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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He doesn't want sex!

91 replies

HelloKathy · 21/12/2018 17:40

Advice needed! My patner of 4 years has always had a lower sex drive than me but it wasn't really a problem early in the relationship. The past 2 years have been very frustrating for me. I've tried giving him time and space. I've tried making it obvious that's what I need but he basically just ignores my advances and makes excuses ( he's tired, it's tea time, he has something better to do). He will initiate eventually...we probably have sex once every 4-6 weeks. I'm only 30 and he is 25! How are we ever going to have kids!?
We have a good relationship but I'm worried it's becoming too friend zoney. We spend a lot of time together as we have shared hobbies, friends etc. However we rarely go on dates or do anything romantic.

Is any one else in a similar situation? What should I do???

OP posts:

WhoKnewBeefStew · 21/12/2018 21:04

Could you talk to him about upping the affection, cuddles, kisses (ok not full on snogging), holding hands, even sitting on the same sofa at night and him rubbing your feet. A lovely cuddle at night before sleep may make you feel closer. I don’t have a Hugh six drive but I couldn’t live with someone who showed me no affection. Thankfully my dh is very very affectionate and touchy felt without being sexual all the time.

It might help you feel more desired and wanted and loved and leave it up to him re the sex.

You say you have sex maybe every 6 weeks, is this you initiating it or him?

Sisterlove · 21/12/2018 21:12

It really isn't 9 out of 10 times women who have just given birth or are menopausal.

It seems women are never ylto blame whether they have a high or low drive.

OTOH a man is labelled a sex pest and a host of other things.

OP I'd he's tired at 25 with no DC, then it's only going to get worse. On this level you're incompatible.

Original poster

HelloKathy · 21/12/2018 21:25

He is affectionate like that (cuddles, kissing etc.) But I mean more in terms of going out on dates together. We do spend time together but yeah it's not exactly in a romantic sense. Maybe it's me and my sex drive is too high!

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 21/12/2018 21:27

You've moved into the friendzone as far as he's concerned. If you want a relationship you'll have to go elsewhere I'm afraid.

Scott72 · 21/12/2018 21:34

A normal straight guy that age should want sex more than once a month even if he had lost attraction to you! There is a small possibility he's gay, although its far more likely he's just naturally low libido/borderline asexual.

This isn't going to get any better. This is how he is. Break up with him.

adreamofspring · 21/12/2018 21:47

how are we ever going to have kids? is this something that he wants? Do you think he’s anxious about you getting pregnant?

Dirtybadger · 21/12/2018 21:49

If he hasn't had much sex drive since he was 22 then he aint gonna suddenly develop one.

Is he on any medication?

Getoffthetableplease · 21/12/2018 21:51

This happened with us, it eventually transpired he had a secret porn addiction, I hasten to add we are no longer together after 10 years of lies and generally him not opening up.

DBML · 21/12/2018 22:00

Hi op!

I was having the same problem with my DH and I know how awful it can make you feel.

After talking, DH told me that it wasn’t me, the desire had just gone. I told him that as much as I loved him, a sexless relationship wouldn’t be possible for me. DH went to the doctors and was diagnosed with very low testosterone. He was started on gels which didn’t work and then three monthly injections which still didn’t work. Then the injections had to be given every 6-8 weeks and BAM! Suddenly DH is like a teenager again and not only has his sex drive gone through the roof, his energy for life is back!!
Low testosterone is awful, so perhaps you can persuade you DP to visit his doctor just to be sure, as low T has worse side effects than low sex drive to worry about.

Original poster

HelloKathy · 22/12/2018 09:11

Update:
We had a talk last night. I told him it makes me feel like a creep when I try to get intimate and he shrugs me off. Like a pest. He was appologetic and said he didnt want for me to feel luke that and that if he feels stressed he can't think about sex. I said it's not normal for a 25 year old to be so stressed all the time that he doesnt want sex and we are only going to get older and busier so he needs to sort out tge stress feelings.
Yes I am worried about getting pregnant as Ive bern diagnosed with pcos. I did some research which said still a good percentage if women get preg in the first year if have sex 2-3 times a week. When I bought this up last week he basically said no chance! I bought it up last night and he said not to worry about it

We are supposed to be going to see his fam today and I really don't feel like showing up and playing haply families. There have been numerous times in the past when he hasn't shown for my family functions so why should I make the effort.

OP posts:

ConfusedDH · 22/12/2018 09:22

Not sure about "not normal to feel stressed all the time at 25".

People can suffer from stress and anxiety at any time in their life and I myself was stressed to bursting at 25 - it really depends on each person's individual circumstances.

Original poster

HelloKathy · 22/12/2018 09:34

Okay well lets say not healthy then....

OP posts:

AgentJohnson · 22/12/2018 09:47

There’s nothing wrong with your sex drive or his for that matter but it isn’t wise to pursue a relationship with someone with whom you identified a fundamental incompatibility.

