Why are there no men interested?

[sunsetheaven]

I know I’ve posted on here about giving up on men etc. Part of the problem is that there are no available and interested men who I like and fancy. It’s been a problem my entire life. In my 20s I had so much interest and in the end I dated several men in long term relationships to give them a go. Obviously didn’t work out as I didn’t end up falling for them, the spark was never there. Now there is less interest and I can’t meet anyone decent through work although lots of men look and lots of married men at work show interest. But I hardly get any interest online despite using same pics as I was in 20s when I got loads of interest compared to now mid 30s.

People tell me I am very attractive and I am slim and take care of myself, I consider myself a very decent and considerate person and have hobbies, work out, have my own apartment, car etc.

My therapist said she can’t see anything wrong with me.

I’m at a loss - it’s a struggle to find a man I fancy and like and who feels that way about me.

Honestly think there’s no point anymore.

Most people have families and some are even onto their second marriage by now!

Is it me?

Notacluethisxmas I’m not you though. I’m a size 8. I am toned and in good condition - I take a lot of care of myself, it’s a lot of effort but it’s important to me for health and lifestyle reasons. Last week when I walked home from a party, five separate men called out to me or approached me. When I go driving places, men speed up in their car to take a look in. On the train, several men will usually stare. Married men at work hit on me all the time. I am told I’m attractive. I don’t consider myself to be Meghan Markle but I’m not ugly either. There is interest but not from the kind of man I would like. I have no emotional baggage, as I explained, I went to see a therapist as I felt I needed support after a break up. I’m not a perfect person - if anything, my therapist said I’m too nice and I should have dumped the last guy much sooner. I’m not good at saving my money, sometimes I pick my nose etc. Of course I’m not perfect.

I wish people here would listen to what I’m saying. The photos aren’t a biggie, I’ve asked several friends including guy friends who I’ve known for a long time and would tell me the truth. I can change them, I can guarantee you it wouldn’t make a difference I don’t think suddenly men I fancy and like would be queuing up because I’ve always had this problem - it’s not new. And I can get dates and second dates etc as I said in my 20s I wasn’t short of offers. I haven’t changed as a person in the last few years.

I don’t have high standards - have tried to make them realistic and gone for gone for a sorts of guys to give them a chance. Just find it so difficult to meet a guy I spark with. And the pool, as others have said, is getting smaller and smaller.

Show us the pics. Your mates sound weird

OP Have you considered that you might not be doing anything wrong if it takes ages to find a real connection with someone? I've dated loads of men but have only felt a huge spark with a few of them. It does take ages (maybe years) to find that, in my opinion, unless you're very lucky.

I sometimes wonder if those that are always in relationship or go easily from one man to the next either haven't ever felt or don't know that that real connection feels like, or are more willing to compromise on it.

So you could just have fun dating and wait. Or, if you want marriage and kids, you've put a time limit on things and maybe you need to compromise for a man that's 'good on paper' and treats you right. Only you can decide what's more important to you.

With all the threads you have going about this topic I do wonder if you might be coming across a bit desperate or keen. Perhaps relax a little and stop making this the main focus of your life. If you're not willing to compromise on having the amazing spark with someone (and make sure you're not confusing a spark with drama too, I've done this with unavailable men) then the alternative is to get really happy being single to the point where it's a bonus if you meet a guy.

not weird, just some people don’t age a lot. Not gonna reveal my identity on here sorry! As I said, pics could change but not gonna change my situation.

pregnantvirgin I’ve had it with only two men my entire life and both ended up being twats. Maybe I want what I can’t have? Maybe I’m avoiding intimacy? Who knows! But thanks for the reassurance, it’s not something that happens every day and that’s why I’m panicking inside - what’s the likelihood I’m going to meet someone in the next few years that I feel that with? Do I even want to feel it after being hurt the last two times?

I’ve been on one date in the last four months. I didn’t even like him in that way. Can assure you I don’t come across as desperate or keen in real life - am just opening up on this thread, it’s a new anxiety that I have, I’m not projecting it onto guys in real life promise!

Just change the damned photos, if only to prove us wrong.

Maybe it's that you're as stubborn as heck?

