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Original poster

My partner pandering to his ex wife - Help please

80 replies

needingsanity01 · 27/12/2018 11:10

Hello all, apologies for the long thread. I met a guy at work weve been together just over 2 months. He is the loveliest kindest guy without a bad bone in his body. Which is lovely but also frustrating at the same time. He has a boy of 12 with his ex wife. He has him every weekend and one day in the week after school for an hour or two. He basically is dictated by his ex when she wants the child dropped off and never mind if he has any plans of his own he just runs with it. She says jump he says how high. He wont stand up and say anything and seems scared to rock the boat and is happy to run with what she wants. Her happiness and needs come first it seems although he says he is doing it to look after his child who is a very demanding one at that, he says what he wants and gets it without question. Even though she was the one who divorced him and had affairs he just has no animosity with her. When we first got together he rattled on about her to the point I had to just say hey come on I don't want to hear about it. Now he dosnt speak about her and just says he wishes I had the same thing with my ex (unsure what that is supposed to mean) and he wishes I was there when he does the pick up and drop off so that I see what it is like, which would never happen as we don't see each other weekends. He maintains he can hold his head up high by being amicable and accommodating in front of his child even though the mother destroyed him
Christmas he is having his child for the week whilst she goes off on holiday and he is going to ask when she wants him dropped off - so I havnt pushed the possibility of NYE plans with me heaven forbid.
His ex wifes nephew sadly committed suicide three weeks ago which hit my bf hard he said he was very close to the nephew even though he hadn't seen him for over 2 years.. I have been trying to support him through this which is hard as he is a very shy person as it is but seems to have retreated more so since the tragedy. Unsure how to go about dealing with the fact there are three people in this relationship him his ex and me which he insists isn't true and is just us. He says he loves me and me only and dosnt miss the ex and wishes I could see how much he loves me but this is hard going and making me unhappy. Any advice gratefully received Thank you all

OP posts:
PerverseConverse · 27/12/2018 12:24

You don't sound awful at all. You sound frustrated that a man who has said he loves you, has indicated he is free for a relationship, isn't feee at all because he's still dancing to his ex's tune. Why does he have his son every weekend? When does he get his weekend fun time? Sounds like the ex gets to relax all weekend and he spends all weekend parenting. It's not a fair or reasonable split. How does he expect to have a relationship when he's not free at weekends? He can't. Nothing wrong with being there for his son but this wreaks of guilt parenting to me. He's bending over backwards for her for a reason. He either wants her back or he's the guilty party in all this.

I'd run. Too much drama in so little time.

Original poster
needingsanity01 · 27/12/2018 12:33

Perverseconverse thank you so much for your comment it really means a lot. I habe obviously come across as a terrible person going by some of the other comments. He bends over backwards he says because he has nothing legally binding re his child and he dosnt know what his ex is capable of so wants to keep her "on side". Running is becoming more attractive at mo.x

OP posts:
Hopoindown31 · 27/12/2018 13:19

If you are not happy end it. If he really hasn't moved on it'll be a wake up call for him, if not, then you aren't a good fit for his life.

I have a good male friend who has similar custody arrangements (i.e. significantly more than EOW) and has had a lot of problems dating because of it. We women seem to want men to be more committed fathers until it means they aren't totally available to us when we want it.

Bombardier25966 · 27/12/2018 13:48

Why does he have his son every weekend?

Because good dads want to spend as much time with their children as possible. Accept it or find someone without children.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 27/12/2018 13:57

Two months is no time. You hardly know each other. You're being totally unreasonable. This man's parenting arrangements have nothing to do with you because they don't affect you. His son comes first and so he should.

dalmationdotty · 27/12/2018 13:59

as someone separated with kids and having a partner with kids, the kids come first for me. I'd never dictate to my partner how to deal with his ex and their kids. Just try and go with it and be supportive. If you can't then maybe this isn't the right relationship for you??

Christmasisforadults2 · 27/12/2018 14:01

People that say two months isn't long enough for you to get involved untie drama are partly right but also wrong. The beginning of a relationship is as important as the rest because there has to be a good foundation to build on otherwise the relationships break down.
Your dislike for this woman is understandble but also very one sided which usually happens, but again no one really ends a relationship or has affairs of the person they are with are amazing or meant to be. ( usually- I'm not talking about cheating men etc before I get loads of replies)
You dp doesn't seem to be over his ex, nor does he seem over the drama.
My dp said he was so use to they way him and his ex communicated it was hard to break the cycle.
But it's very important too, for the dc involved and the parents to have some of their own life.
I think you need to move on from him, because he's not ready and you shouldn't be put in a situation that will only get worse.

Magsie68 · 27/12/2018 21:35

Trust me he is not over her. This has nothing to do with his son. Run for the hills ....

Thespace · 27/12/2018 21:46

You seem very indignant about it all and I don’t think it’s your place since you have only been with him two months.

OhLemons · 27/12/2018 21:49

You've only been seeing him for two months. How long was he single for before you got together?

Honestly, you moaning about his childcare arrangements and him saying he loves you is a bit much for two months in!

