Partner has just said he will have affair because I won't have sex with him...

[SoSad29122019]

We've been together 11.5 years and since the birth of our daughter 6 years ago my sex drive has gone. This has come from me developing an apron after being pregnant and putting on weight. I just can't bare to be in tight fitting clothing or for anyone to see my stomach. I cry most days about the way it looks and know it will only get worse as I lose weight as the skin gets saggier.

I lost 2.5 stone last year and looked so horrendous, I began getting fungal infections under my apron as it hung so low so gained 1.5 stone back so it's not so floppy. But now I feel fat again.

My partner is continuously pressuring me into having sex. Every night he's grabbing my boobs and trying to kiss me and I tell him to get off. We are still having sex, maybe once a fortnight or every 3 weeks but I feel so low about myself I can't face it more often than this. I had a high sex drive before having my daughter and this change has literally come around because I'm so ashamed of my body.

The more he pressurises me the more anxious I become about it and we now haven't had sex for 6 weeks. This morning he told me he was pissed off that we didn't have sex AGAIN and he was going to start having sex with other people if I can't give him what I need. I'm literally so upset I haven't stopped crying all day. I love him dearly and can't expect him to live without sex but at the same time I can't face being naked in front of him and can't stand the thought of him sleeping with someone else!

Please help me, my brain is fried and I literally don't know how to save my relationship 😭

So have you talked to him about your apron and your child confidence?Will you make a
gP appointment? Will you recognise that he is struggling too and ask him to concentrate on sharing some nice times together rather then sporadic grabbing

It’s gping quickly into the sexless marriage zone

Couples counselling? Or writing letters to each other? There are a lot of difficult things to say to each other here. I really feel for you, and his approach is ridiculous and counter productive, but I would have had an affair/left a long time ago with so little sex, so I can see both sides.

ADastardlyThing
He's not in a sexless marriage?

I'm not sure if you're trying to goad or not. You've made a point that he shouldn't be having sex with the OP at all if she doesn't want it.

I agreed, but then it would be a sexless marriage. She's only having sex with him now at all to be nice basically or to save her marriage not out of desire.

Personally and I think for many people, sex every 2-3 weeks would be a deal breaker. Especially if it went on for 6 years. It doesn't need to be actually completely sexless.

Hi OP have you spoken to your gp about the stress and anxiety your body issues are causing you?

I misread your post, apologies.

However, op has posted what I would have had I not misread, that if he stopped trying to force op, she'd probably be up for it more.

Really puzzled at 2-3 weeks being a massive problem for some and I'd find it hard not to judge anyone breaking up a family over that.

I feel for you op, I really do, but I can also see your dh's side too. My body changed so so much after all 3 dc, especially the first dc. I think his responses to you are terrible and he's not handling the rejection and frustration well but it must be so hard for him to go from a happy intimate sex life to what you have now. I know your situation would be a deal breaker for my dh and my marriage would be over if it was sex on my terms every few weeks as a duty rather than because I want to. My dh would be devastated if, despite him showing me how attractive he found me, I didn't want sex with him.

I can understand how hard it is when your body feels yuck to you after pregnancy but you need to find a way to improve your confidence and self-esteem. If you can't then you and dh need to have a serious discussion about if this is a deal breaker in your marriage.

He also needs to be told that grabbing you and being so insistent needs to stop. But I think you need to tell him exactly why your sex life has changed and how you feel about yourself. He needs to know it's about how you feel rather than him thinking it's about him.

I hope you find a way to sort this op

And the comments of him knowing op is only having 'duty sex' so must feel rejected can easily be flipped - he has no problem still badgering op knowing she doesn't really want it.

He's obviously had enough of this.

I was talking to a guy who's wife constantly rejects him. Its come down to her telling him not to initiate ever again...and she tells him when she's up for it.

So she'll send him a text every 6 weeks and say it's game on. Not everyone will put up with that.

Do you enjoy sex with him? Do you find him attractive? Does he ensure you are satisfied?

As there's nothing more frustrated than a selfish man in bed.

He's not bothered about your weight. Wear lingerie that you keep on to cover up.

If your partner had said
‘ I love you op, but I can’t go on in a sexless relationship. I’m beginning to think about other people. Can we at least look at visiting a doctor or a therapist? Otherwise, I don’t see this relationship lasting. Oh and by the way, your tummy doesn’t bother me. I think you’re beautiful’...
I’d say that you have to respect that. As I too would be unwilling to be in a relationship where sex was that infrequent.

However, it sound like he’s telling you that he’ll stay with you, but cheat on you under your nose, which I do not respect. Maybe he said that in frustration and didn’t mean it? I certainly hope so, because otherwise, you are with a dick.
Also grabbing at you? Some guys think women like this...some women do like this, so I would say that you’d have to be the judge of this.

If SoSad's libido and desire for her husband is gone completely, yet he still desires her, then its probably time to accept the marriage is over. Yet before getting separated or divorced, perhaps get the tummy tuck and see if it makes a difference? 8k pounds doesn't seem like that much, would it be possible to get the money from somewhere? Its probably cheaper than a divorce.

OP, your husband sounds like an a**e.

In regards to your diastasis recti, please Google Tupler Technique. I got the DVD and a Splint and did/still do the exercises (these are very easy once you get going and can be done anywhere), they really do work. You will notice a difference very quickly. No surgery needed 🙂. Once your tummy improves, your confidence will improve with it (then you can decide what to do with the excuse of a husband)!

If the DH was that bothered about the lack of sex he should have left or cheated by now and since he doesn't appear to have, sex can't be that important. Stick to
your guns and tell him to piss off with the molesting. Call his bluff and divorce him if need be.

