I'm being left for the OW - why can't I hate him?!

[Lauramcw28]

So I found out in the early morning of Christmas Eve that my husband has been having an affair since late October. He left his phone unlocked and I lay awake for hours wondering if I should check. Ever since the beginning of November I've thought something had been going on. He was out loads, spending no time at home and even told me he wasn't in love with me anymore.
I asked him about an OW but he always denied it - obviously!

I've not been able to eat or sleep properly since finding out and I'm crumbling in front of my 2 DC who are 5 years and 10 months old. We have been together 8 years and married for 3. I thought we were happy. He has been telling me he hasn't been happy for ages. Pushing it with him he said he hasn't been happy since October. Is it too coincidental that that was when he met her. He told me she made him realise how unhappy he had been. That we are just mum and dad now. He has loads in common with her apparently and nothing with me.

How can someone decide in that space of 2 months that someone showing him a bit of attention means it's all done between us. That he is ripping up our entire family just so he can go be happy for her?!

I am so heartbroken. I really didn't ever expect him (no one did actually) to be so cruel and callous. I expected to spend the rest of my life with him and all he is done is ripped out my heart and stomped on it.

He doesn't Even seem to be remorseful for what he has done either. Like he's more upset he's been caught than anything.

I'm so angry as he agreed to try and work on the relationship back at the start of December, we were doing good I thought. But I still had that nagging doubt that something wasn't right which is why I took the phone.

He doesn't want to be with me now, says that now he knows how happy he can be he would be better off without me, which means he is going off to be with her. How can someone who says he loved me and loves his two kids just do this?! Especially when our baby isn't even a year yet!

I'm now left to deal with everything on my own as I live 2 hours away from my family. Thankfully MIL has been brilliant and so supportive of me, and is completely and utterly disgusted in her son.

It's ruined Christmas this year and my poor wee boy is asking does he have a daddy anymore now that he has left, why did we make this decision? I'm being left to answer all the hard questions when I made no decision at all. My life has been so cruelly ripped out from underneath me and I have no idea what to do next!

What do I do? How do I get over him? Why can't I stop loving him despite what he has done to me? I feel like an idiot and keep looking at things that I might have done to cause this. I'm only just getting over PND with my second with therapy and due to go back to work next week after a year off. How am I supposed to go on? I don't feel strong enough to do any of this.

Whilst we were going through the tough part in November I actually said I would leave and go live with my parents and leave him with the kids...that resulted in him not coming home at all that night. Now I know where he was staying I guess.
I just wanted him to understand he has responsibilities in these kids too as part of this I feel is that he hates having responsibility. So in my case he would have been much worse off if I'd have just gone. Couldn't do that to my boys though!

How horrible that he was more interested in seeing his OW's DC's reaction than waking up with his own baby and toddler, that's gross. Hold that thought if you miss him. He hasn't just cheated on you.

Jesus, OP, that last message made me shudder. What an utter bastard.

You’ll be stronger without this muppet in your life. When he comes out of the shag-haze, he’ll regret his stupidity for the rest of his life.

Go to a solicitors and get ready to take the twat to the cleaners.

for you.

I meant the ‘Elf on the Shelf’ message. The utter disregard for his own children, in order to ingratiate himself with his shagpiece.

Yuk.

he sounds like a prize twat. You will get through this. His MIL sounds good glad shes supporting you as she should. He will regret this! Arsehole.

Chances are he doesn’t love this other women, he’s just been reminded what it’s like in those early months of seeing someone new (fun and exciting), this doesn’t mean he will come back to you , it means he’s not been happy in the relationship for some time and someone else showing interest in him has made him think about what he wants long term.

I’m probably going to get flamed as I have been in your dh’s situation, I’m not proud of it. I was married for ten years, I no longer had feelings for dh, things were boring and having kids had changed so much, he wasn’t the man I thought I had married. Someone (a old friend) approached me one night and told me everything I wanted to hear, he told me how amazing I was, how atractive I was (something that dh had not told me for many years), I started chatting to this guy via my phone but did not sleep with him, I know technically I was still doing wrong. I left dh a few weeks later and went on to sleep with this man. I did not stay with him but I divorced dh and I’m so glad I did, I was miserable living the life I was living with him.

Your dh has told you several times over the past few months that things are not the same anymore, it’s almost as if he wanted you to ask him to leave because he’s to much of a wimp to leave you.

