Offer to adopt SILs baby?

[NextStopSleep]

So I’ve been up all night about this and want some outsiders views (although hoping I won’t regret this post!!)
SIL is pregnant, 20 weeks, has been changing her mind a lot about terminating the pregnancy and her next appt is booked for 22 weeks after Christmas.
I’ve had multiple miscarriages so quite sensitive to the topic but I’m pro-choice so have been supportive of her either way. Yesterday we met up and she joked that DH and I could adopt the baby.. and then looked at me seriously! I kinda dismissed it by laughing it off but now I’ve been up all night thinking about it!!
I don’t know what to do
DH thinks we’d be mad to do it and that his SIL sees it as an easy solution to her situation and it would actually be 100 times more complicated in reality and really hard on all of us... but I just don’t know and it’s really upsetting me. I feel now that if we don’t offer that she will terminate.. and I can’t really handle that decision being on me!!
I asked her if she would consider putting baby up for general adoption but she said no as she couldn’t handle not seeing the baby if it was born. The father has no interest.

Ahh ok @NextStopSleep i didnt realise that was an option. I know from my own personal experience the nhs dont even offer surgical termination for mmcs after 14wks due to the risks involved with the surgery.

Not sure if anyone's said this or not but what about the child?

How would he/she feel if you did end up looking after her/him but he/she knew that living right nearby was a mum who didn't want her? That would hurt surely? Normally when children are adopted the parent has truly given them up either due to pressure from societal norms/parents or due to feeling or being completely unable to look after their child and give them the life they think they should have.

This woman will be living 30 minutes away, what will you do, pretend she's just yours, SIL will be 'aunty'? The child will be able to ask who their birth parent is and then how will that child cope when they hear that the mum lives within driving distance, isn't her aunt and gave her up for absolutely no good reason at all - that could really mess with that child in a severe way. I would have a totally different point of view if the SIL was on drugs or suffering severely from a MH/health issue that was driving this decision, but so far I've heard nothing other than someone who can't quite face the responsibility of being an adult female who has gotten pregnant - and that's not a good enough reason to give a child up for adoption really is it.

However, that's not the case here. SIL may be wavering and flip flopping back and forth - she can terminate or she can keep the baby. What are the impediments to her keeping the baby? That she's 'just not sure'? That's a pretty shite 'reason' for giving away a child. I'm wondering what kind of person SIL is - and massive apologies if this is totally wrong and way off base, but is she a bit precious or a bit self obsessed anyway or what?

I can TOTALLY see the temptation but I think your DH is right when he points out the complexity that you need to consider.

I think it would be better all round to support her to make the decision for termination and if she chooses not to, she's a grown adult, and she has to raise the child. You can't just give children away for no bloody reason other than you don't quite fancy it. She got pregnant, now, like anyone else who gets pregnant, she has to get on with it one way or another.

Anyway, just my thoughts and I hope all concerned are able to reach a workable decision, it's your decisions to make together but also there's the effect on that child which doesn't especially seem to have been a significant element of consideration so far.

She should wait and see how she feels when the baby is born. She is being a bit unkind given your situation. Google open adoption.

I think you're leaving yourself open to a whole world of pain here. SIL is obviously very torn about whether to proceed with the pregnancy and the idea of you two adopting the baby might well be something she sees as a solution right now but she has no idea how she's going to feel when she gives birth. It's entirely possible, actually it's very likely, that if she has the baby she'll want to keep it.

Even if she doesn't immediately make that decision she clearly already knows that if she has it she'll want some kind of relationship so that means she will spend time with and bond with the baby. Healthcare professionals and ss will actively encourage this (quite rightly). So you could spend the rest of her pregnancy and some months beyond hoping, planning, bonding, only to have your dream torn away from you .

If we offered and she didn’t terminate but then once it was born she wanted to keep it that would be a fab outcome!.

Sorry but I think you're being naive here in trying to convince yourself that's a win/win. Ok so the idea of a late abortion is difficult for a lot of people (me too tbh) but that 'fab outcome' is you not getting a much longed for baby or worse getting and then having it taken from you. That pain I think could break a person.

It's so lovely that you want things to work out for SIL, you're obviously a kind and thoughtful person, but for your own sake please don't put yourself in the position of hoping yet not knowing and then having to paste on a big smile and pretend it's no biggie when she decides to keep it. You need to guard your own heart here so in your shoes I'd take adoption off the table but offer whatever emotional and practical support you feel able to give.

She might keep the baby and not be a good mum. Anything can happen, don't influence her at all, let her talk if you can.
Thanks reflection, I wish people wouldn't give advice with incorrect info.

I am completely prochoice but I hope she fully realises that a 22 week old fétus will resemble a completely formed baby - just a very small one. I was in hospital for the last 8 weeks of my pregnancy - and unfortunately a lot of the mums gave birth early and babies of 23/24 weeks were in the special unit. I am worried your SIL will be traumatised by the birth.

