Why are there no men interested?

[sunsetheaven]

I know I’ve posted on here about giving up on men etc. Part of the problem is that there are no available and interested men who I like and fancy. It’s been a problem my entire life. In my 20s I had so much interest and in the end I dated several men in long term relationships to give them a go. Obviously didn’t work out as I didn’t end up falling for them, the spark was never there. Now there is less interest and I can’t meet anyone decent through work although lots of men look and lots of married men at work show interest. But I hardly get any interest online despite using same pics as I was in 20s when I got loads of interest compared to now mid 30s.

People tell me I am very attractive and I am slim and take care of myself, I consider myself a very decent and considerate person and have hobbies, work out, have my own apartment, car etc.

My therapist said she can’t see anything wrong with me.

I’m at a loss - it’s a struggle to find a man I fancy and like and who feels that way about me.

Honestly think there’s no point anymore.

Most people have families and some are even onto their second marriage by now!

Is it me?

I sometimes look at single friends postings in Facebook- constant selfies looking for comments and compliments and I think - you’re a bit scary. If I think that as a woman then Im sure some men think that too. It’s usually when you think fuck it that you meet mr right.

AnaViaSalamanca cant compete physically with 20 year olds and not sure I’d want to but I do think most men my age want under 30. I have a big social circle and most people say I’m lovely and interesting. I have lots of hobbies, do lots of travelling etc.

Well unless I actually go on a date with you I can’t really comment

But I wasn’t necessarily suggesting you were stand offish or didn’t show appropriate interest. Only that we can’t be objective about ourselves. When I’ve been on dates I am generally good at getting ladies to open up, relax and have fun. Perhaps even the guys you should consider less conventional dates and possibly give they guys you don’t necessarily form a connection with a date or two more?

Possibly organise double dates, maybe get some external perspective from a friend. And I’d still recommend using up to date photographs. Not doubting your timeless beauty but again. Self bias. Good luck

StarCutterCookie not sure it’s about being ‘owed’. I just always thought I’d have a life partner and family. Doesn’t look to be working out that way and it’s upsetting and come on here for support.

Loveweekends10 haha that does sound horrendous. I don’t take selfies and not many photos of me I’m not a vain or shallow person really lol

OP, do you have a "type"?

FleeceDetective one photo is 5 years old, not 10 have checked lol. I asked friends to take new shots, but they laughed and rolled eyes and reassured me I look the same and photos look fine. I trust them. Don’t think new photos would entirely change my position.

Dan89 I’ve tried dating all types and met a few lovely decent men who would have made fantastic loyal husbands and I thought I’d fall for them but never did. Tried very hard though.

If you have been online dating for years and you are using a five year old photo, people will recognise you as having been around for a long time with no luck (done it myself.) Why don’t you set up a new profile with a new username and new photos?

Thespace I’ve had various profiles on different sites with changing pics, profiles etc. Had long term relationships over last 10 years so haven’t been on dating sites for long - only a few months here and there.

Maybe so.. But you're presenting it as it should be a done/easy deal because you've got xyz. That's wandering dangerously close to Nice Guy territory.

What support are you expecting to get from annomous strangers who have no idea what you look or act like?

Honestly I think it is just a smaller pool. Keep the faith and keep trying. If you have a full life then you can stay happy etc in the interim. I walked away from a very long relationship in my 30s and have been online for four years. Met some that turned into something met many others just the once. Now with a man who seems the real deal - although I am trying to keep it in perspective and not jump ahead just because he seems normal 😂😂. Don’t be ashamed of feeling confident about your looks and personality. It’s good to like yourself and to know your own value. Keep seeing people and keep walking away from the ones who aren’t what you want. You have time and if you are patient and keep putting yourself out there you will meet someone.

You really need some up to date pictures and a revamp of your profile.

