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Original poster

My partner pandering to his ex wife - Help please

80 replies

needingsanity01 · 27/12/2018 11:10

Hello all, apologies for the long thread. I met a guy at work weve been together just over 2 months. He is the loveliest kindest guy without a bad bone in his body. Which is lovely but also frustrating at the same time. He has a boy of 12 with his ex wife. He has him every weekend and one day in the week after school for an hour or two. He basically is dictated by his ex when she wants the child dropped off and never mind if he has any plans of his own he just runs with it. She says jump he says how high. He wont stand up and say anything and seems scared to rock the boat and is happy to run with what she wants. Her happiness and needs come first it seems although he says he is doing it to look after his child who is a very demanding one at that, he says what he wants and gets it without question. Even though she was the one who divorced him and had affairs he just has no animosity with her. When we first got together he rattled on about her to the point I had to just say hey come on I don't want to hear about it. Now he dosnt speak about her and just says he wishes I had the same thing with my ex (unsure what that is supposed to mean) and he wishes I was there when he does the pick up and drop off so that I see what it is like, which would never happen as we don't see each other weekends. He maintains he can hold his head up high by being amicable and accommodating in front of his child even though the mother destroyed him
Christmas he is having his child for the week whilst she goes off on holiday and he is going to ask when she wants him dropped off - so I havnt pushed the possibility of NYE plans with me heaven forbid.
His ex wifes nephew sadly committed suicide three weeks ago which hit my bf hard he said he was very close to the nephew even though he hadn't seen him for over 2 years.. I have been trying to support him through this which is hard as he is a very shy person as it is but seems to have retreated more so since the tragedy. Unsure how to go about dealing with the fact there are three people in this relationship him his ex and me which he insists isn't true and is just us. He says he loves me and me only and dosnt miss the ex and wishes I could see how much he loves me but this is hard going and making me unhappy. Any advice gratefully received Thank you all

OP posts:
Renarde1975 · 28/12/2018 10:33

As others have pointed out, there is something odd going on here.

Using the word partner and the love thing...red flags.

And...have you met the 'demanding' son?

AllTheUserNamesAreTaken · 28/12/2018 10:45

hmm the man has his child LESS than a third of the time. Poor baby. Married couples manage to have a relationship without any weekends off. Single mothers frequently manage 100% sole care... men don’t need too be child free to date

Come on Guac don’t be disingenuous. Hmm

ThePeachPit · 28/12/2018 11:09

When my ex has dd on a weekend, I work. So I’m either with dd on a weekend or working. Still managed to date and be in another relationship (there’s such a thing as babysitters).
I know one couple who are separated and she has the child mon-fri as dad works long hours, he has every weekend Friday night to Sunday night because she works weekends. Works for them and their child. And they are both in new relationships now. I think the right person will be happy to fit in around family commitments and if they’re not then they’re not right.

When I first started seeing my bf it was once a week if we were lucky. He went out of his way to make it work, 45 min to a hours drive to see me for a hour before dd got home. Our date nights often had him coming to mine after dd went to bed and then him going home, he’d bring a lovely bottle of wine and never get a glass because he had to drive home 😂

But it’s not forever and if you think someone’s worth it I guess you’re willing to do it. Luckily for me, he thought both me and dd were.

DullPortraits · 28/12/2018 11:13

In the nicest possible way.. run.. now before its too late and you are in too deep! Thanks

ThePeachPit · 28/12/2018 11:15

Oh and who’s said his son is very demanding? It seems odd he’d be saying that, but you’ve never met him so how would you know what he’s like?

I’m presuming you don’t have dc if your own, you’ve not mentioned them. But then the comment about your ex doesn’t make sense if you don’t share dc.

Weird, if I were you I’d end things you don’t sound right for each other at all.

YourEggnogIsBetterThanMine · 28/12/2018 11:19

I think you need to find a new boyfriend for various reasons.

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 28/12/2018 11:31

As the partner of someone who hadn't established boundaries with their ex when we met, I'd advise you to run. She sounded very similar to your partner's ex. I'm 6 years and two kids in and I want to leave. Now it's a lot messier and I'm tied to this man in some ways forever. Resentment is high on both sides.

Xmastinseltown · 28/12/2018 11:33

You sound very insecure and jealous of his ex and child OP.
They're not going away so you need to deal with your issues or walk away.

His ex's nephew has just died tragically, so do you not think that he could be trying to support her and her family by looking after his own child as much as possible, in order for his ex to be able to spend time comforting her brother/sister at this terrible time?
Regardless, there's nothing wrong with him wanting to see his child as much as possible anyway!

If you continue with your attitude,. I dare say it won't be long before you find yourself without this man. Insecurity and jealousy are not attractive traits to have

Original poster
needingsanity01 · 29/12/2018 09:54

Thank you all for your support and comments. Yes I have four girls and bring them up alone their Dad only wants to talk to them when he needs to look good to others. My date as I might as well put it - his ex went to the airport Xmas Eve with their son in tow to pick up her boyfriend and has gone away with him for the week. Day before yesterday their son had meltdown at his Dads and seems to have gone back to complete erratic moods.

