He doesn't want sex!

[HelloKathy]

Advice needed! My patner of 4 years has always had a lower sex drive than me but it wasn't really a problem early in the relationship. The past 2 years have been very frustrating for me. I've tried giving him time and space. I've tried making it obvious that's what I need but he basically just ignores my advances and makes excuses ( he's tired, it's tea time, he has something better to do). He will initiate eventually...we probably have sex once every 4-6 weeks. I'm only 30 and he is 25! How are we ever going to have kids!?
We have a good relationship but I'm worried it's becoming too friend zoney. We spend a lot of time together as we have shared hobbies, friends etc. However we rarely go on dates or do anything romantic.

Is any one else in a similar situation? What should I do???

I think you have to accept (and plenty of others have posted similar problems) that it won't get better, or if it does it will be temporary. He probably does love you but not as a lover, and no relationship survives long term with a fulfilling sexual relationship. It is a deal breaker for me. Sometimes I feel I need cuddling with gentle tender sex, and other times, well I just need him to be plain dirty and fuck me (sorry TMI) But either way it is still the intimacy that makes me feel he loves me, desires me and wants me.

"and who will shag a baby into you with gusto"

I feel like Unchained Melody should be playing as the ghost of Norah Batty reads this post to me. Only then will I understand the subtle mystery of romance.

This isn't going to change. He's very young to have such a low libido. Time for a serious talk, I reckon, put your cards on the table. If you love him and want to build your life with him, including children, then changes need to be made. I think you'd be happier with someone different.

One possible cause of low libido and anxiety in men is low testosterone. Has he ever considered this and asked his doctor for a hormone test?

The only possible way that you might both resolve this is if he is willing to
A. admit there is a problem
B. you both seek help whether medical or counselling
If he insists on continuing to hide his head in the sand then the relationship is doomed.

Wow ok, shoe on the other foot here. I'm female, in 30s, DH same age and I'm very much the one who only lets it happen every 4-6 weeks. I know he'd like more. It 100% isn't that I don't find him attractive. It isn't that he doesn't help round the house or that we have tiny children. I genuinely am pretty much perma stressed, I'm a v anxious person naturally and can only feel sexual if I'm mentally relaxed. Yes, I've had cbt etc to try and sort myself out...it helped a bit. And I've tried just 'pushing through' and doing it anyway because of a sense of duty & guilt & because everyone tells you the more you have it the more you'll want it...not so. A few times I ended up in tears as it was so awful trying to make my body do things my head just wasn't in the same space for. And essentially it felt like rape even though I was agreeing to it. My DH is an understanding and lovely person so of course he doesn't want that.When we go away on holiday a d there's nothing to worry about and o can just relax, we tend to have lots lots more sex so I firmly believe it's just high pressured lifestyles totally stress me out & kill my libido. But all these comments about just leave him if your libidos aren't compatible frankly terrify me. Sometimes it truly isn't that simple...I'd be gutted if DH left me.

Thanks for replying it's good to hear from the opposite perspective. Yes I'm shocked by how many people have said to leave him! Until recently I have been happy to have less sex than I would naturally want because a) hes a lovely guy and I want a future with him and b) if I wait for him to initiate then I know its his decision. The sex we do have btw is great
It's become more of a worry now the idea of having kids has come into the equation which is kind of why it's suddenly freaked me out! And to ther person who said why would you want kids with someone you dont want sex with.....well there's more to being a good dad and partner than sex surely!!

But all these comments about just leave him if your libidos aren't compatible frankly terrify me. Sometimes it truly isn't that simple...I'd be gutted if DH left me.

You can be as gutted as you like but the fact is that going without sexual contact is very painful for some people. In those cases, that's even more gutting than ending the relationship.

At least if you end it you have a chance at happiness and sexual fulfilment with a different partner. As long as you're in a relationship with someone who can't bear to have sex, the pain continues unabated.

And to ther person who said why would you want kids with someone you dont want sex with.....well there's more to being a good dad and partner than sex surely!!

It's really difficult to be a good partner when you don't want to have sex with a partner who wants to have sex. Sorry. There's not much of a way around that. Folk don't like to hear it but you won't find an adequate argument to contradict that.

Yes he could be a good dad. But that's not enough to sustain a relationship. Again - you can hate that as much as you like but thems the breaks.

Do whatever you like op, but understand that when children come into the picture, you'll find you have much less emotional energy. Ime, when you have less emotional energy - it becomes harder and harder to cope with things like lack of sexual contact. You lose the ability to talk yourself into being ok with it. It can become devastating to the relationship, and even more so to your own self esteem.

It sounds like you've already decided you're going to continue with him and that's your choice, but understand that the people here are speaking from actual experience in many cases. You don't seem to fully understand what you're signing up for.

But yes. Your choice.

I think the point is more of you deciding whether it's a dealbreaker for you.

What you can't expect is for it to get magically better and you shouldn't hang on to the relationship if he needs to change significantly for you to be happy.

You said that your chap has a lower sex-drive than you, and that's always been the case. He doesn't see that there's a problem. So this is how it is.

You have to be very clear-eyed about whether the lack of sex is going to get harder for you to cope with (as it has done in the last 2 years), and what implications it may have for TTC (and his attitude of "don't worry about it" regarding TTC, given your PCOS).

