I'm being left for the OW - why can't I hate him?!

[Lauramcw28]

So I found out in the early morning of Christmas Eve that my husband has been having an affair since late October. He left his phone unlocked and I lay awake for hours wondering if I should check. Ever since the beginning of November I've thought something had been going on. He was out loads, spending no time at home and even told me he wasn't in love with me anymore.
I asked him about an OW but he always denied it - obviously!

I've not been able to eat or sleep properly since finding out and I'm crumbling in front of my 2 DC who are 5 years and 10 months old. We have been together 8 years and married for 3. I thought we were happy. He has been telling me he hasn't been happy for ages. Pushing it with him he said he hasn't been happy since October. Is it too coincidental that that was when he met her. He told me she made him realise how unhappy he had been. That we are just mum and dad now. He has loads in common with her apparently and nothing with me.

How can someone decide in that space of 2 months that someone showing him a bit of attention means it's all done between us. That he is ripping up our entire family just so he can go be happy for her?!

I am so heartbroken. I really didn't ever expect him (no one did actually) to be so cruel and callous. I expected to spend the rest of my life with him and all he is done is ripped out my heart and stomped on it.

He doesn't Even seem to be remorseful for what he has done either. Like he's more upset he's been caught than anything.

I'm so angry as he agreed to try and work on the relationship back at the start of December, we were doing good I thought. But I still had that nagging doubt that something wasn't right which is why I took the phone.

He doesn't want to be with me now, says that now he knows how happy he can be he would be better off without me, which means he is going off to be with her. How can someone who says he loved me and loves his two kids just do this?! Especially when our baby isn't even a year yet!

I'm now left to deal with everything on my own as I live 2 hours away from my family. Thankfully MIL has been brilliant and so supportive of me, and is completely and utterly disgusted in her son.

It's ruined Christmas this year and my poor wee boy is asking does he have a daddy anymore now that he has left, why did we make this decision? I'm being left to answer all the hard questions when I made no decision at all. My life has been so cruelly ripped out from underneath me and I have no idea what to do next!

What do I do? How do I get over him? Why can't I stop loving him despite what he has done to me? I feel like an idiot and keep looking at things that I might have done to cause this. I'm only just getting over PND with my second with therapy and due to go back to work next week after a year off. How am I supposed to go on? I don't feel strong enough to do any of this.

OP - just don't take anything negative he says about you to heart. It's all part of the script and doesn't reflect reality, it's just a means to an end. You are a much better person than he will ever be

^^ This, op. Keep 're reading this.

Hi Op, seems like the only time I post on here is to recommend this book, and I really, really wish I didn’t have to keep doing it, can’t fathom how these man children keep getting away with it. Please get hold of a copy of Runaway Husband by Vikki Stark as soon as you can. It won’t bring your husband back but it will explain the things that seem inexplicable to you now, will comfort you that you are not alone, and will hopefully set you on the road to realising that you do not want or need the selfish twat back.

I would also really recommend getting a counsellor if you can, a safe place to vent was a godsend when this happened to me 3 years ago.

Always remember that it’s not you, it’s him. You will recover but he will have always done this terrible thing and will have to live with it however many lies he tells himself or other people.

Stay strong, and keep posting for support

I need to really remember that yes he I going to be really mean to me to justify what he has done and excuse himself for doing what he did. Demonising me basically!

DS1 FaceTimed me there and I'm trying not to be annoyed both kids are still in their jammies, and have done nothing but watch tv all day.

I still keep thinking for some stupid reason that I would take him back if he would come. I wish this feeling of desperation would leave. I know I couldn't ever really take him back after everything I've read and every way he has spoken to me and treated me.

I'm just missing my best friend, the one I told everything to, that cuddled me and made me feel secure. But I know I wouldn't ever be able to let him touch me again after all of this. Hate him for doing this and blowing everything!

I'm so sorry OP.. Another one checking in here to tell you a similar story, about 5 years ago now. OW was a friend of exs from his hobby that I had encouraged him to take up as our kids were emerging from toddler hood and getting a little easier. She was a struggling single mum and he liked the idea of being a Knight in shining armour. I would second what others have said about early promises fading fast. Mine explicitly said he'd never pay the bare minimum, promised over 1k pm until a couple of months down the line when the reality of what that would mean for him. He very swiftly put up a huge fight to reduce and reduce until surprise surprisr we are down to the minimum which he self righteously declares is what he 'should' pay despite it covering only about 25% of their actual costs (we both work and he earns more than me). He only sees them EOW at his choice and frequently misses the Friday night because he has something better to do. The script was followed to the letter and he remains v hostile to me regardless that it was him who had the affair and left. He and OW are married and she is pathetically insecure about him, though I can guarantee her I'd never ever take him back now. You were absolutely right to leave him with the kids.. As others have said they always just assume that the ex wife will pick up the slack. I wish it had occurred to me to say no when ex did it to me.

