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Original poster

Offer to adopt SILs baby?

92 replies

NextStopSleep · 23/12/2018 06:33

So I’ve been up all night about this and want some outsiders views (although hoping I won’t regret this post!!)
SIL is pregnant, 20 weeks, has been changing her mind a lot about terminating the pregnancy and her next appt is booked for 22 weeks after Christmas.
I’ve had multiple miscarriages so quite sensitive to the topic but I’m pro-choice so have been supportive of her either way. Yesterday we met up and she joked that DH and I could adopt the baby.. and then looked at me seriously! I kinda dismissed it by laughing it off but now I’ve been up all night thinking about it!!
I don’t know what to do Sad
DH thinks we’d be mad to do it and that his SIL sees it as an easy solution to her situation and it would actually be 100 times more complicated in reality and really hard on all of us... but I just don’t know and it’s really upsetting me. I feel now that if we don’t offer that she will terminate.. and I can’t really handle that decision being on me!!
I asked her if she would consider putting baby up for general adoption but she said no as she couldn’t handle not seeing the baby if it was born. The father has no interest.

OP posts:
Original poster
NextStopSleep · 23/12/2018 07:12

@LaurieFairyCake
That’s exactly it. If we offered and she didn’t terminate but then once it was born she wanted to keep it that would be a fab outcome!
...Apart from the fact I would then worry I’ve forced her to have a baby in her life that she actually didn’t want which would be very hard for her and potentially the child too. I don’t know what is the right thing to do!Sad

OP posts:
Hofuckingho · 23/12/2018 07:13

As others have said, 20 weeks is very late to be considering a termination. Without a medical reason she could struggle to get done. It also suggests she is extremely unsure about having the procedure.

Personally I would ignore her suggestion, as it may well have been just a flippant comment. Instead support her and help out where you can.

I’m sorry to hear of your losses. 💐

Original poster
NextStopSleep · 23/12/2018 07:15

@moredoll yep! Up to 24 weeks is allowed

Offer to adopt SILs baby?
OP posts:
Hanuman · 23/12/2018 07:16

I don't know why people are suggesting a termination would be difficult to get. The legal limit is 24 weeks except for abnormalities and she is within that.

Original poster
NextStopSleep · 23/12/2018 07:17

We’ve offered lots of support - I only work 3 days a week so I’ve said I can help with childcare etc, my sister has offered all her baby gear.
Honestly from what she’s said I think she doesn’t want the baby but can’t go through with the termination so will end up having it... such a sad situation. Of course we will help her as much as we can.

OP posts:
WereYouHareWhenIWasFox · 23/12/2018 07:18

Abortion is legal past 24 weeks for many many other reasons than foetal abnormality. Thankfully.

Original poster
NextStopSleep · 23/12/2018 07:19

@Hanuman I think people might just be surprised if they didn’t know it was 24 weeks limit... I certainly was as it was later than I expected! But when I think about it rationally the end result is the same whether someone terminated at 6 weeks or 24 weeks

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Original poster
NextStopSleep · 23/12/2018 07:20

@WereYouHareWhenIWasFox
Yes absolutely agreed

OP posts:
moredoll · 23/12/2018 07:21

I know that it's legal to have an abortion up to 24 weeks, but it very rarely done at such an advanced stage of pregnancy. I have never heard of it unless there was foetal abnormality.

Is the clinic in this country?

Hofuckingho · 23/12/2018 07:24

I think an early termination is a very different scenario to one after 20 weeks. When you consider that babies born soon after 20 weeks can survive and do well, then her decision can only get more difficult.

moredoll · 23/12/2018 07:24

the end result is the same whether someone terminated at 6 weeks or 24 weeks

Not so.
The process is very different.

IPromiseIWontBeNaughty · 23/12/2018 07:24

I know 2 family members who were adopted by other (infertile) family. It’s difficult & messy at times. The birth parents still see the children & do/did comment on the upbringing. It’s made the adopted children feel odd as well as they were given away for the best intentions but their siblings weren’t. But they’ve still maintained contact with all family members. It’s hard one. I don’t know what I would do in those circumstances having seen the consequences up close.

hiptobeasquare · 23/12/2018 07:25

As an adoptive parent, you and DH need to be totally on the same page before even contemplating this.
Adoption through the traditional channels is hard work but I can’t begin to imagine how messy things would be in this case especially as your SIL wants to have contact with the baby.

Original poster
NextStopSleep · 23/12/2018 07:26

@FestiveNut thanks for the link by the way really useful!!

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Original poster
NextStopSleep · 23/12/2018 07:32

@moredoll
I agree the process of it happening is very different, she has talked me through that. I meant more that the end result of “no baby” is the same

OP posts:
moredoll · 23/12/2018 07:35

Abortion is legal past 24 weeks for many many other reasons than foetal abnormality. Thankfully.

Really? What are the many many other reasons?

Original poster
NextStopSleep · 23/12/2018 07:37

@HofuckingHo
Yes very different scenario. I think it would have been much easier for her emotionally (if she does terminate) to have done it earlier rather than now, she’s has the scans etc and is experiencing changes in her body. I don’t know if I could do it at this point if I was in her situarion but ultimately I’m not and she’s the one who’s experiencing this. It’s such a sad situation with no “good” options for her really, no magic button that allows her to immediately continue life as normal whatever decision she makes

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CosmicCanary · 23/12/2018 07:37

My friend is legal guardian of her DSis little one and has been since he was born. Sadly her DSis is a heroine addict and to date has had 4 DC taken in to care and then adopted ( born before the DC my friend cares for) 1 is with my friend and the other born 16 months after him and is as far as we know also in care.
It is a very difficult thing to do.

The child knows my friend is not his mum and always has done. His mum was in and out of his life for a few years at first and she went from happy my friend was caring for him to demanding him back and spreading lies on social media throughout those years.

I think that offering to support you Sil either way is the best thing you can do and not discuss adoption as an option for you and DH.

LadyRenoir · 23/12/2018 07:39

The only thing I would be afraid of is that one day she can change her mind, want the bab back and break your hearts. That being said, I would probably personally try to take guardianship of the baby. I am pro choice, but my hears is breaking every time I hear of an abortion.
Consider it, but maybe ask her first if she really meant it?

user1457017537 · 23/12/2018 07:39

Lauriefairycake what a lovely post.

RitaFairclough · 23/12/2018 07:42

She will have to go through labour and deliver her baby at this stage. My friend had a termination at around 22 weeks because her baby wouldn’t have survived and it was not easy. It was a horrible thing for her to go through.

Original poster
NextStopSleep · 23/12/2018 07:46

@RitaFairclough
So sorry for your friend that must have been so hard for her Flowers
I’m not sure about all clinics but the one she’s going to do surgical terminations up to 23 weeks, general anaesthesia and no labour

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user1457017537 · 23/12/2018 07:47

My son and his partner had a 4D scan at 12 weeks and you could even see the baby’s hairline it is incredibly detailed. Makes a mockery of the “just a group of cells” argument.

MollyHuaCha · 23/12/2018 07:50

I could imagine her promising the baby to you, then changing her mind after the birth.

Then after a few weeks/months of motherhood, she might feel overwhelmed and then decide you could have the baby after all.

Then take it back maybe.

Heartbreak all round.

Original poster
NextStopSleep · 23/12/2018 07:52

I know some people feel very passionately about abortion but please this isn’t the post for that debate. I’m trying honestly to work out if this is a sensible thing to offer and the different perspectives are helping so thanks all!

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