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Original poster

am i being unreasonable - husband turns off baby monitor and things found on his phone

80 replies

bluebell1982 · 29/12/2018 16:54

Am I being unreasonable?

I have a constant knot of anxiety in my stomach. Yesterday I looked at my husband's phone (I know it's not right but I was so curious because things have been up and down between us). His facebook showed he had searched and looked at a woman's profile, his browser history shows porn and he follows random attractive women on instagram. He also receives sexually explicit/pornographic images/videos from the 'lads' via text message. I'm not overly concerned about any of them individually as I know some of this is just laddish behaviour but putting it all together - and the fact that I know these things aren't one offs, makes me feel sick. We have a 6 month old baby together. On top of that, I've had this ongoing issue with his recently where if he's in the room with our child alone he makes a point of turning off the baby monitor (it's not set up to watch him! It might just happen to be set up in the room he is in that's all). WHy make a point of turning it off? I have explained to him that it makes me feel uncomfortable as I can't understand a good reason why it will be in the forefront of his mind, he said there's something just a bit weird about a camera watching you. We had a big row about it and since then he has done it a number of other times. His response is he can do what he pleases. I have also brought up what I saw on his phone yesterday and all he's had to say about it is to try and turn it around making it all about him not believing that i've looked at his phone behind his back! never mind the stuff I found. All day he hasn't even acknowledged it. I feel like a piece of crap.

OP posts:

EYDavis · 30/12/2018 07:12

It's very strange that so many people have decided that he looking at porn, masturbating in the room, or sexually abusing his child because he doesn't want to be watched by the baby cam. Is this really the collective MN view of men?

MariaWaria · 30/12/2018 07:14

DH is being an arse and disrespectful to you. It's not BU to want to protect your DC. Maybe something more sinister is going on, maybe not. He doesn't seem like a nice person.

spreadingchestnuttree · 30/12/2018 07:16

I wouldn't like being filmed constantly. Do you leave it on all the time? We only had a sound monitor, not video, but we only turned it on when the baby was asleep in its own room.

Twooter · 30/12/2018 07:16

I would hate to have cameras in me in my own home. I can’t se why you have a problem with him switching them off.
The porn - not great, but his choice.
The texts - again not great, but then again if I look at some stuff women post about men, that would also seem inappropriate if the other way round.
Let him relax in his own home fgs.

spreadingchestnuttree · 30/12/2018 07:17

If dh filmed me with a secret camera I think it would be potentially marriage-ending.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/12/2018 07:29

EYDavis
It’s not something I’d normally advocate, no. Op is looking for answers. She wants to know if he’s carrying some illicit affair along or other and using the babies bedroom as cover. Or that’s how I’m reading it.

It’s quite probably nothing and I would have thought having a camera in the room on a very short term basis for reassurance is far less extreme than ending a marriage especially when a baby is involved.

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 30/12/2018 07:32

Could he be masturbating OP, and doesn't want you to see?

Not in the baby's bedroom, SURELY?

My guess is he's texting someone and or looking at his phone and doesn't want you constantly asking who he's messaging.

Things don't sound great to be honest. Even if he isn't having an affair he's developed a pattern of behaviour he feels the need to be secretive about and he's finding it hard to break.

Gina2012 · 30/12/2018 07:32

But that's not the crux is it?

Whatever he's doing or not doing in the baby's room can be discovered and dealt with one way or another

The point is , he won't take the OPs feelings into account and pushes them aside as if they and she don't matter

This, for me, is the deal breaker

EYDavis · 30/12/2018 07:37

@Gina2012 - You mean he won't have someone else insist that he must be supervised on camera when settling his child? What consideration has the OP given to his feelings? This all sounds like a minor disagreement over a non-event. Others in this thread have turned it into a huge drama.

Nonomore3 · 30/12/2018 07:38

I only have the camera on if the baby is sleeping and then if we go in to try and get the baby back to sleep it stays on. But otherwise I always turn it off. I wouldn’t like it left on.
Hmmm why? It certainly isn’t because I’m worried about anyone seeing me say or do anything that could be criticised. I suppose i just think it’s wasteful to leave it on if it’s not doing it’s job (watching baby when unsupervised), and on a different level I just find it a bit creepy. That may be ridiculous but it isn’t for any untoward reasons. Lots of people don’t like the idea of being watched.