He may be a lovely guy and you may decide the trade-off is worth it. But to repeat myself from earlier, what is the rest of the relationship like? You sounded resentful about the family functions he hasn't attended for you - was that just because you were upset today? Or is it on-going that he makes little effort in the relationship to do things for you and you do the emotional hard-lifting?

But all these comments about just leave him if your libidos aren't compatible frankly terrify me. Sometimes it truly isn't that simple...I'd be gutted if DH left me.

I loved my husband but not having sex very often was crushing. I ended up feeling unloved, rejected, lonely and in the end resentful.
Luckily my husband sought medical help and is now being treated. Things are wonderful! But had he refused to acknowledge the problem, I have no doubt that in the end the physical ache and the emotional pain would have forced me to look elsewhere and I would have ended our relationship (which began when we were 16 and now we are 39).

Lack of sexual compatibility is indeed a dealbreaker to even the strongest seeming of couples. I’m not saying that will happen to you, but I’m just saying that part of being a partnership is meeting the needs of one another, particularly if you are expecting monogamy. Just my opinion though.

@category12
Yea there have been several times when he hasn't been there for certain things, even when there has been plenty of notice. Most upsettingly for me was a family wedding that he had a years notice for and he only booked a day off so dissappeared half way through the evening. Its like hes so worried about making a good impression at work that other things get ignored. We also got invited to another wedding recently which is next year. Hes already said he cant make it even though its months away.....yes I feel like I have had to make sacrifices in this relationship that havent been reciprocated. And its not because hes mean or a bad person but I think probably lacks the confidence to deal with the alternative. Eg we have moved to be by his family, he made it obvious that living in my home area wasnt an option. Even so we dont really see his family that often I just think he likes the security of being somewhere familiar

So you're giving up a lot of what you want and need to be with him, and he's neither recognising that nor making efforts in return.

I know you don't want to hear it particularly, but that's not sustainable. Your resentment will grow, and he'll just be complacent that you'll continue to subordinate your needs to his. He already doesn't take your sexual needs seriously - basically like wanting sex is some sort of amusing personal trait of mine.

It may be rooted in his mental health issues(?)/anxiety, but is he doing anything to work on those?

No hes not but I think your right. Its all to do with not being able to switch off and enjoy whats going on there and then I suppose.

Am a bloke and I've been here. I don't think yours fancies you, sorry.. You're great friends but that's it. You need someone who perceives you in a far more sexualised way and the fact that you hang out together and have common interests will never become a substitute for that. You could try a frank talk with him but in my experience that may make little difference. His perception of you needs to change radically. If you call it a day he may well meet someone with whom there is that sexual charge, as may you. There's no guarantee, but if you stay together you can be pretty sure of a lifetime wondering what if.

So, let me just get this straight (and bookmarked) - from reading this thread, I take it that if a woman has mental health or anxiety issues and doesn't want as much sex as her husband, she needs to "take her husbands sexual needs seriously", "acknowledge the problem", "seek medical help" or risk her husband leaving her?

Because that is much of the advice here.

Confused I think anyone male or female in that situation should acknowledge the effect it may be having on the relationship and their partner. And if it’s causing a serious issue then yes seeking help seems like a very appropriate thing to do.

Ignoring the problem doesn't seem to be a good long-term strategy shrugs tough call.

You don't need to have lots of sex to conceive. You just have to do it once at the right time. And there's plenty of things out there to help you know when is the right time.
So that really not something to worry about

It just seems to contradict the advice given by many women to men in the same situation.

As PP has said he really should have his testosterone levels checked. Untreated hypogonadism will substantially increase his risk of cardiovascular disease on top of the low libido, etc.

My DH went through this. After 3 days of testosterone replacement therapy with the transdermal gel he was pestering me for sex.

@ConfusedDH do you want to start your own thread or something? Fwiw yes when women come on here and say they aren't shagging their husbands hardly at all, yes, my typical advice is to either set the poor man free and/or allow him to have sex with others. Unless he's ok with little sex, in which case that's fine too, then everyone gets on with it

There’s a big difference between your situation and people 10-20 years your senior, who’ve been together for a long time and have children. They’re not really comparable. I was in your situation two years ago and can only echo the views of others here who’ve said that if it’s this bad this early on, before you even have children, it’s highly unlikely to get any better.

Are you willing to live like this for the rest of your life, with your self-esteem gradually being eroded? It sounds like he’s quite happy to carry on this way, but if you want a normal sex life then you’ll probably have to look elsewhere. I’ve left now, but I flogged a dead horse for years. I’d urge you to cut your losses while you’re still young enough to meet someone with whom you can have the full relationship and children that you want.

BTW, I’m still single but I don’t regret leaving; in fact, I only wish I’d done so sooner and not wasted years of my twenties in a virtually sexless relationship.

To me it sounds like this relationship has other issues apart from his libido. He is a lovely but weak bloke whose passion and commitment to you and your relationship doesn’t match yours. For whatever reason.

The resentment will grow massively if you have children. I think you are trying to talk yourself into staying and that it enough.

Red flags are waving I think. I’m sorry OP but I think you aren’t matched on many levels, you are at a crossroads thinking about children and are rightly freaking out. Listen to that.