Go and see a solicitor and see where you stand regarding finances.
My ex dh is now in another relationship, I am single. You can be happy again.

Be kind to yourself. All you need to focus on right now is getting through each day and breathing. Eat to keep your strength up if you can manage it. Take any help offered from mil or others.

See a solicitor in tne new year but don’t make any major decisions right now. You are in for a rollercoaster of emotions over the coming weeks/months.

I don’t know you but I send you a virtual hug.

It's so hard to get your head around that the man you love and trust implicitly can turn in to a cold cruel stranger. There is no fast forward button unfortunately, you just have to ride the storm. You will get over this and come out the other end much stronger.

I am so so sorry, OP. He sounds like a right twat.

Yes, see a solicitor. See where you stand. Do you own your house together or rent?

My xh did the same thing. We had been together for 17 years! And he decided to have an affair when our youngest was just months old and in hospital as 11 weeks prem.

One big piece of advice someone said to me in the early days is to remember that the guilt he feels in the early days will wear off. He had promised me the house and X amount for maintenance. I was told to ensure I started the ball rolling quickly because his guilt won't last forever.

He did pay extra whilst the childcare payments were so high. When the youngest got her 15hrs he cut it to bare minimum . I did get the house though! Cost a few £1000 in solicitor fees though.

I'm 5 years on and the DC and I are happy. He unfortunately is still with the OW (she was a friend). I find this hard as I really can't stand her and knowing the DC spend so much time with her and him is unbelievably difficult. I suppose you could argue he didn't throw it all away for nothing .

Anyway. The love you feel for him will take a while to go. It took a couple of years for me. But I honestly now don't feel much at all. There were many months of rage and anger too!
Look forward to a new new year. Yes 2019 will be hard, but by the end of it, you will suprise yourself with how far you've managed to go and how strong you are. for you.

Two years ago I was in a very similar position happily (or so I thought) married until I discovered the OW in December and the affair that had started the October before. Before the real sadness kicked in I was angry and used this to drive me through the Christmas period and get things moving- solicitors appointment in January, property valuation and sorting out contact. I wanted to post to echo what pp have said- it got tough after the seperation SBEXH rewrote history to justify his actions and had a lot of anger towards me for ending things when I found out but it does get better. After the anger had passed and all the practical tasks were done I attended counselling to cope with some of the sadness and grief which was a big help in getting me feeling in control.
Two years on I have a new home with DC am doing well and in another relationship which is going well. If you have a close network of family/friends don’t be sacred to lean on them for practical support or even to vent and be kind to yourself- this is a huge shock and upheaval.

OP, I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this - it's never a good time to find out, but it does seem particularly cruel to be put in this situation at this time of year. I found myself in very similar circumstances a few Christmases ago - two very young children, family a very long way away, and a 'D'H who decided that the fun of a three-month affair was obviously worth leaving his family (i.e. real life) behind for.

I've got two sets of advice for you - for now, and for the long-term. Immediately, you need to concentrate on you and your little ones. Eat what you can (live on soup and smoothies if it's all you can stomach), talk to whoever will listen (funnily enough, my MIL was also my rock throughout this, woman's an absolute star) and focus on the practical things like making sure you know how the bills are going to get paid. And yes, look at the parenting plan thing, it can really help you concentrate on what's best for your children and be an invaluable starting point for a good 'working relationship' with your OH. Solicitor can probably wait, but no harm in starting to research your options. Someone suggested keeping a journal, and I'd second that - you can write down all the stuff in your head that feels too much or too personal to share with another person, or that feels disloyal to discuss. Keep posting here, or at least reading threads on Relationships - it's not an exaggeration to say that Mumsnet got me through this most awful and turbulent period of my life. There are some amazing posters on here whose words and kindness I'll never forget.

In the long-term, nobody can predict how things will turn out for you - in many cases an affair spells the end, in some it doesn't. Regardless, once this initial phase is over and the anger does kick in (it will, don't worry...), turn that into a positive thing that helps you carve out a path that you choose instead of what his actions have imposed on you. What do you want out of life; what have you had to compromise on because of being a wife and mother? I was bloody furious that my social and professional life had taken a back seat to my XH after having children, while his had been barely affected at all, and all the thanks I got was for him to decide 'fuck this, life with young kids is a bit hard and not much fun!'. So I took up a couple of new hobbies, started volunteering, started studying, made sure he finally started spending time with his own children, giving me the time to do my stuff and properly reconnect with my friends and family, my support network.

