Polyamorous / Ethically Non-Monogamous Parents

[CharleeFarley]

Thought it would be good to have a thread for us non-mono / polyamorous / open relationship folks to chat about parenting, family life, relationships, etc.

Also a place for mono folks to ask legit, non-judgemental questions and for respectful discussion about non-mono life.

Pretty sure I can't be the only polyam parent on Mumsnet (right?!). Where's my tribe at? ☺️

Introduce yourself if you'd like to.

I've been polyam for about three years, have a long term partner and have recently started seeing another person very casually. I have three kids, two from a previous relationship and a new baby with my partner. We live separately but spend most of our time together (well, all of it at the mo, with a new baby!).

I'll be interested to see how/if this discussion unfolds.

I was non-monogamous for a few years. Didn't work for me. I'd consider myself a "relationship anarchist", but only because I think any and every relationship (monogamous, non-monogamous, whatever) needs to be taken on its own merits rather than having either to conform or not conform for its own sake. I tend towards monogamy now: so much simpler, and so much harder.

Where's my tribe at?

Not sure, but probably not on here, judging by previous similar threads.

How did you get into having a partner and a casual. Is everyone happy with the set up?

I wish I could have this set up

There's no set way to do this, but my relationships are open too. Mine are because of distance mostly, but also because I am at a stage in my life when I don't want to or need to settle.

I have two children - they understand that I date and that I have numerous "friends" and one person who I regard as special and that he is fine with me seeing other people due to our long distance relationship. This seems to make sense to them.

My daughter does believe that what I am doing is cheating - even if it is agreed. She would never go for a similar set up - I think this is just youth speaking. She thinks I should give up on one person before I commit to another. But why is that required? if everyone is aware and happy - then it's perfectly fine.

Hi. Name changed.

Poly mama here.

Currently in relationships with exH and girlfriend.

Had a lovely Xmas with all 3 of us in same house and children (his).

Nice to have a thread going x

Hi everyone! ☺️ Good to chat.

@AFistfulofDolores1 Sorry to hear it didn’t work out for you, but totally agree with the relationship anarchy thing. That’s pretty much my take on relationships and how I refer to myself most of the time. I really think the hard lessons learned in poly would be of great benefit to me, even if I decided to return to monogamy at some point. I don’t think I ever could, though. ☺️

@FamilyofAliens I was being flippant, really, but now I’m curious! 😂 What dreadful things have gone on in previous threads?!

@Grannyannex Yes, it’s all consensual. Everyone involved knows what’s occurring and are happy with the set up. I met my long term partner through my last (now ex) partner and the casual partner through online dating. Both have been polyam longer than me, so they know the score and are experienced. I think anyone can make it work but everyone involved has got to be really into making it successful, and the extreme level of openness and communication that requires. More people = more feelings and, often, more drama. It can get intense.

@rememberatime That’s really interesting about your daughter. How old is she? My eight year old has a rudimentary understanding of my relationships but it’s only vague at this stage as she’s still little. ☺️

@PolyKit Hi! ☺️ Sounds like an amazing Christmas. ♥️

Hi!
I'm dipping my toe into the poly waters. Having a casual but lovely relationship with a man who is seeing someone else too. I was dating another guy but that just ended.
I'm seriously interested in the concept and practice of poly relationships but also wary. I suppose I haven't got the idea of a hierarchy out of my head yet and have insecurities about coming second to his other partner.

@CharleeFarley - Oh no, don't worry - don't be sorry for me. I'm very happy it didn't work out: it was a learning curve that I don't regret for a moment.

I was in a couple of non-monogamous relationships, and mixed in those circles for a few years, and what I found was that (for many; not for all) it was a justifiable excuse to avoid the rawness and pain of intimacy. I found that most people came from broken families - myself included. I found that many people, particularly men, used it as an excuse to fuck around with some sense of 'consensual' justification. We all played a part in that.

Of all the non-monogamous relationships I came across, I can count on one hand (with a few fingers left over) the ones where it felt like neither partner was running away from something.

My own set-up is less than conventional now. I live with my ex-DH, and we co-parent our kids. But the boundaries are very clear. And if either of us were to find someone else, then that relationship would need to be conducted totally away from the home we have very painstakingly created.

Just my few cents :)

Charlee - my children are late teens. I think that it would be harder if they were younger. I would keep it much more hidden. but even though, they have not met any of my partners. I keep family life and my relationships very much separate.

