Partner has just said he will have affair because I won't have sex with him...

[SoSad29122019]

We've been together 11.5 years and since the birth of our daughter 6 years ago my sex drive has gone. This has come from me developing an apron after being pregnant and putting on weight. I just can't bare to be in tight fitting clothing or for anyone to see my stomach. I cry most days about the way it looks and know it will only get worse as I lose weight as the skin gets saggier.

I lost 2.5 stone last year and looked so horrendous, I began getting fungal infections under my apron as it hung so low so gained 1.5 stone back so it's not so floppy. But now I feel fat again.

My partner is continuously pressuring me into having sex. Every night he's grabbing my boobs and trying to kiss me and I tell him to get off. We are still having sex, maybe once a fortnight or every 3 weeks but I feel so low about myself I can't face it more often than this. I had a high sex drive before having my daughter and this change has literally come around because I'm so ashamed of my body.

The more he pressurises me the more anxious I become about it and we now haven't had sex for 6 weeks. This morning he told me he was pissed off that we didn't have sex AGAIN and he was going to start having sex with other people if I can't give him what I need. I'm literally so upset I haven't stopped crying all day. I love him dearly and can't expect him to live without sex but at the same time I can't face being naked in front of him and can't stand the thought of him sleeping with someone else!

Please help me, my brain is fried and I literally don't know how to save my relationship 😭

His behaviour is terrible, does he know how badly you feel about your body?
He must love you and fancy you to want to have sex with you, this should be your starter.
Talk to him and tell him how you feel, there's no excuse for his behaviour, but maybe he thinks you don't love him or find him attractive any more.
You need to seek help from your gp, or refer yourself for counselling. In some parts of the country the waiting list is only a few weeks.

If he is threatening to have an affair because you won’t have sex and he’s trying to pressurise you into doing it? He’s an arsehole and should be an ex.

Yeah i'd be handing his ass to him on a plate. Nobody has the right to pressurise you into sex & if having sex on tap is more important to him than your relationship i'd say boot him. He obviously doesn't care that you are struggling with your self confidence either

He doesnt sound like a great person. He's pressuring you, grabbing your boobs when you don't want him to and throwing a strop because you don't feel like having sex. What an arsehole.
He should be worrying about your lack of self esteem and not his selfish 'needs'.

I agree that a counsellor might help. Relate could be a starting point if your GP doesn't help.

He's being horrible to you, really horrible. I'm not sure if there's a future for you two, with him capable of being so vile to you.

Please go and see your GP about how you're feeling. Unfortunately, the NHS will not pay for an operation for this but you could get it done privately. As this situation is ruining your life, is there any way you could get the money together to pay. This is what you and your partner should be discussing.

What s horrible situation for you. Realistically, what do you want to do about your weight for you~ Is surgery and option. I can't imagine what it's like to literally hate the body you are in. As for him, he sounds absolutely horrendous grabbing at you and begging for sex. What do you feel towards him? Do you want to stay with him?

He does NEED sex, no one does.

I really do think once every 2-3 weeks is bad at all, I'd say a bit more than average compared to me/friends so don't let him try and make you feel abnormal.

Tbh, my first thought was that he's having an affair already if he's that quick to suggest it, especially if it's only been 6 weeks. It's a while but not amazingly long imo and certainly doesn't warrant such a statement. He's setting the groundwork down to either explain one already happening or about to I think.

I can see both points of view. And my question to you is what are you going to do to resolve things? What can you both do to resolve things? Clearly you shouldn’t unhappily have sex but most partnerships need intimacy to remain strong. It’s not ok for him to demand sex but he’s clearly feeling frustrated.

Doesn't NEED sex that should say.

We just haven't got the £8k to pay for a tummy tuck. If I knew I could have a surgical solution I would bite the bullet, slim right down and get the skin chopped off. My BMI is currently at 29 and whilst I'd like to be slimmer it means my stomach looks even worse.

He should understand how much it bothers me - I broke down crying 4 weeks ago and it all got blurted out.

