He doesn't want sex!

[HelloKathy]

Advice needed! My patner of 4 years has always had a lower sex drive than me but it wasn't really a problem early in the relationship. The past 2 years have been very frustrating for me. I've tried giving him time and space. I've tried making it obvious that's what I need but he basically just ignores my advances and makes excuses ( he's tired, it's tea time, he has something better to do). He will initiate eventually...we probably have sex once every 4-6 weeks. I'm only 30 and he is 25! How are we ever going to have kids!?
We have a good relationship but I'm worried it's becoming too friend zoney. We spend a lot of time together as we have shared hobbies, friends etc. However we rarely go on dates or do anything romantic.

Is any one else in a similar situation? What should I do???

OP I think what your gut is telling you is your future looks like new concessions/resentments on top of old ones (frustrations around TTC). This is what your future looks like with him.

I do agree with @SonataDonata that there's a big difference between the OPs situation and that of someone who has been with their partner a very long time and has children. But only because she's still in a place where technically she has less to lose and can afford to be 'selfish' about her needs. I don't think age comes into it. As I've said, I'm only similar age to OPs partner but our sex life is as infrequent as theirs due to me. However we have been together over 10 years and have children together.

In that situation, would everybody on here honestly advocate splitting up a family on the grounds that Mummy & Daddies sex life wasn't frequent enough??? To further add to it, the sex we do have is really great. We are constantly affectionate with each other. And I can absolutely vouch for the fact that I do not see my DH as just a companion not a lover...I often look at him and think phwoar or I'm so glad he's mine. Just the physical act of sex when my mind isn't relaxed is quite horrific. And that then isn't enjoyable for him either, especially when he knows how awesome it can be when we are both engaged. He says he'd rather be with me despite this than with anybody else getting more....so for all those saying a partner with lower libido should set the other partner free, what if they don't want to be?

I'm only putting myself out there to answer these comments as I identify so much with what the OP is saying her partner says and do think possibly there might be truth to it. Now admittedly I've had tons of therapy etc to try and work on things. it hasn't really helped - I'm just a naturally very wound up person, & so might he be. But perhaps he should at least show willing to try. We have also tried scheduling sex times....whilst I find it very traumatic to force myself when not in the zone, it might not be so bad for your partner OP so maybe at least worth a go. Though I am trying to imagine a male version of myself forcing bits of himself to go up and down like Meccano sets if not feeling it and not sure how that'd work!

On a much simpler level, does he make you feel loved the rest of the time? are you affectionate outside sex? and does he seem as committed to wanting children as you do? You are still without ties and if those things don't match up, I think I'd be more worried about that.

You could leave and find someone you had the hottest most regular sex ever with. Then the kids come along. Or god forbid one of you has an injury or illness which impacts sexual performance. Or over the years libido tails off. What then....would you ultimately rather have been with this partner now in this position, or someone else? For me, I disagree that sex is the make or breaker of all relationships. I think friendship, support, chemistry, trust and fun plus shared values are much more important.

Maybe my DH will leave me one day because of it. But I'm truly shocked by the general attitude on here.

@boymeetsworld

As long as you and your husband are on the same page and he sees the importance of sex the same way you do, you’ll be fine.

Personally I see sex as being that intimacy that just DH and I share and what separates us from being just best friends. To me, it is indeed one of the most important aspects of a relationship.

Obviously friendship, respect and patience with one another is important, but few people could survive on that for the rest of their lives...I mean you may as well live with your best buddy.

My husband listened to my concerns about lack of sex. We were on average doing it just once a week and then it often felt forced. He took my needs seriously though and started to do his utmost to be involved in sexual play. He also sought professional help relentlessly.

As I’ve said twice before, DH was diagnosed with a testosterone level of 7! He had the Testosterone production of a 90 year old man...in his 30’s. Not only was this bad for our sex life but bad for his health and bones.
After treatment he can’t keep his hands off me. We’ve been having sex daily! He is happier, I am happier.
Not only are we best friends, with a close bond and I have so much respect for him after trying so hard through what must have been a terribly embarrassing and frustrating time; but we also bond through sex and have a lot of mummy/daddy fun together. We are both more relaxed.

Even with children, I couldn’t have stayed in a sexless relationship. I wouldn’t advise others to leave, but my relationship would not have survived lack of intimacy. I did stick with my DH for quite a long time with his low sex drive, because I loved him and I could see how he was doing his best to get that help. That made the difference for me.

If it was the other way around, I would seek the help I needed to try to fix the situation and if one form of help didn’t work, I’d try another. If I didn’t want penetration, I’d make the same effort my husband did, to have that private time in other ways.

Not everyone is the same and your husband may be content with your relationship as it is.

