Partner has just said he will have affair because I won't have sex with him...

[SoSad29122019]

We've been together 11.5 years and since the birth of our daughter 6 years ago my sex drive has gone. This has come from me developing an apron after being pregnant and putting on weight. I just can't bare to be in tight fitting clothing or for anyone to see my stomach. I cry most days about the way it looks and know it will only get worse as I lose weight as the skin gets saggier.

I lost 2.5 stone last year and looked so horrendous, I began getting fungal infections under my apron as it hung so low so gained 1.5 stone back so it's not so floppy. But now I feel fat again.

My partner is continuously pressuring me into having sex. Every night he's grabbing my boobs and trying to kiss me and I tell him to get off. We are still having sex, maybe once a fortnight or every 3 weeks but I feel so low about myself I can't face it more often than this. I had a high sex drive before having my daughter and this change has literally come around because I'm so ashamed of my body.

The more he pressurises me the more anxious I become about it and we now haven't had sex for 6 weeks. This morning he told me he was pissed off that we didn't have sex AGAIN and he was going to start having sex with other people if I can't give him what I need. I'm literally so upset I haven't stopped crying all day. I love him dearly and can't expect him to live without sex but at the same time I can't face being naked in front of him and can't stand the thought of him sleeping with someone else!

Please help me, my brain is fried and I literally don't know how to save my relationship 😭

He is a twat for threatening you, but aside from your DP issues, I think the solution is not surgical but very much on the inside and you do need to work on your esteem so it isn't so entwined with your appearance. Clearly your DH is still attracted to you and most women who have had babies will have an 'apron' (horrible word, change that for a start!) but not all of them will hate it and some truly won't give a shit about it, some may even love it as it's part of them. I know this seems a long way off and perhaps even harder to attain than the £8k for surgery, but you need to make a start on embracing your physique as even with all the money in the world, it's all going to go downhill one way or another over the years. You need to feel sexy and worthy of intimacy whether it's with your twatty husband or ideally someone nicer. But just for your well being really.

I wouldn't mind betting it's no where near as bad as you think op. Mines like a giant skin coloured crumpet stuck on to my once flat as a board stomach. I even had abs FFS. I can hide a pen under it now. I wear a slip type thing in bed (which dp seems to like me keeping on but I don't think it's because it hides things, think HE likes the feel of it )

BUT you could do with sussing out what it is - is it truly the overhang? or his attitude to it? Does he even acknowledge how you feel about it or does he rubbish your feelings?

PS: Sex every two or three weeks really isn't that bad btw. He is BU on that alone.

He shouldn't be grabbing you if you make it clear you don't want sex, but no kissing either?

6 years is a very long time to have such mismatched sex drives. It also sounds like you only give in every so often to make him happy? Which is horrible for you and demoralising for him. He has no right to make ultimatums about affairs but equally has every right to leave a relationship where he isn't happy.

I have a lot of body hangups myself and find a loose long shirt or nighty helpful in this regard.

OP - you sound so sad and deflated. I agree with many of the other posters about the change in sex drive following children, sensitivity of body image and your 'DP' being insensitive to say the least.

Not to suggest you are the 'problem' but I suggest you do see your GP about how you are feeling and about your tummy. The way you describe how the overhang seemed worse after loosing 2.5 stones (no mean achievement that - well done you), suggests to me that something else might be going on. I knew someone who had a pronounced overhang - she lost a lot of weight, exercised - the whole shebang - no difference. It turned out she had a hernia which no amount of exercising or dieting was ever going to resolve. She had to be quite forceful with her GP about it - in the end showed him how it looked standing up, as it was less marked lying down.

I can hide a pen under it now.

Only one pen? I'd be ecstatic with that 🙁

"He shouldn't be grabbing you if you make it clear you don't want sex, but no kissing either? "

I'd bet my left tit that if op was ever to just fancy a snog it has to lead to sex for the dh.

Oh you poor thing, that must be so distressing. Have you been totally honest with him and told him exactly why you’re avoiding sex? I haven’t really got any helpful advice apart from agreeing with a pp that you need to speak with your GP about your concerns. If your tummy apron is making you so distressed and affecting your life you MAY find that it can be done on the NHS, but obviously it depends on the Trust. that you come under.
Katseye7 my ex used to treat me exactly the same and like you, I found it so demeaning and physically exhausting, the sex went on for hours and hours and hours creating a vicious circle!

Oh God. The misery in your post is palpable. I hate that you are feeling like this. The idea that your stomach is so disgusting that 'nobody should be expected to live with it' - it sounds like you mean both your partner and yourself.

I don't think anyone should have sex they don't want. But I don't think anyone should have their sex life unilaterally ended. You haven't done that - don't think I'm saying you have. Sadly, forcing yourself through gritted teeth every fortnight, and then finally opening up about how you feel, has made you hit a wall - you sound as if having let all this out has broken open whatever shell was allowing you to keep your sex life going. Ultimately that may be a good thing. However, unfortunately I think he has panicked. He is already reacting about as unhelpfully as it is possible to do, but I have to say I DO have some empathy for his situation.

I agree with going to the GP. Write it down if you have to - print out your original post, it's written very clearly and it contains most of the information you need. Just hand it to the GP or read out the beginning. I think sex or relationship therapy is the answer for you both, not a tummy tuck, but I do think your complete misery needs some support from someone else.