I would wonder if your SIL is suffering from antenatal depression. I had AND in my second (planned, wanted) pregnancy. I kept going back and forth on termination until the legal limit and then seriously considered adoption or leaving him with his father.

It persisted into PND after birth and I seriously considered both adoption and abandoning him in his pram on the street. It didn’t resolve until I got medication at 4 months and accessed specialised help.

It is not likely someone as ambivalent about pregnancy as your SIL is likely either to fall deeply in love with her baby and live happily ever after or terminate or make an adoption plan and be happy with that. She needs specialist help. Not about what she plans to do which is likely more a desperation not to be in this position but with her own mental health so she can be in a place to make her own decisions.

How old is your SIL? (Roughly?)

I work in abortion services.

The legal limit is 24 weeks. It will not be difficult to access (apart from limited appointments in some parts of the country due to demand). The legal reasons for an abortion at this stage can be the same as at 6 weeks. No additional criteria necessary.

It is very common for women in "late stage" (19weeks plus) to repeatedly miss appointments. And then to continue with the pregnancy. Often they feel conflicted and "need" to get past 24 weeks so that the choice is taken out of their hands but they can still feel like they explored other options. They will be signposted to ongoing support sometimes in these cases (e.g. GP/adoption services/SS).

It is also not as uncommon as I think some people are assuming. I work for a private provider and we have a few clinics in the UK offering termination up until the legal limit. The list is always full. In the grand scheme of things not many women having terminations are having them after 19 weeks, but plenty do.

Adopting from someone close in my family wouldn't be for me. But I've read quite heart warming stories about it. But it's absolutely a bad idea and non starter if your partner doesn't feel the same.

Also re the SIL seeing the foetus. She absolutely wouldn't. She would be under GA for the procedure.

Apologies OP for rail roading but I just wanted to clarify some specifics in response to previous posts

Its very tricky situation, bc it sounds like she is not stable and if you adopt she could always take the baby away later...say when you have done all the hard work and she decides she wants it after all. They always take the moms side, unless she is a real threat to baby.

Some misleading info re adoption on this thread.
if you are seriously thinking about it, suggest you post in the Adoption topic using a title like 'Kinship adoption'.

If she continues with pregnancy but then want to keep the baby, could you cope?
If baby goes to you when born, but then she changes her mind prior to adoption, could you cope?
If she starts being 'interfering' in how the baby/child is brought up, could you cope?
How could you bring up the child to know their birth mother is their Aunt, but to recognise you as their Mum?

Personally I think this could be fraught with difficulties. But only you know all the circumstances and the relationships involved.

It is fraught with difficulty but if you and your husband can agree I think it could suit you all.

In the US there is a choice if the birth parents want to be involved and how often. So it can be done but it would be a very difficult and of course there is the danger she will change her mind and keep it.

I am not sure how private adaption works.
As long as you are aware of what could go wrong and you were both committed to it, then it could work

No I wouldn’t do this.

For a start your partner doesn’t agree, I imagine if you talked him around and 6 months after baby is born she decides she wants him back or there is a huge falling out over it, all that heartache and it would you who had talked him into it. It could have a huge impact on your marriage. Babies can be a huge strain on a relationship anyway, let alone with the added complications.

Secondly the child(the most important one), how will they feel knowing their auntie is their mum and gave them away. I know there are stories are about this type of thing happening in the past but that was usually when a mum couldn’t keep her baby due to being unmarried or similar.
How conflicted would a child feel if their parents say no to something but auntie says yes. When they are a teen and fall out with you and go to their real mum.

What about the wider family? In my family this would cause a lot of friction.

I would be offering support to SIL no matter what choice she makes. If she terminates, look after her afterwards, make sure she had access to adequate counselling. If she keeps the baby find out what is making her unsure about having a baby and offer support to help with those things. I think the idea of offering to have her and baby to with you a while once born is a good one but you have to be hands off so she is the one being mum.

I'm not finger wagging, each to their own, but this is now a baby , a life. Please that lady needs some counselling.

OP I think you are running from 0 to 60 based on a joke and what you perceive to be a serious look. There is every chance this hasn't crossed her mind as anything other than a flippant jokey comment and you are anxiously over thinking because of your circumstances not hers.

Her head is all over the place, now yours is over a 'look'. You are thinking of a million scenarios and future problems over a 'look'. Step back. If she was in anyway serious she will speak to you again. However, I doubt she will. She knows how much you want a child and it was insensitive to throw this idea out there, but a joke and a 'serious look' are not enough for you to start making life plans around.

Sorry for the long gap been a busy day!
A few people have asked her age - she’s 33.
I honestly don’t know how the child would feel in this situation, it’s impossible to know I think!
I’m going to do a bit more digging with her and make sure she’s making the most of the counselling she’s been offered.
I’ve talked to DH today and we’re both fairly convinced that although she keeps swaying back towards termination she’s looking it as an easy escape route from a hard situation and that she won’t actually do it, so we’re just gonna offer her lots of support unless she brings up the adoption idea again.
Thanks everyone for your comments.