I'm being left for the OW - why can't I hate him?!

[Lauramcw28]

So I found out in the early morning of Christmas Eve that my husband has been having an affair since late October. He left his phone unlocked and I lay awake for hours wondering if I should check. Ever since the beginning of November I've thought something had been going on. He was out loads, spending no time at home and even told me he wasn't in love with me anymore.
I asked him about an OW but he always denied it - obviously!

I've not been able to eat or sleep properly since finding out and I'm crumbling in front of my 2 DC who are 5 years and 10 months old. We have been together 8 years and married for 3. I thought we were happy. He has been telling me he hasn't been happy for ages. Pushing it with him he said he hasn't been happy since October. Is it too coincidental that that was when he met her. He told me she made him realise how unhappy he had been. That we are just mum and dad now. He has loads in common with her apparently and nothing with me.

How can someone decide in that space of 2 months that someone showing him a bit of attention means it's all done between us. That he is ripping up our entire family just so he can go be happy for her?!

I am so heartbroken. I really didn't ever expect him (no one did actually) to be so cruel and callous. I expected to spend the rest of my life with him and all he is done is ripped out my heart and stomped on it.

He doesn't Even seem to be remorseful for what he has done either. Like he's more upset he's been caught than anything.

I'm so angry as he agreed to try and work on the relationship back at the start of December, we were doing good I thought. But I still had that nagging doubt that something wasn't right which is why I took the phone.

He doesn't want to be with me now, says that now he knows how happy he can be he would be better off without me, which means he is going off to be with her. How can someone who says he loved me and loves his two kids just do this?! Especially when our baby isn't even a year yet!

I'm now left to deal with everything on my own as I live 2 hours away from my family. Thankfully MIL has been brilliant and so supportive of me, and is completely and utterly disgusted in her son.

It's ruined Christmas this year and my poor wee boy is asking does he have a daddy anymore now that he has left, why did we make this decision? I'm being left to answer all the hard questions when I made no decision at all. My life has been so cruelly ripped out from underneath me and I have no idea what to do next!

What do I do? How do I get over him? Why can't I stop loving him despite what he has done to me? I feel like an idiot and keep looking at things that I might have done to cause this. I'm only just getting over PND with my second with therapy and due to go back to work next week after a year off. How am I supposed to go on? I don't feel strong enough to do any of this.

I am so sorry to hear this, these threads seem to be full of similar posts. He is behaving this way as he had it all planned out and you are having to play catch up. He will blame you for everything to ease his own guilt and will also reinvent the past, he is a stranger to you now and someone you do not recognise. You suspected something and you were right, always trust your instinct. His head has been turned and he thinks the grass is greener elsewhere, he is in for a shock when the honeymoon period wears off. Try and get through the here and now, be very kind to yourself and lean on your friends and family. It will be a very long , rocky road in the months ahead, keep posting on here for support.

What happens when the honeymoon period wears off?
Do they always realise grass isn’t greener? I

When my exh left he told me that he'd never wanted to get married and had been unhappy for a long time. A year later he was living with the OW and was saying to me that our wedding day was the happiest day of his life and was asking about my happiest memories of our relationship. When I questioned how it could have been the happiest day of his life when he'd told me that he never wanted to get married, he said "but that's what you say when you want to split up".

He was really upset when I said I have no happy memories - those all went when he told me that he'd never wanted to get married. I think he found it a huge dent to his ego that I didn't regard the time we spent together as blissful. I believe he thought that I would develop amnesia about his shagging around and just retain a rose tinted view of the relationship. Barking.

OP - just don't take anything negative he says about you to heart. It's all part of the script and doesn't reflect reality, it's just a means to an end. You are a much better person than he will ever be.

