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Original poster

Offer to adopt SILs baby?

92 replies

NextStopSleep · 23/12/2018 06:33

So I’ve been up all night about this and want some outsiders views (although hoping I won’t regret this post!!)
SIL is pregnant, 20 weeks, has been changing her mind a lot about terminating the pregnancy and her next appt is booked for 22 weeks after Christmas.
I’ve had multiple miscarriages so quite sensitive to the topic but I’m pro-choice so have been supportive of her either way. Yesterday we met up and she joked that DH and I could adopt the baby.. and then looked at me seriously! I kinda dismissed it by laughing it off but now I’ve been up all night thinking about it!!
I don’t know what to do Sad
DH thinks we’d be mad to do it and that his SIL sees it as an easy solution to her situation and it would actually be 100 times more complicated in reality and really hard on all of us... but I just don’t know and it’s really upsetting me. I feel now that if we don’t offer that she will terminate.. and I can’t really handle that decision being on me!!
I asked her if she would consider putting baby up for general adoption but she said no as she couldn’t handle not seeing the baby if it was born. The father has no interest.

OP posts:
MissyCooper · 23/12/2018 07:52

I always thought I was pro choice but this makes me feel a bit sick.

I remember contributing to a thread on here about abortion to term. I am strongly against that. Whilst I can see how unusual it would be it’s scenarios like this one that concern me. Chopping and changing until it’s far too late.

I think abortion at this stage (other than for medical reasons) is wrong. It surprises me that I think that way. But there it is.

anniehm · 23/12/2018 07:53

I suggest you say to her if she's serious she speaks urgently to an adoption counsellor, call social services for one. It's not straight forward but could be done and a good solution. What she must realise is whilst she could have a relationship with the child she would be terminating her parental rights to you and so access would be on your terms - you should discuss very strict ground rules at this point eg once a week visit for no more than one hour unless YOU specifically say longer, and agree when the child would be told and what sil will be called. Far better to discuss before the final decision is made.

I do think it would be a wonderful thing to do, but you must be prepared for her to change her mind and keep the baby, I believe she has a period of time until temporary guardianship is agreed, then adoption takes a few months in consensual situations like this depending on getting a slot in court. It's private so all fees would be met by you.

Rarfy · 23/12/2018 07:54

I just wanted to add i hope your sil knows the process involved in terminating a pregnancy so late on.

Firstly she will have to have a procedure to stop the babys heart and then she will be induced and labour and deliver a sleeping baby. I am assuming she would also have to plan some sort of funeral / burial / cremation.

Its not a simple process it will stay with her for the rest of her life.

I lost a baby at 27 weeks and you basically give birth and go home empty handed. Obviously different circumstances as mine was desperately wanted but at this stage i wouldn't think it an easy option.

Motoko · 23/12/2018 07:56

Has she been offered any counselling? What if she has a termination, and then regrets her decision? At 20 weeks, she'll be feeling the baby moving, and having a termination at such a late stage, could really fuck her up. There are babies being born at 23/24 weeks that survive.

It does sound like she'd muck you around, and would want the nice bits, and basically have a doll to play with, then hand it back to you to do the hard parts.

Your DH knows her, and has said it wouldn't be a good idea, so listen to him. If you're not both 100% into this, you won't be approved for the adoption anyway.

Such a sad situation, and quite cruel (albeit unintentionally) for her to say that to you, knowing your situation.

billybagpuss · 23/12/2018 07:57

I think it would be very very difficult, you would never 100% feel that the baby was yours.

Also consider the scenario later on in life when you tell the child it was adopted, it has to go through all the emotional trauma of why did my mum not want me, to then find out that actually mum was auntie SIL.

mama1980 · 23/12/2018 08:00

As both a birth and adoptive mother I'd say think carefully. Please do come over to the adoption board where several of us have experience in being both kinship careers (SGO) and of adopting similar circumstances.
I'd say if she is serious both her and you should speak to SS immediately, different areas of the country have slightly different protocols, and it would be best to approach them sooner rather than later.
Nothing needs to be set in stone and she can change her mind at any time but it sounds like some facts and information could help you all clarify the situation. SS like to keep babies within families wherever possible so while rare this situation wouldn't be unusual to them and they are experienced in handling questions of contact, PR, timetables etc. They will be able to answer a lot of questions and discuss possible scenarios with you all.

My son was born at 24 weeks so I cannot comment objectively on the termination aspect but what I will say is that your SIL whatever she decides will find this very traumatic and I applaud you for offering such support to her, it must mean so much to her right now.

Original poster
NextStopSleep · 23/12/2018 08:07

@mama1980
Yeah because of my miscarriages I also really struggling to think objectively about the termination (which is partly why I’ve been up all night!) but I’ve been trying to put that aside to help and support her... thanks I’ll come over to the adoption board and ask a question there!

OP posts:
Original poster
NextStopSleep · 23/12/2018 08:08

@mama1980
Also really sorry to hear about your son and I hope he is ok xx

OP posts:
brizzledrizzle · 23/12/2018 08:08

Firstly, it is not your responsibility if she decides to have a termination.
If you do go ahead and apply to adopt this baby then make sure it is all done legally, no private adoption where the baby lives with you and you aren't his/her legal parents. This needs to be done with full social services approval and with the three of you fully on board.

Do you and SIL all live near to each other?

