Partners ex keeps getting in contact since finding out I’m pregnant

[Mamatobe83]

Hi

I wanted a bit of advice on here please.

I am pregnant with my first child with my partner. His ex girlfriend of 6 years requested to follow me on Instagram before I was pregnant. We have mutual friends in common, she has a partner and a little boy so I thought nothing of it and followed her back. I spoke to my partner who has not spoken or seen her in 2 years and he also thought it would be harmless. Their split was amicable and was due to her wanting to start a family and him realising she wasn’t who he wanted to be with to do that.

She found out from a mutual friend of ours that I am pregnant, prior to me posting anything on social media to announce this, and emailed my partner telling him how happy she was about the news and reminisced about times when they were together. I felt quite angry about this email as she doesn’t know me, or my partner anymore, and whilst it may come from a place of kindness I felt it was inappropriate, especially when I hadn’t told close friends about it.

I received a message from her a few months later stating that she had bought the baby some gifts and could she come round and give them to me. I have never met her and I now live in the house she previously lived in with my partner. My partner is not comfortable with her coming round and I definitely couldn’t think of anything more awkward. I politely declined stating we were busy. We then received the very generous gifts from our mutual friend and I sent a polite thank you.

Since then she has sent me links via Instagram to things she thinks I might like and comments on my posts. We recently started to receive post for her even though she moved out 6 years ago and she has emailed my partner asking to come round and collect it. He replied stating that he will drop it off at a friend who lives nearby.

I don’t know if I’m being paranoid about the above but I’m unsure as to why she keeps trying to be involved in our lives and why she apparently wants to come to the house. Part of me thinks she’s had things delivered here on purpose so she can keep getting in touch with us. Especially as we have not previously had anything. Everytime she gets in touch it makes me feel stressed and we have to talk about a woman who isn’t even part of either of our lives. I just want to focus on the upcoming new arrival and us but don’t know how to go about stopping this intrusion into our lives without seeming mean. Any advice greatly appreciated.

P.S I find it hard not to think about things a lot despite trying to ignore them. So that is not really an option.

This is an odd one. If it’s really worrying you then it’s best to keep your distance. Whenever she asks to come round or do something just say no and repeat and repeat until she gets the message. Same with social media just do not respond. You are pregnant at the moment so you need to keep stress to a minimum.

I’m an over thinker too OP and I had a very stressful situation with someone while pregnant. Ended up getting so worked up about it I’d lose sleep and sit up half the night worrying about it. Don’t allow anyone to put you in that situation.

It sounds like this woman is harmless but it’s very strange that she’s so insistant on being part of your lives.

Also as far as post is concerned just post it on to her. May be more time consuming but she should get the message. Also let her know she needs to get her details updated with the companies that are posting her mail to you or you will send it back “not known at this address.” Obviously give her a month or so to do this but have a clear date that you will start doing this as it’s weird and odd that her things are getting sent to you.

Who knows what DH communicated before they split. Good chance that he said ‚I don‘t want kids‘ and left out the,with you‘ part. That might make her curious or whatever about the situation. Questions like ‚was it planned? Is he unhappy about the pregnancy or not? What if he had been fine having kids back then? Does he regret letting me go over this...‘ may all be in her mind, if such a ‚miscommunication out of kindness‘ took place, when they called it quits.
Not sure what you can do, except possibly let it drop that the baby was planned (if it was).

Unfollow her on Instagram, ignore her on your own account and block her before the birth.

I agree deepwatersolo. We don't know what was said when they split.
It might be he said he didn't want kids at all. It might have been they differed on time frame. It might have been he missed out the 'with you' part of 'I don't want kids'. It might have been that discussions a out kids have him an easy way to leave a relationship he had realised had ran it's course.
She is acting strange and it is intrusive. I dont blame her for wondering about things and reflecting, but it's not on for her to be so involved.

That’s really odd; block her on Instagram and any other way she is contacting you. I also wouldn’t pass any more post on and send it back with no longer at this address on it.

Oooooh I dont know, this sounds a bit creepy. The initial email and sending you a few links sounds harmless enough. But buying your baby presents (when she is basically a total stranger- and doing so months before baby's even been born), and wanting to come see you, so badly that she's redirecting her post to you now?! That is VERY strange behaviour, you don't know her at all I would cut all contact at this point. I would also keep a diary of all contact made by her. You don't have to be nice to someone in the face of this kind of borderline threatening/obsessive behaviour. You are not being paranoid.

Best unfollow and block her. She's obviously very curious about your pregnancy with her Ex, but it's sounding a bit obsessive now.

I would be uncomfortable with it too.

I think it’s natural to be courious about what your ex partner is doing. However, I think her behaviour crosses the line and isn’t acceptable. Do you think she still has feelings for your partner? Perhaps she’s having difficulties in her own relationship and is romanticising her relationship with her ex.

