Will a narcissistic man ever change for a female he truly desires?

[Loka123]

I'm sure this question has been done to death on here and all over the internet tbh but just wanted to ask those who have been married or in relationships with a narc male in the past... did you find out he changed at some point once you had broken up and eventually found someone who he, for once, loved more than he loved himself?

I'm referring to textbooks narcs - those who lie, have been unfaithful before, controlling, hypocritical, very very charming to begin with, can become very moody very quickly, devalue and are only happen with the chase, not the catch, not committing to any place, job or person for any longer than a year, getting easily excited by newness (whether it be a job, person or place) but getting as bored and irritated by it just as quickly, blocking all his exes yet reappearing in their lives repeatedly even after insanely long periods of no contact have passed, etc.

Thanks

No, they can't. They don't have it in them. The only way their relationships last is if they are pandered to and never challenged.

The cost to society is so high in terms of damaged families so I am surprised that there isn't more research into "cures" for personality disorders. I wonder if neuroscience will bring answers in the future. NPD is supposedly increasing across the world so awareness is the best line of defence so far.

In EX's case his mother is also very disordered - angry, violent and extremely self centred. She is the only one in her family like her so seems to point to genetics rather than nurture.

Re links..YouTube has lots of information but you need to sieve through the content as some are less reputable.

If their new relationship is with a subservient woman who puts up with his cheating and behaviour etc, wont a narc get bored with that and leave?

Or are they happy to live a double life forever?

Yes, absolutely.

If he forms a relationship with a fellow narcissist.

Or if he becomes involved with someone who is willing and able to totally subjugate their needs for him.

HTH.

"NPD is supposedly increasing across the world so awareness is the best line of defence so far."

I doubt if the actual incidence is increasing, but just the rate of diagnosis. I think the same is true of many other types of vaguely defined emotional/neurological conditions which have supposedly increased in incidence over the past few decades.

I wonder this too - my ex moved on at the speed of light while we were still living in the house.

I could hear him being very nice to her on the phone, and did wonder if he really loved this person and would treat her better. Or if they were better suited.

Ex and I were together for 21 years - 22 if you count the hellish year that we had to live in the same house while getting divorced.

I don’t know if he is still with this person - I thought she would have materialised by now, but she hasn’t.

I do wonder if she is “the one” that he gets on with better.

@cavycavy
Depends on what that woman has to offer
Children/family life
Upstanding persona in the community
Money
Status

She won’t matter that much as long as he’s getting some kind of fuel elsewhere

Nope

Absolutely not🤣🤣🤣

Will they all, ultimately, end up lonely miserable old men.

Or will they somehow always be ok? (Their version of narcissistic ‘ok’ I mean) Even when they have clearly wrecked every relationship they have ever been in, lost all their friends etc. Will their undying belief they are superior stop them from seeing how lonely and miserable they have become.

Basically, is there any way they will ever look back with remorse?

No they’ll never look back with remorse

"Will they all, ultimately, end up lonely miserable old men."

As this thread shows, they tend to be very sociable and also charming, at least in the short term, so its unlikely they'll ever end up lonely and alone. And narcissists tend to be happier than average because they reflect less on their problems and put all the blame on other people.

If they change, they were never a true narc to begin with.

Narcs can have long marriages. Lots do, My dad does. But they need to be married to an enabler. if you wnat to dedicate your life to propping up the ego of a self-pitying, world-hating, philandering tosser, and neglect your DC and yourself as he needs all your attention, all the time, then you can have a LTR with a narc.

Lucky you.

No, they merely find a partner who will play their games with them or tolerate their toxicity.

No

Thanks so much for all the replies so far everyone.

Does anyone really believe the reasoning that the development of narcissism is given by psychology i.e. they've apparently suffered from abuse as a child, not gotten enough attention, etc. - can those truly be the only reasons? I think in the case of mine, he's unlikely to have had that. I can't say for certain but from what he had mentioned, he seems to have an average relationship with both his parents whom are married and generally OK (from outside perspective only of course) so could it just be the way that some people turn out? just like some people are born with disabilities etc. through no fault of either parent?

Or perhaps some sort of relationship with cocaine use? perhaps causal e.g. cocaine use leading to susceptibility to narcissism or maybe just pre-existing narcissism increasing the temptation/desire of cocaine? As cannabis etc. does have a contributory link to depression...

Op, that's interesting. I've been around a lot of habitual cocaine users over time and noticed that ever single one of them turned into deeply unpleasant narcissists. On reflection, they all had that aspect in them to begin with - all were attention seeking people who expected the world to revolve aroudn them, but the development of cocaine habits destroyed the little empathy they had for others.

Narc personalities can be caused by that sort of childhood, but also childhoods of excessive indulgence and adulation. Just as damaging.

They can't. Their brain is physically incapable of it.

This is fascinating - I left the man I was engaged to on Xmas eve, I have strongly suspected he was a narcissist but he's so very charming I just kept going back. Despite the emotional abuse he's put me through in the last couple of years I hoped he'd change but it all got too much.
I recognize him in so many descriptions here.

OP you may want to look into Aspergers too as sometimes the traits sound very similar.

"OP you may want to look into Aspergers too as sometimes the traits sound very similar."

Both NPD and ASD are vaguely defined, but they tend to be at the opposite end of the spectrum in many regards. This bloke is very charming with a high degree of social intelligence, something you typically don't see in people with ASD.

I think the best partner for a narc would be another narc - that is a relationship I think could genuinely work quite well.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say possibly. The term 'Narc' is used freely to describe behaviours in (mainly) ex partners. Very, very few of these individuals have an 'official' diagnosis- it's an armchair diagnosis based on the experience you (the individual commenting in general) have and have looked up. Whilst I'm not defending the other person- and have also been involved with someone who did display narcissist tendencies (and still does) in my opinion, there is no diagnosis, so tendencies, potentially, can be curbed if they are aware of them- or those to be aware of them. So I'd say possibly yes, in someone without an diagnosis, and with tendencies, then they may be able to quash the behaviour and have a 'healthy' relationship with someone else. Maybe.

No.