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Original poster

Will a narcissistic man ever change for a female he truly desires?

97 replies

Loka123 · 30/12/2018 17:08

I'm sure this question has been done to death on here and all over the internet tbh but just wanted to ask those who have been married or in relationships with a narc male in the past... did you find out he changed at some point once you had broken up and eventually found someone who he, for once, loved more than he loved himself?

I'm referring to textbooks narcs - those who lie, have been unfaithful before, controlling, hypocritical, very very charming to begin with, can become very moody very quickly, devalue and are only happen with the chase, not the catch, not committing to any place, job or person for any longer than a year, getting easily excited by newness (whether it be a job, person or place) but getting as bored and irritated by it just as quickly, blocking all his exes yet reappearing in their lives repeatedly even after insanely long periods of no contact have passed, etc.

Thanks

OP posts:
Youcancallmeval · 30/12/2018 17:13

My xh appears to have made it into an art form since we split. Took 20 years to reveal himself and now does not seem able to rein it in for very long.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 30/12/2018 17:23

It's highly, highly unlikely that a narc will ever change, and vanishingly unlikely that they will be ever find someone they "love more than they love themselves". That's just...not in a narc's toolkit. That's like asking if a "normal" (ie non narc) person will ever find a pair of shoes they would give up their life for, or put the needs of their pot plants above their own. The short answer is no.

You might find some which are very attached to the idea of themselves as "family men" or "a great husband and father" who will outwardly treat their wives very well. That isn't actually love (because it's not about caring for the other person's thoughts and feelings) - it's more akin to someone who washes their car every week. It's looking after a possession.

Onwardsandupdwards · 30/12/2018 17:28

One word - no.

ohsure · 30/12/2018 17:32

IME, no. I stayed far too long with ex holding on to who he showed me at the beginning and I wish I’d had the guts to walk out earlier. I tell myself it wasnt entirely a waste as DH is the complete opposite, so at least he taught me what to avoid!

WTFIsAGleepglorp · 30/12/2018 17:32

Nope.

The vast majority of narcs think it's us not them with the issue.

That innate sense of entitlement will never go away.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 30/12/2018 17:33

I think there's also a very popular trope about "the love of a good woman" being the thing which redeems the wild, villainous man - books and films are littered with the plucky, loving heroine saving the antihero from his amoral ways.

It's bad for all sorts of reasons - placing the emotional and moral burden on the woman, implying that if the man won't change "for you" then you must not have loved him sufficiently, etc. But mostly it's bad because it's just not true.

BubonicBudgie · 30/12/2018 17:33

No

moredoll · 30/12/2018 17:36

No

ohsure · 30/12/2018 17:37

So true, finewords, it’s a toxic mindset and so bad for mental health. Starts with boys being mean in the playground and being told it’s because they like you. Just no.

Travisandthemonkey · 30/12/2018 17:48

They might find someone who puts up with it. But that’s about it

SoleBizzz · 30/12/2018 17:49

NO!

Original poster
Loka123 · 30/12/2018 17:56

Yes I totally agree @FineWordsForAPorcupine that kind of false reasoning gets banded about everywhere and a lot of even middle aged people still believe it.

Thank you all for your detailed replies so far :)

OP posts:
WhoAmIToDissABrie · 30/12/2018 18:00

Well no, because nothing was his fault. Poor thing. 🙄

Cherries101 · 30/12/2018 18:01

Possibly if they marry an even worse narc, they might become more subdued but I don’t think they truly change.

Thingsdogetbetter · 30/12/2018 18:12

No. But they may find someone who fits their narrative batter. That's not love, but a superficial simile.

Frizzbeol · 30/12/2018 18:14

My ex is in a new relationship and I am wondering exactly the same thing. Does the love of a good woman tame that side of them, or does the innate entitlement override all else. I am going to wait and see....

Travisandthemonkey · 30/12/2018 18:31

My ex is a full on narc
He’s just found someone who earns lots and ignores his cheating
I feel sorry for her, but I guess she gets a nice life out of it.

Reflexella · 30/12/2018 18:33

Nope.

Only self love exists. Any other appearance of affection is to suit their means to an end

lifebegins50 · 30/12/2018 18:48

The phase before discard can last a long time, which from the outside can look like a loving relationship but within the relationship the partner will be devalued.
The theory to a personality disorder is that the person does not have the cognitive function to love in the way non disordered people expect. It's a case of can't.

No one from the outside could see the contempt Ex showed towards me, he was extremely careful to have a front with family, friends and even the children. It was this ability to be 2 different people that made me realise he was pathological.

He did go for counselling for a year as he knew something wasn't right and it was affecting his career. He told the counsellor a scenario where he had been awful to me, he presented it in the best light but it was so abundantly clear he was wrong that he felt forced to apologise. The apology was the first I had ever heard but was not heartfelt as he couldn't relate to my hurt. Rather than this help him he felt more controlled and victimised so in fact his nasty behaviour escalated.
Without me being there now he has had to reveal his true self to the dc. He keeps a lid on it, mostly, but as others have said he primary concern is always for himself.

Ex hid his true self until we were married. His goal was finances and I now see he had targetted me for sometime. Everyone thought he adored me..he did as I was in the idealise phase...little did I know about phase2!

Insomnibrat · 30/12/2018 18:48

Oh absolutely not. They're narcs to the core, dyed in the wool.

They might find a 'victim' who will enable and allow their ways. This victim is useful, in a role, to a point....

I genuinely pity the person who ends up in that role. Narcissists are AWFUL

ceecee32 · 30/12/2018 18:55

Following with interest. In counselling after a short lived relationship with someone who my therapist says is a typical narc.
It was all my fault that it didn't work out, he was very critical but loves to be the big generous man who runs local charities.
Very quickly into a second relationship but everytime I try to pull away he contacts me again. Worried about me, making sure I am alright and wanting to be friends.
I am living and hoping that she sees him for what he really is (and very quickly)

Travisandthemonkey · 30/12/2018 19:25

Narcs can easily be married to the same person their whole life

As long as that person isn’t self aware

Happy to put up with cheating

Has a level of lifestyle they don’t want to lose

Probably has children they don’t want to damage with a divorce (because of lack of being able to see how damaging it is for the kids)

Probably has to drink or take ad’s to cope,

isn’t (yet) or ever going to be emotionally connected to themselves to realise what’s going on.

Then a narc will stay with you.

Travisandthemonkey · 30/12/2018 19:25

Or is another narc!

Lolorolomolo · 30/12/2018 20:52

Can anyone recommend any good books or links on narcs

YellowSkyBlue · 30/12/2018 21:01

No