You could try having a regular day for sex, every other Wednesday say, and no pressure in between? I wouldn't I'd tell him to fuck off, but you need some way of stopping him pestering you

First up I’ll say that peoples views on what’s considered a good or right amount of sex is ridiculous. To some couples once a month is fine. To others once a day. We are all different and all have different sex drives. There really isn’t a ‘normal’.

To the OP I have nothing bit sympathy. You are in no position to have frequent sex if at all considering how you feel. I suspect that his suggestion about seeing others was born out of frustration and may have been said in anger but I was clearly not there.

You’ve had an interesting selection of responses. But the bottom line is this, none of you are happy and it can’t continue. You only have two options realistically. Do something to save your relationship or accept it’s over. If you wish to save it your going to have sit down with him and have a genuine heart to heart conversation. Get mutual counselling, together or separately. Learn to over come your body issues and for him to better understand how you feel. If one or both of you can’t do this accept your relationship is over and move on.

His attitude is so unattractive, grabbing people is just horrible, how can he think it's sexy, he doesn't. He's just wearing her down, where are the flowers and loving gestures. He's so entitled, she is not a machine. He's treating her like an object. I understand kissing may be arousing, but just a reassuring hug without it being a green light. Jesus, it's so crass. Men are pigs. Why doesn't he masturbate, you could even help, he just wants to stick it in somewhere, where is his pride?

It's obviously a really shit and hurtful thing to say - only you know your OH, do you think he's saying it to hurt you because he's frustrated or because he really means it?

Either way it sounds like he doesn't really understand how you feel and by just grabbing you and pressuring you he's making things worse.

If he wants you to want to have sex with him he needs to play a part in making you feel good about yourself and making you feel beautiful. Try to explain this to him and maybe give him some ideas of what he can do that would make you feel good (not necessarily sexual - taking the time to complement you, taking you out on a date night, physical contact which isn't sexual like holding hands and cuddling...)

Just remember you sacrificed your body for the child you both share and he needs to remember that - it's a huge thing and has such a psychological effect, but it can be hard for men to grasp since they don't really experience it.

My OH hasn't said anything which has made me feel good about my body since my LO was born 18 months ago, I just don't think they realise how much it affects the way you feel about your body and that as a partner it's their job to support you with that.

Why don't you tell him what's more likely to get him sex? You want his attention and affection (hugging, kissing etc) with no obligation to have sex. You need him to show you attention throughout the day, not when you get into bed and he wants a bit.

Tell him this "when he's cuddled me in bed and not persistently tried to grope me we've had more sex because I haven't felt pressurised"

I heard it put one day as "he's stopped courting you" and that's so true. When you started going out, there'd be affection and attention with the "hope" no doubt that it would lead to sex. Now it's with the expectation it will lead to sex.

He obviously stills fancies you op with or without the hang, maybe you need to do some work on yourself and accept who you are and the body that your in.. I know it's easy for me to say as I'm not in that situation, also having sex every 2/3 weeks isn't that bad!

"also having sex every 2/3 weeks isn't that bad!"

Enthusiastic sex every 2/3 weeks is okay, unenthusiastic sex given every 2/3 weeks tends to be unsatisfying. If it is every 2/3 weeks, it could be less frequently, as OP is going by her memory.

The main issue isn't his lack of courting, its her poor self image due to her belly. She should try and get the surgery. Of course he should be doing all the recommended things like changing his approach, more affectionate acts, helping out, etc. but until the main issue is addressed this is going to do little good.

Tummy surgery is a major, major deal with a long recovery time. £8000 is still enough to put down a deposit to buy a house in many areas of the country. Of course it's cheaper than divorce, but it's a fuckload of cash, and if the problem is actually deeper in the relationship, it would be awful to find out it hadn't actually fixed anything.

I would definitely have some relationship or sex therapy first before even looking into it.

Why not let him? You don't want sex and this way you could take the pressure off. I'm just not sure what you want. It's been six years of pity sex and he's desperate.You want this forever?

Op, have you tried different positions and maybe just candlelight so not worried about how you look. I have quite a tummy and a skinny husband. If you are on top and in a nice cami the tummy will not be in the way. Also if he cuddles you from behind you can make love in that position and it won't matter what your tummy does. Also gives him 2 hands free to caress you where you like. Have you just talked to him about why you are less keen.

setting aside his abhorrent behaviour for a moment. Have you looked into the NICE Guidance for this to see if your CCG are following it? If not it may well be worth an appeal to them on the grounds of the profound psychological impact and repeat infections. Maybe your husband could help you look into this and appeal it so you're working together as a team to find a solution that will make you both happier

Whilst he's bring outrageous, I'd be so frustrated if the thing that was stopping you from having sex is how you felt about your body when it clearly doesn't affect him at all.

ADastardlyThing: People have different sexual drives and what works for you (and hopefully your partner) doesn't have to work for others. I would not be staying in a marriage where we rarely had sex and where I felt as if my partner was doing little to remedy the issue. OP should never feel forced into sex, but she should also realise that if she isn't seeking mental health help and speaking to her husband about the root of her issues and working together to find solutions, then her husband is well within his rights to leave the marriage.

OP, I encourage you to seek mental healthcare for your self-esteem. It breaks my heart to hear that you hate your body and your first order of business should be on improving your self-image. I second the idea of seeing a PT and just living a healthier lifestyle through diet and exercise. Being healthy will improve the way you think about your body.

I also wonder OP, if you desire your husband in other ways? If sex is off the table for you but you still have the desire for him could you try pleasuring him through oral sex? This might take the initial pressure off both of you while you work on a long-term solution.