I've been barely coping with 2 kids when he does away with work. How do I do it all on my own knowing he isn't coming back!

Ok, when a spouse/partner leaves, it destabilise you and you feel out of control. A 'Parenting Plan' might offer you an element of control. He has altered your life with this decision so now it's time for you to decide what you are prepared, and not prepared to do now!

www.cafcass.gov.uk/grown-ups/parents-and-carers/divorce-and-separation/parenting-plan/

Should I be seeing a solicitor or should I not start all of this so soon? I don't even know how all the legal stuff works with all this and how much it's going to end up costing either! Does he pay for i5 all as he's the arsehole in all of it?!

Go and see a solicitor as soon as possible, you need to know where you stand financially.

Unfortunately no, he doesn't have to pay for it all. But you need a solicitor to get you and the kids the best deal possible for your future.

Post on legal matters on MN with location, for a recommendation
Or ask around friends

I doubted whether to post this, but it's been therapeutic talking about i5 and I'm getting some great advise, thank you!
I've already worked out the cost of the kids as is - is it fair to expect him to just split 50/50 then even though that maintenance calculator says he should pay much less?

I wonder if fewer men would do this if they thought their cheated partners might just turn round and say, ok, I've decided to be the one to move out, enjoy bringing up the dc on your own.

For what it is worth, this will end up biting the OW on the bum. It sounds very much as if this is a case of the grass being greener for your husband - when you have small children and all the stresses and strains that brings, someone who comes with no strings can seem very attractive. But once he's with her all the time, the shine will wear off pretty quickly, and if she wants children he's going to find himself back at square 1 but with less money - by which time your children will be older and you will be the one with more freedom. Your husband will then be looking around again at unattached women, and the cycle will repeat.

I know the whole situation feels absolutely awful at the moment, but make up your mind that getting on with your life, showing him you don't need him and living well is definitely the best revenge.

Sorry for what you are going through. There is a thread on here called 'Being replaced' if you scroll down the board. A lot of us are going through the same as you and have been given the same lines.

MsChook I did say this and he said "great" so I immediately backed down. I think he would have done just fine and I would be on the outside now.

The OW has a daughter who is like 9 I think. One of the messages on his phone was going on about how she was doing elf on a shelf and the girl was raging at the elf. He replied saying "see if I'd stayed over I'd of gotten to see that!"
Who honestly says that when they have two of their own kids at home to wake up to?!

Sorry you're going through this OP.

With a toddler, a baby and a wife in need of support he shouldn't have had the time, energy or inclination for an affair. Yet he did, because he's selfish.
Not that there's ever a good time, he left you at the worst possible time of the year, because he's selfish.
I'll bet his head was turned because, like so many men, he couldn't handle no longer being the centre of your attention when the baby arrived, because he's selfish.

Don't rely on him to do right by you and the kids as far as seperation and divorce goes. He won't, because he's selfish. So get yourself a shit hot lawyer, right now, and make sure you and your kids get every last penny you're entitled to.

My guess is he is going to refuse and pay cash munimum which legally he can do.

At the moment find a solicitor . You can book an appointment.

Focus on the every day. What can you do today to break your day up? Visit a friend? See mil? Get out to the park?

Take each day a step at a time.

I left my ex ( although he was abusive) when my Ds was 10 months old . We found our own grove. It was far more relaxed.

You will find your anger. I would just ignore him for now .

You don't have to be happy straight away, some days all you can do is breathe in and out and keep the kids alive. Be very kind to yourself.

I suppose it depends on your earnings too. I'd recommend speaking to CAB so you can apply for any financial support you're entitled to. You might get discounted childcare etc.
Right now you just need to focus on making sure you're financially secure. Plenty of time to deal with the emotional stuff wten you've had a bit more time to process x