Not to suggest you are the 'problem' but I suggest you do see your GP about how you are feeling and about your tummy.

I've got diastasis recti, have a 8cm gap and my nhs trust will repair them for people who have gained them through accidents but not through pregnancy...

I have a bad overhang due to having huge babies( 10lb +) and it's upsetting and it does make me feel gross but, I am not letting it cripple my life. I can afford surgery either. Go to your GP and speak to them, (fungal infections can be treated with canesten cream applied 2/3 times daily to the affected area). Whilst your DPs behaviour is terrible, he obviously still finds you attractive, you need to tell him that what he said was disgusting and unacceptable. I guarantee that your stomach doesn't look as bad as you think it does, you are focusing so much of your energy on thinking about it and it's making you lose perspective. You do need to take some responsibility for your side of things, go to the GP, explain what's going on.

Six years (not six weeks) is a long time for you to live with this and not want sex. And while I'm not advocating your DH's announcement that he is going to get sex elsewhere six years is also a long time for him to live like this.

I honestly don't know how I would be feeling if my DH had not wanted sex for so many years and we had not tried to address the underlying issue. If I felt that every time we had sex he was giving in or couldn't face it my own self esteem would be affected.

Have you talked about it, because if you haven't then you need to, talk to your partner, talk to your GP, if you have the money for the operation have the skin removed. You may benefit from couples counseling.

Can't *

I've got diastasis recti, have a 8cm gap and my nhs trust will repair them for people who have gained them through accidents but not through pregnancy...

Well, not actual shock. Resigned indignation. Why don't we have that emoji?

www.ramsayhealth.co.uk/cosmetic-surgery/paying-for-your-treatment

I don't know your circumstances, OP but there are options around finance etc.

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Emotions on both side.

You: Shame/Embarrassment
Him: Rejection/Frustration

Facts:

You are a determined person losing 2.5 stone!!

He still fancies you.

I think you've got something to work with here but you need to tell him his threat has seriously f**ked this situation up a whole lot more.

Because you haven't got 8k to blow, I'd try and work on your self esteem. Tbh you sound bloody awesomely determined, so I don't think it'll take you too long to do this?!

Your situation reminds me of a vid I watched so here you go:

Have you spoken to someone other than here about your confidence?
I ask because although he sounds like an ass, it could also be that he's frustrated and doesn't know how to deal with the issue. He clearly still finds you attractive as he wouldn't be trying it on all the time. The rejection will also be impacting him.

Like another poster, I have been on his side and I felt unwanted, unloved and rejected. It wasn't a nice place to be, and I know that sex isn't a right. For me, it started to feel more like a weird lodger type situation having this adult in the house but no intimacy. Not even a cuddle at night.

Have you ever heard of a waspie? It's basically a suspender belt but bigger than the normal ones and they are designed to go over the stomach area. This hides the apron. Until I got rid of my apron I used them a lot.

I know you said you lost weight but the apron was still there, were you exercising as well? Could you afford a couple of sessions with a personal trainer? A good PT will give you some good exercises and also some simple dietary changes. It's not a quick fix, but if you are committed and stick to it, it really does help. I had a couple of sessions in the beginning, was set a program and how to take it up to the next levels. 3 months later had another couple of sessions with a PT who tweaked the program. I continued with it because I could start to feel and see the changes within those few months. Some of the exercises I could do at home so if I didn't have the motivation to do the full cardio, I was still doing something. I gave myself a realistic time frame of a year, doing 3 or 4 sessions a week. During that year I also had some consultations about the surgical option and started a change jar. End of the year surgery wasn't needed so the money went towards a beach holiday and a new wardrobe.

Its not really about it just being 6 weeks....it's knowing you aren't really interested when you do have sex.

If he is faced with constant rejection then finally you agree... it just seems like duty sex.

It's hardly enjoyable having sex in those circumstances.

I'm not saying his response is great...but something needs to be done.

His response is appalling. And the comments of him knowing op is only having 'duty sex' so must feel rejected can easily be flipped - he has no problem still badgering op knowing she doesn't really want it. Isn't there a word for that?

Badgering op *and still having sex with her...

His response is appalling. And the comments of him knowing op is only having 'duty sex' so must feel rejected can easily be flipped - he has no problem still badgering op knowing she doesn't really want it. Isn't there a word for that?

You're right. The correct response would have been to leave when he realised that he was in a sexless marriage if that wasn't what he wanted. Is that what the Op would prefer though? I'm guessing not or she wouldn't be having the duty sex.

It's a pretty fucked up situation all around. No one should have sex they don't want, but no one should be told that that part of their life is over and they have no choice in the matter.

Sorry I've lost a PPs post about snogging leading to sex. They are so right - I really crave affection and I'm too scared to even cuddle my partner as he just sees it as a green light. And when he's cuddled me in bed and not persistently tried to grope me we've had more sex because I haven't felt pressurised. He's already making hints about tonight and it's not even bloody 5pm. And I'm certainly not up for making an effort for his sake tonight after his comments earlier! I'd feel more turned on if he actually just sat next to me and cuddled me watching TV - he's sat on a separate sofa for months!

He's not in a sexless marriage?

So its time for a conversation OP?