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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

am i being unreasonable - husband turns off baby monitor and things found on his phone

80 replies

bluebell1982 · 29/12/2018 16:54

Am I being unreasonable?

I have a constant knot of anxiety in my stomach. Yesterday I looked at my husband's phone (I know it's not right but I was so curious because things have been up and down between us). His facebook showed he had searched and looked at a woman's profile, his browser history shows porn and he follows random attractive women on instagram. He also receives sexually explicit/pornographic images/videos from the 'lads' via text message. I'm not overly concerned about any of them individually as I know some of this is just laddish behaviour but putting it all together - and the fact that I know these things aren't one offs, makes me feel sick. We have a 6 month old baby together. On top of that, I've had this ongoing issue with his recently where if he's in the room with our child alone he makes a point of turning off the baby monitor (it's not set up to watch him! It might just happen to be set up in the room he is in that's all). WHy make a point of turning it off? I have explained to him that it makes me feel uncomfortable as I can't understand a good reason why it will be in the forefront of his mind, he said there's something just a bit weird about a camera watching you. We had a big row about it and since then he has done it a number of other times. His response is he can do what he pleases. I have also brought up what I saw on his phone yesterday and all he's had to say about it is to try and turn it around making it all about him not believing that i've looked at his phone behind his back! never mind the stuff I found. All day he hasn't even acknowledged it. I feel like a piece of crap.

OP posts:

Nannewnannew · 30/12/2018 08:17

I have to agree with EYDavis I’m afraid. I think it’s weird that you’re concerned about him switching off the baby monitor and would hate to have people scrutinising me every second of every day. I never ever had a baby monitor and definitely wouldn’t have considered using one as a husband monitor! I think you’re making a drama out of nothing tbh.

Truckingonandon · 30/12/2018 08:24

Of course it's ok - it's just as obvious as the nose on my face.

EYDavis · 30/12/2018 08:28

@Truckingonandon -

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/12/2018 08:29

EYDavis
Op isn’t under suspicion. Nor is her dh planning on leaving because she is acting suspiciously as far as I’m aware. Of course it would be ur. Chalk and cheese.

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 30/12/2018 08:31

@Truckingonandon - I am is that okay?

No! Of course not. If you are a man you really need to announce yourself on MN so certain women can adjust their responses to your opinions accordingly.

For what it's worth I am not a man but I (and many others) notice the same bias towards believing women's versions of events without questioning their motives and disbelieving/picking apart similar posts from men, where there is an assumption that they are somehow at fault and not being entirely honest with us. It has always been thus on here.

bifflediffle · 30/12/2018 08:32

He’s wanking. That’s why he’s turned the monitor off.

luckiestgirl · 30/12/2018 08:35

When I discovered my ex cheating, I found pictures he’d taken of himself to send to women- just face shots- but I can see the sleeping baby in his arms. Also he’d spend ages putting the baby to sleep. Now I know it’s becsuse he’d use that time to message other women.

I’m not saying that’s what your DP is doing though, I’m just telling you my experience.

tinesltitties · 30/12/2018 08:36

I always turned our monitor off when I went into the baby's room. I wasn't abusing my child, texting men or masturbating

Mumsnet is like a little world away from reality sometimes. Set up a second camera? If that's the stage your relationship is at, just fucking end it. There is nothing left by that point.

Truckingonandon · 30/12/2018 08:37

Fatter Twin - it's got nothing to do with that and everything to do with coming on here to explain to all the womenfolk how silly they are and how wrong they are and how the big man has to step in to put us all right.

Jaxtellerswife · 30/12/2018 08:42

Except that EY is talking pure sense.
I move our camera monitor when I'm in the room and turn the sound down. Not because I'm being suspicious but maybe...holding in. Loud fart or might absent mindedly scratch myself or just forget that someone can see me.
The phone stuff just needs a conversation between the two adults involved (crazy idea, I know) and the camera thing is understandable.

