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Original poster

Offer to adopt SILs baby?

92 replies

NextStopSleep · 23/12/2018 06:33

So I’ve been up all night about this and want some outsiders views (although hoping I won’t regret this post!!)
SIL is pregnant, 20 weeks, has been changing her mind a lot about terminating the pregnancy and her next appt is booked for 22 weeks after Christmas.
I’ve had multiple miscarriages so quite sensitive to the topic but I’m pro-choice so have been supportive of her either way. Yesterday we met up and she joked that DH and I could adopt the baby.. and then looked at me seriously! I kinda dismissed it by laughing it off but now I’ve been up all night thinking about it!!
I don’t know what to do Sad
DH thinks we’d be mad to do it and that his SIL sees it as an easy solution to her situation and it would actually be 100 times more complicated in reality and really hard on all of us... but I just don’t know and it’s really upsetting me. I feel now that if we don’t offer that she will terminate.. and I can’t really handle that decision being on me!!
I asked her if she would consider putting baby up for general adoption but she said no as she couldn’t handle not seeing the baby if it was born. The father has no interest.

OP posts:
Loveweekends10 · 23/12/2018 06:39

I really feel for you. If your heart is not in the adoption then you would not get far with the adoption process anyway. It sounds like she needs to face her responsibilities instead of deflecting them to you.

Madeline88 · 23/12/2018 06:42

Only you know if the baby will be wanted and loved or not if you adopt it. If it will be wanted and loved why wouldn’t you adopt it?

MrsNjie · 23/12/2018 06:43

It sounds like she wants to keep it and if you did end up adopting you'd be constantly worried that she'd still see the baby as hers. How would that work? Would she want them to you both mum? If you adopt you should be 100% sure and 100% mum to your child. I think the situation is really sad but if she's so unsure then there's not much chance of her even keeping to an agreement to let you adopt once she's given birth and has that baby in her arms anyway.
How old is she? Sounds as if she's just scared.

TchoupiEtDoudou · 23/12/2018 06:45

A very difficult situation.

Firstly, if she does terminate it is not your fault.

Secondly, this bit would worry me "she couldn’t handle not seeing the baby if it was born" - what exactly would she expect? How many demands would she make to see the baby? How much would you feel indebted to her and feel you have to let her see/babysit/take away the child with her?

I don't know what I'd do but I agree with your DH that it could cause a lot of problems. It all depends on how much SIL is really prepared to give up the baby (so it's you and DH who can really make all the parenting decisions) or if she's hoping you'll do the hard slog bits but she can swoop in whenever she feels like it and take the baby for fun days out.

Thespace · 23/12/2018 06:45

I wouldn’t even contemplate it. How messy would it be if/when she wants to see the baby. What if she changed her mind in a year or two or five? Would the child know who their mother was?

If you are genuinely thinking about it find out about the legal aspect of it before you go any further eg would the child be legally yours?

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox · 23/12/2018 06:46

Surely the baby would go into foster care until you were approved as foster carers. Also, if she is so indecisive about a termination, surely it would be harder to make a decision after having a baby?

TchoupiEtDoudou · 23/12/2018 06:47

I hadn't seen the but where she keeps changing her mind - for me that would be a no. As the pregnancy progresses she'll likely change her mind again and you might go through all the heartache of thinking you'll have a baby only for it to be taken away.

So sorry about your MC

FestiveNut · 23/12/2018 06:48

I've seen it done. Within certain communities it's fairly common to see babies raised by an aunt, particularly if the baby comes from a large family. I think the process is different from standard adoption. I'd do it, personally.

loveka · 23/12/2018 06:48

Gosh, what a difficult situation you are in.

In your position I would want to adopt her baby too.

It will be difficult though. The child will know it's real mother didn't want it. It depends on the child how they react to that knowledge.

Your rsil could want the baby back at some point. Or the child might, when it's older, want to live with her.

I was adopted within a family. It was different for me as I was lied to about it. Even so, I know my birth mother had a huge amount of guilt about having me adopted that was nothing to do with the lie. She carried the guilt with her until she died.

If you go down this route, make sure that you talk through EVERY possibility. Perhaps some councelling would help for all of you?

I think, looking at it objectively,, that it would have been better for everyone had I been adopted in the normal way rather than in the family.. But then who knows who would have adopted me?

Honesty is the key here.

Soontobe60 · 23/12/2018 06:51

First, she'd struggle to get a termination for no real reason so late on in the pregnancy.
Second, there's no guarantee you'd be accepted as adoptive parents.
So you should be doing whatever you can to support her if she continues this pregnancy. Once the baby is born, if she eventually decides to give baby up for adoption social services will be heavily involved. They almost always look to family first for potential carers.

Cherries101 · 23/12/2018 06:52

Adopting from her when she’s this vulnerable is taking advantage. All it would take is a good soliciter and the adoption would be overturned. I have seen it happen — I’m from one of those communities that Festive Nut mentioned. What she does not not do with the baby is none of your business frankly. If you’re so desperate to adopt go elsewhere.

FestiveNut · 23/12/2018 06:52

Here you go, OP. Looks like the process is different. You can look after them until adoption goes through by the looks of it. I don't think they'd need to go to foster care.

www.gov.uk/looking-after-someone-elses-child

SarahET · 23/12/2018 06:53

Listen to your DH too, it's not a decision one of you can make on your own. Personally I think you'd get endless issues and would stay well clear. You could still offer a lot of support and take a hands on role in baby's life without adoption.