For now, keep breathing, one hour at a time, eat easy stuff and let people in rl know so they can help and support you. If you are sure you wouldn't take him back then frankly you may as well start the ball rolling with solicitors. If you file first it gives you a measure of control over timing etc. Good luck x

Well I had a bad night last night. I was starting to think abou5 finances and childcare arrangements and he started texting me about the boys. I then embarrassingly started pleading and begging him over text to at least try again.

I just can't believe that since meeting her his personality has just changed so much. How has he become this mean horrible person that is the exact opposite of the man I have lived with for so long!

He seems to have some flawed view of how this will work going forward and wants to do things with the kids together again. How does he think that can happen when every time I see him my heart breaks at what he has done to me! I barely slept last night at all and now I have to drive 2 hours home. The point in me being here was to get a bit of rest and feel refreshed looking after the boys again😔

The personality change is part due to compartmentalisation - so head is in “new life” now. Guilt - he knows he has done a Bad Thing - so cuts off feeling too much when around you. And in his head justifies what he has done by rewriting history of the marriage in his head.

Google the 180

You need to set up child contact arrangements though no advice as currently stuck at this myself and the constant emailing does set me back

He seems to have some flawed view of how this will work going forward and wants to do things with the kids together again.
I think this behaviour is related to the storyline in which you and he had supposedly not got along together for ages / ever been a proper couple, and thus you are supposedly absolutely fine about him going off with the new woman. In that version of the truth, you are not devastated, he has nothing to feel guilty about and you will all meet up in the park and have picnics like one big happy family.

My ex was quite surprised when I told him "Er, no, that's not how it works; we're divorcing and that means we'll see less and less of each other until one day we never have to meet up ever again".

Don't be upset with yourself OP for asking him to rethink. You're heartbroken, scared and not well.

But oh boy is he selfish! He can't even give you a few days to recuperate without being a class A shit. Sounds like mine. Suddenly overnight was a different person. Cruel and cutting and only interested in his own plans.

Hour by hour. Day by day. It's the only way. Grieve for the life you thought you had planned. Remember when you're sobbing and hurting and loving him, you're hurting yourself, not him. He's not hurting because you are. He doesn't give a damn. He just wants to enjoy his new 'toy'. It's like buying a new bike/ kettle / garden spade [insert anything] when the existing one still works fine but you want to try the new one. Not sure if that comes across properly but hope you can understand what I'm trying to say

I'm sorry to hear this op. You have been given some great advice from everyone on here and I'm not sure I have much more to add but I was in your situation this time last year.
It's a horrible place to be in and everything you are feeling now is normal and ok. You need to have these feelings to be able to move through your grief.

My ex husband is still with the OW, who is 13 years his junior, child-free, etc (all the cliches) but he certainly doesn't seem like a happy person to me. I have had a year to grieve, to feel, to heal while he has jumped straight into a new relationship and not allowed himself time to do any of that. Regardless of why a marriage ends, there needs to be some self-reflection and a healing process so I think at some point it will come back to bite them...possible at the expense of the 'new' relationship.
I am in a much better place than I was this time last year and have found strength I never thought I had. Wanting to protect my children has been a lifesaver for me. Your life may not be what you had planned going forward but it can still be a good and happy one x

I promise, time will heal your heart. A year on you will be in a totally different place.

Do not give him the privilege of going out together as a family while he gets to go home to the OW. You need to let out your anger now and protect yourself and your assets.

You need to think about finances. See a solicitor.

You will be ok.

Make good use of the "do not disturb" settings on your phone to make sure that he can't text you after, say 8 p.m. when you might be feeling a bit tired and more easily upset - or simply block his texts and let him phone you if there is something important he needs to say.

I was feeling a bit better last night after a good moan to my mother in law. Then the baby was up twice in the night and wouldn't settle and decided to wake up at 5 for the day. I am so tired.

I'm now left thinking how it's so unfair I have to do all this myself now. He doesn't have the responsibility of getting them up every morning, going through to settle the baby through the night. It's not fair. I'm angry at him for abandoning us and thinking that he is helping because I've asked him to take them for an overnight stay every two weeeks.

how are you doing today? Your last post is very much something I coyuld have written and frankly still could, even several years on. Its NOT fair, you didn't have kids to be a single parent so don't let him just swan off. Make it clear that you are going away / out and he has to come and parent HIS children. If he objects ask him to explain to you exactly why he thinks it ISN'T his job 50% of the time. There is no answer to that. It may not work, at the end of the day you can't physically force him to be present but don't make it easy for him. Get angry - its much more productive than being sad.

It’s great that your mother in law is supportive.
Agree it is incredibly unfair to be left in this situation

OP I'm so sorry to read that you are going through this.
The selfishness of some people astounds me.
If men people would just stop and think before they embark on an affair:
How will this impact on my children's lives? Is it really worth it ?