He has been divorced about a year and a half and had one partner back in spring wgich didnt last
Before anyone slates me I put my girls before myself but they have accepted my guy and do like him a lot. Yes very silly of me to have introduced them so early
Oh and his ex wife dosnt work weekends

OP posts:
Thespace · 29/12/2018 09:58

Have you seen him over the Christmas period?

Original poster
needingsanity01 · 29/12/2018 10:01

No. We were supposed to be going bowling to introduce all the kids in neutral enviroment but now its not looking like it will happen

OP posts:
Musti · 29/12/2018 10:07

Yanbu. They have to sort out a custody arrangement that leaves both parents with a good balance of time spent with their children. This cherry picking by the mother when it suits her is ridiculous and I'm surprised she doesn't want weekends with her son. Says more about her and her priorities than him.

I love my children and they'll always be a priority. However, once I move out, I will have a clear custody arrangement that is fair on everyone.

Once you meet his child though, you'll be able to all spend time together.

PerverseConverse · 29/12/2018 10:08

Please don't introduce the kids to each other after 2 months! I stupidly did this and lived to regret it. My kids were polite and friendly but didn't like his kids at all and were so relieved when I ended the relationship.
Your relationship isn't working. Don't introduce the kids when what you should be doing is ending it due to the enmeshment with his ex and the issues his ds is having. They aren't ready for you to be in their lives.

Original poster
needingsanity01 · 29/12/2018 10:43

Thank you Perverseconverse that does bring it all into perspective x

OP posts:
Thespace · 29/12/2018 10:46

When do you actually see him then if you can’t see him weekends and you can’t see him during the holidays and you haven’t met the son?

Karigan195 · 29/12/2018 10:46

You’ve chosen a good guy who looks after his kid and is caring. Isn’t that why you like him? So why are you trying to change it?

TeachesOfPeaches · 29/12/2018 10:50

He isn't your 'partner' if you've been together for 8 weeks and it's far too early to introduce the children. He has only been divorced a year and a half and already had another 'partner' before you? Did he introduce his child to her too?

Sounds like isn't the right relationship for you.

Schmoobarb · 29/12/2018 10:50

I don’t think you sound awful at all but you need to be able to accept that you will always be way down the pecking order behind his son (as it should be) and it doesn’t sound like you do.!

Original poster
needingsanity01 · 29/12/2018 10:54

Thespace - we see each other Tuesday and Thursday after work and Sunday night when he has dropped him off home

OP posts:
ChristmasFluff · 29/12/2018 15:33

OP, my friend's partner is exactly the same, and nothing will change, in fact it will get worse. You will never come first (and some would say you shouldn't - but when it is your 40th birthday and nothing gets planned etc etc....).

She's still with him because she's hoping he'll change. This has been going on for 4 YEARS. Of course, if she puts up with it for another 10 years they will have left home - but she will have spent 13 years being unhappy. Is that what you want?

TooOldForThis67 · 30/12/2018 10:31

I absolutely know where you are coming from OP. I ended up giving him an ultimatum, which I was prepared to see through, start saying no to your ex or we are over. The thing is, it will be difficult, accept that or move on. I look back and wonder how I ever got through it but if you care for him enough and think it's worth it, you will. Kids grow up and start wanting to do other stuff at w/e's, then they become teenagers and that's a whole different chapter.
I agree with OP's that at 2 months in, it shouldn't be so intense though.

crappyday2018 · 30/12/2018 10:51

Two months in and he has met your kids? that's not good. I made this mistake after seeing someone for about 4 months and the relationship didn't last. I know carry the guilt of involving the kids (thankfully they only met him a few times).
Aside from the children, this man is clearly still on the rebound. Saying he loves you this early on is not healthy. I think you need to walk away or at the very least, slow things right down.

Dieu · 30/12/2018 12:57

You have been together only a couple of months, which is frankly much to short a time for you to have any kind of say in these things whatsoever.

Cambridge7 · 21/07/2019 12:31

I have stumbled across this thread as i too am in a similar situation. Sorry but for those saying she is insecure or selfish is in my opinion unfair. Yes i think it is great he puts his son first but by accommodating the ex, that is NOT putting anyone but the ex first.
There are men out there with kids who yes, put their kids first, but still have respect for their new partners by setting boundaries with his ex. Its as simple as that.

BarbedBloom · 21/07/2019 12:40

I have to be honest, I would also struggle if I couldn't see a new partner at weekends and this would be an issue for a long time as he should wait a while yet to introduce you to his child. I don't necessarily agree that declarations of love at 2 months are always a red flag, but given you don't seem to spend a huge amount of time together, it is a little fast.

OP, I don't think this relationship will work for you and I would find it hard as well. I think he should wait until his son is older and more independent and he has more time to give to a new girlfriend. There is nothing wrong with sometimes saying you need more than someone is able to give. It doesn't make either of you a bad person, you just have different priorities and circumstances