My ex husband told me that if l refused to have sex with him it'd be my fault "if he went out and raped someone."
The reason l wasn't having sex with him was because he treated me like a piece of meat, he'd ignore me all day, then expect swinging from the chandeliers at bedtime. When we did have sex (l'd give in to keep the peace) it would go on for hours (due to his retarded ejaculation). Sometimes til 3am, when l had to be up at 5 for work. So l got to the point where l'd refuse. Which ended up in a repetition of him ignoring me, then expecting god knows what at bedtime.
l had no confidence, no sex drive, and l was mentally exhausted, which is exactly how you sound.
Please speak to your GP. Hopefully they'll be able to help. x

hes obviously an arsehole for giving you such a shitty ultimatum, and hes unlikely to have as many women knocking at his door as he thinks, but im really concerned about your self esteem. Loads of women have a tummy after having babies. There is NOTHING to be ashamed of. You had a decent libido before and its now gone because you dont like your tummy? Thats no way to live. It breaks my heart to think of so many women who wont wear certain clothes, wont go swimming, wont be intimate with anyone, because society has told them that their main use is to be ornamental and that theyre a failure if they dont look adolescent and child free.
Can you see how damaging that is.
If you could improve your self esteem, you could both learn to get pleasure back for yourself, and also to tell any man that tries to knock you down, to fuck off. Youre worth so much more

Oh OP that is awful. Your OH sounds controlling and manipulative and frankly uncaring about your needs. Go see your GP about options - you wont get surgery of this nature on the NHS so a discussion about things in general will hopefully help you make decisions. One of which should be ditching your OH I am afraid.....

Have you been honest with your partner about why you don't want sex?

More importantly whatever you reasons for not wanting sex, you shouldn't be emotionally blackmailed...That's abuse.

He is an arse for saying that.

If it's how you look that puts you off sex rather than the sex itself (although his attitude is definitely off putting) have you considered maybe wearing a nice cover up so you don't feel so self conscious?

I can see it from both sides. What are you doing to resolve your issues around intimacy?

My partner has had a low sexdrive for a few years. He will kiss me to say hello but otherwise isn’t intimate. I feel rejected, unloved, unattractive as a result. He has control over our sex life. Its very uncomfortable chatting openly and calmly about things. Even the merest mention of working through the issue makes me feel that I must be an incredibly demanding person. The reality is that my sex drive is pretty average. It has caused a rift in our relationship and is becoming increasingly hurtful. The lack of intimacy suits him and he makes no move to resolve the issue for me.

Well he's really doing everything to make you feel great isn't he?
The more he keeps on the less sexy you feel, he should back off and let you come to him. Sex is not a right, or something you do or have done to you out of duty. It's supposed to be an expression of love.
He obviously doesn't worry about you being overweight or a bit saggy so perhaps you need to work on your self esteem.
I think counselling together or alone may help but he should be under no illusion that coercion is ok, or what you will do if he plays away.

The likelihood is that he’s just cross about the lack of intimacy and this in turn is pushing you away. You both need to talk and be open about the issue. Make a plan about how to resolve the situation.

You dont need to do anything to resolve this op. You aren't the problem. Tell him that him technically sexually assaulting you every night isn't exactly a turn on.

People's sex drive can change after kids and you get a bit older/busier/more stressed/hormones etc. Are you sure it's your body that's making you feel like this? Or is that something you've decided is the cause? I only ask because at the moment it might be something convenient for you to blame if youre scared the truth - that you have simply changed - will cause ww3....

(I don't mean any of that to sound like I think it's your problem, I hope I've already made my view of men thinking they NEED sex and whinge if it's less than fortnightly very clear - no time for that bollocks)

I still think he's setting his stage though. To say hell simply have to stick his cock in someone else after only 6 weeks of no sex is quite a claim.

I'm not talking about the average slight overhang, it's terrible. I can't even post a picture of it anonymously because it's so bad. It's beyond the relms of what anyone would find acceptable to live with. When we have sex I can feel it and I just spend the whole time cringing.

The way he treats you is horrible and a man who threatens to have an affair is a creep of the highest order.
However you really need to be honest with him about your body issues not just as a blurted out confession in the heat of the moment. Tell him how painful this is for you, reassure him you do want sex with him and ask for his help in addressing the issues of your weight and apron and also his attitude to you-the boob grabbing and the vile threats of infidelity.
Maybe you can find ways to improve your libido and confidence. For a start he can concentrate on pleasuring you if he's that desperate for sexual action.
You don't have to get naked to have sex!
Find clothes that preserve your confidence and make you feel positive.
Talk to him about raising money for tummy tucks.

OP poor you this is awful
Given you have been getting infections from the hanging skin, have you raised with your GP the prospect of getting loose skin surgery on the NHS? They will never do it for cosmetic reasons but multiple skin infections might be approved.

Otherwise, start coming up with a plan of how you can either accept the skin (easier said and I was unable to accept mine) or start saving for the surgery.

If you want to have sex but the apron is the problem, is there something you can wear to cover it? It sounds silly maybe, but could you tuck it away in a baby doll nightie or a Basque or something? I have an overhang after a c section too, and I find lingerie helps me feel sexier.