Original poster
NextStopSleep · 23/12/2018 08:09

@Motoko
Yes she’s been having lots of counselling with the clinic after going to earlier appointments and not going through with it

OP posts:
Sierra259 · 23/12/2018 08:09

It's a very difficult situation for you (and her). What concerns me most is that she wouldn't consider adoption by another family as "she wouldn't get to see the baby" but her alternative to that is having an abortion?? I kind of agree with a previous poster that she's scared of being a single mum and is looking to you to be her safety net - to do the tricky bits while she makes up her mind how involved she wants to be. Could you cope if you foster the baby for a few months/years and then she decides she wants to keep it? What if she changes her mind again when the reality of being a parent kicks in? If so, it's a kind and generous thing to offer to do for her.

She needs some urgent support and counselling to help her to come to a decision. And please DO NOT feel responsible if she does decide to terminate the pregnancy. That decision is solely her responsibility.

Original poster
NextStopSleep · 23/12/2018 08:13

@Rarfy
So so sorry about what happened to you and your baby, words cannot express Flowers

In regard to this termination it actually would be done surgically under general anaesthetic (won’t put any more details here but all on google) no labour and you don’t see the baby afterwards or have funeral or anything.
I think that’s why they have the cut off at 24 weeks gestation for this type of selective abortion as after 24 weeks you would have a funeral etc. I really didn’t want to upset you but I just wanted to clarify for anyone else reading this xx

OP posts:
Original poster
NextStopSleep · 23/12/2018 08:14

@brizzledrizzle
We live about 30 minutes from her in traffic... not sure if that is too close or too far in this scenario!

OP posts:
dontneedthedrama · 23/12/2018 08:15

Sounds to me she's doesn't really want to terminate. I'd offer her support to her .

EtVoilaBrexit · 23/12/2018 08:15

Tbh I would t look at any adoption or kindship carer etc... until you actually I’ve had some counselling yourself (and yes I appreciate that you have very little time for that...)

But it needs to be VERY clear in your mind that whatever decision your SIL is taking, it will be HER decision and that you do NOT have ANY responsibility in what she deciding to do (abortion or keeping the bay, giving the baby for adoption or keeping it - regardless of how hard it will the become for her).

I would be worried that, as you say yourself, your SIL is seeing the adoption idea as an easy way out AND a way to not to take any responsibility for the decision she needs to make. The fact she is now 22 weeks is telling me she is really struggling with it and doesn’t know what to do.
The problem is, if you then see proposing adoption as somehow you taking the decision to abort or not, and she sees it the same way, it has the potential to spiral into a really complex situation where you will end up the scapegoat for anything that goes wrong.

mama1980 · 23/12/2018 08:15

Please do so NextStopSleep there are many posters there more knowledgable than I.
Thank you, my son is now 4, perfectly healthy and currently sitting next to me eating his second breakfast Smile
As I said I don't comment further but remember this decision is not on you, all you do is support and love her which is what you are doing. Your support must mean the world to her right now.

WereYouHareWhenIWasFox · 23/12/2018 08:16

Oh come on moredoll, don’t be a dick.

Original poster
NextStopSleep · 23/12/2018 08:17

@Sierra259
I know... it doesn’t seem like a choice to me but I’m not in her shoes!
I think we probably would be happy fostering or looking after the child if she could help us out a bit financially, something to talk about with DH I think

OP posts:
ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley · 23/12/2018 08:21

I think you have to go into this hoping for the best. Looking at the worst case scenario is not a good idea in a delivate situation like this.
Perhaps discuss with the bio Mum exactly how she sees this panning out. Maybe a collaborative raising of the child might work providing she was prepared to put in exactly 50% of the financials and do as much of the hard stuff as the Disney stuff. Yes it could turn into a nightmare but it might not. It might work out really well.

ollhe · 23/12/2018 08:25

Sounds like more conversation needs to be had. You don’t actually know how serious your Dsil was when she mentioned it yesterday.

If I were in your shoes I’d have to offer adoption. But to do this you need to have time to properly consider it, and time to have lengthy discussions with her about it.
And it doesn’t sound like you have much time left before she has to make that decision.
From what you’ve said though, it doesn’t sound like she can go through with the abortion. Maybe she just needs another option at this stage?

ollhe · 23/12/2018 08:29

Could another option be for her to move in with you temporarily after she has baby so you can provide moral support until her confidence grows?
She may not need to, but again would have more options to consider?

orangecushion · 23/12/2018 08:39

a termination? Sorry but absolute madness.

Motoko · 23/12/2018 08:40

Hmm, if she's actually had appointments for termination before, but keeps pulling out, I really don't think she should have one now. It sounds like she'd really regret going ahead with the termination.
If she really wanted one, she'd have gone ahead with it when it was easier.

TheNavigator · 23/12/2018 08:42

I would back off before you have your heart broken. If your SIL has her baby, chances are she will want to keep it, not give it to you and she will need support from the family to enable her to do that.

I had a friend at Uni who had an accidental pregnancy and planned for the baby to be adopted. The baby goes to foster care & you are allowed contact up to a certain point before the papers are signed. She kept her baby in the end (who is now an adult). I do think this is a likely outcome if the baby stays in the family and it will be hell for you.

Reflection1 · 23/12/2018 08:46

Lots of misinformation on this thread op re adoption. I am a consultant social worker working in adoption. No the baby would not need to go into foster care. No the legal fees would not be met by you if this goes ahead. Please feel free to pm me with any questions.