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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why are there no men interested?

95 replies

sunsetheaven · 25/12/2018 18:25

I know I’ve posted on here about giving up on men etc. Part of the problem is that there are no available and interested men who I like and fancy. It’s been a problem my entire life. In my 20s I had so much interest and in the end I dated several men in long term relationships to give them a go. Obviously didn’t work out as I didn’t end up falling for them, the spark was never there. Now there is less interest and I can’t meet anyone decent through work although lots of men look and lots of married men at work show interest. But I hardly get any interest online despite using same pics as I was in 20s when I got loads of interest compared to now mid 30s.

People tell me I am very attractive and I am slim and take care of myself, I consider myself a very decent and considerate person and have hobbies, work out, have my own apartment, car etc.

My therapist said she can’t see anything wrong with me.

I’m at a loss - it’s a struggle to find a man I fancy and like and who feels that way about me.

Honestly think there’s no point anymore.

Most people have families and some are even onto their second marriage by now!

Is it me?

OP posts:
AfterSchoolWorry · 25/12/2018 18:28

I became single in my mid thirties and same thing.

It's like wearing a leper bell, men run a mile. In guessing they think you're desperate to trap them due to biological clock issues.

Regardless of whether it's true, it seems to be what men assume.

Annandale · 25/12/2018 18:36

I've always had to chase, and reasonably hard. Nature doesn't care whether any of us individually mates as long as some of us do. I can guarantee there will be interest if you lose your standards enough but who wants that!

Orchardgreen · 25/12/2018 18:39

This reply has been deleted

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madcatladyforever · 25/12/2018 18:43

I'm afraid it's not nearly that simple Orchardgreen and I think very mean of you to blame OP. I was single too from 30-40 before I got married a 2nd time and quite honestly there were no men out there my age who were not married or single because there was something wrong with them.
It can be extremely heart breaking to be single.

Original poster
sunsetheaven · 25/12/2018 18:57

Should I just give up? What’s the point? It’s not like I have a great selection of men on offer anyway. And I’m not prepared to lower my standards yet again and be in another dead end relationship. Only way is to online date and I don’t think I have the strength to do that anymore. Hardly meeting anyone new in real life thanks to tough job.

OP posts:
Bombardier25966 · 25/12/2018 19:01

I had great fun dating in my thirties, there definitely are decent men available. What is wrong with the men you are finding on OLD?

Hopefully you're not using the photos from your twenties?

Dan89 · 25/12/2018 19:08

" there were no men out there my age who were not married or single because there was something wrong with them"

Something wrong with them in what sense?

AnaViaSalamanca · 25/12/2018 19:09

People tell me I am very attractive and I am slim and take care of myself, I consider myself a very decent and considerate person and have hobbies, work out, have my own apartment, car etc

But are you an interesting person? Are you charismatic? Do you have joie de vivre? If the above is how you define yourself, maybe that is the problem. What sets you apart from all the other slim attractive 20 year olds? Everyone is nice, and everyone has friends and hobbies. People usually don't care about your house and car either.

littlepotatoes · 25/12/2018 19:11

My therapist said she can’t see anything wrong with me.

^^ There May be something in this....

Seniorschoolmum · 25/12/2018 19:22

Op, I tend to get more attention when I’m not looking. Perhaps just focus on your own interests and learn to be happy in your own skin. You might be trying too hard.

Having said that, I understand what you are saying about finding someone right.
Once you exclude the dishonest ones, gamblers, porn addicts etc, the choice can seem a bit limited. Confused

Londontower · 25/12/2018 19:23

Online dating seems awful, I would give it a miss and try to meet people irl.

supergrains · 25/12/2018 19:35

Sorry op the line about your therapist not thinking there's anything wrong with you did make me chuckle!

You aren't owed a partner, stop blaming the world and get out there on dates (yes probably arranged via online dating) you're not really in the market if you don't get out there.

FleeceDetective · 25/12/2018 19:37

Did you mean you are using pictures that are at least 5/10 years old? That’s probably a contributing factor.

Lanaa · 25/12/2018 19:38

If you have a therapist you must have some issues surely? Did you say you are still using the same pictures as you used in your 20's on old? If so that may be an issue too.

richdeniro · 25/12/2018 19:41

You’re the female version of me. I have had zero luck with online dating over the past 5 years or so, not sure really what other options there are. Recently I’ve become a lot more laid back at about it all I guess, what will be will be. It’s life.