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 30/12/2018 08:42

On a more serious note, I think that men and women's anxiety, jealousy, lack of self esteem and paranoia in relationships do tend to manifest themselves in slightly different ways.

Without wanting to generalise too much, women have a tendency to become incredibly needy, panicky, nagging and tearful when they feel a need to control things and this can tip over into ridiculous anxiety. Whereas with men, too often, their need to control the movements and behaviour of their partner (which can come from a very similar place of emotional insecurity sometimes, rather than plain old cultural misogyny) frequently tips over into instilling fear as a means of control, violence, threat of violence and becomes something altogether more sinister.

But we shouldn't ever assume anything based on what someone has between their legs.

ChristmasFan2018 · 30/12/2018 08:43

I would get a secret camera as I think he is contacting other women

EYDavis · 30/12/2018 08:47

@Truckingonandon - are you serious? I have expressed an opinion, which broadly agrees with half of the posts here and disagrees with the other half. Some of the responses to the OP have been pretty extreme - I don't see this as anything to do with sex as the same kind of comments appear in tabloid newspaper comments sections, Twitter, etc. I didn't really understand what @KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin meant by some people adjusting "their responses to your opinions accordingly" but I suppose it just became obvious.

QueenieIsLost · 30/12/2018 08:49

I always turned our monitor off when I went into the baby's room. I wasn't abusing my child, texting men or masturbating

You see, for me, that’s very strange.
I wouldn’t have the video on all the time and switch it off when I’m in.
I would have it off and switch it on when the baby is alone there.
(Or just let it in all the time lol)

I think there is a different type of thought when you switch a camera off just for yourself (and I suspect it won’t be all the time because it wouldn’t be practical - eg you rush to change a nappy etc...) so it will be a very deliberate and thought out action. Compare to switching it in for a very specific purpose (baby on its own).

Orlande · 30/12/2018 08:49

There's no way I'd have a camera monitor anyway, so I don't find turning it off weird.

Is it only in the baby's room or in your bedroom/living room? If so I'd have it turned off whenever not in use.

WonkyDonk87 · 30/12/2018 08:51

I'm with tinseltitties - if you can't have a conversation about this with him then what relationship do you actually have?
Turning off the monitor when not using it seems normal to me? But then I also turn off lights in rooms that I'm not in and the radio when I leave the house.

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 30/12/2018 08:55

Do you think a man can ever post on here without having that accusation automatically levelled at him? It really is incredibly and contemptuous and dismissive attitude to take and too often it's taken without very much intelligent thought applied to what the man has actually said.

I've looked at ALL of EY's posts on this thread and copied them to save you the bother of going through them. Having read them again I just cannot agree with you.

So the OP secretly reads her OH's text messages and he's out of order for not wanting to be watched on camera. Other posters then suggest the OP sets up a secret camera (!!) to spy on her OH. Incredible.

@nanny3 @blackcat86 @Mummyoflittledragon - do you think it's generally acceptable for people to spy on their spouses with secret cameras? What about secret trackers? Can men do this to their wives as well?

"Turning off the monitor is very weird"

No it's not. Lots of people don't like to be watched when they're at home. It's weird of the OP to want to watch her DH.

This bit is important. I am not saying the OP's husband is entirely innocent - I suspect he isn't. But if a woman posted to say that her husband was paranoid and mistrustful and constantly checking her phone and that he complained when she turned the baby camera off because he wanted to see what she did while she was in the room, she would be told IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS to pack a bag and flee for her life. Let's not pretend she wouldn't.

'Okay so a couple set up a security system in their house, which includes internal CCTV cameras that they can monitor remotely through their iPhones. The wife switches the system off when she is at home during the day because she doesn't "want to be watched" in her own home. The husband is suspicious. Perhaps she's having an affair? Hurting the children?*

Would you say he is justified in setting up secret cameras at home to watch his wife? I don't immediately see why this situation would be any different but think that most people here would be (rightly) critical about such behaviour.