Sorry you are going through this, I am going through similar although he didn’t have an affair he announced 2 weeks before Christmas that he doesn’t love me anymore, he is moving out this week, he has already joined Tinder and lined up his first date. It is utterly heartbreaking, I am finding it very hard to think about practicalities, I have days where I can see a happier future and days when I despair. I am going to find it so hard to see him with someone else, like you say you can’t just stop loving someone at the click of fingers. I have just written a list on my phone to read during difficult moments, it reminds me to be kind to myself, be the better person and that I will be happy one day. The hardest thing I am struggling with at the moment is letting him go, I am going to struggle not to Facebook stalk etc but I know that will only cause me more pain. If I could give you a big hug now I would x

I so wish I had MN when my ex left me with two very young dc's. I too was blamed for his 'unhappiness', yet when we were together he never once told me he was unhappy!
That's why it came as a huge shock when he found someone else, and even though he's still with her to this day, I know for a fact he isn't happy (he's admitted as much to our dd's) but because he's married again, I don't think he'd want to leave his big house, knowing full well she'll probably take him for everything.
I also know that his wife is extremely insecure about me and doesn't trust my ex. Well why would she trust him when she knows he's a cheat?

You need to take care of yourself now. Start by getting a solicitor and making a claim via cms. Also look at www.entitled2.co.uk to work out what you can claim. Don't expect him to play nicely - some say they will, most don't - they need the money for there new life,

I'm so sorry that there seems to be so many of us going through this just now. Men really can be selfish arseholes sometimes.

We currently rent the house we live in, joint rental agreement, but it's his mums house. Thankfully she has said we can continue to stay there as long as we need. I think my worry is that when the dust settles on all this that that could change. She isn't like that at all, but she can't hate her son forever!

I've reeled out a list of demands ie childcare and finance and he said he'd give me whatever I needed but I'm starting to doubt all this with some of these messages!

Thank you so much to everyone on here, I really am so glad I posted. This morning I felt in a big pit of despair after a breakdown last night. I do feel slightly better right now!

Laura
I think women often find its when a new woman is on the scene/or the OW starts making her demands, our ex's tend to 'change tack' and turn even more nasty, I'm sorry to say.
This was definitely true in my case.

My advice is to expect him to 'play dirty' and so go for everything you can!

This happened to me about 14 months ago. I was devastated initially but now I'm much happier and feel the OW did me a favour!

You might be eligible for universal credit now. We also rented and I couldn't see how I'd be able to afford it, but I applied and got UC even though I work too.

Really feel for you. Your kids are still quite young and obv one is only a baby.

It does make me think that he sees a future with this woman as he would have much more freedom. The grass is always greener 🙄. Having young children is hard and he is horrible for leaving you with them.

In the months and years to come you'll see him for what he really is and you'll be glad he isn't in your life but that doesn't help you right now.

Thankfully she has said we can continue to stay there as long as we need. I think my worry is that when the dust settles on all this that that could change. She isn't like that at all, but she can't hate her son forever!
She doesn't have to hate her son in order to love her gc and not want to see them have to leave their home.
I'm a grandmother - I love my son and would support him through thick and thin.
But I also love my gc and no way in hell would I risk losing them by taking sides.

I’ve been where you are - 6 years ago. I’ve been divorced a year. A solicitor isn’t urgent. Firstly get tax credits sorted. Apply online. He will need to pay CM as per the calculator. If you have a mortgage it is in his interest to continue to pay that until you decide what to do otherwise house could be reprossesed. I saw a solicitor initially then did nothing for 3 years as I needed time for things to settle down. Ex had mentally moved on once I found out about the affair so I d the kids needed time to regroup. Don’t panic. Lots of us have been through it. It is hard. They are gits but that is someone else’s problem now. Hugs.

for you OP.

What a git!

Www.survivinginfidelity.com
Had great guidance on how to get through this.

My top tips.

1. Implement the 180 now(see the above website.
2. Look after yourself- if that means demanding he takes the kids for a couple of hours (tonight would be perfect so you can have a break so be it. Eat and drink.
3. Tell people- give him nowhere to hide. You have nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of!
4. Gather financial information.

Copy his payslips, bank statements, pension valuation etc. Talk to the child support people ASAP. If you have a joint account open your own. Book a solicitors appointment and use the joint account money.

