friend just made an offensive comment - advice?

[loosenknot]

I have a close friend, who I have known since primary school. She has had an exceptionally hard time over the last three years and I have ltried to be supportive. The hardest part of being supportive is she doesn’t like dissent. SO while I prefer people to point out ways of looking at a situation, this makes her very agitated and I have to keep my mouth closed. She has fallen out with most of her friends.

Today we were on the phone and she was telling me about another friend she has fallen out with over money. I can understand why she is annoyed with her. I tried to put another view point but she got agitated, so, as usual, I kept my mouth shut. . She has never in all the years I’ve known her said anything racist. But she concluded the conversation by saying: " I’m sorry to say this, and I don’t mean to be offensive, but she’s being a typical Jew."

Now, the thing is, I am technically Jewish (i.e. my mothers’s family were all Eastern European jews, and that’s my heritage even though we’re three generation atheist with no cultural association). And I’m not mean, and nor are my family (who have hosted her for Christmas for the last decade - her family, I should say, have also been super generous to us). So I said, very mildly, 'actually I do find that offensive, it’s an offensive comment'. And she got quite cross and put the phone down on me.

She has since texted me to say she can’t deal with any conflict and she’s sorry she’s offended me and she just meant stereotypically jewish (and implied she wouldn't be coming for Christmas, as if I'd disinvited her, which I haven't). Which isn’t the point. I’m not even that offended personally, it’s just an offensive comment, in the manner of all racist comments.

I’ve written her a message explaining that it’s offensive precisely because it’s a stereotype: I’m not mean so does that mean I’m not a stereotypical jew? - and added that of course she should come for Christmas and it wouldn’t be the same without her. This happened recently with another comment about a friend who knowingly conceived as a single parent - she made quite a rude comment about this (because she hates the woman) even though I'm also in the same situation (and I know she doesn't judge me for it).

Not sure how to proceed. I’m certainly not going to loose a friendship over it, but I’m feeling a bit steely, like I'd like an apology.

OP a situation which was essentially the same happened with my best friend almost 10 years ago. She tried to force me, for almost 30
minutes to agree that an elderly black man we’d seen in a public place looked exactly like a monkey and how it was so clear just by looking at him that he was “close to an ape”. I actually feel emotional just writing that out. Why the fuck did I not just walk away there and then? I was so horrified, shocked, betrayed that I just stood there dumbfounded unable to make much sense. I kept asking her to stop it, stop saying that and she kept saying “come on hun, look at him! It’s obvious, he’s not far off is he?”

It was disgusting no matter what. It was made slightly worse by the fact that I’m mixed race and my family has faced quite a bit of racism. She was my best friend, she was completely aware of all this. When I went home I sobbed for hours, thinking of that old man, my grandad, parents and to be honest, humanity. She’d said all this in front of her little children. I couldn’t believe anyone really thought like that.

When she called to arrange another meeting, I called her out on it. Told her how hurt and disgusted i’d been and overall how shocked I was that she held those views. Like your friend she blew up at me, accused me of ruining the friendship and that I was a poisonous person because I labelled people as racist (even though I didn’t use that word). I got a barrage of nasty texts completely slating me whilst also telling me that the man should have been flattered that she thought he looked like an ape because they are “really cute” and “I was just meaning he was cute, like that and you’ve turned it into something evil”.

Needless to say the friendship never recovered. Not only that but I lost all our mutual friends who took her side and accused me of “playing the race card.”

Anyway, it was a devastating time and I can imagine how you feel. Sometimes it’s not just about the specific friend, it also shakes your faith in the human race in general. It’s hard to believe people can be that casually anti-Semitic or racist and it makes you realise that anyone can hold those views, even people you thought were nice and trusted and wanted to be close to.

I don’t know what the answer is, I really don’t. I’m just sorry you’ve experienced it too

She's been a total dick and you called her on it, she hasn't apologised and now you're begging her to come to Christmas. She's never going to apologise as she doesn't have to - she can do anything she wants and you'll still play ball as she's had a tough few years. I wonder if your sil is as distressed about her not coming as you are - I suspect not! Don't let people treat you like shit op!

I'm not Jewish but I'd ditch her in a heartbeat. The original comment was bad enough but her subsequent behaviour suggests she's a nasty, manipulative piece of work. Plenty of us go through tough times, grief, etc and don't act like that.

She's making out that you are in the wrong - and you're not.

I understand you are concerned about your friend as she is having a hard time. But this does not give her the right to treat you and your friend this way.

Her grief does not give her the right to insult and abuse her friends then pull but I'm grieving card to excuse her behaviour.

Try to let her live with the choices she has made and enjoy your Christmas with you family.

She's not fragile, and her hard times don't excuse her. Lots of people have shit happen to them, and they don't turn into toxic racists.

