Polyamorous / Ethically Non-Monogamous Parents

[CharleeFarley]

Thought it would be good to have a thread for us non-mono / polyamorous / open relationship folks to chat about parenting, family life, relationships, etc.

Also a place for mono folks to ask legit, non-judgemental questions and for respectful discussion about non-mono life.

Pretty sure I can't be the only polyam parent on Mumsnet (right?!). Where's my tribe at? ☺️

Introduce yourself if you'd like to.

I've been polyam for about three years, have a long term partner and have recently started seeing another person very casually. I have three kids, two from a previous relationship and a new baby with my partner. We live separately but spend most of our time together (well, all of it at the mo, with a new baby!).

Cherries makes a lot of sense to me.

I have a wonderful male friend who is unmarried as his lovely sister, both very bright, very intelligent people who are two of 13 polygamous offspring now in their 30s who found their polygamous parents' relationships full of disharmony, bitterness, jealousy and dysfunction.

It was culturally acceptable in their society but oh my, it has screwed them up for life.

I think it is a feature of polygamous/ polyamorous adults to put their love lives and love interests first and to hell to what their DC think of it or how it emotionally screws them up.

No better than dysfunctional monogamous relationships of course.

So if you can hand on heart say your DC are better off and happier with your choice then all well and good.

If not stop being so selfish and put their interests and wellbeing first, or at least until you are no longer their primary carer.

I would like to try a polygamous relationship but no idea how you start one? I am dating and whilst it always starts as multi dating, I believe in honesty and wouldn't date others once exclusivity has been agreed. I don't know many people who don't want exclusivity tbh, the only ones I've met have been cheating spouses and I don't want that!

Ah ha, I'm beginning to see why I was warned about this thread from the beginning. 😬

Please can I remind everyone here that respectful, non-judgemental discussion is fine but a judgemental tone and demanding that people justify their perfectly valid life choices is just rude. Play nice, please.

This is mainly a place for non-mono people to chat about parenting and poly life. If you're a mono person who's just looking for a fight over lifestyle choices, jog on.

There's a great episode of "Explained" on Netflix on monogamy, that explains many of the reasons why non-mono folks don't feel it's for them. Perhaps a good starting place for those who feel they can't understand why we'd choose a different path.

Mono folks are afforded the privilege of not having to constantly justify their life choices. Please bear that in mind when you communicate here.

@Snowballs4ever Polyamory and polygamy are two very different things: polyam is having more than one partner in an ethically non-monogamous set up. Polygamy is one man married to many women and is illegal in the UK.

If you want to start a poly relationship, communication is key. The person you are dating needs to know up front that it's what you want - and you'll need to discuss what non-monogamy looks like for you because it's very different for everyone. Only by practising that kind of full disclosure can you both give consent and know that you are comfortable to move forward. My online dating profile mentions that I don't do mono relationships, because I'm not interested in dating people who aren't already doing it. It's too complicated to date someone who doesn't know if it's for them and I wouldn't want to risk them getting hurt or going along with something they didn't fully understand.

@noego Hi! 😁 Hopefully it will settle down a bit in here or the notifications are going to be insane. 😂

Important note: please stop using polygamy/polyamory interchangeably. They are very different things. Polygamy is one man being married to many women and is illegal in most places. This is why loads of polyam people prefer the terms "ethical non-monogamy" etc.

@rememberatime I don't think you are being dismissive. Please don't feel the need to justify yourself to anyone. ♥️ It's almost inevitable that our kids will be socialised into the monogamous narrative, when you consider that every film/book/TV program presents it as the norm, and the prevalence of the "one true love" myth. As she grows, she will no doubt understand it with more nuance, even if she decides monogamy is the way for her. ☺️

remember i recall some of your previous posts. Are you now happy for him to have other partners?

Please can I remind everyone here that respectful, non-judgemental discussion is fine but a judgemental tone and demanding that people justify their perfectly valid life choices is just rude. Play nice, please.

aha, I see you must be new here

Makes me laugh how people say "I know of a poly relationship and it was very dysfunctional and everyone was unhappy"

Well the mono relationships in my family:

Parents- dad cheated on mum repeatedly when we were kids.
3 sister's...
1- 2 kids to 2 different fellas, both left her for other women and treat her like shit
Sis 2- DH thinks it's 1952 and he doesn't have to do anything other than work. Anything else is done by the wimmins
Sis 3- gets the shit beaten out of her on the regular but she loves him

Then there's me. Poly. 2 partners who both adore my kids. We never fight in front of them. The kids live them both to bits and they've never expressed any concern or confusion as we explain everything.

Meh.

So where does the “ethical” bit come in?

Just that the word means something different to me.

Also, OP, you can’t ask people to only post if they agree with your lifestyle and only post “nice” things. This isn’t a forum for polyamory. We all have different views and are entitled to post them, regardless of how uncomfortable that makes people feel.

It's ethical because it's open, consented to and lots of consideration is given to everyone's feelings. In theory.

@Branleuse Haha! How can you tell?! 😝

It's ethical because it's open, consented to and lots of consideration is given to everyone's feelings. In theory.

That’s not what ethical means.

@FamilyOfAliens Surely I can ask? 😂 It's my post, after all. It was intended for discussion among non-mono folks, not for any old Tom, Dick or Harry to barge in and start judging our "lifestyle choices" - we get enough of that elsewhere. There are threads for divorced people, people planning to get divorced, people in bad relationships, single moms, people dating, etc. - what's up with having one for poly people? I don't see why we should have to go find our own forums. I'm just asking people not to be dicks. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Of course you can ask.

But expect to be ignored.

That’s not what ethical means.

Do explain? Non monogamy (infidelity) is considered to be unethical behaviour because it is done without consent and removes the other partner's capacity for agency. When it's done with consent then it becomes ethical.

@FamilyOfAliens Duly noted. 😂

If you’re comparing infidelity to polyamory, I can see why polyamory would seem more ethical.

But I’m comparing polyamory with choosing to be in a committed relationship where you don't sleep with other people or choosing to be single and sleeping with many people.

I don’t think you can describe a relationship where people have to hide the truth from children (as a pp said), and possibly others too, as ethical.

Poly isn't a free for all fuck fest.

You can 100% have infidelity in a poly relationship. It's about trust and openness.

Seeing someone behind your partners back without their knowledge and consent is still cheating.

And everyone isn't fucking everyone else either. My relationships are very committed and closed.

Question: I have been on a handful of dates with someone I met online. It's very casual and not yet physical but he's lovely and we seem to be forming a nice little friendship (I only met him when I was 30 weeks pregnant so it's been a slow process of getting to know one another). Anyway, I'm meeting him for lunch in a couple of days. Do you think I should take him a Christmas gift? Will it be awkward if I don't and he does? I don't really do gifts but it's a bit late to say so, at this point. 😬

Personally I think it's selfish and unfair on the other people involved. I couldn't do it. Sorry.

Poly isn't a free for all fuck fest.

Can’t really see the point in it then. Especially if you then find yourself agonising over whether to spend presumably family money in a gift for the latest in the queue.

Latest in the que?

That's so rude. Would you say that to a woman in a mono relationship? She may have had 500 men before the one she's with now.

You seem to be mixing REAL poly relationships with porn or something? Maybe you should stay away from porn hub and do some real research.

My Husband and I live together but from time to time we have other partners too. We are parents and for the most part, I'd say we raise our kids very well.

There are problems in our relationship but it has nothing to do with jealousy or anything like that. Actually, this inspires me to make my own thread about specific issue.