I think you and your partner will both have to be firm. No visits, post sent back and I’d also ignore her messages.

*curious!!

I think you should block her on all accounts, numbers etc and return post as no longer at this address.

It's normal for her to be curious, especially as you don't know what was said at the time of the split. It's not on for her to be acting like this, it's totally inappropriate and very creepy!

Do not post anything back because that is a response from you; what you need to maintain here is radio silence. A response is what she wants her and after you have previously responded she has again escalated with unwanted contact. What she is doing here really amounts to harassment and I would now consider contacting the Police about her behaviours.

Very creepy, especially the post

Regardless of what your DH said or how she feels, it’s completely weird and inappropriate. Obviously without knowing her I would have said there’s a small chance she’s one of those people who are just very friendly and forward, but the post thing suggests otherwise, it makes her sound slightly obsessed.

The last thing you need when pregnant and feeling vulnerable is an ex of your partners acting like this.

Even though you shouldn’t have to, I would be a tiny bit cautious about antagonising her with complete blocking on everything - can you perhaps unfollow her and make your accounts private? Hopefully she will get the message that way. But if you want to block her lots of other people here agree it’s the right thing to do so do it.

If she continues contact then perhaps your DH could send her a brief message saying something along the lines of *Mamatobe and I really appreciate the gifts but honestly, given that we are ex’s and weren’t in contact for years before Mama was pregnant, we both feel the contact is a bit OTT and would appreciate if it could stop. Thank you for wishing us the best, good luck in the future...”

Then she would look completely mental to not get the message and you’d both be justified to tell her she’s absolutely not welcome in your lives etc etc.

Thank you so much for your responses! It’s so good to get another perspective on this and to also realise that I am not being unreasonable for thinking her behaviour is overstepping the mark.

Our pregnancy was planned, I understand she may be curious and I have no idea if she still has feelings for my partner. When she was 12 weeks pregnant (before I met my OH) she sent him an email saying she was pregnant, it was unplanned and she was sorry her life had to take a path that didn’t include him. Despite them not being together for a few years at that point. Which I guess meant she had always envisaged them having a family together. I don’t know if she knows how open and honest my OH is about his past or that I would know about the email. He said he had found it odd at the time.

I will take your advice and ignore all further communication, it does play on my mind a lot and keep me awake wondering what her motives are so it’s not healthy for me to respond. I would like to give her the benefit of the doubt and say it’s misplaced kindness but my gut instinct really is telling me otherwise.

I think if it does continue then I will definitely do what you suggest SilverDoe and get my OH to send her a message using what you said. Like you said surely she can’t respond to that!

Yeah, I think your DH sending a message along those lines is a good option. Count yourself lucky that you and DH are on the same page regarding her behaviour, and he found it odd in the past. Makes things way easier.

Send any post back ‘not known at this address’

Untried her on sm and make sure she’s not following you on instagram

If she contacts either you or dp, firstly I’d ignore, if she persists then a strongly worded email, and then block

I would actually go as far to state that his ex partner is stalking you. Do not respond at all to her; it will keep the door of communication open and she is not respecting either of your no's here. This contact from her is unwanted and unwarranted; its certainly not flattering and is obsessive.

This does sound like she is stalking you I’m sad to say. Try and get your DH to nip it in the bud now, and have no further communication with her yourself.

Block her on everything and don't accept anymore of her mail by crossing out the address & popping it back in the post. Refuse parcels.
She has no reason to contact either of you this is madness.

Thank you! I find it hard to say no and feel guilty about it but after reading all your advice I will make sure there is no further communication and not feel guilty about it! My partner and baby first! x

What's her motive?

It's not to be friends with you. Why would anyone want to be friends with a total stranger; especially one who has "taken her place".

If they had children together; I could understand her wanting to be your friend, but they haven't.

That leaves DP. She clearly wants to be in contact with him, and is doing it through you, so as not to look the jealous one.

She may well be a friendly person, but she is not your friend.

I think, if you don't get her out of your life, she will cause havok.

Good luck Mama, please update us (hopefully to say she’s buggered off!)

Why did the mutual friend tell her about you being pregnant ? How much of a friend are they really?

Why did the mutual friend tell her about you being pregnant ? How much of a friend are they really?

Firstly you need to cut off her oxygen that is your mutual friend, who needs to be told that whatever information they are sharing seems to be fuelling some kind of obsessive behaviour and you’d prefer they refrain from doing it.

Secondly, your bf is going to to have to be clear and unequivocal about neither of you desiring a friendship with her.

This woman has issues and your pregnancy has triggered some deeply ingrained feelings.

Not being her friend ‘is the kindest’ thing you can do for her, stop feeding guilty.