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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Tell wifes affair partners wife ?

80 replies

Heartbroken73 · 26/12/2018 22:11

I suspected for a while that my wife was cheating, all the usual signs people would recognise. One evening I checked her phone and there it was, a graphic text to another man. No sex involved but sexting and kissing at work and suggestions to each other of meeting up. My world literally fell apart. That was five months ago, we're committed to fixing things and the love we had has come rushing back. I went round to his house and he shrugged his shoulders and said he was sorry but it was just work banter that got out of hand, he told me his wife was not aware. My desire to tell his wife is sometimes overwhelming, I want him to feel the agony I have felt. I could bring his career, family life and marriage crashing down in an instant and that thought excites me. My wife begs me not to do it as she wants to move on. Thoughts please this keeps me awake at night.

OP posts:

Givealittlebit · 26/12/2018 22:16

Personally I feel like she deserves to know, it's up to her to make her decision as to what she does and she deserves the right to make an informed decision.

But I know there's a lot of people that will disagree with that!

Unescorted · 26/12/2018 22:18

I had this happen to me... His number is saved in my phone as dick head do not answer. He told me out of petty revenge & that is not a good look. And kept on telling me. I knew but had other ways of dealing with it. My beef was not with her but my husband. I now speak to my husband and the is ...but not dhdna because his motivation was inexplicable as I had never done anything to him.

Makeupaddikt · 26/12/2018 22:19

Concentrate on your own marriage, instead of theirs.

If you told his wife, you might feel better for a little while, but the feelings you felt regarding your wife having the affair would still be there they won’t disappear IYSWIM.

I completely understand what you are going through, my husband had an affair 10 years ago We stayed together which was very difficult but deep down, I still haven’t got over it x

LynetteScavo · 26/12/2018 22:20

You wouldn't be hurting him though, you'd be hurting his wife.

Unescorted · 26/12/2018 22:22

give if it was someone else yes I would like to know, but not from the partner of the other woman. The partner is doing from revenge and anyone else does it from concern.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 26/12/2018 22:28

Personally, I my partner had a fling with a work colleague I would want to know, not to help satisfy some act of revenge for the other cheater partner, but so I can decide if I want to salvage the relationship or not, I think I would deserve that at least.

Sinisers · 26/12/2018 22:31

Just focus on and get over your wife who cheated. This will not help you to move on.

Sinisers · 26/12/2018 22:31

Get over your wife cheating that should say

Original poster

Heartbroken73 · 26/12/2018 22:42

Thanks, that's how I feel that she should have the choice. The same one I had to make.

OP posts:

whynot93 · 26/12/2018 22:48

Yes I'd want to know! It may break her but she deserves to know. I'd thank you for being honest at least..

Original poster

Heartbroken73 · 26/12/2018 22:50

Unescorted - of course there is an element of revenge, its human nature but if the boot was on the other foot i'd want to know. Wouldn't you ?

OP posts:

elephantinstripeysocks · 26/12/2018 23:13

i would want to know if i was the OMs wife. maybe tell her once in a private way (ie not in public or anything humiliating) and then leave her alone with it. Whether she believes you/looks into it further or buries her head is her business.

LaughingCow99 · 26/12/2018 23:17

I'd want to know, too. You would be hurting both him and his wife. Don't know why anyone's thinks he wouldn't hurt, he would. And so he should.

ChiMummy123 · 26/12/2018 23:18

Tell her I would want to know personally.

Highginx · 26/12/2018 23:27

Be careful. Five months is not long. Given that you want to destroy this man and that you feel the love in your marriage has come rushing back, I predict that you are very, very far from over this. More likely you’re hysterically bonding. The resentment for your wife will kick in soon.

m0vinf0rward · 26/12/2018 23:28

I'd tell her in a heart beat. Your wife just wants to sweep it under the carpet and forget about it. She and he needs to know that there are consiquenses for infidelity. I'd never be able to trust someone who cheated on me ever again, I'd rather be single, better that than live in fear of it happening again!!

Original poster

Heartbroken73 · 26/12/2018 23:31

Highginx - you're right I'm a long long way from over it, the resentment for my wife is still there but reducing. It's quite simply over powered by my deep love for her. My hatred for him however remains. My wife is paying her price, shouldn't he ?

OP posts:

Gina2012 · 26/12/2018 23:34

But your wife has begged you not to say anything to him/his wife

And you're trying to rebuild your relationship with your wife

It's not rocket science to work out what will happen if you spill the beans

Highginx · 26/12/2018 23:34

I actually don’t care if he suffers but I don’t know if you’re in the best position to shoulder the fallout. Why should you? You’ve got enough to process right now. And, more cynically, you’ve also got something to hold over them for the time being too... The love and lust you feel might be transient. It’s often a bit performative at this stage.

Highginx · 26/12/2018 23:37

Better yet, tell your wife she has to tell his wife or you’re done. That might make allegiances a bit clearer.

Didyeeaye · 26/12/2018 23:44

My ex had an affair for months before the OW told me (venomously) It was awful but I'm so glad she did. However, I didn't believe her to begin with and my ae ex had an explanation for everything which drew out my pain. If you tell the wife make sure you have unreputable evidence to back it up or you will be sending her down the rabbit hole unprepared.

Original poster

Heartbroken73 · 26/12/2018 23:49

Highginx- thanks but I believe (I have to) that her allegiances are to me. I do appreciate your thoughts though.

OP posts:

SlimGin · 26/12/2018 23:55

I would want to know. Being the last person to find out you've been cheated on is awful.

OliveSeaTurtle · 27/12/2018 00:01

I would want to know.

If it was the other way around, would you want his wife to tell you?

wavesmax · 27/12/2018 00:52

It was your wife that hurt you. She was the one who committed herself to you and only you, not some other fella. He didn't do this to you she did. I'd be focusing on my own house. Don't waste your time thinking about him. It wasn't personal.

Letting his wife know won't make you feel better, you think it will but it won't. Keep your dignity. Focus on why this happened and how you can move forward. Good luck.

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