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Relationships

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Original poster

Tell wifes affair partners wife ?

80 replies

Heartbroken73 · 26/12/2018 22:11

I suspected for a while that my wife was cheating, all the usual signs people would recognise. One evening I checked her phone and there it was, a graphic text to another man. No sex involved but sexting and kissing at work and suggestions to each other of meeting up. My world literally fell apart. That was five months ago, we're committed to fixing things and the love we had has come rushing back. I went round to his house and he shrugged his shoulders and said he was sorry but it was just work banter that got out of hand, he told me his wife was not aware. My desire to tell his wife is sometimes overwhelming, I want him to feel the agony I have felt. I could bring his career, family life and marriage crashing down in an instant and that thought excites me. My wife begs me not to do it as she wants to move on. Thoughts please this keeps me awake at night.

OP posts:

ThatPeskyElf · 27/12/2018 00:56

Tell her.
She has a right to know.
She may need to get a sti check.
Your wife may not be the only extramarital fling.

And it’s the decent thing to do.

Newerversion · 27/12/2018 01:16

I would want to know. It really is that simple for me. Everybody deserves to know who they are living with.

MsDogLady · 27/12/2018 02:01

I would not collude with them to keep their affair a secret from her. She has every right to know the truth about her own life, so that she can make informed decisions.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 27/12/2018 05:15

I can see why your wife wouldn't want you to tell his wife, she's getting to act like it never happened at work, and you're trying to work things through at home. It's the best outcome for her.
If you tell his wife then it is likely to get messy, and the blow back on her could be embarrassing. It could affect her work, the wife may want to confront her, she can't just keep brushing it under the carpet.
But then you reap what you sow, and it would be totally her own fault.

If i was the other wife, i'd desperately hope you'd tell me, as gently as possible.

WardrobeInCrisis · 27/12/2018 07:30

I would not want to know, and by telling me, you'd take that choice away from me.

I'd probably suspect anyway, but I definitely would not want to be told. And certainly not by the other husband.

People deal with things in their own way. I'd advise you just to concentrate on your own marriage and leave the other marriage to them as you have no way of knowing her feelings.

Dan89 · 27/12/2018 07:37

Compare and contrast the responses on here with those on the thread with a woman asking the same thing...

Loopytiles · 27/12/2018 07:38

Your motives for telling her reflect badly on you.

IMO it’d be better to tell her, once and in a straightforward, factual way, because she will then have the information when she takes decisions about her life, and the lives of their DC, if they have them.

Cherries101 · 27/12/2018 07:40

It’s easy to be angry get carried away and make stupid decisions but I think you need to remember one thing OP. If things had been right with your relationship, if you had been the perfect partner, your wife wouldn’t have cheated emotionally. Focus on getting you and your DP’s relationship right, ignore everyone else.

Loopytiles · 27/12/2018 07:40

It’s not more “dignified” to say nothing.

OM’s wife finding out is likely to have negative repercussions for your wife. She may also be very angry with you for telling, and/or for holding it over her and OM for months.

Loopytiles · 27/12/2018 07:42

“If things had been right with your relationship, if you had been the perfect partner, your wife wouldn’t have cheated.”

Plenty of people cheat because they just want to, or because of personal flaws, not relationship issues.

Kerberos · 27/12/2018 07:50

Focus on you and your wife. Telling her achieves nothing useful. You don't know her, it's none of your business.

Nothing good will come of it.

Snowballs4ever · 27/12/2018 07:52

Yes tell her. I would want to know. Also some STIs don't show themselves for months or years, such as herpes and genital warts.

Why does your wife not want the other wife told? I would be concerned she still has feelings for her lover.

Hope it works out for you.

Loopytiles · 27/12/2018 07:55

Telling her may not be “useful” for OP, his wife and OM, but could well be “useful” for the woman.

Lovingit81 · 27/12/2018 08:06

Tell her

Fairylea · 27/12/2018 08:21

I think you should tell her.

But I also think if you do your wife will be very angry with you (as it will make her feel guilty all over again) and it will backtrack things in your own relationship again. It depends how you feel about that aspect really.

I do think the other partner has a right to know.

Fairylea · 27/12/2018 08:22

Also, telling her means your wife is less able to go back to him again, as everyone will be on high alert. So I would do it for that reason too.

ADastardlyThing · 27/12/2018 08:25

Yep, sounds to me like your Dw doesn't want to totally burn bridges there so the affair can pick up again one day. Sorry op. I'd want to know iiwm.

JillScarlet · 27/12/2018 08:36

You seem pretty he’ll bent on doing it.

I wouldn’t. Him, her, their marriage, none of your business. You done know her, you neither owe her loyalty nor do you have cause to hurt her.

You will be hurting her just to get back at this man.

Revenge is not noble.

Concentrate on your own marriage.

snoutandab0ut · 27/12/2018 08:43

WTF Cherries? So it’s his fault his wife cheated? What a bizarre response.

Yes, I’d tell her. I’d want to know if I was her. But you have to be careful how you word it so it doesn’t sound vindictive

ltk · 27/12/2018 08:44

You're giving a lot more thought to this question than your wife gave to cheating on you.

Tell his wife if you want to. Tell her if you think it will help you. At base, she deserves to know, you're right about that, but let's not assign any altruistic motives to this. I suspect you are looking to create an explosion, because you feel like exploding and your wife obviously wants to keep a lid on things.

I doubt telling his wife will do your relationship with your wife any good. It's an angry reaction. But you're allowed your angry reaction, just like she was allowed her selfish affair.

Charlieiscool · 27/12/2018 08:45

Your wife wants to protect the man she had an affair with. Why? Why do you want to help her do that? You need to ask your wife why she wants to help the man she had an affair with. After all the lies and deceit I think truth is the only way forward. Everything might crash down but you’ll be starting again from openness all round; I think keeping secrets can be toxic when people have a right to know something that is their business.

ISdads · 27/12/2018 08:46

You are really pissed off with your wife. Deal with that, don't distract yourself with thoughts of revenge.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 27/12/2018 08:49

ODFOD. Only person to blame is the the wife and her fuck buddy.

Beerincomechampagnetastes · 27/12/2018 08:53

Tell.
His wife will be hurt but her dh is responsible as is your wife- you’re not.
Why is your wife set on you not telling?
Is she still protecting him?
Could she still be in contact with him?
What will be the fall out for you both if you tell?

Paddy1234 · 27/12/2018 09:02

Deal with your own relationship
End of
If you continue to focus on the other relationship consider your own relationship over

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