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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

am i being unreasonable - husband turns off baby monitor and things found on his phone

80 replies

bluebell1982 · 29/12/2018 16:54

Am I being unreasonable?

I have a constant knot of anxiety in my stomach. Yesterday I looked at my husband's phone (I know it's not right but I was so curious because things have been up and down between us). His facebook showed he had searched and looked at a woman's profile, his browser history shows porn and he follows random attractive women on instagram. He also receives sexually explicit/pornographic images/videos from the 'lads' via text message. I'm not overly concerned about any of them individually as I know some of this is just laddish behaviour but putting it all together - and the fact that I know these things aren't one offs, makes me feel sick. We have a 6 month old baby together. On top of that, I've had this ongoing issue with his recently where if he's in the room with our child alone he makes a point of turning off the baby monitor (it's not set up to watch him! It might just happen to be set up in the room he is in that's all). WHy make a point of turning it off? I have explained to him that it makes me feel uncomfortable as I can't understand a good reason why it will be in the forefront of his mind, he said there's something just a bit weird about a camera watching you. We had a big row about it and since then he has done it a number of other times. His response is he can do what he pleases. I have also brought up what I saw on his phone yesterday and all he's had to say about it is to try and turn it around making it all about him not believing that i've looked at his phone behind his back! never mind the stuff I found. All day he hasn't even acknowledged it. I feel like a piece of crap.

OP posts:

Ashleymae · 29/12/2018 17:01

Oh dear
its hardto say what, if anything, is going on but he doesn't sound like a good partner or family member. Have you ever suspected he would hurt your LO?

willyloman · 29/12/2018 17:06

receiving explicit images etc from the lads? Gruesome. Not normal. not respectful of women. Did you not notice this about him before? Not surprised you feel awful. Hope you find a way through this that does not involve continuing to ignore his horrible behavior.Strength to you.

Original poster

bluebell1982 · 29/12/2018 17:16

Thank you for your replies, No I've never once had reason to feel or think he would harm our child at all, my gut instinct strongly says he wouldn't and i've seen no hint of any behaviour whilst i'm around that has rang alarm bells. But I just can't shake it off as to me going out of your way to turn off the monitor camera is nothing short of odd at the least. Why would you even be that conscious of it?!

Reg the images of women, I knew there was a lads group where things were shared as a bit of a laugh amongst the boys, and yes i do find it disrespectful towards women, but i brushed it off as lads being lads. Maybe stupidly in hindsight cos now, as a mother to a boy, i expect better and it's making me feel worthless.

In all other respects he's a great dad and partner, provides, works hard, communicates, romantic etc.

OP posts:

proudmummywife · 29/12/2018 17:25

He sounds like a sex crazed teenager. I wouldn't like it if my husband was serving over naked women or porn.
The camera if you trust him I can't see why it annoys you. I don't think I'd like someone watching me from a different room. He probably picks his nose and wants privacy 🤔

Closetbeanmuncher · 29/12/2018 17:29

*cringes at 'the lads'

You may as well have a baboon living with you.....Would probably be more helpful.

The term 'missing link' springs to mind....

Are you happy in this relationship?

mindutopia · 29/12/2018 17:34

The stuff with his phone I don’t think is a big deal. Lots of people watch porn, unless you had an agreement in your marriage that you wouldn’t, then you can only get too upset about it. I look at random men’s profiles all the time (they are friends partners or some guy a school friend from 20 years ago knows who’s always posting racist shit and I want to judge him or an applicant at work I’m snooping on). It’s just me being judgmental and nosey. The porn and stuff from the lads is gross and inappropriate, but not everyone knows how to handle a situation like that (or else there wouldn’t be so many threads on here about hen do WhatsApp group drama or someone’s inappropriate best friend or whatever).

But the baby monitor thing is weird. I often turn ours off when my dh is in there because frankly I don’t want to hear his inane chatter to ds, but it seems strange to do it the other way around. Surely he can’t be doing anything that would matter being seen or not and it’s a hassle remembering to turn it back on every time surely? It’s odd, but I’m not sure why really.

