My partner pandering to his ex wife - Help please

[needingsanity01]

Hello all, apologies for the long thread. I met a guy at work weve been together just over 2 months. He is the loveliest kindest guy without a bad bone in his body. Which is lovely but also frustrating at the same time. He has a boy of 12 with his ex wife. He has him every weekend and one day in the week after school for an hour or two. He basically is dictated by his ex when she wants the child dropped off and never mind if he has any plans of his own he just runs with it. She says jump he says how high. He wont stand up and say anything and seems scared to rock the boat and is happy to run with what she wants. Her happiness and needs come first it seems although he says he is doing it to look after his child who is a very demanding one at that, he says what he wants and gets it without question. Even though she was the one who divorced him and had affairs he just has no animosity with her. When we first got together he rattled on about her to the point I had to just say hey come on I don't want to hear about it. Now he dosnt speak about her and just says he wishes I had the same thing with my ex (unsure what that is supposed to mean) and he wishes I was there when he does the pick up and drop off so that I see what it is like, which would never happen as we don't see each other weekends. He maintains he can hold his head up high by being amicable and accommodating in front of his child even though the mother destroyed him
Christmas he is having his child for the week whilst she goes off on holiday and he is going to ask when she wants him dropped off - so I havnt pushed the possibility of NYE plans with me heaven forbid.
His ex wifes nephew sadly committed suicide three weeks ago which hit my bf hard he said he was very close to the nephew even though he hadn't seen him for over 2 years.. I have been trying to support him through this which is hard as he is a very shy person as it is but seems to have retreated more so since the tragedy. Unsure how to go about dealing with the fact there are three people in this relationship him his ex and me which he insists isn't true and is just us. He says he loves me and me only and dosnt miss the ex and wishes I could see how much he loves me but this is hard going and making me unhappy. Any advice gratefully received Thank you all

Yes but in the original thread, they had only been together 2 months, why would he be shaking things up for a 2month relationship.

If she was not happy with the arrangement she should leave him. He obviously wants to spend as much time with his child as possible. If she doesn't like that set up, best to get out now. She may feel he is prioritising the ex, but all I see is him prioritising his son.

I don't think he should change his prioritise but I also don't think she should have to feel like she is being treated as second best, if she can't deal,with that sort of relationship Simple solution, split up.

Sometimes they do this to keep peace with the ex and to make life the best it can be for the child - happy Mummy , happy child . All mothers are not saints and are not beyond using their children and scheduling to interfere with their ex's time esp when there is a new partner on the scene. However I do feel that you have a limited place in his life currently . Why does he have him every weekend?

He sounds like a doormat who isn't remotely over his ex. You're either picking up on this vibe and you're frustrated or you are a selfish person who doesn't want to share.

Either way it shouldn't be this hard at this stage. It should be all sunshine and lollipops. I think you need to finish with him

My partner and I only consider each other when making plans with kids now that we live together. 2 months is way too soon to expect different

Wow I'm shocked and apaulled by some of the horrible responses on here.

I feel for you!

I think what's happening here is that your partner doesn't want to cause any issues with the ex. When it was just him he could meet every demand his ex wife would make because the only person it effected was him.

He now needs to realise that you're in the picture and his pandering effects you, and it's completely not fair.

Not to mention the best thing for his son is for him to see what a loving, respectful and happy relationship is like.

The ex sounds very controlling and manipulative unfortunately, he's probably been indoctrinated for many years to do as he's told.

Could you ask him to set some boundaries with her?

After just 2 months I think you have to question whether you think it's worth it, he probably won't change. It is easier for men to give up something good than stand up to controlling ex's. Which is a shame.

I hope you figure everything out.