friend just made an offensive comment - advice?

[loosenknot]

I have a close friend, who I have known since primary school. She has had an exceptionally hard time over the last three years and I have ltried to be supportive. The hardest part of being supportive is she doesn’t like dissent. SO while I prefer people to point out ways of looking at a situation, this makes her very agitated and I have to keep my mouth closed. She has fallen out with most of her friends.

Today we were on the phone and she was telling me about another friend she has fallen out with over money. I can understand why she is annoyed with her. I tried to put another view point but she got agitated, so, as usual, I kept my mouth shut. . She has never in all the years I’ve known her said anything racist. But she concluded the conversation by saying: " I’m sorry to say this, and I don’t mean to be offensive, but she’s being a typical Jew."

Now, the thing is, I am technically Jewish (i.e. my mothers’s family were all Eastern European jews, and that’s my heritage even though we’re three generation atheist with no cultural association). And I’m not mean, and nor are my family (who have hosted her for Christmas for the last decade - her family, I should say, have also been super generous to us). So I said, very mildly, 'actually I do find that offensive, it’s an offensive comment'. And she got quite cross and put the phone down on me.

She has since texted me to say she can’t deal with any conflict and she’s sorry she’s offended me and she just meant stereotypically jewish (and implied she wouldn't be coming for Christmas, as if I'd disinvited her, which I haven't). Which isn’t the point. I’m not even that offended personally, it’s just an offensive comment, in the manner of all racist comments.

I’ve written her a message explaining that it’s offensive precisely because it’s a stereotype: I’m not mean so does that mean I’m not a stereotypical jew? - and added that of course she should come for Christmas and it wouldn’t be the same without her. This happened recently with another comment about a friend who knowingly conceived as a single parent - she made quite a rude comment about this (because she hates the woman) even though I'm also in the same situation (and I know she doesn't judge me for it).

Not sure how to proceed. I’m certainly not going to loose a friendship over it, but I’m feeling a bit steely, like I'd like an apology.

OP - she sounds very hard work to be around - always having to watch what you say just incase you upset her.

I don't think l would want her around my family as I'd be so on edge worrying what she will come out with.

Only you know how much enjoyment you actually get from this friendship and whether it's worth pursuing.

Semantic aside: I told her I was offended because she made a statement about stereotypical Jews - saying I’m not that stereotype Won’t wash. (I actually said I am offended, it is an offensive comment).

When I called another relative out for being horrendously sexist a few years ago he was mortified and came back to me the next day abashed and full of apologies (sincere). In this case my friend has now cancelled coming to Christmas. She says she can’t be around people who have negative feelings towards her as she has enough of those in her life

I wrote and said I hoped she’d changed her mind. I said I felt she was punishing me. I feel I’ve been a supportive friend and that we’d all like her to come to Christmas and it felt significant if she chose not to (I didn’t say pulling out at the last minute when my sister in law invited her and her son is also rude).

she cannot take criticism of any kind but she is also very fragile and she is also a good person and she is also very unhappy and things have been very very tough for her.

I don’t regret saying what I did though although I do think it’s a bit rich saying she can’t be around people who harbour negativity towards her when she was the one who described Someone as
a ‘typical Jew’.

In the last ten minutes she has gone crazy at me down the phone. I mentioned the single
Mum comment and she says I harbour resentment towards her and all my family will be staring at her and saying she’s a Jew hsting person and she can’t get her thoughts together now and she’ll get back to me in the new year but she’s really hurt that I said what I did about single parents and I should have called her out on it then rather than harbouring ill thoughts at the time (really?).

She was hysterical and slammed the phone down on Me. I just wish she’d say sorry for making an unthinking comment and come for Xmas eve!

She sounds completely self obsessed.
She can make offensive comments to anyone but if they call her out on it its thier fault for upsetting her? She cant be around anyone she has offended and tells her so as they are mean to her?

Tbh sounds like it will be a much happier xmas without walking on eggshells around her in case you.upset her and she kicks off.

I would have had to say to her to grow up.and she has not only let you down but your sil too and how does she view that in her 'negativity scoring'?

She needs to grow up and realise people dont have to pussyfoot around her forever excusing her nastiness. Maybe ask.her to consider why all her friends except you have been lost and who is the common denominator? Real friends dont expect to.be able to be selfish and rude to people and expect them just to take it.

Sorry that she's gone off the deep end and made out you've done something wrong. I hope given time, she'll reassess. Her fragility doesn't excuse being hurtful and doubling down.