As others have pointed out, she's not your friend, she's your abuser. Abusers ALWAYS play the victim and always fake their fragility.

I'm another one who wouldn't remain friends with an anti-semite anyway

She behaved dreadfully. Even before you mentioned the anti semitic comments, I was thinking she sounded like a nightmare (the refusing to tolerate dissent etc).

Whatever she is going through in her personal life - it's not an excuse. End of.

She's lonely and fragile because she's a bitch and an anti-Semitic one to boot. I'm really sorry you're going through this, but I agree she's trained you to be a passive partner and just back her up all the time, no matter what. Real friends don't make you walk on eggshells because they've had a hard time and want to make nasty comments about everyone else. Ain't we all had a hard time? Two friends of mine died this year, does that give me the right to be nasty about other people? No. Honestly, I think you'll be better off without her in your life. At the very best end of the scale, if she got some therapy and worked on not being a bitch, she may salvage her own life, but that kind of behaviour screams control freak bitch from the rooftops. You also mention her needing you, hinting that you're rescuing her. Not your job, she is the only one who can make this better. I'd cut ties completely, sorry (not sorry).

I remember very clearly some years ago now, members of my family, close friends, significant people in our day to day lives were dropping like flies. In less than 3 years 7 people died, the last two were my mum (wh lived with us) and my little brother - those two were 6 weeks apart. The week after my brother die, dd's guinea pigs died and our beautiful cat was run over and also died. DD had turned 10 years old only a month before mum died. Can you imagine what that must have been l.ike for such a ittle girl? Furthermore, dh was so busy grieving my mum's death that he was of n practical use to anyone, was behavig r erratically and stoking up the fires rather than helping me keep things going and do what was needed, both vis a vis the deaths but also wrt day to day life - making sure dd was fed etc.

My ms took a turn for the worse and I needed even more help.

DH was a twat. DD was not, and nor was I.

You can have tragedy in your life, awful times. You can be self-indulgent, look at how awful my life is, see what I have suffered, like dh did.

Or you can not.

OP, I think you are confusing an old friend with a good friend.

You say you go back to primary school, 30 years, she is part of the furniture of your life. You have known her a very very long time. And I suspect you are still looking at her as she was all those years ago. It's normal, we all do this. Our opinion is formed about something, and we stick with it even when new information comes our way that should affect that opinion - we cling to the familiar. I think this is what you are doing here - you are reacting to the person she WAS, not the person she is NOW.

Over the 30 years you have known each other you have both grown and changed. We all do. Your loyalty is to the person she was, but it sounds as if that person is long gone - if she ever was? I wonder if the younger you admired her? You certainly seem to be dealing with an idealised version of her, rather than the flesh and bile blood woman in front of you.

• Her other friends did not fall away - they were either driven off by her nasty behaviour towards them, or decided independently they didn't like who she had become.
• She is not fragile - she is a bull in a china shop.
• It's not that she can''t handle negativity - she brooks no insurrection and demands complete obedience and subservience.

She's also very manipulative. Read your own words with that thought in mind:
"When I called another relative out for being horrendously sexist a few years ago he was mortified and came back to me the next day abashed and full of apologies (sincere). In this case my friend has now cancelled coming to Christmas. She says she can’t be around people who have negative feelings towards her as she has enough of those in her life "

SHE IS TOTALLY IN THE WRONG. But by whining and giving you a hard time, she makes out it's your fault and that you should be the one to make it better. And like a good little skivvy, you're chasing after her saying "Please come for Christmas! Pretty, pretty please! I won't mention a word of your nastiness, honestly! Please come!" As someone else posted, she is training you. She is manipulating her.

I think you need to have a long hard think about why you cut her so much undeserved slack. You keep saying she's had a hard time. This does not surprise me - I expect these hard times have originated in her own behaviour and mindset. You do not owe her. I think you need to ask yourself why you seem to think that you do.

manipulating you not her

I’ve sent texts asking her to come, Ive told her I care about her etc that’s all I can do for now

Hang on, she made an anti Semitic remark (and I assume she knows your family were jewish), but it's you that feeling sorry and chasing after her to make things better?

It's all about her, isn't it? Going by your OP it's always all about her.

Narcissists don't make good friends. I found this out recently too, to my cost.

Just say that you are not going to apologise for pulling people up on racist remarks, and they you will be there whenever she chooses to get in touch.

Then leave it. Don't text her. Don't apologise for what you did. Just leave it.

Imo she would very easily throw you under a bus. You may be the subject of a hate campaign. Do you have mutual friends?

The thing about people like this is they have an astonishing ability to get others on their side. They are so plausible. You end up amazed others can't see through them.

