friend just made an offensive comment - advice?

[loosenknot]

I have a close friend, who I have known since primary school. She has had an exceptionally hard time over the last three years and I have ltried to be supportive. The hardest part of being supportive is she doesn’t like dissent. SO while I prefer people to point out ways of looking at a situation, this makes her very agitated and I have to keep my mouth closed. She has fallen out with most of her friends.

Today we were on the phone and she was telling me about another friend she has fallen out with over money. I can understand why she is annoyed with her. I tried to put another view point but she got agitated, so, as usual, I kept my mouth shut. . She has never in all the years I’ve known her said anything racist. But she concluded the conversation by saying: " I’m sorry to say this, and I don’t mean to be offensive, but she’s being a typical Jew."

Now, the thing is, I am technically Jewish (i.e. my mothers’s family were all Eastern European jews, and that’s my heritage even though we’re three generation atheist with no cultural association). And I’m not mean, and nor are my family (who have hosted her for Christmas for the last decade - her family, I should say, have also been super generous to us). So I said, very mildly, 'actually I do find that offensive, it’s an offensive comment'. And she got quite cross and put the phone down on me.

She has since texted me to say she can’t deal with any conflict and she’s sorry she’s offended me and she just meant stereotypically jewish (and implied she wouldn't be coming for Christmas, as if I'd disinvited her, which I haven't). Which isn’t the point. I’m not even that offended personally, it’s just an offensive comment, in the manner of all racist comments.

I’ve written her a message explaining that it’s offensive precisely because it’s a stereotype: I’m not mean so does that mean I’m not a stereotypical jew? - and added that of course she should come for Christmas and it wouldn’t be the same without her. This happened recently with another comment about a friend who knowingly conceived as a single parent - she made quite a rude comment about this (because she hates the woman) even though I'm also in the same situation (and I know she doesn't judge me for it).

Not sure how to proceed. I’m certainly not going to loose a friendship over it, but I’m feeling a bit steely, like I'd like an apology.

Also, sounds like she is banking on you feeling sorry enough for her to shoulder "blame" so she feels better about the situation because in her mind it will cement that this is your fault.

You are not responsible for her happiness, OP, she is, but she is not taking any responsibility for her actions.

She also doesn’t seem to want to be the slightest bit concerned about how you feel or how much you have put yourself out for her.

It is sad when old friendships end, but in this case, I would minimise contact ASAP.

You're not cross enough!

She's behaved APPALLINGLY cut her loose. She's not going to be satisfied until you're on your knees begging HER forgiveness!

Fragile my arse! She can dish out the nastiness but can't take any criticism whatsoever. That's her problem not yours!

DO NOT go chasing after her, enjoy your Christmas put her out your head - cos I can pretty much guarantee she won't be letting this spoil her Christmas (I suspect she had no intention of coming and this has been a convenient excuse!)

Why on earth are you keeping this utter dick in your life? Begging her to stay for xmas and saying everyone will miss her? Really?? Bet there are some that will be over the moon this drama queen won't be there. Are you a doormat like this with all your friends, or just her because she is 'special'?

I work with someone like this, lots of people this she is a complete twat - because she is - and has very few friends because of her atrocious attitude. She thinks everyone else has the problem

Fragile, my arse.

Why are you being so appeasing towards her? She sounds dreadful and the lack of friends is clearly her own fault.

She sounds awful. And your responses are just feeding and appeasing her, you are not in the wrong her.

Your friend sounds like someone I know. They are currently struggling emotionally and in terms of the 'drama triangle' they switch between the 'victim' and 'persecutor' to maintain the control and power of the dynamic between you both. The reason she is doing this is because she is not ready to deal / face with her own failings so passing the buck to you. I would suggest you have to set boundaries with her and remove yourself from the victim/persecutor dynamic. That's doesn't necessarily have to be cutting all contact. Just handling it differently. Hopefully in time, her emotions settle and she will realise how out of order she has been. Alternatively you could cut all contact until she is prepared to be more reasonable but could be a bit drastic as you know your friend best. Good luck.

All this drama because I called her out on an anti Semitic comment. I’m feeling fucking cross and loosing sympathy fast
Well, yeah - it's an essential part of the training process.
You're being trained to keep your mouth shut and kowtow to her at all times - or else drama ensues.
I feel sorry for you OP, you can't see that you're being treated like shit and manipulated.

we have a genuine friendship
No, you don't.
You and your family are a means to an end for her - and on her terms only. She has no respect or consideration for you or your family as you have just realised.
Friends done't treat you the way she is, or play the kind of manipulative games she's playing with you.