If you think there's something worthwhile and salvageable here, then just stay calm and let her come to you. Don't back down on this tho, some lines you need to defend.

Think it's time for a short sharp shock, her behaviour, comments, seem you be losing her a lot of friends, perhaps its time YOU, pointed out, your still her friend after all these years, BUT tell her straight, considering she never seems to say anything offensive, (what she cant see), that she has lost a lot of friends, and point out, that surely, they all cant be wrong.
Tell her straight step back and look in at conversations she has had with people who have been upset by her, and now don't speak to her.
Unfortunately you have let her get away with YOU excepting how she speaks to you, its habit with her.
If you want to keep her as a friend, she needs to know her actions are upsetting, on many occasions, and it cannot continue, to make YOU feel like this, really what have you got to lose??, put her straight, don't debate the subject, tell her how it is, perhaps she may get an insight, of what she has been given out, before she says something really racist etc. Be a friend, but be firm.
Best wishes for 2019.

She's training you - to never make a negative comment to her again. She makes the consequences SO bad you won't go there again. She's already been training you and you have already been selective about what you say and do. Bcs her reaction is so extreme you don't get there again.

I know you say she is basically good and means well and has had a hard time but I don't think she's good or that she means well. I think she will go to extraordinary lengths to make you 'pay' for not behaving in the way she demands, to the letter.

Imo she would very easily throw you under a bus. You may be the subject of a hate campaign. Do you have mutual friends?

The thing about people like this is they have an astonishing ability to get others on their side. They are so plausible. You end up amazed others can't see through them.

OP, you need to get your head together and not let this ruin your Christmas. I know someone like and someone else who 'trains' people as pp mentioned. She needs counselling and lots of it.

TBH, I would be immensely relieved that she's chosen to leave me and my family alone.

She won't though, will she? She'llbe waiting for you to call, apologising for having upset her, begging and pleading for her to come for Xmas after all, trying to 'convince' her (she doesn't need convincing, she just wants you to do it) that no one thinks badly of her, that she's really important to ALL of you, that you'll all be miserable on Xmas day without her there etc etc etc. And if you haven't called her to crawl and beg she'll call you to guilt-trip you further so that you will crawl and beg.

Have fun.

I’m Not relieved. She can be exhausting but she has had a tough time. She had actually been nice about me before I called her on her comment -‘she’d thabked me for being so supportive to her over the last years when. So many of her friends have fallen away. The thing is - she’s not going to change now and I have known her for thirty years - she’s part of the furniture of my life. It is ridiculous that it’s all been turned onto me so somehow it’s my fault for attacking her. I can’t take it seriously even though i know that’s how she feels. I’ve written four texts and said come on now - this is not worth falling out over - let’s put it behind us and come for Xmas. She hasn’t replied and she won’t I guess. I’m rather cross that she has put this cloud over my xmas though I shall do my best to ignore it. She is very isolated and lonely at the moment and really probably needs me. I don’t want to abandon her.
She really did sort of try and apologise as best she can. She is never going to say look I made a mistake - I shouldn’t have said that - I wasn’t thinking. She is not pervasively racist at all. She is hard work though. But she won’t change. I’m actually a bit worried about her. The way she approached Life makes it hard for her.
What I won’t do is apologise for taking offence at the comment

She really needs to think about why her friends have fallen away. Could it be because she thinks she can say whatever she likes to or about them, and when they call her out on it they’re the ones in the wrong? Show her this thread OP. Sounds like you’ve really tried to be a nice friend to her, but she sounds like awfully hard work.

God, don't show her this thread. She'll blow a gasket.

Thing is, op, many people posting here have had close contact with someone like this. We've learnt a lot. Do listen. You talk as if you're the only one who understands her or what she's like. You really aren't.

Whatever you do, don't let her spoil your Christmas! She's full of this sort of thing, has an endless supply if you don't do exactly what she demands. Woe betide you if you cross her, as you have seen.

She's the one who will lose out if she keeps up this monstrous behaviour. Dont, whatever you do, let her ruin your Christmas as well.

She sounds like a complete idiot. I don’t do drama. Could not be dealing with it, life is too short.

Op she must know (being your friend) that your heritage is Jewish?

So why would she make such a nasty comment?

She's clearly a closet Anti Semite - she isn't likely to change, why do you want her as a friend?

A colleague made an anti Semitic remark to me & I called her out on it - she's never repeated anything like it since but I can't trust her anymore & am wary of her.