If you can't deal with this now then he's not for you. It obviously suits him, maybe he misses living with his son? Can you imagine how much resentment his son will feel if the minute you come on the scene the time he spends with his Dad changes?

OopsInamechangedagain · 27/12/2018 22:03

He can be a good dad and see his child every weekend without being expected to cancel plans or be treated disrespectfully. You're in for a world of pain OP if you keep seeing this man - he's not emotionally available to have a relationship. Imagine the resentment you'll feel if when you eventually get roped into helping with child related chores whilst you perceive his ex getting to relax every weekend.

SandyY2K · 27/12/2018 22:04

If you've got no kids of your own....then best find a guy without kids... because you don't need a BF who jumps when his Ex clicks.

Making plans will be difficult as he's unreliable because no arrangement is in place and he'll disappoint you at the last minute.

I'm not sure of your situation...but really unless you'd find it hard getting another man... let him go.

I do think pp have been quite harsh on you.

Guacatrole · 27/12/2018 22:06

Well two months in, yeah I should hope you’re barely even registering tbh. You’re just a giant red flag

OrchidInTheSun · 27/12/2018 22:08

Any man who tells you he loves you after 2 months of dating is a knob tbh. You're better off out of it

Dirtybadger · 27/12/2018 22:20

You sound like you don't like the boy and you haven't even met him yet. He's told you he loves you after 2 months. "At the beginning..." (it is the beginning!). It all sounds very messy and intense very quickly. Run like the wind.

You don't sound compatible now or in the near future. Make some fun NYE plans with friends Smile

pissedonatrain · 27/12/2018 22:32

You are way too invested in someone you've only been dating a couple of months. You only know what he's told you.

Someone who goes on and on about their ex to another woman they are trying to date is so unattractive plus it's a red flag.

Cut your losses on this one and move on.

Gettingbackonmyfeet · 27/12/2018 22:43

Forgetting for a second how short a time you have been together I am afraid ultimately if you have a partner coparenting with their ex it's a hard place to be

My Exdh and I are very amicable and apparent our two DC, my DP I know has found it odd because we are not what he is used to in that we don't row or argue and really do get on well

I do set boundaries Exdh is under no illusions I am happy with my DP but I am aware it took some adjusting for DP

However the key is ...he adjusted...fast...and I never once was made to feel bad or wierd about it...even now he will clearly day that my Exdh and I being amicable is best for the boys

I'm afraid it is reality...i have clear boundaries but I was married to Exdh for ten years

I have no need to be unaccommodating with Exdh just because I have DP

Do also knew if he couldn't deal then I wasn't the person he should be with

I would suggest if you feel like this it isn't the relationship for you

Parenting does not go away or get compromised for a new partner ....although I find it odd any mother not being with her kids in Christmas but I fully accept that's my crap and not a judgement on others entirely my own stuff

twattymctwatterson · 27/12/2018 22:56

You aren't suited to dating someone who already has children. I agree you sound insecure, wanting him to have a less amicable relationship with the ex, wanting him to see his son less and taking a dislike to a child you've not even met yet. All in just 8 weeks! It's almost as though you resent the part of his life that happened before you. I predict if you stay in this relationship you'll try to alienate the boy. You yourself, your "partner" and most importantly the 12 year old boy a favour and end it

lifebegins50 · 27/12/2018 22:59

I really don't think its love after 2 months, as you really don't know each other.

I would also be suspicious of his narrative of marriage. For your own sanity be very wary.

Squatternutbosh123 · 27/12/2018 23:24

God forbid he wants to spend time with his son, it makes a nice change to read that on here, he's doing what any decent parent should do.

And you're not partners after a couple of months

LadyRochfordsFrostedGusset · 27/12/2018 23:30

2 months = partner? Mind blown.

BackInTheRoom · 27/12/2018 23:42

I can sympathise with you OP. I can imagine not being able to see him at the weekends because he has his son, and you wanting to see him might make you resentful of his son? I think him having his son every single weekend might limit his chances of maintaining a relationship with someone too. I agree with others that he doesn't seem to be over his ex and in some way, having his son every weekend somehow keeps the connection with his ex wife going? Bottom line is that you're not happy and I can't see him changing his mind about access any time soon and in some ways he sounds like he needs to see his son and ultimately his son is benefiting from it.

PolkaDoting · 28/12/2018 00:11

A lot of weirdly harsh responses here.

He does sound completely spineless though.

Guacatrole · 28/12/2018 08:14

Why does he have his son every weekend? When does he get his weekend fun time? Sounds like the ex gets to relax all weekend and he spends all weekend parenting. It's not a fair or reasonable split. How does he expect to have a relationship when he's not free at weekends? He can't.

Hmm the man has his child LESS than a third of the time. Poor baby. Married couples manage to have a relationship without any weekends off. Single mothers frequently manage 100% sole care... men don’t need too be child free to date

GloomyMonday · 28/12/2018 08:38

What is the reason for every weekend? It is usually every other. You say he is dancing to her tune but maybe she works weekends, or maybe he asked for more contact time.

I think you will have to be specific about what she does that is difficult because everything you've said is just successful coparenting. She says what time she wants him to drop the child off? So what?

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