Original poster

bluebell1982 · 29/12/2018 18:26

I'm so 50/50 about it all. Do you know what, I might have a hope of applying some perspective or at least understanding IF he was to actually acknowledge me and my feelings regarding it all, but i've got zero from him all day except him acting as 'normal'. It's so insulting and disrespectful and it's prob this that is the most upsetting thing tbh. II'm considering leaving as this isn't the first time I've had to beg to be understood/heard/considered

OP posts:

Wingedharpy · 29/12/2018 18:39

Could he be masturbating OP, and doesn't want you to see?
Not suggesting It's anything to do with your DS, more likely something he's looking at on his phone.

Closetbeanmuncher · 29/12/2018 18:58

There won't be any resolution of conflicts full stop if he's not prepared to at least acknowledge your point of view, even if he doesn't agree.

He thinks he doesn't need to explain himself to you because you're the 'little woman' and he will do what he likes which includes turning off a piece of equipment that lets you monitor your babies welfare.

What an arsehole.

MMmomDD · 29/12/2018 19:26

“I'm not overly concerned about any of them individually”

OP - I think you are transferring your feelings/concerns about other things that are going on - as you mentioned things were “up and down”....

If this is your first baby - the first year is often very stressful and relationships go through a major adjustment. So - certain amount of up/down is normal.

usefulChianti · 30/12/2018 05:26

If you can't reconcile his turning the camera off, then why not get another one and set it up without telling him? After you observe and get the info you need for peace of mind or what else, maybe this will help you.

He may want the camera off as he is in the room and feels the baby is safe. Does he turn the camera back on when he is about to leave the baby's room?

Is it just a camera or is there sound too? Could there be conversations he doesn't want you to hear?

You said this and it stuck out, " II'm considering leaving as this isn't the first time I've had to beg to be understood/heard/considered."

ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley · 30/12/2018 05:38

Useful is right. In your shoes I would set up a second secret device. Because you are considering leaving him you would be expected to hand the DC over to his sole 'care' at some point and in the unlikely event he is actually sexually abusing him you need to know.
Second device. Find out the truth (good or bad) and leave. He has no interest or regard for your point of view over anything and won't even begin to listen.

Mary1935 · 30/12/2018 05:39

I think he’s switching the monitor off as he knows it winds you up.
Could you remove it and put it in the room hidden somehow - (just as a one off) - do you go in randomly to check what’s going on ie - taking clothes in or having a cuddle with daddy and your child.
He doesn’t sound great and he appears to have little respect for you.
I would keep your eyes and ears open with him.

pollypocket85 · 30/12/2018 05:50

I don't think he's turning the camera off because of the baby (Someone mentioned about harming the baby). I think he doesn't want to get caught watching something on his phone and any personal activity that may follow. He obviously enjoys watching porn etc... - Forgive me for asking, but have things dwindled in that department since the baby?
Group chats are a bit laddy - doesn't make him a baboon! People are very quick to the bash the guy rather than give some advice.

EYDavis · 30/12/2018 06:12

So the OP secretly reads her OH's text messages and he's out of order for not wanting to be watched on camera. Other posters then suggest the OP sets up a secret camera (!!) to spy on her OH. Incredible.

nanny3 · 30/12/2018 06:21

i second putting a second camera

blackcat86 · 30/12/2018 06:31

I don't personally have an issue with the porn or lad behaviour unless it's something you've both discussed rules for within your marriage.

Turning the monitor off is weird and I would be setting up a nanny cam particularly if you're considering ending your marriage over it. However, first I would let him scuttle off to DS whilst I make myself look really busy (engrossed in my phone, about to have a shower etc), leave it a few mins and then walk into the room and see what he's doing.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/12/2018 06:37

I also think you should get a nanny cam. It sounds as if youre getting very upset by his behaviour. It could be something innocuous and at least you will know.