Even if she remains your friend you won't be able to trust her, you will always wonder what she's really thinking surely?

I would leave it over Christmas, forget about it & enjoy the holiday.
If she contacts you & apologises then fine, going forward you be the one to decide if & when you may want to see her again.
If she doesn't contact you then just let things lie.

Whowouldathunkit - what a load of twaddle!!

Language influences society and treatment of others greatly that's WHY certain words and phrases are agreed to be offensive regardless of the person they're being said to.

Bigotry is ALWAYS offensive regardless of the person it's directed at.

It's a dangerous opinion to hold - that people of a certain race are "all..." Such opinions and dissemination of them has led to/continues to cause wars!

I too don't believe people choose to be offended - that's a weak ass defence usually propounded by the very people who like to cause offence!

I'm a (much lapsed) Catholic and if a friend of mine made a comment like that (none of them would!) they'd have had their arse handed to them! It's a shitty thing to think let alone say regardless of who it's said to!

"Words are how we share ideas and thoughts, they matter." Exactly!

Op you seem determined to placate this person - why?! They're a bigoted, rude, selfish arse!

I'm not bloody surprised she's no friends!

"but she has had a tough time." You keep saying this without explaining exactly how. - I suspect because it's of her own making!

Why are you so willing to be her doormat?

Your friend sounds highly complex , and her own worst enemy. You are a good friend to her, seeing all her good points and making allowances for her. You seem able to love her , but not love her behaviour which is mature, and takes emotional intelligence.
You seem to also realise that you’re not responsible for her happiness, enemy though you’d like her to be happier.
You r said how it is for you, youve left the door open for her, i hope she can find it in herself to see the love you are giving her, and stop getting in her own way.

Sadly, OP, in my experience people who have lost all their other friends will eventually lose you too, usually because of something like this. They can’t forgive perceived slights and everyone falls into the trap eventually. It’s completely understandable that you’re sad about it, but all you can do is hope she will come to you with as much of an apology as she can muster and one which you can find sufficient. I suspect it won’t happen though, but that isn’t your fault.

I wouldve regailed her with a medley of songs from 'Springtime for Hitler' actually but that's just me.

Wildly offensive comment to a friend who is as good to her as you've been. A double whammy.

And like others have said, thats really crossed a line and i couldnt be friends with someone like that.

It seems the reason she's fallen out with her friends is probably because she seems like a horrible cow. I wouldn't want to be friends with her.

Oh just read your last message OP.

STOP MESSAGING HER!

Sorry had to get all shouty there but Narc abuse also happened between platonic friends.

She's on an energy grab and is delivering a Absent Silent treatment. Look at facts

1 - she racially abused you
2- gave a piss poor apology
3 - you still want her round
4 - she's giving you an AST

I percieve at the time she initially said it she expected you to back her up. You point or that it was offensive and she behaves like a twat. This shows she's not very clever but also shows she's opportunistic.

Now she's milking it. I'm angry for you on your behalf OP. She has NOT ruined your Xmas, I guarantee you will have a better time without her.

Google FOG because your fixtures and furniture point sounds like the Obligation part.

I think it's been blown out of proportion. She said a stupid thing out of frustration and I doubt very much she holds strong anti-semetic views.
If I were you I'd sit tight and let her make the next move. After she's thought about it she may just give you the apology you want.
I grew up in an era when racism was rife and it's shocking to look back at it now but you can't re-write history or erase it from your mind. Not excusing her by saying that, just might explain why.

Too old for this: I also think it’s been blown out of all proportion, but not by me. She is very fragile and I suppose part of me knew that she can’t take any ‘negativity’. I do think I’m entitled to say something is offensive, particularly if it is, but there literally no point discussing it further. Im not sure how to get out of this now. I’m not engaging with her apart from sending notes saying come on come for Xmas and let’s put this behind us but I’m getting the silent treatment.

Let her stew for awhile. Or forever, if necessary. She's ashamed and her shame prevents her from coming to you for Christmas.

Whowouldathunkit yeah you’re right. We should all run around using the word “n**r” then blame black people for “choosing to be offended”. I mean, what snowflakes!

I’m A bit irritated I’m getting the silent treatment though (and the fact she hasn’t written back to my s in l). I know her well enough to know she’s down a rabbit hole of grief. I’m going to put it behind me for a few days. I’ve sent texts asking her to come, Ive told her I care about her etc that’s all I can do for now
I am irritated that this is happening at christmas