She feels she’s apologised and drawn a line under the Jewish comment. She doesn’t want to talk about it anymore
Of course, she doesn't want to - she wants to talk about how awful YOU are, how bad YOU made her feel......it's NEVER her fault because either YOU misunderstand or your own opinions cause the problem.
She's training you not to dare have your own opinions or feelings where she's concerned and just do what is expected of you.

She is very isolated and lonely at the moment and really probably needs me. I don’t want to abandon her....she is very fragile and I suppose part of me knew that she can’t take any ‘negativity’.
She is responsible for her own actions OP and it's her own fault she's pushed everyone else away with her shitty attitude and behaviour.
They all obviously had enough self respect to walk away than be her whipping dog.
You also seem to have some co-dependency issues re this.
It isn't your job to 'save' her and her life isn't your responsibility.

I used to know someone like this. She was diagnosed with a personality disorder too.
However, like your 'friend' she was also aware of wrong and right and understood what she was doing - but she was too full of her self importance to accept that she could ever be held to the same standards she expected off everyone else.
No illness or condition is an excuse to behave in such an atrocious manner - especially over a long time.

You need to put some distance between you.
She has no respect for you whatsoever as you've seen, yet you keep chasing her!

No update really. I sent her a happy Christmas message and she didn’t respond all day. I read through the emails and saw where a misunderstanding could have occurred and cleared it up in a text but still no response (I didn’t do it to get a response but just to make sure I had no reason to blame Myself). Now I just feel angry at how it’s all been twisted back onto me. I don’t think I deserve to be treated this way.

Have you read the valuable insights the previous posters have given you into what your "friend" is doing to you?

OP - why are you behaving in such a desperate and needy manner?
Does this ignoring not show you that she isn't a real friend?
You're apparently not even worth a 'merry christmas' all because you dared to speak up!

For fucks sake just leave her to it!

You don’t deserve to be treated this way. She is a poor friend.

I had a friend do this to me a couple of years ago. She was known for falling out with friends and it always being their fault. We had been very close but then she took offence to something I said and gave me the silent treatment to put me in my place. After a couple of 'explanatory' and 'placatory' texts I got angry and when she deigned to suggest we meet to clear the air eventually I found that I no longer wanted her in my life. It was a painful transition but I'm glad I removed her in the end. I recommend it to be honest.

My kids have to grow up into this world, and I'd prefer to make sure it doesn't have people carrying around casually unexamined racist ideas

That's not technically true, if an apology from her would soothe your feelings and you're still keen to be friends with a racist who will be around your children at some stage.

& if she talks badly about friends to you, you are entirely naive to think she doesn't speak about you in derogatory fashion also.

Why you'd even want someone who'd been derogatory about Jewish people sitting down to dinner with your parents, I can't fathom. Your mother's family are Jewish it's an insult to make her unknowingly host a racist.

Why are you bothering with her OP? As you are obviously finding out, people like this just make you feel shit unless you dance to their tune. It really doesn't matter whether she approves of your opinion or not, there is really no point calling people out if you are then going to try and smooth over it. A proper adult would just have offered a sincere apology for the offensive comment, and tried their best to move on and not repeat it, with none of this other drama and guilting you, and spinning it around. She sounds childish and hard work, as well as the fact she is an anti-semite. The latter alone would have me ending this relationship.

Plenty of people have a whole host of personal problems and are vulnerable, it doesn't give them carte blanche to do what they want and veto any reprisal. Really that is laughable. You were correct to call her out on what is a very wrong and offensive line of thought. I think you're in too deep with her to realise how much of your emotional energy and time she is taking up, just look at all this time taken, and all the thinking you've done when you should be doing other things. Just because you care about someone does not mean you have to have any sort of relationship with them, it doesn't mean they are good for you and if she were that lonely she should think twice before acting the martyr and cancelling plans. I'm exhausted on your behalf and would genuinely have told her to jog on ages ago, not everything has to be 'resolved' all of the time, you are not a better person for doing so- especially when it involves excusing anti semitism with no sincere apology.

Dirtybadger, Category, Cakemonger very well said. Really extremely well said. Wonderful responses to the nonsense some are articulating.

Thanks all. None of this is suprising really. FWIW we do have a history that makes this worth preserving - but not on any terms. It’s always been inevitable that if I spoke out this would happen. Thanks again for your advice.

I think you should stop acting so needy and leave it now. She is probably enjoying the fact she ruined your Christmas where what you should have done is pointed out her offensive comments and how they hurt you then left it at that if she apologised. It sounds like she hasn't apologised and thinks you are the one at fault for calling her out on her racist remarks. She is being rude to your family and has presumably lost friends in the past for being opinionated and disregarding others feelings. No loss really and I would let this friend go, old friend or not. Old friend does not mean good friend. It just means you have tolerated her for a long time.