Oh and it’s not an ‘attitude’.

When your partner doesn’t want sex with you, the pain is awful. The feeling of rejection stings. I’d cry myself to sleep wondering what was wrong with me. I felt lonely. When DH would pretend to be asleep or come to bed at a different time I felt lonely and the distance grew despite the daytime hugs and kisses.
Should one be expected to put those feelings aside and accept that’s their life from now on? That’s no attitude, that’s significant danger to the relationship.

It's a very different attitude when there's someone taking their partners feelings seriously and doing something to meet them halfway, to not taking it seriously and treating it like an "amusing personal trait" that doesn't need addressing.

Hmmm it's a tough one isn't it. From reading the comments its obvious everyone places a different value on their sex lives and its something to considder alongside other parts of the relationship. Untill recently I was happy to have less sex. The sex we have is amazing and I would rather have less sex and a close relationship otherwise than lots of sex and a poor relationship. Yes we have some other issues but no one has the perfect relationship right? We have a lot of great times together and we generally talk through problems.
I think its the idea that he might see trying to cenceive as a chore rather than something fun and sexy.......(its meant to be fun and sexy right?) that has sparked concerns. In terms of the low testosterone thing.....Ive never thought of that but I somehow feel me suggesting thats what it could be might not go down well!

In that situation, would everybody on here honestly advocate splitting up a family on the grounds that Mummy & Daddies sex life wasn't frequent enough???

You're clearly projecting yourself onto the OP here because multiple posters have plainly said that if both partners are fine with little sex, sure go ahead.

But the op isn't ok with it.

This is a guy who she feels sees her sex drive as a personal quirk. He's dismissive and says what he has to to shut her up.

It's not brain surgery. Don't stay in a relationship with someone who doesn't fit with you. Simples

Ive never thought of that but I somehow feel me suggesting thats what it could be might not go down well

Sigh.
Why are you with this guy. Seriously

somehow feel me suggesting that's what it could be might not go down well

That says it all really. He doesn't want to discuss this at all does he? How many years is he going to bury his head in the sand?

What's interesting to me is that

• you've said you've made sacrifices to be with him (moving where he wants to be, never any option of your home area or other compromise),

• he rules out going to your family dos months in advance for no apparent reason, while expecting you to attend his,

-he treats your sexual needs as a bit silly and nothing to concern himself about,

• he apparently suffers anxiety/mental health issues that he isn't getting help with
• and here you're reluctant to suggest he look into low testosterone levels.

So you're painting a picture of a very lop-sided relationship where you're making all the compromises and you cannot communicate honestly with him. You're saying it's a good relationship, but these are not minor issues.

Are you a rescuer?

It's not going to get any better.

You need to decide whether you'd be happy 20 years from now with him with at best this infrequent sex.

You should read posts by 40+ women who have the same issue and whether you could handle being in the same situation.

Sometimes on these threads (and there seem to be a lot of them) I feel for the person with the low sex drive/lack of interest/ED/whatever the issue is. I don’t see how pushing them to open up and ‘tackle’ the problem helps when they are probably more comfortable with the situation as it is.

If it was a case of things going off the boil a bit while the dc were young and you were both working full time, then I think that is normal and you can get your mojo back in time but mismatched sex drives must be hard especially when you are so young.

If there's a chance he has low testosterone, and if he's honest enough to be able to face problems, then he should thank you for suggesting he get a test. It will probably have occurred to him too and he must know you're unhappy.if it works then you could both be a lot happier. I suspect it's either that, or just he just doesn't see you in a sexual way, and either of these problems are likely to finish your relationship if not addressed.

If there's a chance he has low testosterone, and if he's honest enough to be able to face problems, then he should thank you for suggesting he get a test.

This. My DH actually figured it out on his own and scheduled the test with his GP. We had young kids at the time and he was tired of feel listless, mildly depressed and is very good about looking after his health both for himself and because his family needs him.

It’s more than mismatched libidos. As a pp said, you’re making lots of sacrifices for this person. Don’t make the mistake of losing yourself to fit in with someone else’s needs. You said you spend a lot of time together so maybe the relationship has become too much of a habit. It’s difficult to build attraction If you’re constantly together and he’s used to you always giving in to his needs. You need to have your needs met too (not just physically, but also emotionally.) Think about what he brings to your relationship. If you’re not a good fit now, your differences could become more pronounced the longer you’re together.

Eg we have moved to be by his family, he made it obvious that living in my home area wasnt an option. Even so we dont really see his family that often I just think he likes the security of being somewhere familiar

Sorry but I can't see a future between you. He seems to do just as he pleases regardless of your feelings. I'd make sure he is not still with you as your relationship is 'familiar'.