If she was joking she may be a bit upset by you bringing up the idea seriously. Are you sure she was serious? She might think she is at the moment but then change her mind and resent it in future.

Either way, her decision to terminate or not isn't on you. Please don't feel that way.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 23/12/2018 06:54

Sounds like if she goes through with the pg she'll end up wanting to keep the baby anyway, but may not want the work that goes with one - which would then put you in the category of glorified nanny/carer, rather than adoptive mother.

She wants to have her cake and eat it - but then, if she does have the baby and decides to have it adopted, better to go to you than a stranger? But it would have to be done legally and properly or there'd be all sorts of repercussions down the line, and at any time she could reassert her right to be the child's mother, if you haven't got it all done properly.

What does your husband think?

Mumtoboy123 · 23/12/2018 06:56

From what youve said she is clearly struggling with the decision and i agree with your DH that its an easy option for her. If you it, down the line she may start making comments about wanting baby back/you taking baby ( which i know isnt the case), if you dont do it you will get down the line to (you made me terminate/give up baby, you could have cared for them and you didnt). Its not your responsibility.
We have been in a very similar situation and trust me, the feeling towards it changes when you have your own child. Support her with her decision as much as you can but dont let her guilt you

user1457017537 · 23/12/2018 06:58

Are private adoptions a thing. As PP has said it is common in some communities and cultures. I know someone who was given by his parents to an infertile uncle and aunt and brought up on a different continent. Personally I don’t see any difference between this and surrogacy. I can only imagine how you feel though and I personally am horrified by women who want to abort at 22 weeks. Good God she could have done it much, much earlier.

ems137 · 23/12/2018 06:58

I think she might change her mind about you adopting the baby. I think it might cause you awful heartache where you've planned a whole life with this new baby and then she will change her mind at the last minute.

Original poster
NextStopSleep · 23/12/2018 06:58

I must admit I haven’t looked into it legally properly (not had time other than googling during the night) so not even sure if it’s possible or how it would work... looks like there are options that aren’t adoption, for kinship guardianship which is looking after the child but not adopting etc
All those things you are mentioning are going through my head - what if we do agree then she wants the child back? That would be super hard on DH & I but good for the child to be with it’s mum?
How involved would she be? As some have said what if she keeps changing her mind all through the child’s life? What about financials?
Aaaaaagh Sad

OP posts:
blackcat86 · 23/12/2018 07:01

To have got to 20 weeks into the pregnancy she must be very unsure about a termination or she presumably would have done it before. It sounds like she just needs support to feel confident in being a single parent and to bond with the baby. I think you would be accused of capitalising on her vulnerability at this stage. If she chooses to terminate then she has to make that choice herself although she has left it very late. If she looks at options for adoption on her own then it would be lovely for the baby to stay in the family if that's what she wants to and there could be clear boundaries. Have you and your husband considered adoption generally if you feel you could provide a loving home?

FestiveNut · 23/12/2018 07:02

To expand on my previous comment, I'd see it as a win win either way. Worst case scenario, she decides she wants the baby shortly after it's born, you've saved its life. I don't think legal adoptions can be reversed in the UK. They'd consider the mother's mental state when making the original order. I'd get a family solicitor's opinion on that though. And to mentally protect myself I'd consider it looking after rather than adoption until the paperwork went through.

www.compactlaw.co.uk/free-legal-information/adoption-law/can-adoption-orders-be-revoked.html

Original poster
NextStopSleep · 23/12/2018 07:03

@Soontobe60
the clinic is very happy to terminate at her next appointment (up to 24 weeks)... essentially the medical reason by default is her physical well-being as most doctors agree that labour is less safe than termination

OP posts:
Hanuman · 23/12/2018 07:05

She wants you to do all the hard stuff and she will swoop in and play mummy when it suits her. I really wouldn't do this if I were you.

LaurieFairyCake · 23/12/2018 07:07

Yes I would offer. Once the baby is here and if she wanted to keep it that would be fine with me. I would not be counting my chickens before I had a legal agreement in place.

If she didn't want me to keep it, didn't want it herself - the baby would still be able to find a loving family and you could all be involved in it's life. It would still be your niece.

I am very pro abortion but 20 weeks is too late for me and I would happily offer it a home rather than have a 20 week foetuses death.

I don't even know you or her and I'd take it right now ShockSmile

Good luck with whatever you decide Thanks

Original poster
NextStopSleep · 23/12/2018 07:08

Can I just add for those saying I’m trying to take advantage of her, it never even crossed my mind to offer to adopt the baby until she mentioned it yesterday. The only reason I’d do this would be to help her or the child, and I’ve got one million mixed feelings about that.
there are lots of other options for me and DH to have children in the future we haven’t exhausted possibilities to have them naturally ourselves yet and haven’t even thought about adoption as a process we’d want to do seperately to this situation

OP posts:
moredoll · 23/12/2018 07:10

the clinic is very happy to terminate at her next appointment (up to 24 weeks)

Really? I thought it was only possible to have a termination so late into pregnancy if there were foetal abnormality.