The status quo prevails and as someone who benefits from the social quo he’s not in any hurry to change it, which leaves the ball in your court, not his.

CheshireSplat · 22/12/2018 09:53

I've always had a higher sex drive than DH which did upset me, but it wasn't a big enough factor for me to end the relationship. A dozen years on we have 2 DC and occasional sex. Conceiving wasn't an issue, it's not that he didn't like it, just couldn't be bothered and TTC gave us a reason to do it. Its fine with me now, I got used to it.

But it has to be right for each individual. Only you can make this choice.

Dirtybadger · 22/12/2018 10:00

I was very stressed at 25. I spent a lot of my free time crying and contemplating death to avoid my stressful job. I still get very stressed but it's not as chronic.

But I still have sex with DP because a massage and a kiss and sex etc gets me out of my head and helps with the stress.

But I don't want sex when I'm stressed. It would be inappropriate for DP to "try it on" when I am so clearly stressed/upset. It happens via a very slow build up. For example I might run myself a bath or have a shower and then ask DP to lay with me after or get a quick massage, etc. And then I can relax a little.

Long term your DP does need to do something for himself if he is suffering from chronic stress which is essentially affecting his home life. E.g. see a doctor. Or change jobs. Depending in if he is reacting to normal levels if stress poorly, or if his job is just not sustainable in terms of stress.

But really if was 22 when this started stress or no stress I would think his sex drive is still going to be considerably lower than yours (bar a medical issue such as low T or the effects or SSRIs if he is on them or something).

Going from once a month to 2-3 times a week isn't realistical, I don't think....Maybe once a fortnight or week is a more realistic goal if you are actually both committed to reconnecting physically. It doesn't sound like he actually wants to, though.

vuripadexo · 22/12/2018 10:00

What is the point of nagging him? This is his sex drive. And stress isn't going away. Accept it or leave.

Any ultimatum you give him won't work in the long run. He doesn't want to have more sex!

Dirtybadger · 22/12/2018 10:01

I would say if you're trying to conceive in the future then if the only sex your having is his "duty" sex for a baby be careful of this damaging the sexual dynamic further still....

Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 22/12/2018 10:13

Is he on any medication that could be to blame?

Original poster

HelloKathy · 22/12/2018 10:31

No medication to blame. I think this stress he's describing is more like anxiety. He's constantly worried about day to day things like getting to places on time, his car breaking down, worried about money (even though we both have enough) etc. Which I totally get would be distracting. I think this is probably the source of the issue. He needs to be able to let himself relax.....

OP posts:

showmeshoyu · 22/12/2018 10:35

And now he's almost certainly anxious about sex. But there are so many moving parts, are you having the kind of sex he likes? Have you physically changed (men are often fickle in that way). Does he feel inadequate in the relationship in general?

But anxiety sounds a good a reason as any.

category12 · 22/12/2018 10:38

What's the rest of the relationship like? Are you happy in it apart from the mismatch in libido?

You sound resentful about the family functions he hasn't attended for you - is that because you're upset today? Or is it on-going that he makes little effort in the relationship and you do the hard-lifting?

What do you want in life, OP? "Not worrying" about potential problems TTC in the future is OK when you're a bloke and 25, not so much for a 30yr old woman with PCOS.

category12 · 22/12/2018 10:41

I don't think it's anxiety when there's always been a mismatch in sex drives between them. It's not like he's had a sudden drop in interest that correlates with stress or life-changes, is it? Sounds more like he never had a high sex-drive and it's just as time has gone on, the OP finds it harder to live with.

Scott72 · 22/12/2018 14:42

Blaming it on stress is an excuse. He just naturally has a very low libido. Its possible this has a diagnosable medical cause, such as low testosterone. However I get the impression he's unwilling to go the doctor about it. He seems unwilling to even acknowledge there is a issue. You are fundamentally incompatible.

oiiiiiii · 22/12/2018 15:10

You reeeeallllly need to not focus on the reasons/excuses for low drive.

You're describing a person who is of a neurotic type, anxious, prone to worry, with a very low sex drive. The way you're describing him sort of implies that you think he should/can change this? Or that because there's apparently a "reason" for his low drive, that it's somehow something you need to accept?

If that's what you're leaning towards please give your head a wobble.

Your sex drives are woefully mismatched. Don't do this to yourself. Don't do this to him. End it now and find someone who you fit with naturally. No one should be in a relationship where they have to completely renovate themselves in order to meet the needs of their partner... This guy is who he is, leave him to it and let him find a woman who would love him as he is.

And set yourself free to be with someone who makes you feel good, and who will shag a baby into you with gusto!

Gina2012 · 22/12/2018 15:15

How are we ever going to have kids!?

Why would you want children with someone you are sexually incompatible with?

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