The pain will ease in time, it will I promise. You are in shock and grieving but it will pass.
You deserve better
Your kids deserve better

Op, I am so sorry. That message 're elf seems like him guilt tripping her into him staying over. If she has a 9 year old she would be mad to let him stay over or move in..suspect he will apply pressure however.

You need to allow time to recover from the shock, it will have a physical impact to your sleep and appetite.
Take time to process and surround yourself with support. No rationale person will blame you..he will be seen as an idiot for leaving for OW.

Sadly the law does not offer much financial protection for you, other than CMS and 50% share of assets. Do you know if there are savings, does he have a pension?

If he is agreeing to be more generous then I would recommend you get it solicitor to get it documented but don't do anything until you feel able. I felt rushed to take legal advice and wasn't really in the best place to make those decisions.

I predict your H will regret this but by the time he realises it you will have moved on.

Hating him will come, believe me.

In the meantime what you need to do is go absolutely stone cold on him. No begging or pleading for him to come back to you. The only interaction you should have with him is about the children. Keep the tone dry and blunt. No need to tell him how much he has destroyed you and his family, he doesn't care.

The most unattractive thing in the world is someone doing the pick me dance where you spend your time trying to win him back because you love him.

However, you may find if you cut him dead, he will come crawling when the reality of living with the OW sets in.

You're panicking as you've lost all control of your life, you feel lost. Take control back by taking care of you and your kids.

Sorry to hear especially over the Christmas period. It happened to me when my baby was six months and I was on maternity leave. The best thing I did was go back to work and join a gym. Let him have the kids a couple of nights a week find yourself and have some fun . He's a shit bag and not worth you wasting your time on if he hadn't made a clean break then he never will. Get rid now and be selfish and find yourself again and you will. Have fun with your children and look after you three don't believe a word he says and don't leave the house make him leave! Xx

Oh love this is awful. What an absolute twatweasel.

Take each hour as it comes and acknowledge your feelings, they're valid and you're not expected to be happy.
I'm glad your MIL is supportive, have you got other friends around to help?

Sending love.

I'm afraid to say I have been doing the pick me dance. I am going to stop now as today he has shown his even worse side! I've had to go to hospital and been diagnosed with mild pneumonia. Anyway kind of thought it would be better for me to go away for a few days on my own away for the kids, give me time to relax and recover.

Went home to tell him and he lost it at me saying "but what about my plans!" Well I tell you! He's had it easy for far too long. He's going to see he will be doing more childcare now than he has ever done before! 50/50 from now on!

He also thinks I'm turning his kids against him too. I would never ever do anything to jeopardise my sons opinion of his dad! Unfortunatly I had a bit of a mini breakdown and got upset that I know only had a family of three and that was how we were ending the year...and the 5 year old heard it. Going to have to be more careful in the future with what I say.

But I've been having to deal with the daily questions on why he thinks he doesn't have a daddy anymore, where daddy is living, when he will see daddy. It's so hard!

Oh op, I’m so sorry - hope you begin to feel better soon and manage to get some rest.
Thinking of you and hope 2019 is the start of a much brighter future for you and your dc.

What a selfish man, glad you are seeing his true colours...I had walking pneumonia, hopefully with antibiotics and rest you will feel better.

Stagggering how some men are so self centred..foolish OW, she thinks he will be different with her. They never are so she will have a wake up.

☕️💐
I was going to send wine but then realised you can’t with antibiotics.
So flowers and a hot beverage and hugs and sympathy

How are you today OP

Had a bit of a breakdown this morning. I miss my boys, and anytime I've ever been away he always texts me to tell me what they are up to. I feel like right arm has been cut off! Him just suddenly being so cold and distant is killing me.

I've had a cry! It's just the thought of him being with someone else after not even 3 months ago he was doing nice things for me, randomly telling me he loved, it's so hurtful! That and the fact we got engaged 5 years ago at the bells...I can't stop thinking about it and wondering where on earth that lovely man has gone!

How are you feeling lolorolomolo? I wish I could fast forward a year at this point!

He's just yet another fucking immature moron who's had a bit of attention and misses not having responsibilities. The grass isn't greener on the other side, it's just more grass, and he has destroyed everything.