I know you aren't me. That's my point. You feel you have far more going for you, than I feel I have going for me. I think that's the issue.

But you seem to think you are almost perfect. That's how your posts come across.

I suspect it's not your age, but something you are giving off. You can tell this from the fact that you don't want to listen to anything anyone says apart from your friends. Who are biased or perhaps being kind.

You have a very set mindset. Which is good, sometimes. A break up should not require extensive therapy, unless it's very traumatic.....in which case there are emotional issues and emotional fall out, that will change you.

I think you maybe need to take a more honest look at how you come across and maybe look to other people than friends to see how people react to when they are unbiased.

category12 haha ok, ok

Notacluethisxmas I don’t know if I have more going on than you. I don’t even know you I’m telling you now - I don’t think I’m perfect at all. No one is. My friends aren’t kind at all - they are brutally honest. I am listening but I will say when I don’t agree with something.

And I’m sorry but I think it’s up to an individual whether they think therapy would be useful. It wasn’t a traumatic break up at all. I didn’t even love the guy. I wanted help to understand why I didn’t leave a relationship sooner than I did. Not everyone in therapy has severe issues. Some people just like to talk.

Op. What did you want the replies to say?

I'm a size 8. I am toned and in good condition - I take a lot of care of myself, it’s a lot of effort but it’s important to me for health and lifestyle reasons.

Men probably see this as being too 'high maintenance' and in their eyes, something to be avoided.

There is interest but not from the kind of man I would like.

Lower your expectations, date someone who isn't your type, ie. out of the age that you usually go for, or someone shorter.

I wish people here would listen to what I’m saying. The photos aren’t a biggie, I’ve asked several friends including guy friends who I’ve known for a long time and would tell me the truth. I can change them, I can guarantee you it wouldn’t make a difference

The photos are an issue. How would you feel if they posted a photo from 5 years ago? Your friends are just being polite.
On dating sites you should change your picture regularly, this really does help.

I don’t have high standards - have tried to make them realistic and gone for gone for a sorts of guys to give them a chance. Just find it so difficult to meet a guy I spark with. And the pool, as others have said, is getting smaller and smaller.
It's not. Most of my friends in their 30's are splitting up or getting divorced after relationships that started in their teens or 20's. I divorced at 30, met my OH online a year later.

Trouble is it's a tricky age as men assume that you want kids or marriage or both. So they feel like they are having to make a huge commitment to you straight away.
Maybe try dating someone in their 40's who has done it all already.

PouchofDouglas wanted to see if there were similar stories and some reassurance / encouragement or even advice to give up

See op I am seeing the issue. I didn't say you think you have more appeal than me.

I said that you think you have lots of appeal. I don't think of have much appeal. When comparing the 2, you have think far more of yourself than I do of me.

Not that you are comparing me to you. We are 2 different people with very different views of ourselves. It's not about comparing 2 women. But comparing how those women feel about themselves.

I don't find it odd that you sought therapy but say you don't have any emotional issues.

You seem really nice, like you have healthy self esteem (definitely healthy than mine) although perhaps a little too healthy have a full life.

But you come across as stubborn, perhaps misunderstand people's meanings and don't have much self awareness.

You do have issues. How many threads have you started on this subject? How much have you changed from the advice on them?

If you want a different outcome you need to do something different. It's not your age.

But why not put current fresh pictures up? Most people will be aware that you’ve been ‘on the market’ for ten years, and assume you’ve got a reason not to have a current picture of yourself. If you look exactly the same, it’s not an issue to have new relevant ones up there.

This. I'm confused why you'd want to use old photos - if you look exactly the same today, take a fresh photo- liven your OLD profile up a bit

It's weird to use photos from 5 years ago. More than a couple of years is just unnecessary. Someone must have a more recent photo of you? Change them and be done with it. Someone having old photos suggests like they're trying to control their image too much by picking the best photos (not because you were younger, I just assume these photos are the most flattering?)

I think you are thinking because you're a catch on paper, It should be easier. It isn't! Think of all the people you see walking down the street together. You probably don't fancy many of them at all (or find the women attractive)....people want different things! But they want one another. And perhaps neither would be interested in you (or the male equivalent).