I would

EYDavis · 30/12/2018 07:38

@Mummyoflittledragon - would you support the husband's installation of a secret camera in my CCTV example on page 1 (post at 07:07:50)?

headinhands · 30/12/2018 07:40

Do you have a history of going through his phone? He could feel scrutinised which would make me want to turn off the monitor.

headinhands · 30/12/2018 07:42

So the OP secretly reads her OH's text messages and he's out of order for not wanting to be watched on camera. Other posters then suggest the OP sets up a secret camera (!!) to spy on her OH. Incredible.

Welcome to Mumsnet 😬. It's bonkers isn't it.

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 30/12/2018 07:47

Yes if it was the OP saying her husband spies on her phone, looks at her facebook account to see who she was searching and wants her to leave the camera on while she tends to her baby the automatic assumption would be not that he was 'anxious' insecure and worried, but that he was abusive and dangerous and she should leave!

EYDavis · 30/12/2018 07:49

"Welcome to Mumsnet 😬. It's bonkers isn't it"

@headinhands It certainly seems that way. I'm just wondering whether MN posters are a highly selected group or large numbers of the people around me are actually unhinged but hide it well in real life...

headinhands · 30/12/2018 07:50

Do you have cameras throughout the house? He probably doesn't enjoy being monitored when he's on his own with the baby. If my partner had set up a camera in the nursery and got upset if I turned it off when they knew I was in there I would always be turning it off and would actually be worried about my partners well being.

You're basically telling him you don't trust him and he needs to be supervised with his own child. That's not conducive to a happy marriage is it.

thedancingbear · 30/12/2018 07:52

OP: 'My husband looks at my phone and my messages with my friends. I've also just found out that he has set up a secret camera in our bedroom. Fuck knows what for''

MN: chorus of 'LTBs'

Unbelievable place this.

OlennasWimple · 30/12/2018 07:58

I was thinking it more likely that he turns off the baby monitor because he sends messages to or calls another woman when he's up there

DeepanKrispanEven · 30/12/2018 08:02

I really can't see what's weird about turning off the camera. Plenty of people would feel self-conscious interacting with their baby knowing that it was all being recorded on camera. If anything, it seems a bit weird of OP to keep checking and making an issue of this.

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 30/12/2018 08:02

Well to be fair dancing a secret camera in your own bedroom is not in the same league as a baby monitor in the baby's room.

Context is everything. The OP may be overly suspicious and paranoid and I agree when it's a woman it't tolerated because of 'anxiety' and 'low self esteem' but when it's a man those things are never a consideration, he's automatically a controlling abusive weirdo.

But context is everything. It sounds to me as though she might have reason to be worried.

booboo24 · 30/12/2018 08:02

I would do the same with the monitor, i'd hate feeling like my every move was being watched, even by my husband. Nothing untoward about it at all, but I'd expect some level of privacy in my own home if I wanted it. So what if he's looking at his phone in there, does he not have that right?
Let's face it he could do whether he wanted in the bathroom with the door locked, unless you're suggesting she puts a camera in there too!

The porn been passed around whatsapp- that is as as old as the hills, apart from it used to be dodgy VHS tapes being handed around! Doesn't make him a loser, just a typical 'lad'

I can't see anything worth ending a marriage over here. At least his phone was available for you to snoop on in the first place. Unless I found more I'd let this go, it seems like you're putting things together to condemn him rather than looking at the other possibilities for his actions.

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 30/12/2018 08:03

And did I say context is everything?

DeepanKrispanEven · 30/12/2018 08:03

FFS, if he wants to contact other women, he has the whole house to do it in, to say nothing of the big wide world outside the house. Why would he save it for the baby's room?

Truckingonandon · 30/12/2018 08:06

EYDavies - you're a man aren't you.

EYDavis · 30/12/2018 08:16

@Truckingonandon - I am is that okay?

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