I could go on for pages - there's no short answer or journey - but you've got understanding and support here and you will get through this, I promise.

So sorry you are having to go through this. Be kind to yourself and take all offers of support that you can get, emotionally or practically. It hurts like hell but it will get better. Try not to think too far ahead.

This is not your fault. He has dealt with a challenging time (young children, PND) by betraying you in the worst way. I am glad that your MIL is supporting you as so many seem to excuse their son.

OP, it is still very early and raw and you need time to come to terms with what has happened. There is no rush.

Even though your dh has left the home he is unable to leave his responsibilities behind him. If you are able, try to reach agreement between yourselves on plans for your children, living arrangements and money. You can get help with this from a mediator or other type of dispute resolution service.

Unless you feel unsafe, or you think your dh will not support you and the children financially seeing a solicitor is not an urgent priority. Seeing a solicitor can be expensive and it makes sense to see one only if needed, so early on.

He has had time to come to terms with this and you haven't. Make sure he knows that! Nob. Poor you, you are better off without him. Sending hugs x

If he wasn't happy he should have talked to you, not sail off with someone new who has faults too by the way. Everyone looks fun at the start. Google the cheaters script they all say the same old thing.

I hadn't thought of him cheating on more than me to be honest. That message about the elf hurt me more than some of the disgusting sexual ones and pictures. He really is a twat. I do just wish it would make me hate him though!

Bevelino’s practical advice is good of first steps to take :-)

@Lauramcw28 - yes you've been unwell recently but that's what the 'in sickness and in Health ' vows are about - standing by you and helping you to get better, not getting fed up and shagging the next bit of fluff that wonders her eye over him - I'm cross for you
!
And yes see a solicitor - do you own your home or rent? Make sure he doesn't have free reign on your bank account too

@MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah

I wonder if fewer men would do this if they thought their cheated partners might just turn round and say, ok, I've decided to be the one to move out, enjoy bringing up the dc on your own.

I know someone
who did this. All of a sudden he decided to stay.

He wasn't having an affair...but as soon as she said she'd leave the kids with him and see them EOW... his tune changed.

It's not easy to go from loving someone unconditionally to hating them. Your feelings will change over time, you're still coming to terms with the fact that he wasn't the person you thought he was.

It doesn't feel like it now, but you deserve so much better than him. He is a selfish, self-centred brat.
At a time when he should have been helping and supporting you and showing his love for you and his children, he chose to service his dick ego instead.
See a solicitor a.s.a.p. and hold your head high - it does get easier and you will find your anger.

I'm so sorry this has happened op.
My advice is don't expect anything from him.
In fact expect the worst.
From now on you may be your children's only provider.
The csa (or whatever it is called now) wasn t setup just for the sake of it. Lots of men (and some women) do not provide voluntarily for their children, neither do they put them first.
I'm sorry that is hard but your h has already shown you who matters most in his life and that is not you or his children.
I also recommend talking to friends and work colleagues. They will be sympathetic and might be able to offer practical and emotional help.

The grass will not be greener as he is about to find out. When reality hits and it will he will come running back to you. It's then that you have to decide what you want. Hopefully by then you will be in a much better place than now and won't give him the time of day. He's a stupid selfish man child. You deserve better X

You WILL get through this, you absolutely will. I know it seems impossible right now but you will come out the other side.
Talk to as many friends and family as you can. Do not feel worried that people don't want to know, those that care for you, will absolutely want to be supportive.

Make a plan, childcare, work, routine, finances etc. Don't sit there thinking I can't do this, tell yourself 'ok, this isn't the life I thought I would have but it's still my life and my children and I are worth living this new life with positivity and courage.' You CAN do this. You will shock yourself with your own resilience and of course make time to grieve, this is a huge event, one that you haven't asked for. Hold your head up high, you have done nothing wrong, this is all him and the only other thing I will suggest is from an age appropriate perspective, be honest with your children. Don't make excuses for their Dad, don't be rude about their Dad either, just be honest. It won't make much sense now, but they'll thank you for that honesty when they're older. Your children will amaze you with how they adjust, you just have to love yourself, keep talking and remember, he really, REALLY isn't worthy of you.

All the very best.

From a practical point of view:

Are you married or living together?

Do you rent or own? Who's name is on the tenancy/mortgage?

Is he working full time?

Has he stated where he will be living?

Do you have any joint finances?

Has he spoken about seeing the children?