Whatsnewwithyou · 25/12/2018 19:43

I met my DH online when I was 37 and he was 42. We've been together 10 years now, he's my best friend and we're very happy. Before that I was feeling ready to give up but kept trying...so I recommend not giving up!!

maximumcarnage · 25/12/2018 19:50

I remember watching a show on TV some years back about a woman pretty much in your age bracket having exactly the same issues. No men she likes and those that she did didn’t seem interested.

So they set her up on a date with a guy, nice restaurant and set the camera rolling. She didn’t show any enthusiasm for her date. She possessed all the charisma of a brick. Looked bored. Didn’t smile. He was the one making all the effort. Asking questions. Small talk. Frankly she looked as though she’d rather be watching paint dry.

At the end of the date they interviewed them separately. Surprisingly she really enjoyed the date. And hoped she’d seen him again. The guy, to no ones surprised said he’d rather pull teeth. She literally had no idea how she was coming across to others. Her perception was rather skewed.

When they showed her the footage it actually dawned on her just how she was coming across.

I’m not suggesting you or any others in this sort of situation are like that. Only that all of us, myself included sometimes view the world through a narrow lens. And our perceptions don’t always meet with reality. There are times when we have evaluate ourselves and sometimes get the perspective of a third party.

Dirtybadger · 25/12/2018 19:54

Don't use photos from years ago.

You are saying there are no men interested, but you aren't interested in them either so they could be saying the same thing! In reality there are single men and women it will just take a while to find someone who you are compatible with. Fewer single men, some who may assume you are wanting to settle down asap for kids etc (are you?), those who are settled single may have less time to commit to dating etc.

Keep at it. It's a numbers game.

Holdingoutforalotterywin · 25/12/2018 20:00

There’s a general point that lots of the “good” ones are coupled up by now. There is a larger pool of men in this age range who didn’t commit earlier and there is a reason for that - so the pool is smaller with a higher percentage of men who have issues. Probably fair to say the women in the pool also have a higher chance of having “issues” if some sort. That’s why at this stage it is a numbers game. Date lots and you have a higher chance of meeting someone you fancy who is also looking for a committed relationship. And make sure you aren’t investing in ones who are never going to commit. This is much easier said than done of course. And second the comment above re make sure you aren’t being stand-offish without realising it. Took me along time to realise that men who don’t have commitment issues like to feel liked and it doesn’t freak them out.

Original poster
sunsetheaven · 25/12/2018 20:02

I’m a very optimistic and energetic person - full of warmth and conversation. I am an extrovert and make people feel at ease. As I said, in my 20s, I had a lot of interest. But waned in 30s although men still look all the time - but I don’t tend to fancy any so don’t give them any encouraging signals. Asked several friends about my dating pics and they insist I look the same as I did ten years ago and it’s fine to use those. Even young colleagues can’t believe how old I am. I eat very carefully and work out a few times a week. I dress well. Therapy was to help get over a break up - no issues.

OP posts:
Original poster
sunsetheaven · 25/12/2018 20:04

And I have a lot of hobbies and a very active social life, a good job, am independent etc. My life is going well in all areas apart from finding a man. It’s so daunting. Online dating is exhausting...

OP posts:
Original poster
sunsetheaven · 25/12/2018 20:05

Whatsnewwithyou so happy it worked for you, well done! And thank you for the encouragement - I think that’s what I need.

OP posts:
Original poster
sunsetheaven · 25/12/2018 20:06

richdeniro glad I’m not the only one although I know it sucks. Good to be more laid back, will try it myself

OP posts:
FleeceDetective · 25/12/2018 20:08

But why not put current fresh pictures up? Most people will be aware that you’ve been ‘on the market’ for ten years, and assume you’ve got a reason not to have a current picture of yourself. If you look exactly the same, it’s not an issue to have new relevant ones up there.

A 10 year old picture will look dated, particularly on a dating site.

StarCutterCookie · 25/12/2018 20:09

You sound the female version of a 'nice guy'....

Chill out and focus on yourself, you're not owed anything.

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