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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He doesn't want sex!

91 replies

HelloKathy · 21/12/2018 17:40

Advice needed! My patner of 4 years has always had a lower sex drive than me but it wasn't really a problem early in the relationship. The past 2 years have been very frustrating for me. I've tried giving him time and space. I've tried making it obvious that's what I need but he basically just ignores my advances and makes excuses ( he's tired, it's tea time, he has something better to do). He will initiate eventually...we probably have sex once every 4-6 weeks. I'm only 30 and he is 25! How are we ever going to have kids!?
We have a good relationship but I'm worried it's becoming too friend zoney. We spend a lot of time together as we have shared hobbies, friends etc. However we rarely go on dates or do anything romantic.

Is any one else in a similar situation? What should I do???

OP posts:
WeCanBeHeroesJustForOneDay · 21/12/2018 17:47

HelloKathy..Wow, at your age this to me isn’t acceptable, even if you were a lot older & further on with your relationship it sounds doomed to fail. I think you may need to bail on this one but remain good friends & look for someone who is more compatible in these areas as if you stay it will get worse not better there’s no doubt about that. You will begin to feel frustrated, bored & alone if you continue along in this relationship. I hope you don’t get pregnant with this guy as he doesn’t sound the one for you, get out while you only have yourself to consider & no child as well.

Cherries101 · 21/12/2018 17:51

It sounds like he isn’t attracted to you any more. Have it out with him, make it clear what you want, and leave if you must . You’re still young, you can do better than this.

ADastardlyThing · 21/12/2018 17:56

You just need to decide if you can be in this relationship. If there aren't any health issues causing his low sex drive he's just got a low sex drive which is actually fine if he's matched with someone similar. I wouldn't say once a month is necessarily low low though.

One thing that stood out, you mention he'll say it's tea time as an excuse.....are you 'pestering' him quite a bit? There's nothing more off putting than someone who goes on about sex if you're not up for it imo.

Original poster
HelloKathy · 21/12/2018 18:19

I am trying not to pester him.....I get that trying it on if he's not interested is a pain. I try leaving in and nothing happens, I try being more forward and nothing happens. And when I say more forward I'm not talking suspenders and hotel nights here, just trying to make out etc...

OP posts:
Whocansay · 21/12/2018 18:27

I think you should accept that this is who he is and cut your losses. There are numerous reasons why he might be like this - none of them good for you. It won't improve. Just leave now.

IHaveBrilloHair · 21/12/2018 18:28

Walk away now.

category12 · 21/12/2018 18:34

Well, this is as good as your sex life with him is going to get. Can you be happy this way for the next forty years?

Personally I'd want more than this.

And if you want kids, you've still got time to split up and find someone else now. If you stick out a few more years with him, your fertility is going to drop and your chances diminish as it goes on.

Wonkydonkey44 · 21/12/2018 18:35

I agree walk away , this is not going to get any better no matter what u do.
X

Arnoldthecat · 21/12/2018 18:44

Im male,,i think you both need to have a very open, honst and possibly painful conversation. That may well end up with te end of your relationship being signalled.

Original poster
HelloKathy · 21/12/2018 19:10

Thanks for the advice so far. Yes an opem homest conversation is deffo needed.....

OP posts:
CupsAndPentacles · 21/12/2018 19:15

I'd break it off. It won't improve.

LadyPasserine · 21/12/2018 19:15

Is this a reverse of the mansplaining thread earlier?

Doobee · 21/12/2018 19:18

This happened to a friend of mine. They were best of friends. She stuck it out for 5 years because he was such a lovely, gorgeous fella but he just wasn’t into nookie. He’s now seeing a bloke and seems very happy. Just saying, could he be into the opposite sex?

Original poster
HelloKathy · 21/12/2018 19:24

I'm pretty sure its not that!

OP posts:
ConfusedDH · 21/12/2018 19:59

It seams as though the advice here is go straight to end the relationship and do not pass go...

Yet when men post similar, the responses tend to focus on house hold chore splits, mental load, being fit and healthy, hygiene, taking pressure off, foot massages, running hot baths with candles etc - basically anything but finishing the relationship.

Interesting.

Original poster
HelloKathy · 21/12/2018 20:03

Yes it's deffinately not that clear cut in my mind. There is a lot going for our relationship and if the shoe was on the other foot I'm not sure how I would feel.

OP posts:
Original poster
HelloKathy · 21/12/2018 20:05

Basically I'm confused. We love eachother but is love without sex/romance enough?

OP posts:
thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 21/12/2018 20:06

Confused DH nine times out of ten those situations are because the OP’s female partner has just given birth/she’s going through a particular rough patch with the menopause/he leaves all the childcare and housework to her and she’s knackered whereas he’s full of beans because he’s got bugger all to do other than go to work and come home and eat his tea that she’s cooked Hmm Not the same.

VI0LET · 21/12/2018 20:12

No one else can tell you if love without sex is enough for you.

If you are happy with this and you don’t want kids , then good luck to you.

This won’t get any better as he gets older, if anything it will get worse. And your sex drive will remain or get stronger as you go through your 30s.

I assume he’s tried all the usual things - seeing the doctor, giving up porn? Or doesn’t he see it as a problem ?

category12 · 21/12/2018 20:15

Also, common theme of men coming here with similar problem is they tend to ask does this make it OK to buy sex/cheat. Which is why they tend to get short shrift. Hmm

Waddsup12 · 21/12/2018 20:16

Yep, it won't get better. Got to think if it's a deal breaker.

Original poster
HelloKathy · 21/12/2018 20:43

I honestly don't think he sees it as a problem, basically like wanting sex is some sort of amusing personal trait of mine

OP posts:
Thespace · 21/12/2018 20:51

There are many threads on here about men with a low sex drive. Could just be as simple as that.

Hopoindown31 · 21/12/2018 20:52

Love how the obvious double standard gets explained away by making sweeping generalisations... Hmm

OP, you need to have a proper talk and see if this is fixible. You won't get decent advice on here.

Waddsup12 · 21/12/2018 20:53

Yep, mine tweeted on about cuddles being more important. Bollox.

We're still together, 20 years on & I adore him but it's still an issue.