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Original poster

My partner pandering to his ex wife - Help please

80 replies

needingsanity01 · 27/12/2018 11:10

Hello all, apologies for the long thread. I met a guy at work weve been together just over 2 months. He is the loveliest kindest guy without a bad bone in his body. Which is lovely but also frustrating at the same time. He has a boy of 12 with his ex wife. He has him every weekend and one day in the week after school for an hour or two. He basically is dictated by his ex when she wants the child dropped off and never mind if he has any plans of his own he just runs with it. She says jump he says how high. He wont stand up and say anything and seems scared to rock the boat and is happy to run with what she wants. Her happiness and needs come first it seems although he says he is doing it to look after his child who is a very demanding one at that, he says what he wants and gets it without question. Even though she was the one who divorced him and had affairs he just has no animosity with her. When we first got together he rattled on about her to the point I had to just say hey come on I don't want to hear about it. Now he dosnt speak about her and just says he wishes I had the same thing with my ex (unsure what that is supposed to mean) and he wishes I was there when he does the pick up and drop off so that I see what it is like, which would never happen as we don't see each other weekends. He maintains he can hold his head up high by being amicable and accommodating in front of his child even though the mother destroyed him
Christmas he is having his child for the week whilst she goes off on holiday and he is going to ask when she wants him dropped off - so I havnt pushed the possibility of NYE plans with me heaven forbid.
His ex wifes nephew sadly committed suicide three weeks ago which hit my bf hard he said he was very close to the nephew even though he hadn't seen him for over 2 years.. I have been trying to support him through this which is hard as he is a very shy person as it is but seems to have retreated more so since the tragedy. Unsure how to go about dealing with the fact there are three people in this relationship him his ex and me which he insists isn't true and is just us. He says he loves me and me only and dosnt miss the ex and wishes I could see how much he loves me but this is hard going and making me unhappy. Any advice gratefully received Thank you all

OP posts:
ChristmasTwatteryDoesMyHeadIn · 27/12/2018 11:12

They’re co-parenting which works for their child. He doesn’t seem to want to change things, why do you?

Honestly, it sounds like he’s not ready to be in a new relationship. If it’s not working for you, end it, but please, don’t change things for his son. That wouldn’t be fair on his son at all.

Hohocabbage · 27/12/2018 11:13

OP I don’t think you have come across well in your post, possibly this doesn’t reflect how you are in real life I don’t know. The third person in your relationship isn’t the ex it’s his son, who you don’t sound like you like very much. I would move on if I were you.

goldengummybear · 27/12/2018 11:14

He's not ready to have a girlfriend. You deserve someone better.

Bombardier25966 · 27/12/2018 11:17

This is the reality of being with someone who has children. You do your best to maintain a normal relationship with your child and that child comes first - which is exactly how it should be. It's fine if that doesn't work for you, you have the choice to walk away and find someone without a child.

wowfudge · 27/12/2018 11:21

Isn’t it the case that he’s prioritising his child and commendable that his relationship with his ex is amenable? It’ll take him time to get over the break up and everyone is different. To me your post comes across as rather insecure - you would find it easier if their relationship was acrimonious. I’d be concerned that two months in he has told you he loves you. He sounds quite emotional from what you’ve posted and if you are serious about him you need to give him time and not try to push things or pressurise him. Go out with your own friends on NYE if you want to and he will be with his son and you don’t want to stay in.

Cherries101 · 27/12/2018 11:22

I think being a stepmum isn’t going to work for you. Everything he’s done is what most decent NRP do.

Gina2012 · 27/12/2018 11:22

Kids come first. Always. Forever.

If you don't like this (and it's fine that you don't) get rid of DP and find a childless man to date

NorthEndGal · 27/12/2018 11:22

As you are only 2 months in, and already discontent , maybe this isn't the right fit for you.
He is always going to try and keep things decent between them as they are parents together. That's how it should be. If you are happy to work with that, it would be great for all concerned. If you aren't, maybe step back, so no one gets hurt.

ShatnersWig · 27/12/2018 11:23

He's not moved on.

zippey · 27/12/2018 11:25

Sounds like you need to keep out of this arrangement or someone will end up hurt - you, his son or his wife. It sounds like he is happy with the arrangement if he wishes you had a similar one with your ex.

Saying he loves you after only 2 months together is a red flag too.

She divorced him and had affairs - you only have his side of the story. “She destroyed him” - but it sounds like he is far from destroyed and living his life nicely. He has moved on to you for example.

I think the parents are doing what they think is best for the child, which is a good thing.