This is my experience. I lost a lot of mutual friends because I wouldn't back down to a narcissist's unreasonable demands. The narcissist was someone I had previously considered to be a good friend, but as soon as they realised they couldn't control me, I was their target. They made stuff up, harassed me, and quite deliberately drove me out of the friendship group.

It's shit, but it's a really common story.

I have absolutely no doubt that what happened is being retold to your mutual friends, but with a very different slant.

Ok. I’m really quite annoyed now. She doesn’t like the way I’ve tried to move on (ie come on, let’s put it behind us, Come for christmas, I wrote a few friendly emails and. She ignored them for 24 hours). She feels she’s apologised and drawn a line under the Jewish comment. She doesn’t want to talk about it anymore.

However what I said about pulling her up on her single woman comment is apparently completely untrue. She never said it, she says. And she wants to discuss it and sort it out with a brief conversation or letter in the new year because she’s not ready to draw a line under it as I’ve iffended her.
We have to wait till then as she won’t be coming for Christmas. Actually her mother is relieved she’s not coming (she says) because she wasn’t feeling well anyway (she hasn’t told my sister in law yet who invites her and her mum and her son every year).

I gave a short answer saying I’d like to put a line under it and she said that wasn’t fair and she responded to the anti Semitic thing and now I’ve got to respond because I’ve hurt her feelings by saying she did something negative about single
Mothers which means I’m being sympathetic to her when she pours her heart out to me and she needs to be more careful what she tells
Me ...and she concluded.. “let’s take a break for now”.

I’ve said I’m sorry you feel that way. I wish you were coming for Christmas. Everyone will miss you” and that’s it. I’m angry that half of xmas eve has been taken up with this pathetic shirt.

All this drama because I called her out on an anti Semitic comment. I’m feeling fucking cross and loosing sympathy fast.

I’m being sympathetic to her when she pours her heart out to me and she needs to be more careful what she tells Me ...and she concluded.. “let’s take a break for now”.

"unsympathetic" not sympathetic

And actually, I'm quite annoyed she just decided to pull out of Christmas Eve at the last minute. She didn't think about my family planning to have her there, or the fact she's invited every year to my family event, or whether it will be problematic to other people. She didn't even bother to write to my sister in law to tell her, just left it to me to relay it. I'm crosser than maybe I should be, and it's forgivable, but I'm really cross that it's being turned back onto me.

Stop backtracking for her and making excuses for her. She sounds like a selfish Mare with no thought for anyone but herself. She may be fragile but she has no need to be a bitch to you. She's making you dance to her 'poor little me' tune big time.

Seriously OP just put it to one side and forget about it. Ignore any other messages while you digest how utterly self absorbed and manipulative she's being you haven't done anything wrong here apart from maybe entertaining her shit.

Crikey she's really turned it round onto you, hasn't she? She's very manipulative here.

OP, if it hadn't been the (disgusting) anti semetic comment, it would have been something else. She has messed up and its up to her to sort it out. Don't contact her any more, just wait and see if she is prepared to put the work in to patch this friendship up.

I'm sorry I offended you mean I'm sorry that you're so uptight/emotional/precious. It's a thinly veiled insult.

Friendships aren't supposed to be this hard. Yes, sometimes you'll have hard times or be frustrated with each other but these are for short periods of time, not an ongoing thing.

I'm sorry she's gone through what she has but she's lonely due to her own behaviour.

I'm not a big fan of conflict either (who is?) but I will take unbridgeable if I need to or keep it to myself.

If I dislike someone it's for what they have done not them being a Jew.

I'm half expecting the old I'm in hospital routine over Christmas at some point here, she sounds that extreme.

Are you familiar with the term DARVO, loosenknot ?

It stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It was coined about abusive people (mainly about sex offenders), but it's known to be a fairly effective tactic by abusive people generally.

She's denied that she made the comment about single mothers, and denied that she meant real Jews just stereotypical (whatever that means FFS) Jews in her antisemitic comment.

She's attacked you verbally ("she has gone crazy at me down the phone") and I'd classify her 'agitation' at being disagreed with under attack too.

And as for Reverse Victim and Offender - "she’s not ready to draw a line under it as I've offended her."

I'm hoping the scales are beginning to fall from your eyes, loosenknot.

God she sounds more horrible and abusive by the second. Please cut all contact permanently. She's not worth draining your energy for.

If she was a true friend, she would have been embarrassed and held her hands up, not looking to deflect onto you so that you're the one in the wrong. Nor would she be punishing you by dragging this out over Christmas / leaving you to stew.

Problems or no problems, whilst it is nice for you to be there for her you're not a doormat or her whipping post. Frankly, I'd be distancing myself permanently regardless of how long we'd been friends for as her behaviour would be a dealbreaker for me.