Three questions from me;

1. Does it not get very complicated? Even if everyone is totally open and honest. I’m just thinking of balancing everyone’s needs within that dynamic.

2. when there are children in the mix, how do you co-parent with a partner at the same time and is it not confusing for the children?

3. If you have a long term partner and start dating someone new, do you not feel that maybe the first relationship was flawed for you to be seeking something elsewhere?

Hope I’ve not cause offence in asking!

Dolores - do you get on with your ex? How long will you live together?

Yes, we get on very well. We love each other - it's just not a romantic love, and that is mutual. We have arguments; we still push each other's buttons - but somehow we've created a crucible where we can work that out.

We are living together indefinitely, but also aware that this can and will necessarily change. In which case the ideal would be living in two separate spaces on the same property. 'Prospective' partners who cannot deal with this will, by their preferences, exclude themselves from any arrangements. It's a stark necessity that rules out anyone who isn't totally trusting or comfortable.

I've re-read the above and it sounds like he and I have created some impermeable unit where no outsiders are welcome. The reality isn't quite the same. We've both had partners, and both have been accepting of our living arrangements. Quite a few people have assumed we've been lying that we're not together - but quickly see that we really are very much separate even while we live together. We don't always eat together; we don't socialise together as a rule; we have our roles, which are separate. Yes, we have some meals together with our DC, but on non-family time we are our own people. It is really like having a lodger in many respects - except they're family :)

OP, I think a lot of people, myself included, can’t really work out why someone who wants to have many sexual partners wouldn’t just be single, rather than have a “family unit” type set-up, where everyone has to go along with it, whether they’re comfortable with it or not.

I know people say their children are fine with it, but what if they aren’t? Would you go back to monogamy if your children were upset or confused by your lifestyle?

I think it all sounds like a lot of fun, but i can never understood how people can find the time to devote when there are several children involved. Does it not feel like youre just swapping babysitting/kids over so the other can go out shagging, without emotionally investing in your primary relationship?
When I tried opening up our relationship, thats what happened. New relationships take up so much time and can be so encompassing, that other things always suffered.
Im not a particularly jealous person sexually, and i do think i could cope with this emotionally and probably enjoy it, but with children in the mix, its all a massive faff and complicated

Also on other threads, people have said that marriage vows are irrelevant and outdated, and that the concept of marriage can be adjusted to suit different interpretations.

Whereas I think if you want to say you’re married, but don’t want to be committed to one person, just don’t get married!

I don't see how you can be married with multiple partners and agree with Family on the just don't get married.

Remember you sound really dismissive of your dd not approving. Fwiw I think if all agree then it's not cheating but I 100% would be against any such set up as I like the connection dh and I have that you would not be able to have in a poly relationship.

But, we're all different so whatever works for you

I think this is just youth speaking

Or, maybe, just your daughter knowing her own mind about what she feels is best for her? So, everyone will start to become non-mono as we get older? Obviously not.

Apologies if I came across as dismissive - I am really not and go to great pains to make sure my daughter is not affected by my choices.

She is 16 and has not experienced any type of relationship yet - therefore the models she has seen have been mostly the traditional ones. As she gets older, she will see that there are more options available to her and may recognise that there is more to relationships than the standard. Although if she chose a regular relationship, I would support her completely. It is all down to choice.

I often think that young people have a very romantic view of relationships and hope to find "the one". We become more realistic as we get older. That's all I meant by the youth comment.

I’m Indian and a few of my muslim friends’ parents were in polygamous relationships both from India and the Middle East (which legally do. Despite having the social and family and cultural and religious (and legal in the case of the ME families) frameworks in place to support such marriages, these families still didn’t work. There was a lot of bitterness and hostility between the various parents and kids.

I dread to think what would happen if there had been no frameworks, no cultural reference for these polygamous relationships.

She is 16 and has not experienced any type of relationship yet

But she has experienced relationships. Maybe not romantic or sexual ones (though no parent can be sure of that, no matter what they might claim), but we teach children about relationships from a very early age, so they can form healthy attachments and understand how to have their own heathy and fulfilling relationships when they’re older. Ask any psychologist.

Another RA here. Bookmarking :)

I know one very smug woman who is in a polyamorous relationship and she definitely thinks she’s more interesting and
special and open minded than us tedious old mono couples.

I spent most of my 20s in various classes of relationship, never felt the need to define them tbh. People that need to label every aspect of their lives and relationships always strike me as very conservative and control freaky instead of the free wheeling liberal types they like to think of themselves as.