Spartak · 27/12/2018 11:30

He isn't the one for you.

Perhaps he wants to have his son over Christmas and New Year?

JK1773 · 27/12/2018 11:31

I think that his amicable and very good co-parenting is nothing whatsoever todo with you, especially after only 2 months. Your post comes across very self centred. Dating a guy with children means that you do not and will never come first

Pieceofpurplesky · 27/12/2018 11:31

You've been together two months. He is not your partner. Not even boyfriend really at this point. His priorities are his son, not someone he has just met

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/12/2018 11:32

2 months in is pretty quick for declarations of love, especially when you never see each other at weekends. How much time outside of being at work so you see him?

The reason his marriage ended isn’t relevant to how he and his ex arrange coparenting their child.

Slagging her off a lot when you started dating is a red flag and I agree that if he’s this exercised about how awful she is instead of keeping contact between them to solely things concerning their child he’s still too involved with her emotionally to have another relationship.

Dating someone with children can be wonderful, it can also be a minefield and you’re judging a 12 year old as spoilt and unpleasant when you haven’t even met him. If you don’t like the sound of him remember he’s a reflection on both his parents.

I’d walk away. It’s been about 8 weeks. You haven’t seen him over Xmas. Won’t see him over new year. Won’t have weekends with him. It’s too complicated and you’ll regret hoping it’ll change. No shame in walking away and if you think I’m wrong go have a quick look on the step parenting board...

Ginger153 · 27/12/2018 11:33

100% agree that his son must come first. However, I'm recently out of a relationship that failed because my ex wasn't left with any time or choice for himself. His ex called all the shots. Plans were made at the last minute so he couldn't make his own plans or continually had to cancel things. He's exhausted by it all trying to keep everyone happy and ultimately it's all blown up with them as she had absolutely no consideration for him and controlled everything rather than having pre made arrangements that were honoured. So, OP, I get it.

Until he finds a way to carve out some space for himself to realise that respect should work both ways, this may well continue to be a struggle. His child should be number 1, but his own needs and your relationship should feature somewhere and not last on the list. Give it some time but be ready to make your own plans and establish clear boundaries.

formerbabe · 27/12/2018 11:34

Yabvu.

As for calling him your partner after two months Confused I'd call that casually dating. You certainly have no right to start dictating his arrangements between him and his ex wife.

BitOutOfPractice · 27/12/2018 11:37

He's prioritising his child over a 2-month girlfriend. Good for him

Juststopit · 27/12/2018 11:41

You sound like hard work sorry. After 8 weeks you’re slating his son who you’ve never met and being critical of what sounds like great arrangements that him, his ex and his son are happy with. Why rock the boat? It’s been 8 weeks, keep out of it.

NameChangeNugget · 27/12/2018 11:57

You sound hard work.
A child versus someone he wasn’t even with in October? Tough one....

ThePeachPit · 27/12/2018 11:58

I’m sorry but if two months in my bf had tried saying how I should or shouldn’t be doing things with my ex, I’d have told him to get gone!
If you aren’t spending weekends with him, wh does it matter to you if he changes plans to suit his ex? He’s not changing your plans is he?

I do get it’s not easy on a new partner and now me and my bf are serious I consult him and take his opinion on board. But that’s happened gradually and there’s been times I’ve most definitely put ex before him for dds sake. Even this Christmas morning my bf left so dds dad could come see her.

I remember us discussing it early on and I said that my dd came first and if he wasn’t ok with that, we should end it now. He replied, of course she does and I wouldn’t want to be with anyone who didn’t put their child first.

Op, you don’t sound like you can deal with him having a child to someone else. So I think it would be better all round if you ended things before they get serious.

Mum4Fergus · 27/12/2018 12:02

He's prioritising his 12yo DS over his 2 month old date...good on him.

PerverseConverse · 27/12/2018 12:05

pairedlife.com/advice/IsHeStillMarriedToHisEx

Sounds like my ex. This ^ helped me see what was going on.

CatnissEverdene · 27/12/2018 12:07

He sounds like a great Dad OP. If you can't cope with this 2 months in, walk away and let him co parent in peace. It's nothing to do with you, you have no say in it, and never will have. If that's not for you, walk away and find someone who can put you first if that's what you need.

Belindabauer · 27/12/2018 12:18

You sound awful.
You remind me of my exs new wife. She is vile and has succeeded in coming between my dc and their father. Your bf sounds like a good father.
Also bear in mind that some parents have their children 100% of the time, not just 2/3 days a week.

Original poster
needingsanity01 · 27/12/2018 12:21

Thanks

OP posts: