Why are there no men interested?

[sunsetheaven]

I know I’ve posted on here about giving up on men etc. Part of the problem is that there are no available and interested men who I like and fancy. It’s been a problem my entire life. In my 20s I had so much interest and in the end I dated several men in long term relationships to give them a go. Obviously didn’t work out as I didn’t end up falling for them, the spark was never there. Now there is less interest and I can’t meet anyone decent through work although lots of men look and lots of married men at work show interest. But I hardly get any interest online despite using same pics as I was in 20s when I got loads of interest compared to now mid 30s.

People tell me I am very attractive and I am slim and take care of myself, I consider myself a very decent and considerate person and have hobbies, work out, have my own apartment, car etc.

My therapist said she can’t see anything wrong with me.

I’m at a loss - it’s a struggle to find a man I fancy and like and who feels that way about me.

Honestly think there’s no point anymore.

Most people have families and some are even onto their second marriage by now!

Is it me?

Seems simple enough. You arnt attracted to the vast majoity of men you meet. Which means you have a tiny pool to fish in.
When i was growing up it seemed i was attractive to women who were blond, peitite and under 5ft 4. Which was no good to me as i prefered brunettes size 12-14 and taller than 5ft 7.

Listen, I'm 48, 2.5stone overweight, I don't 'do' my hair & I wear no makeup & I hide my tummy under tent-like jumpers but I got asked out twice in recent weeks (by decent people). If I can manage it anyone can. There's still hope OP. Maybe don't try so hard. Be yourself. Be authentic. Don't look outside yourself for happiness & fulfilment. Fulfil yourself from inside & you'll find people will gather around you.

To be honest OP from your posts you sound like you go on a date projecting an attitude of ‘prove why someone like me should date someone like you’. Just seems a bit arrogant and entitled. As someone else has pointed out already how do you come across? You can be a super hot toned size eight goddess with a great career and own home etc but that does not count for much if you treat your date as if you are an X Factor judge rather then someone to relax and have a laugh with.

I have no emotional baggage

Yes, you do. It's very clear from your post that you do. Anyone who says they have no baggage is not only in denial: any prospective partner will be carrying it for you. People can see our own stuff from a mile off, even if we can't, and they will pick up the contradictions between what you're saying you're like on your profile, and who you really are.

And who you are is probably far more attractive to others and far more personable, if you'd only give her a chance.

How long were you/have you been in therapy? That's the kind of long-term commitment that works wonders.

My friend is mid 30s. She is beautiful, genuinely kind, a generous, lovely fun soul. She just hasn't had any decent men that aren't just wanting a shag come into her life orbit, yet. So, she's given up for now. It's working for her - who needs men that are only seeing you as a living wank sock? Maybe she'll meet a decent one, maybe she won't. But she's stopped bothering with them for now, and she's more happy for it apparently.

First get some new pictures taken by a professional photographer. They all do them for personal ads now. That will put that issue to rest.

Next, get a dating coach. They can give you honest feedback on how you're coming across. You do have to show interest on a date with your body language, eye contact, facial expressions, tone of voice, etc. or the guy will assume that you're just counting the milliseconds until the date is over.

Then fire your therapist and get a new one. If you have met attractive, eligible men and you're just not interested in any of them you have some sort of attachment disorder that your therapist should have identified and addressed with you.

Healing Attachment Issues

I was single in my mid 30's. Part of the problem is the selection - it's bloody awful. Most of the good men married in their 20's or just don't want to get married.

why are good men so hard to find

I found a great guy who was recently divorced through no fault of his own. I saw his profile on match.com and asked him out. We've been happily married for 21 years and have two great kids, one just off to uni this year.

So it is possible, but you're not seeing your own role in why this isn't working. The good news is that that is fixable.

Good luck.

First get some new pictures taken by a professional photographer.

Sorry but this is not great advice. Most of the online dating profiles I saw that had professional photos looked really awful. Needy and fake at best, and utterly narcissistic at worse. The best photos are the natural photos you took on holiday, or at a friends party or similar. Some black and white studio shot that’s been photoshopped to death just looks really bad.

A professional photographer and a dating coach may be more of an American thing missconduct but a bit over the top for Plenty of Fish.

