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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tell wifes affair partners wife ?

80 replies

Heartbroken73 · 26/12/2018 22:11

I suspected for a while that my wife was cheating, all the usual signs people would recognise. One evening I checked her phone and there it was, a graphic text to another man. No sex involved but sexting and kissing at work and suggestions to each other of meeting up. My world literally fell apart. That was five months ago, we're committed to fixing things and the love we had has come rushing back. I went round to his house and he shrugged his shoulders and said he was sorry but it was just work banter that got out of hand, he told me his wife was not aware. My desire to tell his wife is sometimes overwhelming, I want him to feel the agony I have felt. I could bring his career, family life and marriage crashing down in an instant and that thought excites me. My wife begs me not to do it as she wants to move on. Thoughts please this keeps me awake at night.

OP posts:
bibbitybobbityyhat · 27/12/2018 09:25

Completely agree with what Fairylea said. If you tell her that could put the nail in the coffin in your own relationship, so have you really considered that?

MaeveDidIt · 27/12/2018 10:05

You mention in your post 'his family life,' which implies he has children.
Do you ever give a thought as to how your actions could have a terrible effect on them for the rest of their lives.
Don't for one minute think I don't understand how you must be feeling (I honestly do), but this won't just effect him, the fallout of your potential action could devastate lives in years to come.
Allied with all of the above your wife Will resent you.

Beerincomechampagnetastes · 27/12/2018 10:53

It’s not ops actions that will devestarw the other families life.

The poor woman deserves to know what a piece of crap she’s married to. What if she’s planning another child with him? What if he’s done it before?

It doesn’t really matter what the ops motivations are - that’s on him. But the woman needs to know. How she chooses to proceed then is up to her but at least she’ll have the full picture.

Beerincomechampagnetastes · 27/12/2018 10:54

*devestate

Beerincomechampagnetastes · 27/12/2018 10:55

Angry devastate

user1479305498 · 27/12/2018 11:03

Cherries, that is not a fair comment. OP may have been a great partner for all we know. People don’t always have flings because their marriage has issues caused by the partner, plenty just get bored, like the buzz, want to experience that ‘newness’ feeling , love secrecy, it’s all bollocks of course but the issue is inside the person, not necessarily anything the unaware partner is doing. It really depends OP if you feel this can be mended. I don’t think telling his wife will help your wife one bit, but depends if you are committed to moving forward or feel the need for a bit of revenge, and believe me many of us have felt that need!!

keenkaren · 27/12/2018 11:43

I absolutely would not want to know if I were in that woman's position.

Original poster
Heartbroken73 · 27/12/2018 15:37

Thanks everyone for your contributions, I've read them all thoroughly. Each and everyone makes perfect sense and I sincerely appreciate the time everyone has taken to share their thoughts. I never imagined I would find myself in this position, a mature adult that feels like an abandoned, vulnerable child. I've decided not to tell the affair partners wife, the urge I'm sure will remain for some time but I have to and will focus on my marriage. Everyone makes mistake in life and I will in time forgive my wife for her out of character behaviour, this and the damage mentally this has done to me needs my 100% focus. Best wishes and warmest thanks to you all. 🤗

OP posts:
ShesABelter · 27/12/2018 15:39

I would absolutely want to know if I were her. Chances are he will do it again. Also it would be humiliating others knowing but not me.

keenkaren · 27/12/2018 15:55

Also it would be humiliating others knowing but not me

I'd agree with that if it were in a tight friendship group or a family, but not amongst strangers (which most partners of work colleagues tend to be).

JillScarlet · 27/12/2018 15:57

Best wishes to you Heartbroken. I am sorry you are going through this and I very much hope your wife appreciates, treasures and respects the love you are showing in trying again.

JillScarlet · 27/12/2018 15:57

She is a lucky woman!

Huskylover1 · 27/12/2018 16:07

Blimey, I would have told the wife the same day I found out. Why does the other man have no consequences? And the poor wife has no clue what a douche bag she's married to?

MsDogLady · 27/12/2018 16:07

So you get to know the truth about your life, but she doesn’t? Seems unfair.

Itsallpointless · 27/12/2018 16:25

The outcome you’ve had after you found out is a positive one, the OM wife may not be so positive, and could destroy her and I’m assuming there areDC. Yes I’d want to know, but ignorance is bliss. You may want revenge on him, but the hurt you’ll cause others due to that revenge could be catastrophic.

You are trying to rebuild your relationship, your revelation could have dire consequences for your own relationship. It is not an easy decision OP, you have to decide exactly what you hope to achieve if you told the wife, and then how you’ll deal with the possible consequences.

I’d really sit down and think about it.

Fair play to you both for working through this, that in itself must be very difficult indeed.

Itsallpointless · 27/12/2018 16:32

Just seen you’ve made a decision OP. I think it’s the right one, you sound very mature, your wife is lucky.

betrayedandwobbly · 27/12/2018 16:33

I was told about STBX's affair (which was at that stage believed to be non-physical) by OW's husband. I am still grateful that he , as it meant I could then base my future on something closer to the truth.

That it was a full on physical affair was something I discovered a few days after I was told. The betrayed husband had not found the emails that I then did. We then both made our own decisions about the future of the marriages.

He was the only one who treated me as an adult who deserved proper information, and I am glad his moral compass functioned as it did.

keenkaren · 27/12/2018 16:38

We then both made our own decisions about the future of the marriages.

Just a random question but were you ever tempted to get with the other man given the shared experience?

whatsthecomingoverthehill · 27/12/2018 16:45

Wtf keenkaren?

greendale17 · 27/12/2018 16:47

Yes I would tell without a doubt.

keenkaren · 27/12/2018 16:47

I was just thinking about it and I think it'd be tempting in such a situation to hook up with someone else who's been wronged at the same time. Might be a bit reboundy but I bet it happens

greenberet · 27/12/2018 19:20

I was told after ow,s dh gave my x ultimatum - either x told me or OW,s. DH would.

AFFAIR was on/ off over 6 month period - I had asked x many a time as knew something was not right - he lied

OW and her DH were supposedly giving their marriage a try - when affair rekindled

I’ve been through horrendous divorce - I wish I’d been told sooner - Stopped me thinking I was going mad! I would have given marriage a chance but knowing what I know now Im glad x left - he showed his true colours through divorce and how little he cares about his kids in all this,

Iamnobirdandnonetensnaresme · 27/12/2018 21:00

Always tell the other spouse- always.
You caught them during the affair, she should know.

They need to have nowhere to hide.
One or both of them should change jobs.

Unescorted · 27/12/2018 21:12

heartbroken It is a hard thing you are going through. As others have said she probably will need to know or already does, it is just you are not the person to say it to her. You will come back from here either with or without your wife, but I am pleased you have let the other innocent person in this make that decision herself.

Best wishes to you.

SandyY2K · 27/12/2018 21:19

*Heartbroken73

I'd want to know. Those who don't want to know like burying their heads and I could say a lot more about their character....but won't.

If you have irrefutable proof..tell her. If not...don't.