And now there are other posters saying that the DH is controlling because he doesn't want his wife spying on him!

It's very strange that so many people have decided that he looking at porn, masturbating in the room, or sexually abusing his child because he doesn't want to be watched by the baby cam. Is this really the collective MN view of men?

@Gina2012 - You mean he won't have someone else insist that he must be supervised on camera when settling his child? What consideration has the OP given to his feelings? This all sounds like a minor disagreement over a non-event. Others in this thread have turned it into a huge drama.

@Mummyoflittledragon - would you support the husband's installation of a secret camera in my CCTV example on page 1 (post at 07:07:50)?

I'm just wondering whether MN posters are a highly selected group or large numbers of the people around me are actually unhinged but hide it well in real life...

QueenieIsLost · 30/12/2018 08:57

I’m finding it fascinating too that some many people are so unconfortable about the idea that their DH/DW would be watching their every move through the camera.

I mean, are you really expecting your partner to be stuck on the other side of it watching you all the time? rather than just going in about their life as usual. If you are, why in earth did you get a camera and why do you have it on all the time?

And are you really doing things you wouldn’t be doing if your partner was there (and yes that including scratching some places or farting)?

That sort of device would be forgotten in our house until needed (same for the baby monitor btw) aka baby is asleep on their own.

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 30/12/2018 09:03

It wouldn't bother me, Queenie but then I am not already feeling under scrutiny from a paranoid, jealous partner. I imagine if you were you'd feel rather differently.

I don't think my DH would sit there and watch me, he's got better things to be getting on with. But if you were suspicious about someone making sneaky phone calls or texts, then yes - of course you'd want to watch. And you'd feel even more paranoid if they didn't want to let you.

Believeitornot · 30/12/2018 09:07

Your instinct is telling you something OP....

I would turn off the WiFi when he’s next in with baby.

trojanpony · 30/12/2018 09:12

I think the most important point is this

I have a constant knot of anxiety in my stomach

The anxiousness is telling you loud and clear something isn’t right. I don’t know what exactly as I’m not you.

I can see both sides of the “don’t spy on your husband”/“install a second camera” so not sure what to say but you do need to get to the bottom of it.

I personally would not be okay with your husbands behaviour - the Instagram and porn etc. and I also find it weird he won’t reassure you /offer any assurance.

Can you not pop into the baby’s room when the camera has been off for 5 mins or so and surprise him?

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 30/12/2018 09:16

The anxiousness is telling you loud and clear something isn’t right. I don’t know what exactly as I’m not you.

Not necessarily. If the OP has anxiety about all sorts of things then it might just be that - her anxiety making her over-think everything.

If she is generally well balanced and has developed anxiety over his recent behaviour alone, then that's a different matter.

Biancadelriosback · 30/12/2018 09:28

I can't get behind anyone who spies on their partner. It stops being a partnership at this point.
We don't have a camera baby monitor, we had a sound one. I turned it off every time I went in to say goodnight to DS on my own. I didn't like the idea that what I was saying was carrying through the house.

If you get a second camera and spy on him, what happens if he is completely innocent? Will you tell him what you did? If not, will you just spend the rest of your relationship lying to him? Spying on him? What if he finds out and leaves you? So you've gone through all this, decide you actually can trust him but he doesn't trust you anymore and leaves. Will that make him the arsehole? He hasn't actually done anything wrong at this point, yet he is being crucified, you however have broken his trust and you're the victim.

Shoxfordian · 30/12/2018 09:29

His texts with his friends are juvenile. He obviously doesn't respect women.

I don't think the baby monitor thing is a big issue, why don't you just go in when he's in there and you'll see if he's doing anything he shouldn't

Doesn't sound like a great relationship though when you're not communicating properly

headinhands · 30/12/2018 09:55

Ha! On this thread so far, op's DH is anything from a pedophile to a victim of domestic abuse. You're making me chuckle again MN. 😂

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