What you believe your "worth" is, is not objective. You are a catch but only to the men looking for someone independent, driven, busy, slim, etc. When you meet someone who wants those things and who You fancy. Great. But there just aren't many of them about. So as per previous commente- numbers game.

Has there been only 1 offer of a date in 4 months? That isn't many...is that because you're/they are saying no or because you aren't asking many people out of on dates? Do you ever date people from your hobbies?

Even just freshening up your profile (with new photos of course) gets renewed interest. It is odd how you are hanging on to pics which are years old even if you think you look the same.

Cross posted with others saying the same!

That makes it sound like you aren't a catch. You are! But not everyone is sensible and realises it might be a good idea to date someone up together In life. Apart from the physical description, you should wonderful to me. And the physical bit is taste and not something you can or should ever try to change. Because people like what they like, for the most part.

There are other small things like class that may also come into it. Some people feel uncomfortable dating above or beneath their perceived "level". So thats another compatibility barrier.

You mentioned therapy for a break up. But it sounds recent...so if you haven't been single for very long and haven't dated many guys then tbh it is likely to be as simple as putting yourself out there more frequently and for longer. Patience.

I think people on this thread have become a bit fixated on the OLD thing.

OP, by your own admission you don't actually have any problem attracting men or forming relationships with them. The issue is that none of them seem to do anything for you. You need to work out why that is.

Are you craving the unobtainable? Does a man expressing interest in you put you off him?

Or is it that you have set yourself impossibly high standards? Most people will generally adjust their standards over time to match the pool of potential partners available to them. But it sounds like that not only have you refused to do this, but actually your standards may have even got higher over time, to the point that hardly any man meets them now.

The problem isn’t you, or your profile, or your photos. It’s this spark idea. You either truly want a relationship with someone you can have a family with (in which case you would you would have stuck with one of these men you’ve dated who we’re fine but you just didn’t spark with) or you don’t (in which case you will date aimlessly in the expectation of finding some variant on a soul mate although you won’t call it that because you are far too reasonable). Either you want to settle down or you don’t (even if you aren’t outright opposed to the idea). Both options are perfectly valid.

A single mum friend of mine struggled , when I actually looked at the guys she ‘swiped’ on Tinder or contacted on POF etc , they all looked like big bear like thugs to me , and she was always then disappointed when they didn’t match in real life attributes she was seeking like good interesting job, financially ok, loyal etc. Sometimes there is a disconnect between guys you fancy and guys that make good partners and fit your’criteria’

I then showed her a bunch of successful guys I know who have these attributes and in a certain ‘fun’industry , all married/partnered just as an example and as she said, they all look too old, too sensible , sometimes I think the head is wanting what the heart/lust radar does not

To be honest OP you don’t you come across well to me. I can see why you would attract a certain type of guy. He is looking for a fit young no strings woman, of which there are plenty. You are none of these things. Looking 20-25, and that’s not really possible, is different from being 20-25.

I would say you drip issues, although that is based on your posts not you in real life. But from your posts I got shallow and conceited, demanding and judgemental of others. Also a bit deluded, you are posting on the internet and thus far have ignored all feedback or advice. You came on here but you don’t listen. You just repeat over and over how good you look, how well adjusted you are, how interesting you are and how you have high standards.

I can’t tell you if you are good looking. Nb lots of Size 8 toned people don’t have good bodies, not to men especially. I can say you don’t sound interesting or well adjusted. To me at least. You have created a package of yourself aimed at attracting a type of man based on the looks of a younger group. You are simply not what you say you are but you want a lot and expect a lot. Contrary to opinion, on here, men aren’t that stupid.

I agree with the above poster - what comes across your posts is someone who needs to be in control, someone who is hard work and a there is a certain lack of joy...and definitely issues.

I am entertaining a single woman (older than you) for Christmas, and she is rather desperately looking for a man, but so particular about what she is looking for, unwilling to compromise while she doesn't have huge amount of warmth to offer herself. And for several days she has been going on and on and on about her life, issues, opinions to anyone who will listen. I think this is the danger when you live alone for a long period of time - it is hard not to turn inward and think of anything but yourself, and how the world and other people owe you everything.