EYDavis · 30/12/2018 06:42

@nanny3 @blackcat86 @Mummyoflittledragon - do you think it's generally acceptable for people to spy on their spouses with secret cameras? What about secret trackers? Can men do this to their wives as well?

blackcat86 · 30/12/2018 06:55

I absolutely feel it's acceptable in the right circumstances and prior to breaking up a marriage. Turning off the monitor is very weird - it may be nothing but it may be something and I'd rather know for sure. We have great fun with the monitors in our house as we can hear the Gps chatting away and use the talk function to make people jump.

I haven't needed to secretly spy on DH because we have very boring lives with a young baby so we tend to know where the other is. We also use a family tracker app because we've all agreed that safety trumps privacy. Equally neither of us have ever turned a monitor off and I'll happily pop into the nursery if DD is sounding distressed when DH is sorting her out. It usually because he's trying to put her clothes on back to front.

QueenieIsLost · 30/12/2018 06:59

Could he be masturbating OP, and doesn't want you to see?

With the baby in the room?? I’d rather not think about that one.

I agree that it’s more likely that instead of ‘looking after the baby’ he is doing things he knows you wouldn’t approve of (eg porn, some messages or basically ignoring your child)

And YY about the fact the biggest issue of all is the fact he is not acknowledging you in any shape or form. It actually sounds like there is a pattern going in there where he does what he wants, you tell him it’s not on and ignores you until you are giving up bringing the subject/wanting to see a change.
That’s, at the very least, a controlling behaviour.

Gina2012 · 30/12/2018 07:01

We had a big row about it and since then he has done it a number of other times. His response is he can do what he pleases.

It's true, he can.

He gets away with it because he's a bully and a controlling bastard and you allow him to be this way

It's up to you what you do about it.

If you think you can put up with it as he's 'so good' in other ways, then that's fine

I couldn't live with a controlling bully. But then, I don't have to

BoomBoomsCousin · 30/12/2018 07:07

I don't think the camera in the baby's room is worth arguing over. A dislike of being watched by cameras isn't particularly odd. A little bit on the paranoid/superstitious side of things, but generally significantly less so than being concerned that the camera is off when someone is in the room with the baby. Afterall the point of the camera is to watch the baby, which is happening if he's in there. It is possible that he's doing something in the room that he shouldn't be or that you would not like if you saw it, but I wouldn't think that was more likely than it just being his dislike of feeling watched. Except that you have reason to be concerned about what he might be getting up to because of the phone issues - which I think are reasonable concerns. However, they aren't really anything to do with the baby's safety so pursuing that line seems pointless. It's not particularly reasonable of you to require him to keep the camera on, you can only justify it if you have already "won" the issue with what he's doing on his phone. Concentrate on that.

On the phone issue - you've confronted. He's not engaging or prepared to give ground so you have to decide what you want. You have no reason not to believe what you saw and draw conclusions. If you assume he is engaging in the sort of behaviour you suspect he is - what do you want to do about that? If he isn't prepared to discuss it with you the ball is totally in your court. You need to decide whether you can live with a man who does that and isn't prepared to change or even discuss it - is it that big a deal to you? Or whether you need to up the ante and prepare to separate (which, if he isn't going to talk to you about it is one of your few alternatives).

EYDavis · 30/12/2018 07:07

"Turning off the monitor is very weird"

No it's not. Lots of people don't like to be watched when they're at home. It's weird of the OP to want to watch her DH.

Okay so a couple set up a security system in their house, which includes internal CCTV cameras that they can monitor remotely through their iPhones. The wife switches the system off when she is at home during the day because she doesn't "want to be watched" in her own home. The husband is suspicious. Perhaps she's having an affair? Hurting the children?

Would you say he is justified in setting up secret cameras at home to watch his wife? I don't immediately see why this situation would be any different but think that most people here would be (rightly) critical about such behaviour.

And now there are other posters saying that the DH is controlling because he doesn't want his wife spying on him!

EYDavis · 30/12/2018 07:09

(Sorry - my last comment 07:07:50 was a reply to @blackcat86).

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