A professional photographer and a dating coach may be more of an American thing

According to The Independent it's quite a trend in the UK:

WHAT HAPPENED WHEN AN ONLINE DATING PHOTO AGENCY DID A MAKEOVER OF MY TINDER PROFILE

As you'll see in the sample photos in the article, these aren't black and white studio shots, they're casual photos with great composition and lighting. I think they look way better than something someone took of you with an iPhone.

OP repeatedly mentioned her photos. If she thinks getting them redone professionally is over the top, fine, but lots of people are having them done professionally. A lot of OLD is marketing yourself, like it or not.

A lot of OLD is marketing yourself, like it or not.

Yes, but OLD also requires profiles that project warmth, a bit of subtlety, nuance and a big dollop of self awareness. I have done an awful lot of internet dating and you soon learn to spot the profiles that are a bit too perfect, a bit too polished, photos that are clearly professional and ooze the fakeness of a catalogue pose. You can see the same template that many profiles follow, its not unique, it does not stand out, it shows a lack of imagination.

What drew me to my wife’s profile was a photo of her covered in mud and shit crossing the finish line of some cross country run with a big smile on her face. She looked fun, natural, doing her thing, the photo was taken on a phone by a mate in the pissing rain. That was accompanied by a witty honest profile that has the self deprecating humour to poke fun at her faults as well as her strengths. It was different from the usual ‘I am looking for a partner in crime / I love a cosy night in on the sofa with a bottle of wine and a good film’ off the shelf quotes that littered every other profile.

Do not worry, you will be interested, just do not have time yet, do not give up, try to pull yourself together and try, fall, insert and try again!

@OP

Why on earth do you need a therapist?

Tbh you sound rather high maintenance with your size 8, exercise, and watching what you eat. Nothing wrong with that but the fact you've made a point of saying it says that it's important to you and you need to maintain it for your self esteem. You don't sound fun. You sound uptight And a bit up yourself. Not the kind of woman who'll let her hair down, eat pizza from the box in her pjs and laugh at herself. Men might find you rather intimidating and vain with your image meaning so much to you. Maybe a man who is similar in diet, exercise and maintenance of looks would suit you well. Look for that type maybe?

PanGalaticGargleBlaster a good dating PR company would do that though.

Professional, to the point you can tell would be a poor job.

a good dating PR company would do that though.

Perhaps, but a good friend should be able to do it for free

There is interest but not from the kind of man I would like.

... I'm confused as to how you can possibly know that all of these men showing interest are not men you would like.

I mean, if a man shows interest in you does that just immediately remove them from consideration? Are the only men you're interested in the ones who don't show that they're interested? It sounds like you've got literally dozens of men on a weekly basis trying to ask you out and you're flat rejecting all of them because....?

What are you looking for in a man, really? What is it about all the men you see on a day to day basis that removes them from consideration? Are they not muscley enough? Not Brad Pitt enough? Not rich enough? Not nice enough?

Are you assuming that any man who shows interest just wants to fuck you, and wouldn't want a relationship? I mean, to state the obvious, if someone wants to have sex with you, it's a pretty fair bet they'd be open to a relationship, because they would be able to have sex with you more than once, right?

I'm 31, male, and definitely don't want a partner in her early or mid 20s. I want a mature and adult woman to have kids with. Not all men just want a shag. Not all men are scared of kids. Some of us are specifically looking to start a family.

You come across as a little bit like Goldilocks except instead of having 3 bowls of porridge you're getting 10 on a daily basis and complaining none of them look tasty enough to try.

agree with lemonTT.

You don’t actually come across as being very “lovely” Or “fun loving”

I work with someone who could have written these posts - she has a very high opinion of herself and thinks she is some kind of modern marvel. In reality she is hard work/a bit delusional - someone from another department actually asked me if she had mental health issues

I think you sound as though you are trying too hard and you do sound high maintenance; just get on and enjoy your life, make friends (men and women), enjoy your hobbies, try something new, there is nothing more tedious than being obsessed with meeting ‘the one’.

I think you should say yes to some of these men that you don't regard as right for you. You never know - you might just meet someone who is absolutely perfect.

You also need to relax a bit about being a perfect size 8 and all that that entails. A perfectionist isn't attractive.

I do think the fact you get looked at on the train, when out walking, whilst driving etc, is a red herring. Most women get looked at by men, it's what a lot of blokes do. It doesn't mean you are outstandingly gorgeous, it just means you are obviously female. Sorry.