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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found something horrible today.. what would you do?

107 replies

somebodytoo · 01/09/2004 20:38

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Original poster
somebodytoo · 03/09/2004 00:03

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Original poster
somebodytoo · 03/09/2004 00:19

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Chandra · 03/09/2004 00:33

No time to read all the thread so hope I'm not saying something somebody else has said, from your first postings I deduct he is the system administrator or works for the computer support office. Even if he is, he has no access to your passwords but as a system administrator he has access to your e-mail account and may even have the posibily to eavesdrop at your computer as he will be the one granting access to the different services. It seems obvious that he doesn't have the ethics required to do this job.

If you have a HR dept speak to them, sadly you will need to tell them (without much detail) that you have had a relationship with somebody at work and if he has been harrasing you after it finished, and then is when you can tell them that you are very worried about this persons integrity as he has used his administrator powers to misuse your e-mail or to have a look at it. But only talk to them if you are completely sure he is the one doing it and not somebody else (other system administrator) as he is more than likely to be sacked as he can be eavesdroping other e-mail as the one of the head of the company...

Good luck

Original poster
somebodytoo · 03/09/2004 00:37

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sandcarstle · 03/09/2004 07:40

i told my dh about this last night and his response was "hes mentally unhinged. what is he up to?" so he thinks he's a mad underhand bastard too

enid · 03/09/2004 14:39

well done naughtykid, you really grasped it, just what somebodytoo needs, another attention seeker being weird on the internet!

MeanBean · 03/09/2004 21:48

Somebodytoo, don't be embarrassed about this, treat it as a disciplinary work issue. This is about somebody being deeply unprofessional and unethical at work, as well as downright creepy. You've got nothing to be embarrassed about, and if you are brisk and businesslike when confronting it, it will increase your respect at work and make your xp look like the sad inadequate sicko that he is, in contrast to your businesslike, professional persona.

MeanBean · 03/09/2004 21:51

Oh and naughtykid - grow up. And buy a dictionary.

Flossam · 06/09/2004 00:26

The thing I thought straight away when I read your first post Somebody too was that he was doing this to cover his tracks for moonlighting at your company. So that If you reported him for moonlighting, he could get revenge so to speak and embarass you (maybe worse) by saying that he had spurned the advances you made by his fake emails and you were bitter about it. He might even pretend that you were lying about him moonlighting at all. DON'T let him get away with this. Whilest the emails show that he a) started it b) is still going along with it (ie, not pretending to reject you!) there could be no other reason for you to take this matter up with your boss. They must be able to recognise that a woman who is enjoying a work romance with dirty emails isn't going to willingly volunteer this information to her employer. I wish you luck!

Tortington · 06/09/2004 10:45

everyone has told you to go see HR and both bosses. why haven't you done this yet? the longer you leave it the wrsoe it looks.

MadameButterfly · 06/09/2004 10:54

Somebodytoo, I know you have told one Colleague, but PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE report it to your boss TODAY.

cuckoo2004 · 07/09/2004 10:04

I've just read this and feel I must speak up.

Your ex could be causing a lot of problems for you at work and I suspect he is doing it out of spite to cause trouble for you. In time he could claim that you are sending the emails and harrassing him.

IMO you should speak up. As a manager I would take it very seriously and do my best to support a member of staff who raised an issue like this. It would look far better if you took the first step and brought it out into the open. If your ex reports it first then you will have a lot less credibility. I appreciate that it's embarrassing but you could talk to any of the following people depending on what support services are available in your organisation:

Your manager / employer
Union rep
Occupational Health Department
Human resources manager

Please let us know how you get on.

aloha · 07/09/2004 10:27

If someone had reported this to me I too would have been extremely concerned and very sympathetic. Do not let him be the first to report this. It could cost you your job and your credibility. Everyone has said, talk to HR and your boss.Please, please do so.

Galaxy · 08/09/2004 19:49

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ChicPea · 08/09/2004 19:59

Haven't read all posts as very long thread and very little time. BUT I would call this misconduct on your ex's part as he has demonstrated a serious mis-use of the email system. I would print them all off and then think about whether or not you wish to bring this to Personnel's attention. Can you prove that you weren't there (at the time of the replies) so that it is obviously not you? The fact that he is doing this a) in the Company's time and on the Company's software b) using your ID fraudulently c) using a sexual innuendos/nature is quite serious. The Company has a duty of care to protect all employees while working on it's premises and I think you have the right to take things further. If you think it would be laughed at by your superior (a man) then by saying you want it sorted or you will claim constructive dismissal should make them take it seriously.

Good luck!

MummyToSteven · 08/09/2004 20:16

bumping this up!

biketastic · 08/09/2004 20:19

one thing my dh says that each computer has a registration. They will be able to tell what computer any of the emails came from. So, unless he always used your computer, they will be able to tell if any of the e-mails came from a computer that you had no acess to but he did. This may help to show that at least some of them weren't from you.
hth
How's it going?

Pennies · 19/09/2004 09:37

I work in HR and second everything people have said on here about reporting it to HR, your boss, his boss (in that order). Do NOT confront him until you have told them - if he's planning something sinister then this gives him time to think up a counter attack or excuse. Also when reporting do not say it was definitely from him or else it could look like sour grapes on your part (although you can say that you believe it may be from him and certain evidence indicates it was him but that you want a full investigation to determine who exactly it was). Check out your company's grievance / disciplinary processes and follow them to the letter, though be warned if he's contracting there isn't much they can do to him via these policies as they only usually apply to full employees and instead they should just terminate his contract. Importantly try to remain as impartial and professional as you can about this.

Start by raising your concerns about the misuse of the computer and if they fail to respond then bring in the sexual harrassment thing and they should stand to attention sharpish. If they don't then start to bring in the big guns (i.e. tell them you are seeking legal advice).

Has your lawyer responded?

Let us know how things have gone.

Foul man, BTW. Hope he gets the sack.

essbee · 19/09/2004 12:27

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moomina · 19/09/2004 14:20

Oh blimey, essbee, no wonder you're feeling totally overwhelmed! Had no idea this was you too.

But I must admit - and I know this is just more hassle and stress for you - but I would still go the official route advised by people on here. I really don't think you should say anything to ex directly. Why on earth did your work friend email your ex, though? Has he replied in any way? I reckon you should make this all 'official' before it gets any more complicated.

anorak · 19/09/2004 14:39

Sorry that should have been me not my - my typing! . She sent the email to me.

I'm not going to approach him directly don't worry. I don't want to find out his reaction...

essbee · 19/09/2004 14:39

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moomina · 19/09/2004 14:44

LOL Thought you were - have just seen your other thread! Well, really hope you can get all this sorted out soon, essbee. He is such an arse (huge understatement).

tigermoth · 19/09/2004 19:27

oh essbee, I had no idea. At least you have confided in someone at work. And you have been offered another job, so hurrah for that.

Your ex sounds pretty disturbed to me. Poor you.

aloha · 19/09/2004 19:43

OMG Essbee - I am speechless! He's just crazy. I'm really, really shocked that you have had to put up with all this cr*p. Horrified. Now you've told your solicitor, can you make that official at least, even if you can't afford to do anything about it? Congratulations on the new job offer though Go for more money!!