StarCutterCookie well I’ve been told I’m an attractive, interesting and kind person, with a good life to share with someone. So thought it shouldn’t be this difficult to find someone. Haha certainly not easy! Hence wanted support and encouragement as most people do coming onto this thread

Holdingoutforalotterywin thank you so much xx

I know many women who are in your age group very eligible and keen to have a relationship and have babies but who are still looking after years. You are not alone.

As another poster said, you are fishing in a much small pool if you want a man who has not been married before. Have you ruled out people who have come out of a first marriage? The secondary market may hold more promise.

You say you've got lots of hobbies - don't you meet men while your doing your hobbies?

Well the questions are

what makes you interesting to a heterosexual man between the age of 30 and 40.

What are you expecting and what are your standards

Is it a realistic match ?

“men who don’t have commitment issues like to feel liked and it doesn’t freak them out.”

Gosh yes, this. I feel like I’ve spent such a long time trying not to be “clingy” that I’ve probably come across as very cold to some guys I actually liked

My sister has been single a long time. Her relationships do not last. I think that it's because she has lost empathy and understanding towards others, in the industry she is in. Works with a lot of awkward people.
She is very opinionated and bossy and think that can sometimes put men off. But that is just a view I have of her I don't really know what she is like behind closed doors. I hope you find someone for you soon

For many, online dating is more for a hook up rather than long relationships.

Women in their thirties, in the main, tend to want marriage and children so are looking for someone who can provide that. That puts off a whole host of candidates who don't want to play daddy or settle down with one person.

I do think the photos are a bit of an issue - presumably you have your actual age on there? Then there’s a disconnect and guys will think (as women would think) why aren’t there any recent photos? Maybe you’re not 35, maybe they aren’t your pics, maybe you’re not who you say you are at all! If your friends won’t help you take new pics (not even your closest one?), can you get some from social media eg at parties etc - they don’t need to be perfect, plus the odd selfie or two. It doesn’t matter if you still look the same as you did 10 years ago, people worry that people aren’t genuine online (hence tv show Catfish) so your profile needs to tally up. Unfortunately pics are probably the most important part of your profile when it comes to online dating so I do think you need to look at that.

What sites/apps are you using? I def found some better than others when it came to guys looking for relationships rather than hook ups.

And what are your options like for meeting someone IRL? Eg work, hobbies. I did date people I met online but my three serious partners (inc DP) in past 10 years were people I met offline. OLD does work for some but not for everyone.

Sounds like you’re putting to much pressure on yourself, and indeed, any potential man you want to settle with. Settle being the operative word. At some point in every relationship, everyone settles. The perfect person that you met may develop irritating habits or who knows, mannerisms say, but after some mental arithmetic the good outways the bad and it’s easier to look past. Might not sound so romantic, but I’d suggest loosening your standards just a little bit and open your mind to this ultimate goal your clearly have, which is settling down.

Just take a frigging photo fgs

When old I avoided anyone who photos were clearly old.

In all honesty op I don't think you are realistic.

You pretty much describe yourself as near perfect. In comparison, I was 34 when my marriage broke up. Not ugly but wouldn't consider myself 'attractive', I am a size 16. Decent, but not amazing jobs, one hobby consider myself a little bit odd (I don't general connect or understand alot of people) but am friendly and people generally like me. If people don't like me they really hate me. But that's only a few people.

I did have high standards. I didn't lack interest from men. I turned lots down. Some I had chemistry with but I stuck by my standards I had set. I have been with Dp 2 years.

Your therapist comment is confusing. If there's nothing wrong why are you still seeing them. They don't go with you on dates or see you interact with the wider world. A therapist can only comment on your version of stuff.

Also on old you cab spot a photo that's old a mile off. I wouldn't contact anyone with a photo that looked old. Your friends may say you look the same. But in honesty, you won't. New photos will help. Natural photos work best imo. Not selfies. Photos of you with friends (cropping friend out).

It you seem to have decided that this is you are. Which is interesting because it's the one thing you can't control so you seem comfortable putting it down to that, perhaps so you don't have to really think about what it could be.